I WOULD HAVE SAID I CRASHED because since about 3pm I've felt increasingly lousy and it hasn't been fun.
I went into HMV, but nothing inspired me. Eventually I got Michael Jackson but 2 of the 3 discs play in black and white. If they're BOTH like that I assume they've botched an entire batch. So little point changing them. But I will. Nothing is wrong with my DVD machine. Everything else plays properly.
I got a Chinese takeaway but it's gross and I'm leaving it. I'm so greedy I will prbably want it later but it's grotesque. Undercooked onions. Yeurkh. I'm giving up on Chinese food.
Instead of buying heroin, which I only wanted to make me feel OK, I got 7 valium blues. I now have 4 left. I reckon i got ripped off because usually I can feel 1x10mg. Today i can barely feeel anything. I only took them to take something. I had 4 drinks but still feel no better. They're the new mandy cherry 4.7% vol cyder. Valium isn't an antidepressant it quells anxiety and I got HAD-tested years ago when I was far more prone to anxiety than today and came out "high depression; low anxiety". Anyway anxiety is the living pits. Far worse than anything i get. If psychiatry judged experiences on how bad they felt rather than how much of a mess they leave you, a panic attack would be judged more serious than any schizophrenia.
So that's me. All the films seemed to be about madness or they were TV shows at £40 a season and nothing at all grabs me. Michael Jackson was only for background music you can glance at. Also I wanted the full films of Thriller, Bad and Ghosts.
I could still get to an NA meeting tonight but frankly haven't the energy to walk to the bus. Plus you have to sit in a room full of junkies being contemplative, which I'm not. And I don't think about my former drug of choice ALL DAY the way I'm apparently meant to. And the well meaning but ridiculous advice I get to go rehab: you wanna see me go totally batshit crazy? Put me on a 10-day methadone taper. That will set me off like nothing else. So no, no NA today. Plus I'm fed up of hinting at my situation and getting a load of total barking-up--the-wrong tree platitudes. Most of them seem to believe I'm still using. Well they can get fucked. I don't need that. I need it less than ever today.
AWAY IN AMSTERDAM - Tomorrow I am going to Amsterdam to be the body guard of nearly 7 year old grandson Toby. It is about time that I leave home for a few days because I think...
1 day ago