HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, February 02, 2011

Anna Grace


MY FRIEND ANNA in Wisconsin is depressed. She is back on the gear after quite a long break during which she transferred from methadone to Suboxone (buprenorphine/naloxone). She felt nowhere near as good on Suboxone as on methadone. Now as I say she's back on gear. What took her back was a daytrip to a large town where she picked up a $20 bag. Now she's spending $50 a day. Anna is on mood-swing meds but they don't seem (in my view) to be helping the way they should.

All this is detailed on her blog. The other day she posted up a song for me "I wanna sink to the bottom with you". We were supposed to do a China White binge in New York City. What's stopping me, apart from lack of money is 1 that I really want to go to NYC and don't want to mess up my chances of a proper visa and 2 I'm off heroin anyway. Even China White (though I hate to admit that little nugget.

China white is proper heroin. Afghan brown and tar are glorified scum drugs. China white is refined scum. I'd rather be refined when I'm being scummy ~ hence the white H4 fascination. Number four China White heroin is up to 97% purity at manufacture whereas brown H3 is rarely over 74% and China White doesn't need nasty fruit acids in the mix. It's already gone in an acid bath and has a fairly neutral PH. A hit of acidified brown has a PH of 2.55* or lower. Ie it's ridiculously acid. No wonder it erodes veins.

I was looking at my foot the other day when I suddenly had a feeling of peace and serenity as I told myself something I wish I could have thought ~ and meant ~ a long time ago: "You don't have to stick this with a needle ~ ever again". I don't want heroin in my life. Heroin did the best job of anything ~ bar depression ~ of destroying me. So I don't want heroin. I wish Anna didn't want it either.

ANNA GRACE this track is for you. I wasn't going to post up any old rubbish to return your musical favour. So here's a tune after my taste for you. I don't know any guitar music, I'm afraid...

REFLECT Feat. Delline Bass - Need To Feel Loved (Adam K & Soha Mix)(Arcdsa Videoremix)



FOUNTAINS OF WAYNE: SINK TO THE BOTTOM live 2003




Illustrated: Top: By appearance, Afghan brown H3 vs Burmese China White H4. Though being as this picture is American these may actually be Mexican Brown and Colombian White. Bottom: the type of heroin Anna is on is Colombian White, which is often grey, like this stuff ...


*ATTENTION any European heroin users. As a scientific experiment at the University of Bath, 130mg of 75% pure brown #3 heroin base was cooked up with 20mg citric acid; the resulting concoction had a pH of 2.55; when the entire sachet was added, the pH went down to 1.9 ~ from pretty acid to REALLY acid. Adding extra citric just damages veins. The 9 minutes long "How Much Citric?" Video is here.

ACEN: CLOSE YOUR EYES (Remix I) (Optikonfusion!)
this 1992 track has every ingredient of an anthem of the time; the eerie backdrop, talk of insanity and a euphoria you actually felt from the E more than the tune!



8 comments:

Bimbimbie said...

... yep those doggies are having a hard time of it all - can only hope we all come back to experience it ;)

good to read you don't want any more heroin keep thinking that way Gleds.

Gledwood said...

They look really cute. If I didn't have an Akita or a tiny scruffy terrier I'd want one of those.

No I get more of a kick just looking at it than actually touching that CRAP!!

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Gleds,
This is a sweet post to Anna. The songs are wonderful.
I hope Anna is reading this.
I think you have a way of reaching her that no one else has.
all the best,
p.s. Some of the comments at Anna's are really nasty. I think they're just looking to antagonize or get a reaction.
Anna's right to ignore them.
j.

Gledwood said...

I don't think I would tolerate people doing that I'd end up setting comments to members only, which would stop some of the sensible people which would be a real shame

Anna Grace said...

Thanks for the post. It was my birthday yesterday, so it was perfect. Your the best internet friend ever. I loved the song!!!!
Love u 2.

lizzydripping said...

i think the bloke in the pete tong its all gone wrong video is hot as fuck...................
i have the flu and feel as shit as
xx

Gledwood said...

Thanks Anna! Hope you had a good one

Lizzy: I couldn't remember the name of that film for my life "It's all gone Pete Tong"..!

Yeah not exactly ugly is he ha ha! In the film it's his hearing he's meant to have trouble with. But it looks more like mental probs (in addition) to me. I loved that film.

Get well soon. Not too soon not to watch lots of good daytime telly though!

Maureen said...

Anna, I hope you had a nice birthday, yesterday. Was thinking about you and another whose birthday was the 1st.
Love,
Maureen

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood