HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Lots of talking


I WAS SURE I posted something else but whatever I said got lost. My memory is poor these days. Chemist says I missed a methadone pick-up Monday but I'm not sure I did. I'm pretty hot at methadone and making sure I have enough. I need to be as I'm fully considering dropping the State Controlled Prescription and merely buying methadone on the strreet. Which is my option for when they start messing my head even more than presently.

Earlier today I was in the bad mood I've been in for three days. I crashed down. So this afternoon I took heroin therapy and feel far better for it. Frankly I don't care about myself or my life or whether anything is good or bad. Gear is the same as suicide so I'm self-medicating with slow suicide and it works. Doesn't stop me feeling manic and/or over the top, doesn't stop me being depressed and/or mood swinging. Stops the worst of it though. Which implies if I'm in withdrawal as y'all want to tell me I'm still withdrawing when "high" enough on gear to be in near-unconsciousness. So shove that in your expert pipes and toke it.

Baino can you please explain something what do you mean the dr says I'm psychotic? But I'm not? How so? I don't get this you're really confusing me. You think I'm exaggerating? Then you're wasting your time here if I write a ficiton blog it would be WAY less sad thatn this one come on. So what do you think is real? I don't get it. As I said I'm not a psychotic what really happens is psychic, that's how I hear other people's thoughts. Telepathy. If you can't hear the reason is simple YOU'RE DEAF.

The shrinko is the only one I trust and even him I think he is trying to kill me when I go to an NA meeting. So I trust no-one. I wouldn't post anything if you knew who I was so THAT, ANNA GRACE IS WHY I'M "HIDING BEHIND MY BLOG" as you put it
when you try and push me gently into behaviour I'm not comfortable with. You might want people to look at you; I don't need my neighbours reading my blog. That might be a buzz for you; to me it's a buzz-killer. I want to be read, not stared at. Leave a comment Anna I leave them for you and you won't even leave a single one when I specifically ask you.

Baino, Anna, Gattina, please answer in comments I cannot do email it's a total headfucker. Unless it really is confidential please everyone use COMMENTS. Comments I can do; email I just do not do. I just do not do it; ask my family. I get your point Gattina: your blog is a shiny happy blog where you don't want my heroin-talk so I'll email that from hammynutter@lycos.com. Please anyone who emails, no matter what the subject LEAVE A COMMENT SAYING YOU EMAILED or I won't be able to find it. There are no rules chez moi that anyone needs to comment on the post they answer under. If you want to tell me anything, relevant or not to anything else, just slap it under today's load of Gledwood-drivel and I'll get it. Don't email me unless you really do need to use email. OK?

I am going to ask this Consultant Psychiatrist yes/no am I in detox on methadone? Yes or no; tell me. Methadone is a substitution therapy and should leave you in no withdrawals. I certainly don't withdraw physically so how can I "withdrawl mentally" without craving? I only want heroin in depression. Depression I had for DECADES before I ever tried heroin. Question number 2 will rear its head: that being so, why on earth are you giving it to me KNOWING it turns me into a psychdedelic shaman who's not taking psychedelics? And can you please make the psychedelia stronger? Thankyouverymuch!

I can't go on I'm too sleepy to focus. Things I cannot say are seeping out of my mind so I'm leaving it here. Nutter Club report comes later.



MADONNA: HUNG UP
time goes by so slowly for those who wait; no need to hesitate...


18 comments:

Anna Grace said...

Oh my dearest Gleds,

I feel like shit for not commenting, I love your comments. Your using Heroin Therapy, well I sorta wish that were available legally. Heroin certinaly works well for depression.
It makes me sad to hear your in depression. Your normally a much more manic bi polar than I am. I suffer more depression than I THINK you do. I don't know though. We could have the same amount of mood swings, who knows really. We would have to live together or be in the nut house together to really know.
As far as hiding behind your blog. You say you don't want to be stared at. I don't want to stare at you. I don't even ask that you post a photo on your blog. Just email me one. I don't care what you look like, I just want to see the person I read about, listen to, talk with (in a way), a person I consider a dear freind.

It sounds really lame, but your a huge part of my life. I read your blog every day, or at least every other day. I read your comments, and emails. I even have you saved in my phone.
I don't have a lot of friends in real life, or off line, and when I do have a friend... a online friend is really important to me. I consider you a important friend. I love you.
I don't want you to commit slow suicide. Even though I want to commit slow suicide. I once tried to give myself HIV, but I didn't know that HIV dies when it contacts air. So I didn't get it. I'll save that story for a blog. Unless you want me to email the story to you.

I better stop writting now. Email me a picture. I won't stare at you.

lizzydripping said...

hey gleds, sounds like you having a rough old time. what would cheer you up?
love liz
x x

Gledwood said...

Lizzy: Mama Mia makes me happy so that's playing round and round on my DVD. I far prefer music to nonmusic on my DVDs. The other stuff I watch is modern comedy Ben Stiller Jennifer Anniston type stuff. They are both hilarious. I had to go through an interview for AGES this morning to establish that I needed the type of help they specialize in. He had to see my house which was really shaming as I coudln't spend all night clearing up I just gotta put everything I want in boxes etc and CHUCK OUT ALL THAT'S LEFT OVER he agreed this was a really good prioritizing method so all's good...

Anna Grace said...

I've blogged. You know what would make me happy? If you sent me your address so I could send you a gift. Email me it when you've got time.

Gledwood said...

Anna: thanks so much for replying why couldn't you reply before you're my best friend. I just couldn't do that putting photos online I was too parnoid and I can't handle being stared at by people I don't know it doesn't help me and I couldn't handle my neighbours knowingly reading my blog. You said you know the locals read yours and you don't care. I couldn't do that.

Heroin therapy sucks you're right. I don't want you on it and you're right not to want me on it I only took it because I felt so shit. If I take a whacking great dose it knocks the shit out of me. Not v advisable. I would be terrified if I knew you were doing that but frankly I didn't care whether I lived or died.

There are way better ways of suicide than getting HIV. I bet now you get state support you would be less into it. I can't believe people actually criticize you for having bipolar and claiming money YOU ARE ENTITLED TO from the same government that WOULD TAX THE SHIT OUT OF YOU IF YOU OWED THEM so don't be guilty they OWE YOU SO TAKE IT and as for anonymouses passing judgement on what you spend on what that is none of their business.

I haven't got any photos of myself ot email I have a camera phone with no charger so it's fucked. Once I get it working it's a different story.... that's why I didn't want to send money because my name and address would have to go on the form it makes me far too paranoid I don't want anyone to know my name my lovers never knew my name or address usually and I had lots of one night/afternoon stands in the 90s. I told them my name was Teddy the skeletal Teddy bear I never told my real name so you see it is an issue with me. I hated being close to anyone. I didn't mind being a whore, I just regret not getting paid I should have charged cash.

As for depression I can't tell how much I get it as it feels normal to me so I don't know. Now I have people telling me I'm not real or my voices aren't real and that confuses me I don't believe anything is real so when people say stuff like that they really confuse me and I don't know what they mean. Just confusion. All I have done is use my will power to push through a lot of confusing stuff now people tell me it's not real so I don't know what they mean? That I should set myself on fire then because I can do as I please? That's what they seem to be telling me. Anyone who seriously fucks with me I will come and fuck them up good and proper.

I should get my own flat according to this social work guy. I'm getting loads of superglue so when people break in I can glue them naked to the floor and keep them there for ages while I very slowly get about to phoning the police and having them punished, know what I mean?

I hope this answers it all. I just was a bit pissed off that you never replied to me but I'm not pissed off any more so no harm done

Gledwood
xxxxxxx

bugerlugs63 said...

hi
thanks 4 replying to my comments under "morning horror" post.
i sat up till 2 am last night and left comment under "the really good sleep" as it was the last post at the time. i dont want an answer as there r no questions but hope u dint miss it as it was after yur answers to baino & robyn.
i dont think 4 one minute that i wrote anything thats about 2 change your life, but theres a bit about de-toxing and some other stuff about trust.
yur withdrawals r being dealt with by meth so u can deal with de-toxing. as most people cannot hack both together. physical withdrawals shuld be zero with meth. but u r de-toxing from heroin. i.e. learning to live without it, changing habits, routine etc.and you body/mind eventually will not be dependant on it 2 function. then u de-tox from meth very gradually as 2 not feel withdrawals. then see whats left after all that. i would give myself a year if i were u before seeking any diagnosis. self or otherwise. as there will be heaps of changes in that year.
i dont think anyone is suggesting u set fire 2 yourself, and i dont think baino was saying that u exagerating or lying. but just that too much time was being spent self analyzing/diagnosing long before u r recovered. 2 months is no time at all. in your reply u said " so i should go back to it shouldn't i?" i think u know the answer to that. but im happy to give my opinion if u were asking me. i gotta go and buy some baccy
and will come back .
i do feel for u i really do.
di-do
x

Gledwood said...

BUGGALUGZ: OK I see what you're talking about now. Of 2 psychiatrists, 1 dual diagnosis professional and a methadone key worker NOBODY has said I'm in detox or withdrawal but what you're talking about is underlining in double-red what a shitty substance methadone is. Considering it's STRONGER than heroin, and MORE ADDICTIVE AND MORE DANGEROUS and more deaths are ascribed to methadone annually than to heroin and it DOESN'T EVEN WORK PROPERLY. If it did nobody would feel suicidal on methadone yet merely depressed on heroin. Methadone is a shit arse waste of time I'm considering dumping it all together and scoring heroin off the street it's safer and will do me more good. I know that's not what you're advising but I'm fed up of all this bullshit unless they give me injectable diamorphine within a couple of weeks I'm having a serious think about coming straight off. I'm not scared of dying. If you could die from withdrawal more people like me would try it with far more enthusiasm. Whatever I do I'm going to ensure it's 100% successful and uncompromising I can't believe I was so weak before I need to do something STRONG. i need a STRONG SOLUTION to cure this ridiculous problem and i don't care if it kills me that is the best of both worlds i only wish i could sleep into all eternity but that one will never happen

Anna Grace said...

What set you off on this suicidal path? Your scaring me with all this wanting to die talk.

Methadone is shit, but if you were on a high enough dose you wouldn't feel the Heroin when you relapsed. What mg dose are you at? In american measurements.

Gledwood said...

I'll email you I don't trust the clinic not to read my blog and cross check the dose against their patients.

Gledwood said...

Anna baby I'm sorry I don't mean to scare you i'm only putting down how i feel. i feel like dying sometimes, much more than i feel like suicide. if i ever really was going to do it i would only pre post so it came out when i was dead already but i can't see that happening i'm too much of a pussy to actually take my own life if i wasn't i'd have killed myself years ago

so don't worry about me please i am not worth the energy

Anna said...

Yes you are worth the energy. Please don't say your not. I was going to send you a disposable camera for you to take pictures with, then you send me the camera and I develop the film, and wa la I see Gledwood. You know you could buy the camera and take the photos and send me the camera with no return address.

You have to trust someone sometime. I mean you no harm. I'm curious, and you hiding from me makes the curiousiaty more intense. Spelling errors.

Mucho love

bugerlugs63 said...

bledy hell i was in such a rush 2 make it 2 shop i signed off with my name.(just so u know it was my name and not a subliminal suggestion).
i'm not sure y u only trust your psychiatrist. i wuld b very surprised if he has thought about u between appts. this is not someone who cares about u as an individual.i have not as yet been 2 NA but having been brought up some years in "Christian (ish) communes" i can relate 2 how u feel about group hugs and serene smiles ;-). but each person relates individually to God.U dont have to be like any one else.i was always very cynical about such things (especially having witnessed such hypocrisy in some of those people) but its not about them, its about u.U say u wont/cant trust any person, cud u trust God?
did u have these trust issues pre-gear or did u trust people before, only to be let down?
im not asking for answers as these r personal questions, most folk do use gear as a pain killer. even though some drug workers disagree with this and say we use because we enjoy it- yes we enjoy the comfort and pain releif.
i dont know where i going with this. i would sit and write all night if i thought at the end of it, one word or phrase wud find a chink in the armour and change something. NO i dont think u should go back to it. or back to before it. go forward but not alone. U will spend way 2 much time in your head if u do it alone. save all that analysis until u r clean of gear and meth. if u cud try and keep it simple until then that might help. but i still think u will need to let someone "in". i gotta go as the teenager wants the laptop. i know i go on and on, but it dont matter cus u dont listen ;-)
x

Gledwood said...

Hi Buggalugz!

I never expected my shrink to think about me between appointments, that's one reason I trust him better because he does his job and leaves it there.

With counsellors I have managed (somehow) to get under 2 of their skin and i don't need that. I don't need my counsellor crying on the last appointment. I don't need to be going for the counsellor's sake. It's too much of a headfucker for me y'know.

Gear as a painkiller or because we enjoy it. The high of gear even when I've ODd has never ever gone over 4/10 EVER it's a weak drug. I used to complain endlessly about it, everybody assumed my dealers were ripping the piss out of me; then I went to their dealers and got miniscule bags of shitty B. The crap lots of people buy and call a decent deal is unreal. Least my eyes don't lie that a 0.15 is a 0.2 just becauase I paid £15 for 2. Today I paid £15 for 0.4g but it had that crystallizing crap in it so I had to let it cool and suck it in with the congealing crystals in the filter. Ridiculous. Be careful! I know you smoke but smoking can be just as dangerous; I read something really offputting about smoking that scared me, to do with what som really heavy stuff that can happen to your body. But it's rare (thankfully).

Yes I trust in God but not people. People I just cannot trust and haven't been able to going back years. Trivial example: I remember every lunctime my landlord and his partner used to eat lunch in our kitcen with the door shut and I used to get para they were talking about me. One day I realized for ****'s sake how do I KNOW they're talking about me??! I'm just being para. But it was of only natural. My nature. This came up in the psych assessment I had in hte mental hospital!

Of course I listen but you're confusing listening as in hearing and listening as in being able to act the way you might. If I am ill then maybe that is my illness: a lack of trust. But what can I do about that.

I knew what was going on some time ago. That I was fucked up and whoever I let in or trusted, whether they be a doctor, professional or freind, was only going to put me in checkmate and drive me into hospital or worse a prison and make me lose my mind. That is what is happening. The conspiracy is against my sanity and I'm desperately trying to hold it together I don't think people realize how truly desperate I feel.

On the one hand I'm very worried for myself but that is a tiny part of me. Most of me just does not care and willingly goes with the flow, but this is me knowing deep down that all is not like... shit I am falling asleep at the keyboard pressing bucketloads of ;;;;;;;s

I'm going to have to go. Please keep talking to me and I promise I will try to listen. I feel really upset in my head, like I'm losing something I'm trying to keep hold of and I need to keep it with me.... Does that make any sense..??

elizabeth said...

Sorry I am using your blog to get to someone else Gled, but Anna's blog is gone! I don't know if she made a new one or what happened! I would appreciate it if you would post here if she is OK. Thanks.

Gledwood said...

I linked up to her less than an hour ago, the post which is an apology was timed to go through at a minute past midnight London time, about half an hour after I finished it and she was still online then because I checked both links to her were OK.

I don't know that you can get back a blog after wiping it I have no idea why she did that.

I'm hoping she'll reply to my email soon and whatever she says I'll update here.

Anna Grace said...

I don't know why my blog has been deleted, I'm working on it. If I can't find it by tonight I'll put a new one tomorrow.

Anna Grace said...

Check my blog now. It should be back up.

Gledwood said...

Elizabeth: as you probably know Anna's blog is now BACK. What on earth happened to it I've no idea! But it's there again

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood