HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Nonfunky Plonk-Plonk

THE ORGAN I FOUND is a Yamaha PSV19. Whoever they employed to plunk in the preset tunes was a mediocre nonEnglishspeaking person who had little feeling for the music and none at all for the lyrics (which, of course we tend to sing kind of subliminally on top as the song plays on. Well I do ...) Their rendition of Jinglebells - potentially the funkiest of Xmas tunes - is beyond tacky. Yesterday and Silent Night aren't much better. Ave Maria's OK. But Yamaha's own-brand Hey Jude is simply beyond the pale. I left said synthesizer plunking away as I speak. My threats to torture the neighbours with these at top volume highest (or, if I really hated them slowest-tempo) renditions were merely jokes. Though I did have some rafter-shaking cyder-drunken fun with learning to make the device work yesterday ...

I was a fugitive from justice yet again last night. What has my subconscious mind been doing that I should be every night on the run in ancient castles (cue: Enid Blyton) and clutching a bottle of Baileys (where did that come from? Maybe in the dream I'd hoisted the booze from a shop without paying for it ?...)

Yesterday's rendition of stew I rated a disaster at the time. The baby potatoes that I thought wonderfully cute and chucked in just chopping in three - I put far too many of them in. The lamb cooked so thoroughly it fell to pieces just leaving bones behind. And my Rajah extra hot chili powder, one teaspoon of ... well yesterday night that seemed exclusively to have spiced my baby potatoes to a blistering degree ... I forced self to eat a bowlfull of little else but these. So by today a more appropriate and less potatoey concoction remained and the spicing was wonderful. So I don't know whether I'd truly done anything "wrong" bar not giving it time to "mull" ...

Five on Kirrin Island Again is now safely in the hands of the Turkish lady in my corner shop who specifically asked if I had anything she could borrow to help her English. I did explain it was for ten year-old kids in the 1940s but that I had read it two nights before so she's tackling it quite possibly as we speak. The lady on the other till, who appears "Chinese" is actually from Kyrgyzstan and reads mysterious Cyryllic-type newspapers from time to time. Turks and Kyrgyz can understand one another because the language is similar. Even the Brazilian girl who sometimes gives my cyder for free seems to understand their speech. They've got a pan-Turkic federation going on in there ....

Big Brother's cussing our screens yet again. So far I've lost merely an hour of my life to this strange schlock. It's their seventh summer series, I do believe (not counting "celebrity" special editions). So far the house is only full of women. Which is bound to fascinate the tabloid press.

However tasteless the depths the present series descends to (as it's surely bound to do) they can never exceed the sheer bad taste of Endemol (the show's global producers') latest Dutch offering which they're calling Big Donor. It's a reality show where three transplant patients compete on daily near-live television for a new kidney ... People across the world were up in arms (including me) until the whole thing was revealed as a TV hoax ...

Thanks for all your messages. I've met some great people in the last few days especially since I struck out in a deliberately Aussie direction ...

(As I said before. I've so many relations Down Under it always kind of bemused me that I never met any Aussies online ...)

Here's a link you might want to click on. It's at:

http://velharias-traquitanas2.blogspot.com/ and has some amazing desert photos. I mean really amazing. The text is in Portuguese but you know what they say about a picture and 1000 words ...

8 comments:

Nicole said...

Yeah, I was rather appalled at the donor show myself and am still unsure if it was any good, even as a hoax. Vincent said that 18,000 donor forms were downloaded since the show aired so I guess it has done some good. It just feel much too tasteless to me.

About the potatoes taking on most of the chilli: potatoes are a bit of a flavour sponge. If you ever cook a soup or such and it's too salty, the trick is to add a peeled whole potato and it sucks up some of the salt while cooking.

My friend Mary used to work for Endemol, she's a KLM flight attendant now, jetting all over the world.

RAFFI said...

i love those keyboards with music that sounds like the robot twiki from buck rogers (bidibidibidi). the big donor show was a big phoney-or show, but my conspiracy meter is going haywire thinking this may have been a cover-up or just a nice attention-seeking ploy... like jacko and lisa marie presley getting hitched... plllease.

gledwood said...

o dear

Wayward Son said...

A good stew cannot become a truly good stew until it's stewed a good bit. No? ;—)

There was a post state-side about "The Big Donor Show." It's an interesting blog to read in general. I would think you would quite like it. In fact, I'm not so certain I didn't come across it while link stalking after you! Just in case I haven't, here it is.

http://doctoranonymous.blogspot.com/2007/05/big-donor-show.html

Cheers, WS

Liz said...

Curry usually tastes better the day after, when it's had time to - oh, I wish my brain would work - rest/absorb flavour/mature - isn't there one word for that?

gledwood said...

"mull" was the word I'd use, Liz

mull ... that's right, innit?

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood