HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Clean

I'VE BEEN ROOTING AROUND FOR THE OLD HOSPITAL SCRIPT for 7 zopiclone 7.5s which I may or may not have told you was duff, as in it's only valid at a hospital pharmacy and i was way too out of it even if they told me to take in that little baby, make it to the pharmacy and get the pills, like i said i was seeing visions that day and the walls were talking and i was fast fast fast it was all i could do to get me, keys and a bus pass in the same place; in fact i had to buy a new oyster card as i couldn't find the old one.

That was the week I got left with no money because I just couldn't find the cashcard. And this is the type of shit I'm meant to remember for that Form of Shame the Government Don't want me to fill in because they take the piss. Instead of awarding it automatically to everyone it applies to they prey on the vulnerable and fucked up knowing they won't get this very complicated form signed by however many people need to sign it (not just me) and properly filled in etc etc. Yet when I owe them a million pounds in tax what will they do to me if I don't cough up? Well that's what should happen to them, that Cameron should be in Broadmoor anyway.

Cameron is the prime minister. Broadmoor is a prison for the criminally insane. All politicians should be ECTd compulsorily and given a thousand milligrams methadone a day IV for a year. Then it should be withdrawn without notice. Then the drug policy in this country will mysteriously alter. Prescription heroin will appear from nowhere. Addicts will get proper treatment. And all because those bastards want to end their OWN suffering. They don't give two hoots about you or me. To be frank, I'd rather have the Queen running the country than those tossers. It is after all Her Majesty's Government. So why doesn't she govern? The PM kowtows to her. When I'm PM I'm chucking her out of Buckingham Palace, crowning myself emperor and having seven stories and four new wings added I'll also get Windsor Castle doubled in size and charge the Queen inheritance tax going back to 1900 on Sandringham and Balmoral. If aristocrats should lose their estates to death duties, so should the Queen.

Anyway I'm looking for this script for sleeping pills. Because they made a mess of it I just scored zopiclone on the street. 6 for £10, a ripoff price but I was in no fit state to get to that nuthouse and back, it's miles away.

I'm phoning them up if I ever find it and checking it's valid and cashing it today. I could do with a long walk. I can't score zoppies because I literally do not have a penny. I tell a lie I have 2p on me; I spent my very last on a pint of milk. I'm broke because I thought I had loads of money in the bank when I had 60p.

I feel nauseated and ill from lack of sleep but my GP told me lack of sleep isn't anything to worry about and that you get as much as you need, so I'm fine not going to bed for a few days if I don't want to. See I got all this advice from qualified drs who do 7 years' training so I don't need sleep. The prissy bitch who was my worst ever GP advised me that.

I'm phoning Valium Marilyn in a sec. She's in tears because she lost her own PO card. I said "darling I will get you the money you can have mine" she's still crying. Her daughter had about five abortions in a year (well that's the way she told it) and she was crying over them like nobody's business.

10:00 OK I'm going to Valium Marilyn's now she's giving me 90p oh man I really feel like i'm going to puke my guts up what's wrong with me? I've only drank tea with milk and hot chocolate no alcohol and cauliflower cheese with the fries i had left and a can of beans so iv'e not had anything weird loosing sleep doesn't cause nausea does it? i feel absolutely done in but my dr said it's absolutely fine to get sleep deprivation and she must be righ the bitch is a dr that 's m y old dr and that's sarcasm btw ok i gotta run her son's coming back soon he's been out eeeeing or whatever kids do these days. meowing probably



Illustrated: the post office account card that mine has no money on and Marilyn's is lost so I'm phoning up in a sec to get her a new one she's having a real good cry about her anaemia and her grandson she was in hospital not long ago for physical exhaustion she really hasn't been well

6 comments:

Akelamalu said...

You are are true friend trying to help Marilyn when you are in such a mess yourself Gleds. x

Gledwood said...

No she's OK. She needs antidepressants I wrote down the name mirtazapine 30mgs. She's stressing about whether she will find the card and whether the person she doesn't know has stolen it will remove her money at 00:30 when it clears so I said cancel in office hours today and say you need the money urgently and they'll give you a ref number over the phone and with IDs you can get the card tomorrow anyway i don't mind lending her money she gave me a whole load of food

Syd said...

I hope that you won't score anymore street drugs. It seems like a really bad idea to me.

Gledwood said...

Oh fuck it I don't care. Naomi seemed to think it would sound really bad when I tell dr shrinko about it but fuckit this is my major problem with the drugs service MAJOR TRUTH BYPASS why WHY SHOULD I FUCKING LIE TO THEM CAN'T THEY ACCEPT THE TRUTH?

if they gave me sleeping pills every single day i'd not ever go and score i only ever use them to sleep, i was addicted to heroin not benzos and not zopiclone! know what i mean!!

Anonymous said...

I heard some scary shit about someone being given Warfarin(blood thinner and rat poison....go figure?) instead of valium cos they little blue tabs.But i think you might know the difference.Why won't they give you sleepers?Thats weird.

Gledwood said...

fucking hell! wharfarin, that's taking the piss

they do give sleepers but the script ran out more than a week ago, i get zopiclone 7.5s which i think are way better than temazepam 20mg, probably as good as at least 30mg temazepam and there's no temptation with me to abuse them taking them earlier than i need to, anything like that

they gave me antipsychotic which was good for one week and did make me sleep but that side effect went quickly away and i ended up not sleeping properly on them at all, then i got side effects and just dumped them the side effects were horrible, like a kind of mental headfucker drowsiness that's not sleepiness just a concussion feeling with lights glaring into my head and i just want to shut my eyes lie down but i can't sleep so i scored a few valium blues to take the edge off i mean if you need valium for antipsychotic that's fucked up i want a different one, i heard quetiapine is really good for sleep and you can take it once at night so that would suit me fine

at the moment i'm on a bit of a high. it makes it really really difficult to be responsible though i know i should take the risperidone i don't even want to come down now i enjoy it too much and the stronger it gets (unless it really starts going OTT which it did last time) the nicer it gets, like free charlie or E or something you'd go clubbing on which is pretty cool but i know it's just my brain going cuckoo on me, problem is when it's going full on i just get swept away by it all, then i'm exhausted and really feel ill like i want to puke, like i've totally overdone it and i just cannot sleep for more than 2 hours, the other day i slept for maybe 10 or even more but i felt REALLY hyped up as the energy banks were FULL FULL FULL after that ... this is why i don't like being sensible because it does my head in, so i try and be sensible when i blog, but spend most of the day just pottering about feeling brilliant and doing nothing except very slowly getting my chaotic house cleaned up!

sorry to go on i hope i answered you properly the old attention span is all over the place these days. i found gear really helped me focus, also so did crack. crack never put me all over the place, it kind of made me feel calm in a way but i hated the jagged paranoid edge and the way you can come down so bad sometimes even off one pipe sometimes in the end i just dumped crack it's a ridiculous expensive drug that gives less than you pay for, as for heroin that is just paying for happiness i know i reapeat it but i repeat it for myself because it's my new mantra "pay nobody to be happy, be happy in your own self" that's my philosophy on life these days

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood