I ONCE SAW A NEWBORN BABY IN ACUTE HEROIN WITHDRAWAL. The poor little mite was reaching out with one hand then the other, grasping for something that just wasn't there, never would be there ever again. Until this poor kid grew up and wondered why it liked heroin so much.In Britain, newborn opiate-addicted babies are titrated with IV morphine and the dose is dropped over a week or two to nothing. Because babies don't act or lie the signs they give out are more easily read by a doctor than those of a full-grown addict who has learned in the process of growing up not to show suffering, yet is suffering intensely and undermedicated. That's what they do to addicts. Undermedicate. Or as my friend Rebs said "they leave you right on the edge".
I won't go into this story more I only brought it up because like that baby, I'm grasping at nothing. Every straw I grasp at gives way.
I have food in the oven. I don't want to eat. A film is playing. I don't want to watch it. I took a Nytol pill (which I loathe) but I don't want to sleep. I have methadone which I also don't want.
I remember the day the doctor said, not entirely seriously (I hope) that he'd up my dose to 300mg a day if it helped me. That's like telling a starving man "I'll give you a tanker load of pigswill". Barking up the wrong tree entirely. I took heroin because I liked heroin and heroin made me OK. Methadone never made me any better than physically OK and when I had a habit going not even 150mg would do that on day one. I never found a dose I could get onto from constant heroin (no methadone) to just methadone where I didn't have periodic hot and cold sweats and no appetite.
In the end I gave up trying to do anything important on methadone. It was just undoable. I went to Windsor to see my Mum. Arrived 2 hours late. Felt intermittently ill despite a "huge" methadone dose. Had to take God knows how many trains to get there. Every time one whooshed past at the station I had this urge to jump... And that's what methadone does to me.
A life on methadone is no life at all. I need to get off it as quick as I can. Even if that involves going back to heroin I'd rather do that and pop filters every eight hours. A filter of good B is stronger than 50mg methadone. So three filters: one £10 bag, 0.2g heroin. That holds me way better than 150mg methadone. Which tells me that their equivalence tables are nonsense. 0.2g of good heroin could be 100mg diamorphine. And it's stronger than methadone. It works. Methadone doesn't work. Methadone drove me so crazy I could no longer think, let alone speak coherent English.
I'm taking the clinic to court. I'm fed up of this bullshit. I don't think I have any right to happiness or any right to morphine or diamorphine but surely I have a right to die, so why won't they kill me? You know what they're doing. They want me to kill myself. I will never kill myself for the sake of another person, so that one won't happen.
All our days are numbered. That's the best thing about life. Life ends.
SONYA: END OF THE WORLD
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6 comments:
Gleds,
feel better. I know those sound like empty words but my intentions are good.
Isn't there anything the doc can give you with a euphoria effect? I don't know.
I take amytriptyline, not for depression so much as sleep.
I read that yrs ago, they'd keep a patient asleep for 3 weeks & when patient awoke the depression was gone. I wish they still practiced that.
Take good care, life is short as it is.
j.
i wouldn't dare take an antidepressant except under medical supervision i got so high last time then so low it just isn't worth it but thanks for the thought
i heard quetiapine interreacts with methadone to make it more heroiny in fact i've heard of prisoners "abusing" quetiapine (says more about prison than quetiapine to me) but that's the one i wanted anyhow i don't want appetite gain or weight gain i cannot come off drugs and go on an eating binge that's just sick
sonia makes me happy that's why i put that song there
Hi Hon. Do you have Skype? Find me if you do.
When it comes to rehabilitation and heroin detox, counseling and building a solid and strong support system are the first two and most vital steps a heroin addict needs to take. Many addicts have attempted to quit without professional help and most of them fail and end up back where they were or worse. You have family (mum) and you have access to support so I really urge you to use them. Stop this silly talk about suing clinics and people wanting to kill you. You're making excuses not giving 'reasons'. You're a bright lad under a shitload of stress but no man is an island and I don't think you can do this alone. Can you check into rehab? Just for a few days. Get the initial twitches over and done with and some medicated balance?l Gleds there's no conspiracy, your medical support want you to get better and chuck the habit. Keep the faith friend. You can do it, just stop thinking so much. Better fat than dead!
All I want from the "government" is a treatment that works. That's all. It does make me wonder whether they want me to lose my mind on that stuff because that's what happens when I take it, see what I mean?
Despite what I said I don't actually want any drugs. The only drugs I really "need" are ones my drs would give anyway: sleeping pills. And probably mood stabilizers. I don't want mood stabilizers but my mood has been unstable for so many years now ... then people tell me stuff I don't have the faintest recollection of about being "manic". I knew something was wrong a LONG time ago but deliberately hid it from drs as I was terrified of the word "manic depression" and thought if I had it I barely had it and was mostly depressive. Now all this shit happens and I just cannot do it on my own any more. The problem I got with my moods is about x10 stronger than heroin ever had a hold over me, which is saying something. On drugs I was able to hold back and not misbehave. On "nothing" I get totally swept away with it and act like a weirdo. I never even realized till I came out of it how much yelling and screaming I probably did alone in my room with very thin walls.
I know it's not a conspiracy, it just really feels like one and I feel too paranoid to tell the dr about this shit. I seriously thought he wanted to kill me one time and if I tell this it all becomes such a headfucker I can't deal with it.
So I'm keeping to arms length stuff. I mean my own life story is so worn out I can tell it backwards in my sleep and feel nothing. Like most psychiatric/drugs patients you get used to going over nonsense so much it just becomes someone else's story.
I suppose I have to grow up but that involves taking meds and I just don't want them. I want off off and away from this methadone shit I loathe polluting my body with it I absolutely hate the stuff yet they worry I might try and do myself in with it! The glass bottle's more dangerous than the drug, to an old junkie like me. Methadone is just a nasty toxin I want away from me. I know this sounds over vehement but I couldn't bear to turn into one of those methadone junkies who won't stop taking it I want that rubbish and me separated as QUICK as possible!
Re food it feels too indulgent to eat. The exact opposite of what I should be doing. Cutting back and Controlling everything when eating is going out of control. I need control. At least when you're underweight you know you did that to yourself so you have some modicum of self control. I'd rather look thin and shit than fat and shit. Shit will be in the equation somewhere I just know it will! So it might as well go with underweight. I'm currently at my ideal weight btw, definitely not thin, but not fat either
I totally agree with what Baino said ! Read carefully what she writes ! I don't agree at all with your answer. Medications are necessary. My friend had polio when she was 3 years old, now with the age her back hurts terribly. She never complaints she just takes pain killers. I am sure methadone helps even if you don't realize !
I just wanted to let you know that you have inspired me to start my own blog. I am tired of finding myself continuously wishing I had even a soul to talk to. Now I can calm my anxiety by putting my whole self into something, while simultaneously feeding my urge for someone to listen. I think it will be good.. Thank you.
-Jude
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