OK this is my FIFTH attempt at posting. Posts 1 and 2 were requests for advice on suicide methods. Probably not entirely appropriate. Posts 3 and 4 had other stuff in but still wanted to know how to go about dying. I'm feeling much better having dropped my last 4 Valium, yeah man I quadroupledropped; I'm desperate). I slept from 10 till midnight. Got up. Mamma Mia my favourite film is playing. Sad perhaps but if you like Greece and think THIS is bad my simple advice: get a life. You gotta do what you gotta do. And if watching Julie Walters and Meryl Streep doing hairbrush singing to some pretty fantastic tunes (exceptions: Dancing Queen, Waterloo ukkkh) that's what I'm doing.
Michael Jackson is playing in black and white. BOTH the discs I tried did this. Why?? Is it my DVD player? How come it plays everything else in colour. Also both MJ discs do that thing when they need rubbing clean: pixelation and start-stop sound. And they were brand new, held by the edge and inserted direct in the machine. If 2 separate discs do this how do I know the other 2 copies they have aren't from the same batch? Because surely they produced an entire duff batch for it to do that.
OK Michael Jackson's on again: the BAD video and it's still black and white with jittering sound. I'm not wiping a disc I haven't touched with my hands so they can look at it and say "you scratched it" so it's going back tomorrow. Which is a look I can do without. Yeah I know part 1 is black and white but the BAD motif is bright red innit, also the "pick a track" selection was black and white as was the intro to it all. Why does this not happen to other people? Why me?
I'm not in a terrible mood but I'm not in a particularly good one either. Got a horrible feeling this is crashing lower and lower. It usually does it the same way; like a wobbly line plunging gradually down. Worst crash ever went from me phoning my Mum around 9am raging (ie very high but irritated); me having one drink en route to the methadone chemist and feeling high on coke (if drink did that to everyone every time shops would sell out overnight, trust me!) then my worker phoning around 11 when I was crystal clear. By 2pm I was curled in a ball eyes closed with vile imagery playing out like a bright inner tv picture. I saw darkness surround me and kept thinking I was in prison in some foreign country for some terrible crime. I felt really dire. It was either this crash or the next one a day or 2 later when the aerial fell off the tv and I didn't even notice the picture was barely there any more though the sound functioned. I stared into space for hours, got up, froze in the middle of the room not knowing what I was doing. Had to go out. Did it but couldn't handle anything about the situation. Got home and curled up into a ball again. That's what happens when it's bad. And I remember those days as the worst ever and I do mean worst ever in my entire life. Worse than heroin cold turkey. Worse than anything else in the endless line of mistakes, fuck-ups, misdemeanours, stupid moves and crises I've got myself into over 38 years. So if that's happening again I'm not engaging with no-one. Not going to NA, probably not going to Nutter Club. Not going to anything bar 2 appointments, one with the dr; another with the shrink, both next week.
My only hope is my jagged shaped mood pattern will whoosh up again from the low. Rather than an undulating wavy line it seems to coast gradually down then rush UP from the lowest point peaking within 3 days or so to a maximum high, coasting gradually down (the best bit, because I'm high but not disabled. Being ultra high means I can barely tie my own shoe laces, let alone "engage in activities with a strong regret potential" or however they phrase it (casual sex, compulsive spending, highly impulsive behaviour) my problem is more letting my mouth run away with me to the point of gross offence and being unable to judge what's supposed to be appropriate or inappropriate re what other people think. And I'd tend to think "fuck 'em anyway!". This high is very compelling. Unlike crack even (but more like E) I just get swept away with it all. And going with a flow, when that flow is pretty amazing, is a heady thing to do.
And you wonder why I'm terrified coming down. Coming down means feeling vile. I have had no "normality" for 9 or 10 weeks. Just ups or downs, some mild, some extreme. No "normality". I know normality is meant to be good. But what actually is it? Is it really so amazing? If it is, how come people who are "normal" appear so stressed.
This really pretty Swedish girl at an NA meeting, who seemed calm, as most anxious people appear superficially calm, said how much she worries. I could have told her how not to worry. No drugs are required. Merely a psychological tennisbat to WHACK bad thought, experience, ideas out of the head.
What Valium is coasting full-on now. Beautiful. Frankly I don't care how much I drink or how much Valium I pop. If that saves my life it's a good thing? Or is mine not a life worth saving? If so: you advise me on 100% lethal at-home suicide methods. Obvious stuff like wrist-slashing is out. It must be quick and quiet. I'll switch off my phone and make sure it's late evening so I have a good 8 hours undisturbed by unwanted landlordly callers. I need no opportunity to panic and change my mind. I need rapid unconsciousness leading to rapid death. So if you want me dead: please advise. I've put all comments on mods now so you won't get in trouble for expressing a sensible opinion. It's sensible that me and life are separated as quickly as possible.
Even God assisted suicide in the old testament. Remember the story of that weakling Samson who let a girl named Delilah rule over him. Thanks to her he lost his amazing strength and found himself grinding corn in a Philistine prison. During his "sentence" his hair grew. So when 5000 of the Great and the Bad, in a feast for their god, insisted "bring out Samson to amuse us" he was duly dragged from prison into the temple where he found himself stood between two narrow pillars. He prayed to God, "please Lord give me strength one last time" and God, who knows everything imbued Samson with strength to break these pillars down, bringing down the roof and killing 5000 aristocrats. God knows everything and was well aware that this last move would kill Samson also. Yet God engaged in Assisted Suicide. Does god EVER break his own rules? No. Meaning suicide is OK.
If I've desperately misread this situation, someone somewhere who knows intimately the issues involved, please put me right here.
O shit; past 4am; absolutely exhausted. Hope I sleep 20 hours tomorrow. I could do iwth extended bed. My I must be off I'm so val'd I'm cross eyed; night-night all!
ALL SAINTS: BLACK COFFEE
16 comments:
Gleds, I really hope you're telling your drs all you write here in this post - try to get an earlier appointment ... ring them without delay please*!*
I can't remember what i wrote. i'll check it then i'll come back to you
you know i had 3 valium and slept 2 hours, then 4 more and slept 3 hours
5 hours' sleep on 70mg diazepam; that's ridiculous
i can't believe this is still going on despite the mood-plummet which isn't terrible i just feel normal shit not horribly depressed honestly i don't. so i should be abolsutely fine, as fine as i ever get but i'm not fine
ALL THESE LIES i was told that stopping drinking would cure me, that stopping heroin would make me happy all UTTER LIES which i knew at the time. but attractive enough at least to try
what a waste of time
Nah not a waste of time, you just need some company while you go through it. You don't have to do it alone you know.
I think you should give the docs your link so they can read themselves how you go up and down.
hi. hope u slept some now.
i wasn't doubting your word re; post office hole in wall(as in; check internet if u dont beleive me)
y would i not beleive u?
i'm sure lots of people make up lots of shit on these blogs, but i dint have u down as one of them.
i sort of wish we had hole in wall 4 when i run out of gas/elec/bacca etc, but then again. . . maybe not.
anyway i do apologise if i sounded that way. as i said before its easy 2 misunderstand with no voice or face.
and yes english as a foreign language is standardized and apparently easier to learn than others .but a foreigner arriving in newcastle, birmingham, norfolk, liverpool, etc etc. will find the spoken very different to the english they have learned (not 2 mention if they were 2 visit scotland, wales etc)
i read the comment above about not having 2 go thrugh this alone, and did wonder the other day if u had anyone nearby who could help u blitz your flat or sort out your forms. i know when i go a bit skewwy, paperwork just piles up and next thing its court summons or benefits withdrawn.then if u r ote like me u kind of push help away, assuring yourself u will cope and u will sort it. maybe not. thats just me.
i do hope u feeling a little higher than "boring old normal";-)
today.
o yes sorry i just remebered what i was gonna say yesterday.
u were singing the praises of lidl a couple weeks back, lidl and aldi have been here 6 yrs and i hadn't tried them, until last week and yes they r brill, my £120 week food bill was roughly £85 between the 2 shops and good quality. well chuffed with that, ta muchly
must go
be back later
x
ps. i sorry to go on, but stopping H will make u happier, u know it will, its not a lie. H is the liar.
its only just over a month since u proper stopped and recovery is a long road.
and although valium and drink help at the time 2 "change" things, when they wear off,u generally feel worse than how u felt when u took them. i know its real hard work and days and nights can go on forever, but it is worth it. its not a lie
x
a friend of mine just comitted suicide last night. he hung himself in his prison cell. just don't do it. its so pointless. such a waste... stick to it. chill and do some meditation... this stuff is really working.
I think I am going fix my old mountain bike. It's still rideable. I rode it all last summer but the bottom bracket is loose. The bearings are probably shot. It is really old. How is this relevant to your present situation? It isn't. I can advise you on how to fix an old mountain bike, but I can't advise you on the best method to off yourself. I don't have that answer as it is a very personal decision. The way I see things at least for myself is why not wait and see what is around the next corner. There is always plenty of time to eat a bullet. Heck if you wait around long enough, the problem will take care of itself naturally so there is really no need to go jump the gun. Sorry if my advice sounds lame. It's all I am able to offer. Here's to happiness... peace... out.
As you know I am not an expert on this at all. I read the comment above that you have really only been off of H one month? And of course you are still using other things to help you. When I spoke with B's counselor because of his constant mood changes she looked at me like I was the nutter and told me that of course he has severe mood changes - happy, angry, depressed (yes he had attempted suicide albiet 1/2 assed twice) she basically said it was normal "H" - Oxy and who knows what else he was on and how much of it that he has months of going through this as it deeply effects their shit I forgot but something in the brain. The longer you have used it the longer it will take. We don't know if part of his problems were caused from the drug use or prior and that is what got him started and it doesn't matter it is what we must deal with now. Please hang on and just write even when it doesn't make much sense which I know sometimes my blogs don't even when I re-read them I think I must have been really fucked up when I wrote it and I don't do any drugs or drink. I smoke a lot and though and I know it is hurting me but I still do it. I don't know if you realize how much YOU help me or other bloggers that you comment on. For me, you give me insight on my son which is invaluable. I like hearing from other Parents but hearing from you and other's that are going through the pain of trying to stop using helps more than you know. You are always the first one I look for on my comments. You are invaluable to me and I pray for your peace and to get well. And I also think that you shrink should see some of your writings - it makes sense that they would want to know as much about you as possible. Also, sorry to go on but I have a friend that is bi-polar and has severe depression. She actually went to a Mental place for 60 days so they could keep an eye on her and try to get her med's right. That was a problem for her because it takes a long time for your body to adjust. It took almost one year but she is doing amazing now - yes she still has bad days. She belongs to NAMI? Or at least spends a lot of time reading about her problems. It helps. Hang in there - I will always include you in my prayers.
Gleds I'm really worried about you. I think Jeannie's idea of giving your docs a link to your blog is a good one. Please take care of yourself. x
My heart breaks you are going through this severe turmoil where you would even consider suicide, that is has gone on for some time. I too agree with above that you should hurry your appt to the dr and give him a link to your blog.
It is so worth it to live, and your life is a life worth living.
You have written such thoughtful comments on my blog I appreciate, and I am not even in your town. There are people you may not even know you have touched in a positive way with your life. Please hurry to see the dr, or reach out to someone who can take you.
I am not an expert on the Bible... and I do not know your particular faith... but in my faith, I believe God created us in His image and I can not imagine He appreciates when we think He messed up. God loves you as much as he loves anyone else as we are all His children, He loves us equally. I can't imagine He would be okay with it. He thinks you are beautiful.
This is my opinion, not trying to get into a Bible debate with anyone :)
And what can be more frustrating than DVD rentals that mess up??? lol
God bless.
Baino: i don't understand how anyone can help me though all i ever do to other people is drive them crazy or lie lie lie pretending i'm ok when i'm not because it's not acceptable to be me so i just lie that's why i never say "i'm ill" in real life i pretend to be well no matter how shit i feel, then i get treated as well and it's all good. except when i need a dr quick, the dr's never there, except now. they take me seriously and it's nothing to do with my acting. it's because i'm not acting
Jeannie: if i had a printer i'd print it out and highlight in yellow; he's a consultant psychiatrist so very pushed for time also i got it wrong i see ONE dr the consultant the other person is dual diagnosis and person 3 is my drugs keyworker but my gp is useless so i can't go there i was going to make an appointment to update my gp but without a word what can i say? i need the word
BUGGALUGZ: fucking machine lost a comment before i even prest return
paperwork: a total mess lost both dla forms i think they're in with phone chargers not sure
mail i never ever open unless someone eg my mum phones and says something's coming or i won't even check the envelopes the letters are full of shit or threats so i don't open anything and haven't since months on end maybe a year i don't remember and i don't care the world can fuck off
my card works on the chip ie in the PO but the magnetic strip is broken as the card split in half so it won't work hole in the wall
i didn't mean you shouldn't trust me as such but why should anyone trust anyone most people want something off you, know what i mean
i don't want anything off you but you have to be careful and be careful what machine the card goes in it's only the post office's own which is why i call it a 2nd class citizen card
lidl we have aldi i don't know where it is also i'd like to try asda they advertise heavily yet they are too far away to be practical so i do morrisons id' say tescos are most annoying having 3 levels of everything finest (ie proper) normal (shit) and value (bullshit) everything should be finest!
lidl's stuff is at least as good as a normal supermarket and the sweets & ice creams are way better, being german just be careful if you hate pork they put it in beef lasagne i can't believe they have cheek to do that so i stopped going in there also they won't even give a free bag as you may have noticed and have ONE person on a till for about 15 shoppers but apart from that it's all good
and did you know tesco/sainsbury after destroying the corner shop trade in this country had the cheek to mount a legal challenge against these shops when they wanted to come into britain! bastards!
yeah h is the liar but what about this methadone is better shit they keep saying? that's the biggest lie
i had 10x10b hit last night it blew me away which i was really glad of i like it when it has me uncinscious that's the point of heroin it should knock the shit out of you! beautiful
but i'm not bothering wtih it again
apart from a little lapse where the gear was so weak i haven't really taken heroin for about 10 weeks now and that was what gave me that manic depression in erly december ie i was manic and depressed everyone wants to think it was just 2 days of madness over 1 weekend (both sides of my family think that) that was just the spike i saw a dr on the thurs and was so out of it that day he looked really shocked i've never seen a shrink looked so taken aback: what someone in a druggie clinic seeing a shrink and actually mentally ill and not lying. maybe that's a first for him. junkies are fucking liars they have fucked me up because i told the truth and was taken to be like everyone else a big fat liar
all i lied about was how much how often i used as obviously i used all the time but they won't accept that and they won't accept that methadone is SHIT which is why i continued using heroin for years on end despite being scripted
hope this answers everything sorry if this sounds all rude
:KURT kurt you have brought up a lot of stuff i cannot say to you because you just lost your friend so i'll leave it at this i'm sorry for your loss, for the loss of his life. i know 2 people who killed themselves about a year ago and it caused chaos because person 1 was best friends with person 2 who followed suit; person 3 was person 2's girlfriend but she's still alive which surprises all of us as person 3 has the most fucked up life of any of us she's a true survivor
MOLSON: yeah: way i always saw it is you die anyhow so might as well go on to the bitter end like one of those fucked pigeons you see on the street that is scared and cold and wet and can't fly and waiting for some dog to savage it or just to die or be kicked by some kid. that is life
zen and the art of bike maintenance!
TORI: that's why depression after or during opiate detox is considered separate to "clinical depression"... but i'm not in detox i'm on methadone which is more addictive and stronger and i go HIGH on it, low then high which is why they think it's bipolar. by high i mean too fast to think hearing voices not sleeping for days on end all that stuff it feels great though but it's more chaotic than depression ever was, now i'm down again but not that bad i just don't want to be awake id rather have living death if the real thing is unacceptable i'm not surprised michael jackson was into that propofol
i'm glad i help someone
you know i was only on heroin from age 28 to age 38 with about 2 years or so tilting down into it but not addicted at the beginning
the depression was bad enough that i tried to die twice and thought i was dead when i woke up i only bodged it esp the 2nd time because i had drunk so much to intensify the pills and i tried to drown but floated!
as for mood swings i had them increasingly but bipolar books/sites put down confusing stuff and it just does not feel like a mood swing when you have one it feels like having too much energy, i only truly felt high when i was so out of it i couldn't follow a simple conversation, the rest of the time the euphoria came and went, like when you're drunk on your own you think you're ok but someone calls you and you're laughing etc it was a bit like that; the depression i find even harder to know whether it's real as i pretend to be ok all the time and only when i'm so far gone i stare all day into space do i really know i'm depressed and that only happens for very short periods maybe one entire week out of my life whereas i've been depressed and suicidal for months and years
sorry to depress you, basically the professionals who see me think it looks v like bipolar rather than just drugs. nobody i know on heroin/crack/drink has ever got in the mess i got into this might sound self-pitying but i realized it's true and i have to help myself any way i can. i know people with far worse problems but they're schizophrenic which i don't think i am
i always found the problem with moods is your mood feels "normal" nearly all the time no matter how extreme it is especially when you're on your own
i hope your B sorts himself out he sounds like a good kid with a slew of problems it will take him years to get over having said that i bet 95% could be prety much sorted within 6 months 98% within a year... and so on so it's not as terrible as it sounds i think he needs a mentor figure which probably wouldn't be you, you're too exhausted, too emotionally drained and you need to detach with love as they say i hop you both are OK
AKELAMALU: i think i need to print it out and highlight the pertinent stuff in green bc he just won't have time to trawl through he's so busy when he comes in it's like royalty with a train of people asking for this that and the other eg he hsa to sign every script when a worker actually makes the prescrption and could sign but that's the law!
HEATHER'S MOM: I was a bit careful with the Bible stuff I didn't want to be blasphemous but it plainly says God gave power to Samson to push down this temple and in doing so he killed himself. Suicide wasn't the prime motive but by this time Samson was blind and a prisoner and his life was over I think the parable is about physical vs mental strength he had very little of the latter!
i never know what to put about my "recovery" usually i don't even think about heroin and when i did take some last night i just posted up what happened only editing the strings of ddddddddddddddd because there were so many the machine wouldn't accept them. If heroin does that to a computer what is it doing to my brain?
I hadn't realized how much I put about suicide. The other trashed posts were way worse asking for detailed methods etc v dangerous i don't want anyone using my site for suicide advice thats not what its about
i decided if i have the label bipolar i will die then someone family pointed out it is just a word and if i am that i am it anyhow ~ what difference does a name make?
i see the dr in 8 days time ie not tomorrow but next thursday then maybe i get different meds
it feels weird to be a drug addict on meds but i recognize i had mood swings so intense they only treat them with medication it literally felt at times like my brain had gone in a blender on high power, it's not feeling ok then angry then upset it's feeling so fast so high it turns into nonsense then so low everything is meaningless so apart from popping the dr's pills i don't know what to do
Write out what you are feeling in a daily journal and take that to the doctor. It has really helped me to keep a daily journal of what I am thinking and feeling. Hang in there.
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