HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Tiring Tale! :: Not the Weekend :: Squirrel's Satay

BEFORE I START LET ME ADD HERE :: I know it is not the weekend~!!! My brains have curdled. That is what exhaustion does to me. Remember I was talking about Brain Fog yesterday in "Part 3" ... that's what happens... cannot even remember what day it is... and no I am not stoned!

I SLEPT FOR NEARLY TWELVE HOURS last night from the sheer exhaustion
of a. running to and from clinic appointments; b. scrawling out various autobiographical pieces (one for the clinic; the other being daily posted here. Part 4 is due later today) and c. probably cfs traces. I don't know. What I do know is that exhaustion knocked me out cold from midnight until midday today. And I wasn't trying to "lie in". That was my sleep. In one solid chunk. Sleep can be wonderful but it's also a waste of time that you could be doing something better with ...

Still, in my spare moments, I am reading The Godfather by Mario Puzo. The novel is far better than the film. Published in 1969, the book tells with authority the ways and wherewithalls of a great mafia family. Each scene featuring the "Don" he takes apart, explaining through their actions how the characters honour and disrespect one another in ever so subtle ways. From reading this book I now see it is surely the source of many of the mafia cliches and stereotypes that have become standard in television, movies and popular fiction. The ever so reasonable politeness with the undertone of threat. All that stuff. I remember seeing some photos of the LA mafia bosses from the era of Marilyn Monroe and the Hollywood greats. These men looked truly frightening. They had filmed many of the great female movie stars of the day in extremely compromising situations and used the bargaining power this gave them to force these poor women to do any favour they demanded from then on. That particular rumour I do believe. Though with the technology of the day, surely cameras took film, which limited the shooting time. And made a loud whirring noise? I don't know.

Anyhow I digress. I promised to post up my story and will do. As I said, part four is due later. I've had to scribble it down on paper first as typing straight into Blogger is too confusing. There are too many contrary facts to recall and fit in the right places ...

By the way I've submitted my blog to a couple of sites that will publish scathing reviews of it. So once these come out I will entertain everybody by linking to them ...

OK better go; it's 1318 hrs and I've writing to do...

L8Rs

G

***

Sorry I've not been in touch with so many of you for so long, as I say I am knackered out, truly. Also I've gone through the past few days comments (procrastinating basically) saying hi to some people... of course I've left loads of other people out... I really ought to get my links properly sorted ... right I've got to run to the pharmacy now, phone the dreaded local council, wait on a freind (it is a friend as well, not a dealer) ... and pen today's fascinating instalment of my drugs hell saga!! haha!

Have a great weekend everyone ....


***

What is all this thing about "great weekend" ... see that's where exhaustion gets you... I don't even know what day it is anymore

serious business!

and no i am not stoned!!

***

WANNA SEE SOME FANTASTIC SATAY cooking on the Malay griddle? Come to Lone Grey Squirrel's blog ...

***

OK: 2351hrs. I'm about to tap in part 4.

MATRAN POPPED THE FRONT DOOR LOCK IN this evening. Came back shouting about toilet paper
(I assume that's what boomba-clot means? Boomba=bum. Clot=cloth in his hicksville argot.) Laundretta had done something terribly wrong in his eyes and two minutes later went running outside. Later on she was getting drunk on the stairs and holding her finger to her lips ("don't be heard talking to me"). How can she live with that monster?

24 comments:

Anonymous said...

After the Godfather, read Puzo's the Last Don. Awesome book!

Gledwood said...

I will do. He's a v good, if slightly strange, writer

zen wizard said...

It is easy to get obsessed with Fifties/early Sixties gangsters--James Elroy has practically made a career of it.

The Mafia is what I guess I would call a "high context culture," since the island of Sicily is in fact an island, and has been run over and persecuted since the time of Pompey. So it is not surprising that like Japan they have developed their own esoteric culture and codes.

Anytime you have somewhere that's an island, I have noticed two recurrent phenomena:

1) Everything is more expensive, and

2) They have their own dialect, at the very least, if not their own language.

Example: Jamaica. Technically they speak English, but when they are talking to each other, that ain't English!

An example closer to Sicily, though I have not been there, I would say is Ibiza.

Akelamalu said...

Sleep is a good medicine - you must have needed it!

I'll wish you a good weekend - tomorrow! :)

gledwood said...

Zen Wizard: Ah but we're an island here!
And yeah everything's more expensive than America, so I hear...
And the people speak funny...
So I s'pose you're right...

Akelamalu: haha! Thanxx!

gledwood said...

... and yeah Jamaican English can be pretty difficult to follow... tho I remember once several years ago picking up someone's courdless phone conversation on the downstairs tv set... they were speaking Jamaican next door and bc they weren't drug dealers trying to confound their white clients... actually we understood every word.. and this was 2 jamaicans speaking between London and Kingston!

Alexys Fairfield said...

Gledwood,
That's a great book. Many colorful characters. Hollywood has a tendency to bastardize books just to hear the cha-ching at the box office -- it never works because actors often rewrite their dialogue which has nothing to do with the story.

Enjoy reading and take care.

The Discovering Alcoholic said...

What do you mean you've submitted your blog for review? I am very curious.

But scathing reviews I think not. Yours is a real blog, old school, the good school. its about you, the real you, and doesn't waste time with namby pamby lists like "what I'm grateful for"! Now don't get me wrong, I too am grateful for many things, its just that these types of blogs don't make for the most interesting of reading.

Stay real Gledwood and remember, recovery beckons.

gledwood said...

Alexys: Bastardizing ... yeah... also films are so ridiculously short compared with novels... I think that is partly why good series like Lost are becoming more popular. Though I don't like lost. I used to like Desperate Housewives but haven't seen it for ages. Yeah, The Godfather rocks!

Discovering: yeah there are sites that will slag it off for you. I will give the urls later. Did u get the msg I left at yours? It never seemed to take at all then when I replied to one I think it got sent back to the person who had commented, not you. ho humnmmm... nn?!!?!?!?!
o!

gledwood said...

Recovery beckons... probably in rehab though. Not outside. I am sad to say. BC I really thought I could make it on my own before. I really did. Pretty much proved that is not possible .....

Audrey said...

I very often have the same problem with remembering what day it is Gledwood and have been known to sleep a good solid 12 hours around the clock,your body must have needed it.

Writing about the Mafia brought back memories of a trip to Italy and visiting Pomppei (excuse spelling just off a long shift) At the entrance sat all the ' old godfathers all dressed in black,sitting chatting, soaking up the sun, bit scary as I immediately made the association with the film...Im a bit of a wooos at the best of times..

Sharon said...

Thanks for stopping in.
Was thinking about you the other day when I posted a video. The post is called, That's the one I love.
You are surely in the fight of your life. Praying for you.

Odat said...

Great Book and just stopped by to say hey....so hey!!!
Peace

Naomi Joy said...

well I just finished getting up to date with your blog. Last time I read was part 1 of your addiction. Alot has been written since then. I am awaiting pt 4 impatiently. Your writing never ceases to amaze and interest me. It is so compelling and full of emotion and honesty. Never get it up it more than likely helps keep you sane. take care!

Rauf said...

Actually Valachi papers appeared first which exposed the mafia before 'Godfather' did. i am not too sure.

just hang on there Gled and please keep your appointments.

Anonymous said...

http://adultchitchat.blogspot.com

Kanoff said...

O Casamento do Sol

Dizem que em certo tempo desejou o Sol de se casar, e todas as gentes, agravadas disso, se foram queixar a Júpiter, dizendo: - Que no Estio trabalhosamente sofriam um Sol, que com seus raios os abrasava, donde inferiam e provavam, que se o Sol casasse e viesse a ter filhos, queimaria o mundo todo; porque um Sol faria Verão calmoso na Índia, outro em Grécia, outro na Noruega e terras setentrionais; pelo que sendo todas as três zonas tórridas, não teriam as gentes onde viver. Visto isto por Júpiter, mandou que não casasse.

(Esopo, Fábulas, vertidas do grego por Manuel Mendes)



www.spring-gold.blogspot.com

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

My weekend should be great.
Spending Friday out with my mate, and yes, we will party hard.

Sunday will be at the Blogpower Awards in Second Life, collecting my second prizes!

zen wizard said...

Okay, England is an island...

1) Where was the world's first $185 hamburger?

2) Where does an elected representative ask an old lady for "permission" to be Prime Minister, and then walk backwards out of the room?

So, you have "expensive" and "high context symbology" because it's an island.

In other words, in my theory, England is the Occidental Japan.

(Is Shakespeare that much less bizarre and incomprehensible than kabuki?)

Bimbimbie said...

Another book to try is Mafia Princess. Antoinette Giancana tells of her life inside a mafia family - her father was Sam Giancana, the Chicago successor to Al Capone. Gives insight into his connections with Frank Sinatra and the Kennedy family.


Hope you are getting some sleep or relaxation at the very least

kanoff said...

Portuguese/Brazilian bloke said:

The Marriage of the Sun They say that in certain time it desired the Sun of if marrying, and all the gentes, aggravated of this, if had been to complain Jupiter, saying: - That in the Estio laboriously they suffered a Sun, that with its rays abrasava them, donde inferred and proved, that if the Sun married and came to have children, would burn the world all; because a Sun would make calmoso Summer in India, another one in Greece, another one in the Norway and northern lands; for that being all the three torrid zones, would not have the gentes where to live. Visa this for Jupiter, ordered that it did not marry. (Esopo, Fábulas, shed of the Greek for Manuel Mendes)

The Discovering Alcoholic said...

I got your message. And for the record, I could not make it on the outside until I had some quiet time on the inside. Rehab will not cure you, but it sure makes it easier to think straight as an escape from the hell of the real world - while your body and mind adjust.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood