HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, February 11, 2011

Bunnies

FURRY FRIDAY ON SATURDAY

I purloined this from Janice who also does this meme... so it's Janice's idea, OK

Cooo, furry and cute!

Rabbits love nibbling things...

WISHING Y'ALL A CHEERY WEEKEND!

13 comments:

Janice said...

That's okay, Gled. You can borrow from me any time. :)

Janice~

Gledwood said...

Thanks Janice I would have loved to borrow your pervybunnies but couldn't find 'em anyway I like my nibblybunny!

HAVE A CHARMING WEEKEND!

Jeannie said...

I've never had a bunny pet but my brother shot one once and I skinned it and cooked it for dinner.

Tasted like chicken - the dark meat.

Gledwood said...

i'd rather eat chicken to be frank

if you're suspicious, always insist on a wing, that's what i say!

Syd said...

I like these posts. They make me smile.

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Really so adorable.

bugerlugs63 said...

hi, i lgged in last night 2 c how things were and spent ? hw lng waiting fr that rabbit 2 finish the carrott then eventually realised it wasn't changing shape and it was the same 2 nibbles over and over with x many chews in between, which i started 2 count,
then i thught he looked like he was saying somut. . . hmmmmm
then i fell asleep ;->

pro plus can make u feel tired (but unable 2 sleep) and a bit yucky of the gut (especially if not eating well) caffeine is harsh in empty stmach.i can c y u think they dont work, but they still have an effect. anyway spect u knw all that.
i was gonna say (last night) can the council not apply to dss to take £3 wk off benefits to pay arrears. they took me 2 court 4 not declaring that a homeless, disabled friend was staying here on and off for three years. £2200
ive had t pay back. £5 a wk directly from benefits. this friend was v resourceful which is how i managed a 5-7 bag a day habit. he currently doing 5 yr at her majesty's for allegedly dealing. though they never caught him with anything more than .1g!!
v.long story..
right im off. sorry i cant seem 2 send a short comment. i will try later.

"tonight MATTHEW KELLY im going to be . . . .

a psychiatrist!!"

;-)

foam said...

i get a kick out of your fuzzy wuzzy furry fridays.
and i'm mesmerized by that bunny eating the carot! i keep waiting for the carot to become less .. :)

foam said...

i get a kick out of your fuzzy wuzzy furry fridays.
and i'm mesmerized by that bunny eating the carot! i keep waiting for the carot to become less .. :)

Gledwood said...

hi hi HIGH everyone

i feel gooooooood today

i had loads of sleep about 10 hours or even 12 i did that lie in thing where you squeeze every drop of sleep out of yourself like squeezing water out of a soggy old sponge and i don't feel physically SHIT anymore i have tons of energy wow wowww!!!

Buggalugz: i don't know what was making me so shitty i only took 6 pro plus and they seemed to do nothing at all that nauseated feeling is an exaggerated feeling of what i get when i've not slept my body was desperate for sleep and knackered and it brought me down but my head was lit up and NOT GOING THERE and i WILL NOT LIE IN BED BEING BORED SHITLESS you're not meant to you don't go to bed unless youre shagging or sleeping that is ALL a bed is for that's called sleep hygeine so if you can't sleep you get up. this is what i read, what i was told and what i've done it only drives people berzerk when i'm in their house i'm fine on my own which is another reason i kept all relationships bar one at THEIR place so i could just vanish at 3am and do night bus entertainment

i'm not into pro plus i only ever bought it once when i ran out of coffee and thought it might make me more manic when i was in a half arsed stage but it's crap

i drink tea for the warmth and when i forget to drink it i still get the fucking E rush i blame on caffeine!

this friend you had staying could they PROVE they were living there more nights yes than no? isn't that the rule you're only allowed 3 nights

everybody does that. i mean everybody else

this place where im at is meant to be for people who were homeless or had nowhere else to go

and yet one person in particular just stores his stuff here and lives at his girlf's or babymother's yet he had the cheek to complain about ME if he tempts me i'm fucking complaining about him he started it and i have reason to be pissed off with someone seriously swindling resources off the country i just claim what i'm entitled to he is taking the piss he drives a new car yet is on benefits hes a fucking piss taker i dont know anything about him cept he doesn't actually live here and as i say... "don't tempt me motherfucker" cause he said he was getting me chucked out maybe i should get him fucked off from here i cannot stand the cunt

anyway: sorry to go back to this but how can U owe 2200 pounds for someone ELSE staying there

that's fucked up, sorry but it is

now darling i have to run. methadone chemist calling my name

hope i didn't rant TOO much i feel fucking fantastic no hope in hell of me taking those shit arse pills today!

bugerlugs63 said...

just a quiky(if that poss as casualty soon!)
they alleged he lived here 4 five years as a partner, which would have meant re-paying all benfits 4 not claiming as a couple, and loads of other complications.
i managed 2 prove he was not my partner(even though apart from the corner shops, he was the only asian in the town, and my hamper girl is half asian!! (thick bastards)
then they come up with if u have a non-dependent adult staying with u , u have 2 contribute £7.40 per wk 2 rent and about the same to council tax. they knew he was most definitely more here than not. police always came here for him, loads of reasons. so i settled 4 three years. and was told by judge i had got off lightly. its a very small town and every time he had been in local court (many)he had referred to living in this town.long story but u did ask.
yes so i got the bill as i, as tenant, should have paid it (£15 per week x 3 yrs)
i was more pissed off that i now got criminal record, having managed to get by without one till then
casualty gotta go ... .
catch ya later
x

bugerlugs63 said...

ps. really good to hear u feeling good ;-)

Gledwood said...

i can't handle casualty tonight

ok i get it now it sounds very irritating i'm surprised you didn't lamp one of the officials then again if you're like me you feel the anger but not usually towards some specific person which kind of diffuses the situation also the police are really funny if you can make them laugh

criminal record? the BASTARDS!

as for contributing £7.50 that's fucking shit that is

when i lived with someone for 2.5 years in a similar circumstance i used another house as my address, to save this person trouble

i had a vague idea they could get in trouble but no idea of the whys or wherefores and was on heroin so not into spending a moment longer than necessary doing anything bar grafting scoring or using!

thanks for answering i hope it didn't piss you off too much going through all that again

me good: i'm fine but tired now i really hope i'm not coming down i hate coming down it's either depressing or just plain dull know what i mean

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood