HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Betting Shop Lassitude

BOILING HOT DAY. And here I am, sat like a derelict in the William Hill betting shop. The "punters" are swearing and maoning that Sky (the satellite system) is out of action. So we've one screen of dogs and then lots and lots of clay court tennis (the French Open).

I just passed one of my dealers who looks like a member of the Taliban now. All I said was hi was I sailed past. Of course two minutes later, by which time he's truly gone, I have to phone. Give him twenty minutes so he can "do something," he tells me ... So I'm sipping cyder from a mineral water bottle, whiling away my time here ....

Actually I hate tennis but today it is mesmerizing. What's this rubbish about Sky? It is on! The 4:40 at Bath is running as we speak! These are the runners. I always think they're a little more exotically named than American "gee-gees":

Lord Nelsson 9/2 Sharaab 9/2 Top Trees 9/2 Sqirtle 5/1 Honour High 5/1 Jayer Gilles 12/1 (now leading by two lengths) Reflex Blue 14/1 Noble Calling 16/1 Montgomery 25/1

Oh dear. Jayer Gilles now leading two and a half furlongs to travel. Jayer Gilles still leads ...

Result:
First: Jayer Gilles
Second: Sharaab
Third: Lord Nelsson

Greek guy in the corner gesticulating and calling his selection something rhyming with "hunt" ...

Tennis: this is what is says on screen:
Federer 3631 0
Nadal 6462 15 - what do these numbers mean?

I note Pic Up Sticks is running the 5:10 at Bath. One I've lost money on before ...

OK I'm off to get more cyder. And I'm not writing another word till gitfeatures shows up. He knows where I am.

OK I'm writing:--

I'm looking at those ballboys running around at Roland Garros. (Why no ballgirls? Discrimination!) Wow they have to look sharpish. Tennisballs flying everywhere. If they gathered them up just as fast but without dancing like cats on hot bricks I bet they get fired for complacency.

4:55 Roscommon.
"Come on Ruby (Ruby Walsh: the jockey). Whip his arse! Come on my son!" urges the balding middle-aged man to my right (that narrows the field - not ...)

... but it's a photofinish. I notice the riders at Philadelphia don't even seem to carry "crops" ... would this be true? Is it illegal in America to beat the horses? I know it's seemingly illegal to bet on them. (Then why bother running the races??)

Canadian Grand Prix:
Hamilton= favourite - evens. oops Odds just dropped to 10/11 Alanso 5/4 Raikkonen 9/1

At which point Mr Taliban arrived outside, I scored and jumped the bus home.

End of a sweaty, dazzleglinting sultry day. And I'm tired now.

***

What do you think of the musical experiment? Madonna's singing because I stole the gizmo from Madonna's blog. Surely I can get it to sing other songs? (I'm not so sure.) Anyway: approve or disapprove? Answers, please ...

If it annoys you go to the bottom of the sidebar, there's play, stop, ff, rw buttons. Just press stop (II).

In my opinion track 3 is the best, 2 is good, 1 I like the least. Just click 3 times on another track, it will play. (I can tell you how to suck an egg if you like. Stay tuned tomorrow!!)

If I could find something like that with more choice of artists I might install it permanently. I do like Madonna but I know a lot of people don't!

20 comments:

Audrey said...

Gledwood, thanks for your visit. Ive been catching up on your recent postings, you write so well, captivating and interesting. Your post on the cyberworld,personas was very thought provoking...I work in the field of mental health though some may find this a strange comment, these people are very 'real' when it comes to communicating, I often wonder if it comes from having come through 'the system' that they feel they have nothing to lose, only when they sit with a psychiatrist for the token 15 minute consultation do they adopt something that resembles a well behaved child, which is sad, as the real is so much healthier in some cases, also most of my best friends, real friends have been people who fight addiction, no pretty pictures, yet they possess a depth and strength of character that is quite simply, quietly astounding...Your blog is so valuable, for me it challenges many stigmas that can so easily blind people..

Now I must try the dumpling recipe, I have never ever managed to produce a dumpling that was anything near edible, this is a real challenge for me, I will be celebrating with gusto if they come out well

Gledwood said...

You are NOT meant to use marge at all though Audrey. Liz from Wales says use Atora suet!

What you say about mental health patients:== v interesting

Nicole said...

I love this blog but sweet Jeebus do I hate it when musical kaka goes off on a website. You've never seen me scrambling so fast to find the shut-the-fuck-up button. I can't deal with it.

The only time I can deal with it is if the "off" button is very visible and close to the top, otherwise I'm frantically trying to find it and if I don't find it I panic and just run away and the whole internet explodes!

Vincent said...

Aaaarrgh... Don't ruin your nice blog with unasked music please.

Gledwood said...

OK I'm taking it off tomorrow!

Gledwood said...

if anyone DOES like it speak now or forever hold your peace!!!!

Rauf said...

The Pope is in a flight, scratching his holy head, playing some word game, turns and asks his aid
a four letter word ending with UNT which describes a woman
The aid says AUNT
oh! please give me an eraser fast.


a horse named Sharab ? Poor Lord Nelson.

Deb said...

I'm with the others on this one. Although I liked the song, it scared the living daylights out of me...thought I was going crazy! I tend to shy away from the blogs with music on them...just because it becomes so repetitive.

I was at the races yesterday...a really wet day that made for a sloppy track...longshots were coming in and one triactor paid nearly $7,000. I only won one race, but had a lot of fun.

I love tennis and a Federer/Nadal match is always something to see. Those numbers are the "sets" and it looks like that match was going back and forth between the two...wished I'd seen it!

Puss-in-Boots said...

Hi Gledwood, I rather like horseracing and of course, each year we have the Melbourne Cup where the whole country actually stops to watch that race. We have a luncheon at work, sweepstakes going around and the doctor insist on seeing no patients while the race is on. But then again, the patients don't want to miss the race either, so they're glued to the tv in the waiting room. That's Australia for you...sport mad nuts.

My brother was hooked on drugs too, and ended up with a drug induced psychosis. Although he is off the drugs now, he's not the same person he was before it all happened. But, he's a strong person and is doing his own thing and getting along quite well.

All the best to you, Gledwood. Pity about your Taliban looking "friend".

Jason said...

I look forward to reading more. I will need to catch up at an earlier hour sometime.

gledwood said...

OK thanks for the remarks folks. Madonna's going ...

Gledwood said...

blogs to feature

(1) writing: http://tonivlee.blogspot.com/

Gledwood said...

(2) Travel - Shanghai!

http://valinchina.blogspot.com/

Toni V. Lee said...

Thank for stopping by my blog. I'm glad you like it. Thanks for the url notation.

Have a great day.

Queenie said...

I can stand her in small ammounts.

Wendy Hawksley said...

Well, thank you for popping by. Interesting blog! I must say my genealogy blog is probably the most boring, except for the retirees I talk to every time I visit dark, old cemeteries...

sadgirl said...

Hi Gledwood

I am sorry about your life of addiction. I am out of my depth here. What to say except sorry and hope things improve? And ofcourse depression sucks so I hope you get rid of that too. In the end Gledwood, I salute you for trying!

lots of luck
sadgirl x

gledwood said...

Wendy: Surely geneology is not boring! Especially when it's one's own family one's researching ..?

Sadgirl: thanks for getting back in touch. You've been in my links for ages you know. You don't have to offer advice. Friendship is enough

Queenie: lotta ppl cannot stand her at all!!

Toni v Lee: who exactly are you though? I took down at least 2 urls today and often take down 4 or 5 in a day ... please give more details next time - fill out the little form below when you comment! Please!

Jason - your blog is quite "provocative" - makes me wanna comment

Puss - hope your brother's a BETTER person though, know what I mean? I wish they'd show Aussie races here. They probably do on Satellite TV but when the betting shop's closed. We get South Africa Turfontein but that's as exotic as it gets. Also Philadelphia in the evenings ...

Debs: surely it will be repeated somewhere on Canadian TV..?

Rauf: haha!!

Vincent & Nicole: DO NOT WORRY! SHE IS GONE!!!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood