HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Visceral

THAT'S MY FEAR: cutting into me like scissors snagging my soul. I was thinking earlier. I get told - frequently - that I think too much. Those who say that are wrong. I think when I'm told to think. I think when I'm writing. I don't think when I don't have to. Not about what's important. And I thought just now ... if I go through all that clean thing - I WILL LOSE MY MIND.

Already during detoxes last two times I seemed to spend half my stay in the counselling room. Crying. Being put on antidepressants. Blah-dee-blah etcetera. Everyone says they feel the same as me in there. But they don't. Because if they did THEY WOULD BE CRYING TOO. THEY WOULD BE IN THE COUNSELLING ROOM. But they're not. Which pretty much speaks for itself. THEY DO NOT FEEL THE SAME AS ME. And what are my problems with feelings? That usually I do not feel them. And the thoughts associated with such feelings. They have gone UNTHOUGHT for far too long.

THINK TOO MUCH? Maybe I do - but most definitely about the wrong things.

But I felt that fear "viscerally" - fantasized of feeling it. And realized. There is only one way of handling fear. Providing it is standing in the way of something worthwhile you must face up to it. That is the only thing you can do. Only thing I have done all my life to fear. Face it. Because then you defeat it. If you can laugh fear down: well, then; metaphorically (sometimes literally) you are laughing !

But then the more familiar feeling swept over me and stayed, snagged across my soul where those scissors cut me. It's like cheap knitting wool and it's bundled my heart in unfathomable knots. Depression. Sinking. Deep. Derealizing. Depression. The Demon of my life. That is so much harder to face than fear because it does another D to everything: DEVALUES it. And you are what you feel. So if you feel you are and everything else is Devalued than Devalued it's become. Whether you try and think round the fact or not. Facts remain. You are what you feel. You feel what you think.

Why are all my circles so vicious?

Better leave it there: said what happened to me just now. Still I feel put down. But fear is losing out. The more I think about rehab and the more scared I become the more ready I accept I am to go there. So fear: you are fighting a losing battle. You may as well give in now. But I know you won't. You'll always be lurking. Nearby. Trying to drive me crazy.

These are feelings. Opiate addicts are expert at avoiding experiencing feelings of any kind. That is what the addiction's all about.

I was surprised when I switched to Subutex (buprenorphine) that my demons did not come accost me all at once the moment I was "clean" (Subutex clean: you're still addicted to that but it's reversed half the heroin-habit. It's an agonist-antagonist to the opiate receptors in the brain. So the addiction is kind of thrown so totally off kilter that the minute you switch onto this stuff you feel clean and cured. Amazing.

But I cannot go on Subutex until I'm down to about 30mg methadone. Which is a long way to go. If and when I do go to inpatient detox I want to switch to Subutex once I am at 30mg. It will make the process of finally coming off so much simpler. In fact, I won't accept any detox that won't do it that way. It's my way or the highway.

I know it's going to be messy with my feelings. This will be the last time I ever try and stop, so if it fails that's me for life. I can feel already how horrible it's going to be. How messy.

Feelings are just feelings. I can't say they can't hurt you though. Feelings are pain - mentally.

(I WAS BEING SARCASTIC/IRONIC WHEN I WROTE THE ABOVE PARAGRAPH. OF COURSE FEELINGS CAN HURT YOU. PAIN IS A FEELING!)

And here I must wind up. I leave myself ... drifting along the way ... and I'll leave you with this thought:

Feelings! Who'd have them, eh?

42 comments:

Rauf said...

First priority is fight. fight fight. one two three. You have the strength and courage to fight.

Squamer said...

I guess that i could say i have felt this way before, and am somewhat feeling this way now, but as you said, I am not crying, nor am i sitting in the counsel room, nor am i addicted to opiates. But i feel your pain, and i hope you get better.

I learned alot from your blog today, and it made me not so worked up about my upcoming report card. I realized that there is no way around it, so i just have to face it and deal with whatever happens to me.

Thanks. You made a differnce in someone's life today, and it just took a whole lot of weight off my shoulders. Thanks again friend.

IVY said...

You will feel better..
For some reason I think junkies sometimes have a hard time with summers. I know I do. But try and do something to get you out of whatever ruts you may fall into, and try to get into a good rut, as awkward as it might feel at first.

Gledwood said...

note to self: http://www.freelydave.net/
fantastic chinese blog
true depiction of life at the other end of the earth ...
(Middle Earth, literally, by the Chinese character ...)

Gledwood said...

Rauf: you're right I know ... I don't always WANT to fight, still I know you are right

Squamer: do not get addicted to opiates. It just adds this immense problem to everything eles going on in life. Though actually it also kind of beats everything else into submission! Don't worry about report cards and stuff. Seriously teachers make out all this stuff is life or death. They are just winding you up. I'm serious! It's not like you NEED any extra stress but how they love piling it on!

Ivy: summer does not agree with me at all, you're right. I get all amphibiously sweaty and everything. Like an axoxloxl out of water. Or something

Wayward Son said...

Firstly, thought is how life is perpetuated. For anyone to say you think too much is to say you live to much. Period.

Secondly, this will NOT be the last time you try. All of life is in the trying. If you succeed this time in beating your addiction you will go on to triumph over something else. If you triumph over all of your problems there will be the problems of others and then the problems of the world. After that, you can stop trying. But that is so far out of the moment it's pretty pointless to ponder such a situation.

And if you don't succeed this time, you will try again. Trying is the single thing we humans do best so why resist it.

I am impressed that you have a plan that seems to be an informed one. That's better than most. And of course it is your way or the high way. Would any of us have it any other way? It is the "cost of entry" as they say in marketing. It is highly unlikely, no, impossible for anyone to find success in something they do not believe in. Even if it is all a sham, one has to believe the sham will work. Otherwise it won't.


WS

Wayward Son said...

BTW... Visceral is one of my most favorites words. I had that old blog called Life Sliced Thin: Tales from the more visceral side of life. Love the title. Hated my stories.

I.S.Formación Docente N°142 - S.A. de Giles said...

You are very amiable. Thanks to visit our blog.Esperamos that we continue interchanging cibernèticas visits. Very amused your commentary. Excellent your blog!
Patricia

taya said...

Subutex works wonders for withdrawls, for me at least, only problem is if you ever want to get high again youre screwed unless you give it a couple of days, although, if youre trying to quit i guess thats the point. Im on year six now, so best of luck to you. Its hard but you can do it. Just dont give up.

Anonymous said...

Can you post a picture of yourself? I want to put a face to the infamous name ive been reading for months.

Merle said...

Hi Gledwood ~~ I enjoyed reading your post and feel I am getting to know you better. I hope you will always be able to think and to fight to beat this addiction. Good luck for your success. Thanks for your comments, glad you enjoyed my post. I realize some places are MUCH colder than we are in Winter, but we get so much hotter in Summer, we feel the cold.
Take care, Regards, Merle.

Liz said...

This time you will have the support of many friends you are making out here in the blogosphere, bloggers who will be wanting you to win this battle. And it will be a battle you know that.

There are lots of us out here who are reading your words and willing you on.

I don't know how you feel about God but he loves you more than you can imagine and he is cheering you on.

Puss-in-Boots said...

Gleds, for what it's worth, I feel for you. Somehow, I think under the depression and devaluing demons you have to fight, there is a stronger Gledwood trying to reach out. Whatever...best of luck with your detox...you have friends here who wish you well.

Edyta said...

think too much? u have said it! especially during sleepless nights : thoughts tend to be CRAZY, disturbing etc. ewwww!
thanx for stopping by at my place, btw, how have u been doin?

Audrey said...

I remember that fear Gledwood, and after 3years in a counselling situation..off and on, harrowing at times, yet slowly enlightening, unfolding,me understanding me...I have to say thats what I did, I lost my mind, the best thing that could have happened to me in all honesty.

In my case I was scared of my own feelings so rather than feel them depression was a devaluing,yet safe place for me to be, part of the problem was not being able to name my feelings,something we all need to learn as children yet not always possible for many reasons, that was were I started..

Re feelings I got to a stage where I realised fear is fear, joy is joy,feelings can be the same they just vary in degrees to the depth and heights that we feel them as individuals, and the degree we are in touch with them as genuine to the present moment. Perhaps the difference between you and the others sat outside the counselling room is that you have the courage to explore, experience and express those feelings..thats powerful Gledwood,not always pleasant or comfortable, but powerful..it took some time for me to see that and acknowledge the small shifts in thoughts and feelings it brought.

Your honesty and openess is powerful too x much respect Auds

Audrey said...

P.S just thought I would add, it wasnt so much a loss of mind that I experienced, more an updating of the archives, a spring clean, a challenging of my way of thinking and a learning of a new way that was long over due but had been waiting patiently for me to act, the difference is I remember the old way, the mind that used to be me, but its defunct and serves no useful purpose anymore..Does that make sense or am I rambling x

Steve G said...

Gledwood, it's a tought long haul, but you will get there eventually...if you want to. Good luck.

Annelisa said...

So you can read what is on freelydave.net in english, this is the translation page.

I know I'm not sitting in a councelling room, crying, though it's not going to be so long before I feel that's where I want to be (long story, you'd have to visit my Baring it All blog and read what's going on in the background of my life to understand), but I also know that anyone who can feel that way has a lot to give, and should be in a place to receive as well.

Please accept our good wishes and hopes that you succeed this time, but also the strength to keep on succeeding (it's not the stopping that's so hard... I'm sure you'll do that... it's the staying stopped. But just keep reminding yourself of your reasons. Only you know all of them, and what they mean to you)

I won't say 'good luck' because it's not luck you need. It's hope.

Well, I hope for you all the very best- strength, perseverence, humour, thoughts and love, and the ability to ward off your demons.

Heart Of Darkness said...

Don't worry, I've been accused of thinking too much, and not feeling enough all my life. Yet, people I say I'm overly emotional... however that fits together! :)

Nice blog

thejunkyswife said...

I had to keep reminding my husband while he was detoxing that the only way through it was, well, through it. There's LIFE on the other side, great big robust life with trees and flowers blooming and love and sex and sweat...there's good feelings on the other side of it. It's better here...

Talking to his mother, who is also an opiate addict, she has talked about how she sometimes thinks she pays TOO MUCH attention to her feelings, and hence the "need" to squelch them with pills and booze and anything. A bad feeling for my mother-in-law or my husband is consuming. If they are sick or depressed or upset or angry, it clouds the whole world and makes everything bad and wrong. It's sometimes like my husband doesn't recognize that things get better, life goes on...

Reading your blog is good and bad for me, I think...it gives me a window into his mind...thank you for that. Curse you for that. But mostly, thank you.

Gledwood said...

Wayward: "this will NOT be the last time you try. All of life is in the trying. If you succeed this time in beating your addiction you will go on to triumph over something else. If you triumph over all of your problems there will be the problems of others and then the problems of the world. After that, you can stop trying." You're right. But this has been the only thing I've gone all lilly-livered in the fight over. Seriously

Gledwood said...

To:
I.S.Formación Docente N°142 - S.A. de Giles

- buenas dias/gracias!!

Cannot find the upside down exclamation mark: sorry...

Gledwood said...

Taya: thanks for the encouragement

Anon: I don't even know HOW to post a picture. I started blogging anonymously and thtat's how it has to stay until the end. Which may come sooner than you think!

Merle: Wherever you live in the world your body supposedly adjusts local climate extremes as your own "hot" and "cold" ... ie why my uncle from Sydney came to Britain in August - high summer - swathed in sweaters!!

Gledwood said...

Liz: I do feel the support and thanks to everyone!

Puss: I used to be strong and yet I didn't know it. Wish I could get my inner strength back

Edyta: I'm OK. Not thinking too much!!

Steve G: you said it - if I WANT it - that's the matter's crux

Gledwood said...

Annelisa: I'm going to look that up presently

Heart of Darkness: "Don't worry, I've been accused of thinking too much, and not feeling enough all my life. Yet, people I say I'm overly emotional... however that fits together! :)"--- Wow so I'm not the only one in the world ..!

TheJunkysWife: "A bad feeling for my mother-in-law or my husband is consuming. If they are sick or depressed or upset or angry, it clouds the whole world and makes everything bad and wrong. It's sometimes like my husband doesn't recognize that things get better, life goes on..." - that is an interesting point you made there. I've heard it said more than once that junkies get trapped at whatever age they started using at and hence are perpetual teenagers (a lot of them) - hence all that emotional immaturity (!!) I don't know what you think about that

Anonymous said...

is the dope in london better than the dope in california? i wonder...

fsamuell said...

Glad you visited my blog petsissues, and your favorite pet.
Hang in there I liked your stew recipe. thanks for stopping.

Gledwood said...

Anon: I've heard "traditionally" British and European heroin has been stronger whereas American cocaine (again, nearer the source) is usually better. I'm interested if anyone else has more facts on present day purity levels. Most of the stuff posted online seems to be at least a decade out of date!

Gledwood said...

FSamuell - glad u liked the stew - try it out yourself. I forgot to mention the last time MUSHROOMS!

Left another few messages on your sites

Naomi Joy said...

wow as I read this blog I had many thoughts and feelings. I have been running from many problems for awhile now. I had cut off all emotions and wouldn't think or feel about certain things. After recent events and reading this post I am beginning to fight. It is the only way to do it. Eventually everything catches up and consumes you. And yes my problems are nothing like yours but none the less this helped. Thanks.

And I have a question for you. What do you think of methadone? The reason I asked this is because my uncle was making and supplying it to detox centers. However the college of pharmacy told him to stop and he wouldn't because he felt he was doing something good. Anyway one of the nurses at the center overdosed a patient and he died. It all came back to my uncle and he was held responsible for everything. They told him what he was doing was illegal etc. He became involved in alot of legal issues and court cases. He was under way too much pressure and ended up having a heart attack at a young young age. At his funeral all the addicts were there. they loved him to pieces. Now my aunt is dealing with all the legal stuff on her own and they won't leave her be. From your perspective I would just like to know what you think of this and methadone and all? I feel my uncle was right in what he was doing and it was helpful.

Gledwood said...

He was right in what he was doing but there are better things you can give than methadone. Dihydrocodeine is better in my opinion. Only downside is that methadone can be administered twice in a day (or once if they insist) where as dihydrocodeine must be given every 4 hours. But it's shorter acting and clears from the system faster.
What country are you talking about?
Methadone illegal??!
How draconian.
Wherever it is, remind me not to go there! (Unless to campaign for a change in laws)
Man!

Michael Parsons said...

My vice is smoking. I was able to quit with ease, but not so much any more.
Some times you just got to sweat it out and have an end point.

Thanks for you comment on my rather superficial blog.!!

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

I wish you much luck with this very difficult journey...Thanks for your visit and your comments about those dear birds...And just so you know....That picture was taken a VERY long time ago...so long ago that you weren't even born yet. I haven't smoked for 37 years....And I am about to have my 76th Birthday.....
Again, I wish you the very best---and I understand about feelings...They are who we really are and so therefor important and getting them out is extremely important, too, though extremely painful, I know....But the rewards are worth it---if you can do it, amd if you cannot, well, so be it.

Gledwood said...

Michael P: you know what they say about nicotine - harder to give up than heroin. But I still think that's something trotted out to make ciggie smokers feel better!

Oldold Lady of the Hills: Thanks for getting back. Good on yer for stopping smoking! It causes more damage than heroin addiction (how many junkies get lung cancer from their habit) ... I still think that's a pretty cool shot you put up! As I kind of implied - I'm not even going to TRY this time unless I can give it my very best shot. Which is why I'm not even saying there will be a "this" time

Sarah said...

oh yes, the not feeling of feelings. I survived on that for a long time until I couldn't bear it. What an unpleasant surprise when they all started popping out. I still really don't like feeling them, at all. I'd rather not most of the time.

Naomi Joy said...

i'm from canada lol. And methadone isn't exactly illegal I guess it was just the way he was going about it. I couldn't take the time to explain all the details is all. Basically it was a political power thing that caused the problem. The college of pharmacy (which is very powerful over all pharmacies in Ontario) told him they didn't want him making methadone. He felt what he was doing was right so he went to the provincial government and got permission to make it. The college of pharmacy got pissed off and threatened to close his store if he didn't stop. (i guess they have this power) apparently he was delivering it to the clinic and he wasn't allowed to. he was supposed to administer it directly to the addicts so when the guy was overdosed he got blamed and sued. The gvrnm't had told him he could have it delivered but the college wouldn't listen. ya thats how it all went down plus another million details. Needless to say the law has been changed now and it is now allowed to be delivered to clinics for distribution. In my opinion the college of pharmacy were just being a bunch of asses cuz they didn't want him making money off of it and he had a previous personal problem with the chairman or something.

Gledwood said...

o!

that is fascinating

Gledwood said...

...& terrible

thejunkyswife said...

You know, reading about the possibility of you going to rehab just made me a little stupidly excited. A few nights ago, a woman who comes to my Nar-Anon meetings told us that she'd seen her son in the NA meeting in the adjacent room, and she was very excited he'd decided to show up. I am investing WAY TOO MUCH energy in everyone getting sober...but I though you'd like to know that the possibility of you getting clean made a junky's wife smile hugely for a few minutes.

Gledwood said...

Junky's Wife: it's such a long story but it's gotta start sometime and somewhere, know what I mean ..? Glad I cheered at least one person's day ...

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

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Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood