I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.
I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.
My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.
This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.
If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.
PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe) mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...
PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!
Attack of the Furry Entertainers!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Lots of talking
I WAS SURE I posted something else but whatever I said got lost. My memory is poor these days. Chemist says I missed a methadone pick-up Monday but I'm not sure I did. I'm pretty hot at methadone and making sure I have enough. I need to be as I'm fully considering dropping the State Controlled Prescription and merely buying methadone on the strreet. Which is my option for when they start messing my head even more than presently.
Earlier today I was in the bad mood I've been in for three days. I crashed down. So this afternoon I took heroin therapy and feel far better for it. Frankly I don't care about myself or my life or whether anything is good or bad. Gear is the same as suicide so I'm self-medicating with slow suicide and it works. Doesn't stop me feeling manic and/or over the top, doesn't stop me being depressed and/or mood swinging. Stops the worst of it though. Which implies if I'm in withdrawal as y'all want to tell me I'm still withdrawing when "high" enough on gear to be in near-unconsciousness. So shove that in your expert pipes and toke it.
Baino can you please explain something what do you mean the dr says I'm psychotic? But I'm not? How so? I don't get this you're really confusing me. You think I'm exaggerating? Then you're wasting your time here if I write a ficiton blog it would be WAY less sad thatn this one come on. So what do you think is real? I don't get it. As I said I'm not a psychotic what really happens is psychic, that's how I hear other people's thoughts. Telepathy. If you can't hear the reason is simple YOU'RE DEAF.
The shrinko is the only one I trust and even him I think he is trying to kill me when I go to an NA meeting. So I trust no-one. I wouldn't post anything if you knew who I was so THAT, ANNA GRACE IS WHY I'M "HIDING BEHIND MY BLOG" as you put it when you try and push me gently into behaviour I'm not comfortable with. You might want people to look at you; I don't need my neighbours reading my blog. That might be a buzz for you; to me it's a buzz-killer. I want to be read, not stared at. Leave a comment Anna I leave them for you and you won't even leave a single one when I specifically ask you.
Baino, Anna, Gattina, please answer in comments I cannot do email it's a total headfucker. Unless it really is confidential please everyone use COMMENTS. Comments I can do; email I just do not do. I just do not do it; ask my family. I get your point Gattina: your blog is a shiny happy blog where you don't want my heroin-talk so I'll email that from hammynutter@lycos.com. Please anyone who emails, no matter what the subject LEAVE A COMMENT SAYING YOU EMAILED or I won't be able to find it. There are no rules chez moi that anyone needs to comment on the post they answer under. If you want to tell me anything, relevant or not to anything else, just slap it under today's load of Gledwood-drivel and I'll get it. Don't email me unless you really do need to use email. OK?
I am going to ask this Consultant Psychiatrist yes/no am I in detox on methadone? Yes or no; tell me. Methadone is a substitution therapy and should leave you in no withdrawals. I certainly don't withdraw physically so how can I "withdrawl mentally" without craving? I only want heroin in depression. Depression I had for DECADES before I ever tried heroin. Question number 2 will rear its head: that being so, why on earth are you giving it to me KNOWING it turns me into a psychdedelic shaman who's not taking psychedelics? And can you please make the psychedelia stronger? Thankyouverymuch!
I can't go on I'm too sleepy to focus. Things I cannot say are seeping out of my mind so I'm leaving it here. Nutter Club report comes later.
MADONNA: HUNG UP time goes by so slowly for those who wait; no need to hesitate...
17 comments:
Anonymous
said...
Oh my dearest Gleds,
I feel like shit for not commenting, I love your comments. Your using Heroin Therapy, well I sorta wish that were available legally. Heroin certinaly works well for depression. It makes me sad to hear your in depression. Your normally a much more manic bi polar than I am. I suffer more depression than I THINK you do. I don't know though. We could have the same amount of mood swings, who knows really. We would have to live together or be in the nut house together to really know. As far as hiding behind your blog. You say you don't want to be stared at. I don't want to stare at you. I don't even ask that you post a photo on your blog. Just email me one. I don't care what you look like, I just want to see the person I read about, listen to, talk with (in a way), a person I consider a dear freind.
It sounds really lame, but your a huge part of my life. I read your blog every day, or at least every other day. I read your comments, and emails. I even have you saved in my phone. I don't have a lot of friends in real life, or off line, and when I do have a friend... a online friend is really important to me. I consider you a important friend. I love you. I don't want you to commit slow suicide. Even though I want to commit slow suicide. I once tried to give myself HIV, but I didn't know that HIV dies when it contacts air. So I didn't get it. I'll save that story for a blog. Unless you want me to email the story to you.
I better stop writting now. Email me a picture. I won't stare at you.
Lizzy: Mama Mia makes me happy so that's playing round and round on my DVD. I far prefer music to nonmusic on my DVDs. The other stuff I watch is modern comedy Ben Stiller Jennifer Anniston type stuff. They are both hilarious. I had to go through an interview for AGES this morning to establish that I needed the type of help they specialize in. He had to see my house which was really shaming as I coudln't spend all night clearing up I just gotta put everything I want in boxes etc and CHUCK OUT ALL THAT'S LEFT OVER he agreed this was a really good prioritizing method so all's good...
Anna: thanks so much for replying why couldn't you reply before you're my best friend. I just couldn't do that putting photos online I was too parnoid and I can't handle being stared at by people I don't know it doesn't help me and I couldn't handle my neighbours knowingly reading my blog. You said you know the locals read yours and you don't care. I couldn't do that.
Heroin therapy sucks you're right. I don't want you on it and you're right not to want me on it I only took it because I felt so shit. If I take a whacking great dose it knocks the shit out of me. Not v advisable. I would be terrified if I knew you were doing that but frankly I didn't care whether I lived or died.
There are way better ways of suicide than getting HIV. I bet now you get state support you would be less into it. I can't believe people actually criticize you for having bipolar and claiming money YOU ARE ENTITLED TO from the same government that WOULD TAX THE SHIT OUT OF YOU IF YOU OWED THEM so don't be guilty they OWE YOU SO TAKE IT and as for anonymouses passing judgement on what you spend on what that is none of their business.
I haven't got any photos of myself ot email I have a camera phone with no charger so it's fucked. Once I get it working it's a different story.... that's why I didn't want to send money because my name and address would have to go on the form it makes me far too paranoid I don't want anyone to know my name my lovers never knew my name or address usually and I had lots of one night/afternoon stands in the 90s. I told them my name was Teddy the skeletal Teddy bear I never told my real name so you see it is an issue with me. I hated being close to anyone. I didn't mind being a whore, I just regret not getting paid I should have charged cash.
As for depression I can't tell how much I get it as it feels normal to me so I don't know. Now I have people telling me I'm not real or my voices aren't real and that confuses me I don't believe anything is real so when people say stuff like that they really confuse me and I don't know what they mean. Just confusion. All I have done is use my will power to push through a lot of confusing stuff now people tell me it's not real so I don't know what they mean? That I should set myself on fire then because I can do as I please? That's what they seem to be telling me. Anyone who seriously fucks with me I will come and fuck them up good and proper.
I should get my own flat according to this social work guy. I'm getting loads of superglue so when people break in I can glue them naked to the floor and keep them there for ages while I very slowly get about to phoning the police and having them punished, know what I mean?
I hope this answers it all. I just was a bit pissed off that you never replied to me but I'm not pissed off any more so no harm done
hi thanks 4 replying to my comments under "morning horror" post. i sat up till 2 am last night and left comment under "the really good sleep" as it was the last post at the time. i dont want an answer as there r no questions but hope u dint miss it as it was after yur answers to baino & robyn. i dont think 4 one minute that i wrote anything thats about 2 change your life, but theres a bit about de-toxing and some other stuff about trust. yur withdrawals r being dealt with by meth so u can deal with de-toxing. as most people cannot hack both together. physical withdrawals shuld be zero with meth. but u r de-toxing from heroin. i.e. learning to live without it, changing habits, routine etc.and you body/mind eventually will not be dependant on it 2 function. then u de-tox from meth very gradually as 2 not feel withdrawals. then see whats left after all that. i would give myself a year if i were u before seeking any diagnosis. self or otherwise. as there will be heaps of changes in that year. i dont think anyone is suggesting u set fire 2 yourself, and i dont think baino was saying that u exagerating or lying. but just that too much time was being spent self analyzing/diagnosing long before u r recovered. 2 months is no time at all. in your reply u said " so i should go back to it shouldn't i?" i think u know the answer to that. but im happy to give my opinion if u were asking me. i gotta go and buy some baccy and will come back . i do feel for u i really do. di-do x
BUGGALUGZ: OK I see what you're talking about now. Of 2 psychiatrists, 1 dual diagnosis professional and a methadone key worker NOBODY has said I'm in detox or withdrawal but what you're talking about is underlining in double-red what a shitty substance methadone is. Considering it's STRONGER than heroin, and MORE ADDICTIVE AND MORE DANGEROUS and more deaths are ascribed to methadone annually than to heroin and it DOESN'T EVEN WORK PROPERLY. If it did nobody would feel suicidal on methadone yet merely depressed on heroin. Methadone is a shit arse waste of time I'm considering dumping it all together and scoring heroin off the street it's safer and will do me more good. I know that's not what you're advising but I'm fed up of all this bullshit unless they give me injectable diamorphine within a couple of weeks I'm having a serious think about coming straight off. I'm not scared of dying. If you could die from withdrawal more people like me would try it with far more enthusiasm. Whatever I do I'm going to ensure it's 100% successful and uncompromising I can't believe I was so weak before I need to do something STRONG. i need a STRONG SOLUTION to cure this ridiculous problem and i don't care if it kills me that is the best of both worlds i only wish i could sleep into all eternity but that one will never happen
What set you off on this suicidal path? Your scaring me with all this wanting to die talk.
Methadone is shit, but if you were on a high enough dose you wouldn't feel the Heroin when you relapsed. What mg dose are you at? In american measurements.
Anna baby I'm sorry I don't mean to scare you i'm only putting down how i feel. i feel like dying sometimes, much more than i feel like suicide. if i ever really was going to do it i would only pre post so it came out when i was dead already but i can't see that happening i'm too much of a pussy to actually take my own life if i wasn't i'd have killed myself years ago
so don't worry about me please i am not worth the energy
Yes you are worth the energy. Please don't say your not. I was going to send you a disposable camera for you to take pictures with, then you send me the camera and I develop the film, and wa la I see Gledwood. You know you could buy the camera and take the photos and send me the camera with no return address.
You have to trust someone sometime. I mean you no harm. I'm curious, and you hiding from me makes the curiousiaty more intense. Spelling errors.
I never expected my shrink to think about me between appointments, that's one reason I trust him better because he does his job and leaves it there.
With counsellors I have managed (somehow) to get under 2 of their skin and i don't need that. I don't need my counsellor crying on the last appointment. I don't need to be going for the counsellor's sake. It's too much of a headfucker for me y'know.
Gear as a painkiller or because we enjoy it. The high of gear even when I've ODd has never ever gone over 4/10 EVER it's a weak drug. I used to complain endlessly about it, everybody assumed my dealers were ripping the piss out of me; then I went to their dealers and got miniscule bags of shitty B. The crap lots of people buy and call a decent deal is unreal. Least my eyes don't lie that a 0.15 is a 0.2 just becauase I paid £15 for 2. Today I paid £15 for 0.4g but it had that crystallizing crap in it so I had to let it cool and suck it in with the congealing crystals in the filter. Ridiculous. Be careful! I know you smoke but smoking can be just as dangerous; I read something really offputting about smoking that scared me, to do with what som really heavy stuff that can happen to your body. But it's rare (thankfully).
Yes I trust in God but not people. People I just cannot trust and haven't been able to going back years. Trivial example: I remember every lunctime my landlord and his partner used to eat lunch in our kitcen with the door shut and I used to get para they were talking about me. One day I realized for ****'s sake how do I KNOW they're talking about me??! I'm just being para. But it was of only natural. My nature. This came up in the psych assessment I had in hte mental hospital!
Of course I listen but you're confusing listening as in hearing and listening as in being able to act the way you might. If I am ill then maybe that is my illness: a lack of trust. But what can I do about that.
I knew what was going on some time ago. That I was fucked up and whoever I let in or trusted, whether they be a doctor, professional or freind, was only going to put me in checkmate and drive me into hospital or worse a prison and make me lose my mind. That is what is happening. The conspiracy is against my sanity and I'm desperately trying to hold it together I don't think people realize how truly desperate I feel.
On the one hand I'm very worried for myself but that is a tiny part of me. Most of me just does not care and willingly goes with the flow, but this is me knowing deep down that all is not like... shit I am falling asleep at the keyboard pressing bucketloads of ;;;;;;;s
I'm going to have to go. Please keep talking to me and I promise I will try to listen. I feel really upset in my head, like I'm losing something I'm trying to keep hold of and I need to keep it with me.... Does that make any sense..??
Sorry I am using your blog to get to someone else Gled, but Anna's blog is gone! I don't know if she made a new one or what happened! I would appreciate it if you would post here if she is OK. Thanks.
I linked up to her less than an hour ago, the post which is an apology was timed to go through at a minute past midnight London time, about half an hour after I finished it and she was still online then because I checked both links to her were OK.
I don't know that you can get back a blog after wiping it I have no idea why she did that.
I'm hoping she'll reply to my email soon and whatever she says I'll update here.
I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!
METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH
Heroin Shortage: News
If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.
Christiane F
"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools.
Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross...
Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way.CHRISTIANE F:
TRAILER
You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.
To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...
DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today? If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!
Drugs Videos
Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.
If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.
Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"
In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"
Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).
Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"
Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.
Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).
Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...
And lastly:
German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!
Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?
Here's the 4-methylmethcathinone molecule. This is the "cocaine plus ecstasy"-style "legal high" I took that time and didn't even know what it was... After a brief but intense craze for meow, it was eventually banned in the UK in April 2010
If you wanna see what manic looks like, watch this. If this is the mood she stayed in all day she'd be moderately manic (severely manic is literally all over the place verging into complete incoherence)... I have been known to yell the same stuff over and over, which is why I like this:
Ferry Corsten remix. William Orbit performance. Samuel Barber's Adagio
DJ Seduction: Starlight August 1992
I love this style of music and WHY do kidz today call it OLD SCHOOL? MAKE ME FEEL ANCIENT WHY DONCHA! I really like that ting-ting-tong tune that comes into it about 3 mins in "release the spirit" yeah....! Respect goin' out LizzyD Yeah ;-)
Angelina Joelie: Crazy Chic
Girl Interrupted: best scenes
Mozart's Requiem Tranced Up
I like danced-up tunes now that I'm "OLD". Like this one... The actual name of the tune is "lacrimosa" which means sad. Which is weird it actually sounds uplifting. but there ya go:~~~~~~~~
Click herefor the Drought Post, news is in the comments.
Because there's more than 200 comments, look closely at the bottom of the form for for "Newer/Newest" - THAT is where you click to find most recent comments.
PETITION THE GOVT FOR PROPER PRESCRIBING TO ADDICTS: CLICK HERE
Royals and rugby
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Today is the birthday of King Charles. I remember that because it's two
days after mine and it was also the birthday of Donna, my best friend in
infant s...
HODGEPODGE NOVEMBER 14
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1. What's something you think is under appreciated. Explain.
*I would say some artists, some are real good but don't know the right
people.*
2. As win...
A FAVOURITE FOOD FOR A FAVOURITE SAINT
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Our *estate di San Martino* (Saint Martin's summer) has been well and truly
over since Sunday and I sit here writing this on a cold, rainy afternoon. A
pro...
Blogging Break
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I'm taking a break from blogging, for two major reasons :a. I find it
hard to concentrate on chosen topics, while there's war and tragedy going
on in m...
Part 2 of "When you are So Mad!!!"
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No, Ive not been set free yet! LOL
I've thought so much about this topic of anger. I'm determined to not let
my life be consumed by my feelings of betr...
It Is Thanksgiving Week
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9 years ago on Thanksgiving morning I wrote a post about what does the
parent of addict have to be thankful about? It is the week of Thanksgiving
2023 a...
Nothing has changed …
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Well well well …..
No editing I’m 60. And nothing has changed. … nothing. Well yeah, the
boys have grown and flown. The girl has grown and is turni...
The Trauma of Beautiful Things Audio Recording
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*(Dedicated to long time reader & friend Soc Priapist... XxX)*
The Trauma of Beautiful Things
I feel it so profoundly that it comes through me as a sa...
Yeah
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No, I am not returning, just updating out of boredom. Plus writing on my
phone sucks, so it won't be a long post.
Yep my book sucks, makes close to no mon...
Dona Nobis Pacem
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Due to moving home I haven't had time to create a new Peace Globe this
year, but I didn't want to let the Peace movement down so I've used last
year's ef...
The end.
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Saturday, October 28th 2017.
Well, here I am editing my last blog post. It's been exactly 10 years since
I started. The main reason being that I emigrated ...
Too Bad Its Monday Humor + KATZ
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Sometimes Saintly Nick hasn't been feeling well recently. He spent most of
today at hospital having test run. As you know, he has cancer and the tests
ar...
Great article about addiction
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Drug use is common, drug addiction is rare. About one adult in three will
use an illegal drug in their lifetime and just under 3m people will do so
this ye...
Obat Herbal Stroke Berat dan Ringan
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*Obat Herbal Stroke* - Penyakit ini terjadi karena peredaran darah didalam
organ otak mengalami penyumbatan atau gangguan. Penyakit Stroke ini adalah
adany...
The People You Meet
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Not saying this is a come back of any type, but after farewelling my
darling friend Jeffrey today, I felt the overwhelming need to blog. Met a
weird Japan...
Despair and Dissolution
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I haven't written partly because I was confused by the new setup. Took me
ages just to get to my blog. Frustration.
Everyone can say "I told you so". Hate...
A long time coming....
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I cannot believe I have neglected this blog for so long.
Just to let you know I will be uploading a post in the next couple of days.
Things are good.
My hea...
Gone but never forgotten
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Hello everyone....
Saturday the 24th May would of been Merle's 80th birthday...
Unfortunately she is gone, but never forgotten...
I just thought I would ...
Everything in it's place
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Yum.That people are reading this in Israel and Indonesia, as well as so
many other places around the world that I never would've expected is pretty
fuckin...
How to Negotiate With Used Cars Dealers
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Car traders have excellent discussing abilities. They know how to deal with
their clients with their methods and methods to make sure that they shop.
Amazi...
starry starry night…
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Ho Ho Ho! Hope everyone had a merry fucking Christmas and will enjoy a
drunken orgy of pleasure on New Years Eve. I had a nice Christmas Day with
Melinda(a...
byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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.....I think the time has come to acknowledge that I'm not actually
blogging any more.....
PLUS
I'm off on Sunday for a Big Adventure Down Under, with L...
-
Before we dive into another cracker from Paul Gallagher, I first must
congratulate Scott Rush for having his death penalty annulled and the
sentence been ...
Daze of Summer
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Her mentor is one of the most gentle people on the planet. He catches flies
in his hands and sets them free outside his studio, and he flicks
mosquitoes a...
Musings
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A week has passed since my last post and it's been a week of contrasts.
Right smack bang in the middle of week, Wednesday, was Australia Day, a
public holi...
Who buys CRACK without Brown ?
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See these F.cking dealers up here they cant get the brown sold cause its
shite so lots of people are just buying Whisky and im thinking to myself No
For Me...
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Would you trust someone who was never sure if they loved you?
I want to be held (or posses a large amount of drugs)
I want to be skinny and pretty
I want...
The Neighbour's Gun
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I remember those lazy summer nights. In my light, light dress, I would open
the window and gaze at the moon in the night. I would look and almost feel
th...
THIS is classic slice-of-life video; filmed from a sushibar conveyor belt in Japan. You don't need sound for this one (unless you speak Japanese...)
Never Mind The Balearics...
LOST WEEKENDS... Lost weeks... Lost lives...
THE SPANISH ISLE of Ibiza is the "spiritual home" of much British dance music...
Eva Cassidy: Autumn Leaves
I wonder if Autumn is as miserable your end as it is here..? This song wonderfully reinterpreted by Eva Cassidy (I think) brought tears to my eyes when I first heard it. See what you think ...
Christiane F
Christiane F
("Wir Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo")
Berlin has long been a centre of "alternative" living, attracting the artistic and dejected. And of course heroin rushes into such a void:
You can see the film in its entirety by clicking HERE.
These are my 3 roborovski hamsters!
(And now there is one...) Itchy, Bashful and Spherical... Itchy, the scruffy, dopey (and tamest one) died a few weeks ago. I was very ****** off (no swearing on this blog (or I'd be effing and blinding all the time...)). Spherical and Bashful were the remaining "Trotters" aka Hamsta MCs, Carrot Nose and Trotter Donkey ... until Trotterdonkey died and now poor Spherical Carrot Nose remains alone ...
What name should I give to my fictional slavering English mastiff hellhound..??
Name the Uncooth Doggie...
NOW I'M PUTTING UP A NEW POLL...My forthcoming fiction shall feature a giant, ill-tempered slavering hellhound of an English Mastiff who spends her time savaging pram wheels, dolls, etc; pulling soft toys apart... growling at houseguests, baying at the light fittings etc etc. She has a total personality change, however, when she gets "raped" down the park by a local rottweiler... leading to a howling, baying, snaggle-toothed litter of puppies!Anyway, which of these three names do you think fits best?(In alphabetical order)GwendolinaPansyTinkerbelle???Vote now ...!!
London Time
GMT (aka "Universal Standard Time"):
ahead of the Americas; behind everywhere else...
Trisch & Jen on the phone
Real life spooky phone call. Trisch Li is speaking to her friend Jen, who has a stalker sneaking round the side of her house. I Love the film exposure. I love the funky background. And I love Trisch. She had bipolar. She died. She left some amazing stuff behind ...You can see Trisch manic here.
Moby: Go
Anyone who was a Twin Peaks fan will know this tune: the in-sequence floaty tune played in-episode (not the theme tune) that made that tellyprog so dreamy.
This tune is something else:~~~~~~~
Future Sound of London: Papua New Guinea
THIS tune is transcendently beautiful.
Thank you to Lizzy who reminded me:~~~~~~~
The Orb: Little Fluffy Clouds (Danny Tengalia)
Archetypal triphead/herb-tokers' tune ...
Urban Shakedown: Some Justice
One of my all time favourite "hardcore" rave tunes. The "woman" singing "we live as one family" is actually a man speeded up. The primal line "Now eeeee-yeah-oh-eeeee-yeah we live as one family," sounded to me like the sun rising at psychedelic dawn. For a long time there was forever a part of me left from this 1991-1992 era, still out there, tripping in a certain corn-on-the-cob field at dawn...
Praga Khan: Injected with a Poison
Sums up what my attitude used to be and is once again to gear. That because, "There's a rainbow inside your mind ... Injected with a poison.... we don't need that any more."
Scott McKenzie: San Francisco
I really used to believe all this crap with all my heart. Peace and love and chemical dreams. If you've ever tripped out high upon higher and sublime upon sublime there is no way of bringing the beauty of the experience back with you... I once had a friend down who brought some cocaine. I did some lines and was soon stuck to the ceiling. I had tickets for a rave in south London. He was too wasted to go. So I had to negotiate an hour and a half nightbus ride all the way down. By Trafalgar Square I was eeing out on 2 pills as well and my eyes such massive discs I couldn't read the bus time tables and had to tell passers-by I'd "forgotten my reading glasses" (how embarrassing)... then I arrived around 3pm. DUR! Not pm (wasn't THAT late 3AM): though these pills didn't wear off till well after 11am which made them superstrong... anyhow... Security let me straight in I'd obviously taken all my drugs (indeed I had: felt like I was flying by this point)... first person I encountered was a middle-aged woman in a ball gown swaying back and forth in the foyer (Brixton Academy: a venue for 5000) I told her: "you are so cool". We subsequently made friends. Watching this video and seeing how stuck in the neverending moment of bliss some "flower kids" are I remember this lady having to tell me: "there's the party. Then the party's over. You have to accept that." But I never could. I wanted happiness to last for ever...
SCOTT MACKENZIE HAS GONE (copyright reasons)
HERE'S JOE BELTRAM 1990 ENERGY FLASH
Who is the superior writer? (From... in no particular order...)
Itchy's "Windy" Face
Not because she has the "farts" but because she "runs like the wind on a windy day" this is Itchy's look when she is nervous...
Bashful and Spherical look like this
(Itchy is a bit smaller)
Bashful's Lookie-Lykie
Hello you Tiny Tubby! Roborovskis are the tiniest of all hamsters, being a mere 5cm/2" fully grown... "Bashful" is pulling a bit of a grumpy face here; but hey!
Should my daily videos stay giant on the top or go mini on my sidebar? (You can only vote once.)
Doggie or Kittie?
You Are: 50% Dog, 50% Cat
You are a nice blend of cat and dog.
You're playful but not too needy. And you're friendly but careful.
And while you have your moody moments, you're too happy to stay upset for long.
38 year-old guy, 6 blogs (the main one is gledwood vol 2 so go there for new postings: blogs are linked via my sidebars), I also have 3 video blogs. One mainly music vids, the other random "novelty" clips from Youtube/etc. The third is my Fabulous Celebrity Blog for fans of trash culture. Unfortunately addicted to drugs - yes it was my own fault but what can I do about it now? Addicted means trapped & can't stop. That's how addicted I am. But that's not ALL I blog about. Apart from drugs I love drink. Apart from drink I'm into little furry animals like Pingpong, my Chinese hamster, and my 3 roborovski hamsters: Itchy, Bashful and Spherical... and ... er, food. Lately there has been a drought of the substance that enslaved me for so long. Will I clean up? Only time will tell...
Fun, comforting, and friendly.
You are a true classic, and while you're not super cutting edge, you're high quality.
People love your company - and have even been known to get addicted to you.
17 comments:
Oh my dearest Gleds,
I feel like shit for not commenting, I love your comments. Your using Heroin Therapy, well I sorta wish that were available legally. Heroin certinaly works well for depression.
It makes me sad to hear your in depression. Your normally a much more manic bi polar than I am. I suffer more depression than I THINK you do. I don't know though. We could have the same amount of mood swings, who knows really. We would have to live together or be in the nut house together to really know.
As far as hiding behind your blog. You say you don't want to be stared at. I don't want to stare at you. I don't even ask that you post a photo on your blog. Just email me one. I don't care what you look like, I just want to see the person I read about, listen to, talk with (in a way), a person I consider a dear freind.
It sounds really lame, but your a huge part of my life. I read your blog every day, or at least every other day. I read your comments, and emails. I even have you saved in my phone.
I don't have a lot of friends in real life, or off line, and when I do have a friend... a online friend is really important to me. I consider you a important friend. I love you.
I don't want you to commit slow suicide. Even though I want to commit slow suicide. I once tried to give myself HIV, but I didn't know that HIV dies when it contacts air. So I didn't get it. I'll save that story for a blog. Unless you want me to email the story to you.
I better stop writting now. Email me a picture. I won't stare at you.
hey gleds, sounds like you having a rough old time. what would cheer you up?
love liz
x x
Lizzy: Mama Mia makes me happy so that's playing round and round on my DVD. I far prefer music to nonmusic on my DVDs. The other stuff I watch is modern comedy Ben Stiller Jennifer Anniston type stuff. They are both hilarious. I had to go through an interview for AGES this morning to establish that I needed the type of help they specialize in. He had to see my house which was really shaming as I coudln't spend all night clearing up I just gotta put everything I want in boxes etc and CHUCK OUT ALL THAT'S LEFT OVER he agreed this was a really good prioritizing method so all's good...
I've blogged. You know what would make me happy? If you sent me your address so I could send you a gift. Email me it when you've got time.
Anna: thanks so much for replying why couldn't you reply before you're my best friend. I just couldn't do that putting photos online I was too parnoid and I can't handle being stared at by people I don't know it doesn't help me and I couldn't handle my neighbours knowingly reading my blog. You said you know the locals read yours and you don't care. I couldn't do that.
Heroin therapy sucks you're right. I don't want you on it and you're right not to want me on it I only took it because I felt so shit. If I take a whacking great dose it knocks the shit out of me. Not v advisable. I would be terrified if I knew you were doing that but frankly I didn't care whether I lived or died.
There are way better ways of suicide than getting HIV. I bet now you get state support you would be less into it. I can't believe people actually criticize you for having bipolar and claiming money YOU ARE ENTITLED TO from the same government that WOULD TAX THE SHIT OUT OF YOU IF YOU OWED THEM so don't be guilty they OWE YOU SO TAKE IT and as for anonymouses passing judgement on what you spend on what that is none of their business.
I haven't got any photos of myself ot email I have a camera phone with no charger so it's fucked. Once I get it working it's a different story.... that's why I didn't want to send money because my name and address would have to go on the form it makes me far too paranoid I don't want anyone to know my name my lovers never knew my name or address usually and I had lots of one night/afternoon stands in the 90s. I told them my name was Teddy the skeletal Teddy bear I never told my real name so you see it is an issue with me. I hated being close to anyone. I didn't mind being a whore, I just regret not getting paid I should have charged cash.
As for depression I can't tell how much I get it as it feels normal to me so I don't know. Now I have people telling me I'm not real or my voices aren't real and that confuses me I don't believe anything is real so when people say stuff like that they really confuse me and I don't know what they mean. Just confusion. All I have done is use my will power to push through a lot of confusing stuff now people tell me it's not real so I don't know what they mean? That I should set myself on fire then because I can do as I please? That's what they seem to be telling me. Anyone who seriously fucks with me I will come and fuck them up good and proper.
I should get my own flat according to this social work guy. I'm getting loads of superglue so when people break in I can glue them naked to the floor and keep them there for ages while I very slowly get about to phoning the police and having them punished, know what I mean?
I hope this answers it all. I just was a bit pissed off that you never replied to me but I'm not pissed off any more so no harm done
Gledwood
xxxxxxx
hi
thanks 4 replying to my comments under "morning horror" post.
i sat up till 2 am last night and left comment under "the really good sleep" as it was the last post at the time. i dont want an answer as there r no questions but hope u dint miss it as it was after yur answers to baino & robyn.
i dont think 4 one minute that i wrote anything thats about 2 change your life, but theres a bit about de-toxing and some other stuff about trust.
yur withdrawals r being dealt with by meth so u can deal with de-toxing. as most people cannot hack both together. physical withdrawals shuld be zero with meth. but u r de-toxing from heroin. i.e. learning to live without it, changing habits, routine etc.and you body/mind eventually will not be dependant on it 2 function. then u de-tox from meth very gradually as 2 not feel withdrawals. then see whats left after all that. i would give myself a year if i were u before seeking any diagnosis. self or otherwise. as there will be heaps of changes in that year.
i dont think anyone is suggesting u set fire 2 yourself, and i dont think baino was saying that u exagerating or lying. but just that too much time was being spent self analyzing/diagnosing long before u r recovered. 2 months is no time at all. in your reply u said " so i should go back to it shouldn't i?" i think u know the answer to that. but im happy to give my opinion if u were asking me. i gotta go and buy some baccy
and will come back .
i do feel for u i really do.
di-do
x
BUGGALUGZ: OK I see what you're talking about now. Of 2 psychiatrists, 1 dual diagnosis professional and a methadone key worker NOBODY has said I'm in detox or withdrawal but what you're talking about is underlining in double-red what a shitty substance methadone is. Considering it's STRONGER than heroin, and MORE ADDICTIVE AND MORE DANGEROUS and more deaths are ascribed to methadone annually than to heroin and it DOESN'T EVEN WORK PROPERLY. If it did nobody would feel suicidal on methadone yet merely depressed on heroin. Methadone is a shit arse waste of time I'm considering dumping it all together and scoring heroin off the street it's safer and will do me more good. I know that's not what you're advising but I'm fed up of all this bullshit unless they give me injectable diamorphine within a couple of weeks I'm having a serious think about coming straight off. I'm not scared of dying. If you could die from withdrawal more people like me would try it with far more enthusiasm. Whatever I do I'm going to ensure it's 100% successful and uncompromising I can't believe I was so weak before I need to do something STRONG. i need a STRONG SOLUTION to cure this ridiculous problem and i don't care if it kills me that is the best of both worlds i only wish i could sleep into all eternity but that one will never happen
What set you off on this suicidal path? Your scaring me with all this wanting to die talk.
Methadone is shit, but if you were on a high enough dose you wouldn't feel the Heroin when you relapsed. What mg dose are you at? In american measurements.
I'll email you I don't trust the clinic not to read my blog and cross check the dose against their patients.
Anna baby I'm sorry I don't mean to scare you i'm only putting down how i feel. i feel like dying sometimes, much more than i feel like suicide. if i ever really was going to do it i would only pre post so it came out when i was dead already but i can't see that happening i'm too much of a pussy to actually take my own life if i wasn't i'd have killed myself years ago
so don't worry about me please i am not worth the energy
Yes you are worth the energy. Please don't say your not. I was going to send you a disposable camera for you to take pictures with, then you send me the camera and I develop the film, and wa la I see Gledwood. You know you could buy the camera and take the photos and send me the camera with no return address.
You have to trust someone sometime. I mean you no harm. I'm curious, and you hiding from me makes the curiousiaty more intense. Spelling errors.
Mucho love
Hi Buggalugz!
I never expected my shrink to think about me between appointments, that's one reason I trust him better because he does his job and leaves it there.
With counsellors I have managed (somehow) to get under 2 of their skin and i don't need that. I don't need my counsellor crying on the last appointment. I don't need to be going for the counsellor's sake. It's too much of a headfucker for me y'know.
Gear as a painkiller or because we enjoy it. The high of gear even when I've ODd has never ever gone over 4/10 EVER it's a weak drug. I used to complain endlessly about it, everybody assumed my dealers were ripping the piss out of me; then I went to their dealers and got miniscule bags of shitty B. The crap lots of people buy and call a decent deal is unreal. Least my eyes don't lie that a 0.15 is a 0.2 just becauase I paid £15 for 2. Today I paid £15 for 0.4g but it had that crystallizing crap in it so I had to let it cool and suck it in with the congealing crystals in the filter. Ridiculous. Be careful! I know you smoke but smoking can be just as dangerous; I read something really offputting about smoking that scared me, to do with what som really heavy stuff that can happen to your body. But it's rare (thankfully).
Yes I trust in God but not people. People I just cannot trust and haven't been able to going back years. Trivial example: I remember every lunctime my landlord and his partner used to eat lunch in our kitcen with the door shut and I used to get para they were talking about me. One day I realized for ****'s sake how do I KNOW they're talking about me??! I'm just being para. But it was of only natural. My nature. This came up in the psych assessment I had in hte mental hospital!
Of course I listen but you're confusing listening as in hearing and listening as in being able to act the way you might. If I am ill then maybe that is my illness: a lack of trust. But what can I do about that.
I knew what was going on some time ago. That I was fucked up and whoever I let in or trusted, whether they be a doctor, professional or freind, was only going to put me in checkmate and drive me into hospital or worse a prison and make me lose my mind. That is what is happening. The conspiracy is against my sanity and I'm desperately trying to hold it together I don't think people realize how truly desperate I feel.
On the one hand I'm very worried for myself but that is a tiny part of me. Most of me just does not care and willingly goes with the flow, but this is me knowing deep down that all is not like... shit I am falling asleep at the keyboard pressing bucketloads of ;;;;;;;s
I'm going to have to go. Please keep talking to me and I promise I will try to listen. I feel really upset in my head, like I'm losing something I'm trying to keep hold of and I need to keep it with me.... Does that make any sense..??
Sorry I am using your blog to get to someone else Gled, but Anna's blog is gone! I don't know if she made a new one or what happened! I would appreciate it if you would post here if she is OK. Thanks.
I linked up to her less than an hour ago, the post which is an apology was timed to go through at a minute past midnight London time, about half an hour after I finished it and she was still online then because I checked both links to her were OK.
I don't know that you can get back a blog after wiping it I have no idea why she did that.
I'm hoping she'll reply to my email soon and whatever she says I'll update here.
I don't know why my blog has been deleted, I'm working on it. If I can't find it by tonight I'll put a new one tomorrow.
Check my blog now. It should be back up.
Elizabeth: as you probably know Anna's blog is now BACK. What on earth happened to it I've no idea! But it's there again
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