HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Storms Approaching? Dying Pigeon

WEATHER OUTSIDE IS LOVELY. IN MY HEAD: storms approaching. I don't know. Very in-between. Had (drugs) clinic today which always puts me in a funny mood. Have to fill in two long-overdue forms also to do with money. Which I hate doing. And they ask for details to which (like most normal people) I simply do not know the answer. I hate doing stuff like that. But it has to be done.

It's a sunny day outside, and when the breeze blows, it is delightfully cool. London parades around in summer attire. Little Turkish boys run after footballs right by the main road. Sunshine gleams on wingmirrors, windows, doorhandles. Traffic passes in a daze. Even the local trains seem lazy, trundling to the station through a tunnel of deep-minty leaves. The overhanging trees have made a sunless cave where occasional birds fly in and out like bats.

ONE TRAGEDY: and I hate this stuff. Right on the floor of our nearest phonebox, on the pavement, cowering into the corner so as not to be seen but most remarkable as you don't normally see them there is a poor decrepit pigeon - an otherwise healthy pigeon - one leg sticking out at an agonizing angle, one wing strangely ruffled (perhaps broken). It was gazing on me, terrified, as I passed. I thought "Don't be scared of me. Be scared of the local kids with their fighting dogs ..." I don't know what to do. Having once called an animal rescue charity over a pigeon and being told, in so many words to go away ... (Even charity considers them vermin.) My two options are: leave poor bird where it is to die "naturally" (possibly by being kicked to death by local kids. And you have to see our local kids to believe that any group of young people can be so arrogant, boastful, loud and obnoxiously self-centred. Even Americans go home shaking their heads saying they can't believe what has happened to the youth of Britain (most specifically: to the urban youth of today's London) ... OR I can pick said pigeon up in newspaper and, assuming the place is open, place him down in a quiet glade under the trees in a sort of wildlife park where it is quiet. But where he might wait a long time to die, dodging nighttime foxes, stoats and neighbourhood cats on the ground in the pitch darkness. I don't know that the second option is at all kinder. From a human perspective it seems to be so. From a pigeon's point of view, I think the local wildlife are far more of a threat than we tall humans credit it to be. So maybe I'll do as most people do and do nothing at all. That feels best. Do nothing. Mediocrity and compromise. That's the way of the past. So that's the way forward. Good old human head-in-sand nature ...

Here's four very randomly different blogs I found in the last 24 hours.

First is Daily Squamer, an American High School Diary.
Second: The Wrath of Rachel - the journal of an international romance and a new life in Australia. A story that's still very much ongoing...
Third: Twinkkelstar. This is typical of South-East Asian schoolkids' blog-journals. The overall look. The lack of comments (but a message box instead). This one features some lovely kitch Japanesey-looking pixx...
And last but by no means least. I found Madonna's personal blog. The Bloggers' Choice Awards believe it's her. And (cynicism aside) I've no reason to believe it's not her. And it is a true blog because she accepts comments. (I'm sorry; but a blog without comments is merely a personal homepage.) If you don't believe it's her; see for yourself ...

So that's four things to click on if you're otherwise unengaged tonight!

I was going to post about free heroin and hoops of fire. That's what a local dealer thought I'd jump through to get it. No thanks. It's not five years ago and I'm old, exhausted and cynical. What changes day by day except the date?

I don't know. Oh,

duh duh


I really ...

... really I ...


... I really don't know.

But I'm not jumping hoops of fire. Not for anyone ...


O, & picture of the day... (click this if you click nothing else!) turkey chooks in a ring from Natasha's blog.


Does nobody smoke anymore?
Tragedy! I went out without a working lighter ...
Anyone would think I was asking for a light for a crack pipe -
And finally, 20 minutes later (albeit not constantly asking) I found one man at the same bus stop smoking - and I got my light



(today's random letters before they let me post)


O, & click this to see random household objects being microwaved.


Crushed by Ingsoc said...

Can sympathise, but not empathise on this, I'm afraid.

Certainly, I know that heroin is a whole different ball game to other so-called 'drugs'.

I wish you luck with your battle.

I have had an on-off romance with the Colombian stuff myself for years, which has done me no favours.

Gledwood said...

ooo dear! some people say that is worse. it's like chocolate and greed. chocolate inspires the greed. but the greed isn't there without the chocolate.

but heroin. doesn't matter where it is. you NEED IT

if i had been sick i would have gone to the moon to get that gear let me tell you


as i said "overleaf" ...

i just









RUTH said...

Oh dear I've just opened a bar of chocolate...never used to have a sweet tooth. I can't even give up Nicotine so can't imagine what it must be like to try and give up heroin. As for forms to get money!!!..****!!!

Gledwood said...

Ruth I was talking about nicotine in the clinic today... actually you smoke far more fags in a day than anyone could possibly take shots of the old "h" ... i was saying various stupid things inspire me to use... she said yes smokers have that prob with lighting up after a cornish pastie, with a drink, whatever ... the nicotine habit is v much routine-based (well I think so)

one way of breaking the routine e.g. is to stop drinking tea & coffee when you stop smoking drink mint tea instead. i used this method and stayed stopped for a year.

(I also used nicotine gum to cut the habit down. people who quit fags cold turkey are eejuts in my opinion when the help's out there...)

Queenie said...

Sorry Gled but I'm an eejut, what works for one remember!!!!!!

gledwood said...

queenie you're an eejut? massive, huge degrees of selfconfidence & selfdiscipline surely were involved. good on yer!

i'm still smoking now so without being too pentinent: who's the eejut now-??

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

hello old friend! so glad you stopped by today! our family is still fighting addictions too. sigh... number one son was out again two months ago, heroine too, all i can do is love him and try hard not to let my disease of co-dependence kick in. it's a hard road to hoe! stop by anytime, love to have you!

smiles, bee

Squamer said...

hey, thank you so much for the kind words. I hope that you find a way to get away from the heroin, but I know that it is hard. Even in my small high school I have seen what it does to people. It is terrible, but I think that you can make it through.

It's funny, because even the small towns have become infiltrated with drugs and other illegal activities, and our school isn't even in that bad of an area. That just goes to show how crappy America really is. But whatever, every place has it's ups and downs.

mellowlee said...

Hi Gled! I finally made it over to your place, but I'm so wiped out. This new job is kicking my butt! I checked out a few of those links, including the Madonna one. Very interesting. This is the most blogging I've done all week! Time for a nap before bedtime. See you again soon *waves*

Nicole said...

I was going to email about the stuff we're working on... and then I realised that I don't have your email address here at work. I'll mail from home tonight :)

Queenie said...

Glen, peace be with you today and always (its BlogBlast, Globe peace day today, incase you thought I'd gone weird)..

Gledwood said...

Empress: thanks for the support

Squamer: thank you. Your blog's a really interesting depiction of high school life. Not all flat & dull & full of nothing as so many tend to be ...

Glad you like it all, Mellowlee

I'll get in touch with you later, Nicole

Queenie: & peace to you. I was thinking of doing a peace post if I'm still in the right time frame ...

Satya said...

Hi G ! Nice to see your comment in my blog. Your blog is really nice with lot of philosophy in it that most of the time has bounced from my head. LOL ! I liked your music blog very much. Keep up the good work and be connected.

Gledwood said...

ok I'll stay connected


Gledwood said...

i mean i will stay in touch

you know what i mean



IVY said...

cant you take the pigeon in as a pet? maybe itd get along with your chinese russian switolandilnavianerman hamster.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for visited my blog and leave me a nice comment.
I like your blog and it has good feeling inside.
And I'm still smoking.

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood