HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, June 08, 2007

Hyper-real or Unreal?

SULTRY AFTERNOON. I hear voices in the background, they're putting me on edge. I don't like workmen in my house. Dislike the banging, the tramping of white dust up the stairs. The insistence on leaving the front door wide open as if my home has to become public space all the while they're here...

Friends took me back to their place this afternoon which was nice. Yet I still did not feel centred. As if somehow I'd have been better off somewhere else. The only somewhere that does tend to make any difference is home. Home is where the heart is. Home is hair down. An Englishman's home is his castle...

... But my home is a bog-standard late Victorian terrace. Same as terrace upon terrace as far as the mind can conceive. Unremarkable in any way (apart from the remarkable people who live here). A castle it is most certainly not!

Strange contradiction: I hate the world and yet I got connected and feel better for that. Now I'm a householder in the Global Village - online. I started a blog because I felt if I had anything to say the whole world might as well hear it. And over weeks a nest of connexions has slowly grown. How things have opened out for me since then!

On reflection there is no contradiction. That's because the internet is not part of the real world, though the real world features on it, impinges into it. And those one billion citizens of cyberspace are real people eating food to stay alive and living lives. Then again, for the most part, they are not the same individuals, rounded and real, who populate the Outside World. Many of the inhabitants of chatrooms, blogs, messaging services, Youtube clips and the other parts of cyberville are merely self-constructed personas. When this is taken to the extreme (as in games such as Second Life) and an entire alter-ego complete with fresh face and idealized body is created and lived in we call it an "avatar". Which name originally signified an incarnation of a Hindu god. Krishna, for instance, is an avatar of Vishnu.... But while we interact with these alter-egos and avatars we're aware - at times acutely - that nodody is seeing anything that isn't chosen to be revealed. Some hone their image and polish it as intently as any Hollywood celebrity.

Which begs the question: whatever happened to keeping it real?

But then again let's face it, to many of us reality is just like a prescription drug and can only be tolerated in strictly limited doses.

And there I end my rant before I send you to sleep. Then you would start dreaming. Who knows, you might even dream of me..? What a nightmare that would be!

***

Talking of dreams, I did indeed dream of someone I know from online. It was Raymi the blogging "Minx". Raymi is my alter-ego blogging different life cyber-friend. If you don't know Raymi, she's what they call a "bloggerebrity". (Click for picture.) Been keeping worldwide web-logs for over seven years. Over which time she's acquired a cult following. Now I find myself sucked into that surreal cult... And I dreamed her photograph from her blog. In the dream the Raymi of the photo came to life. She winked at me and smiled. And yet this moment of alternate life-meets real-life crossover (in a dream) faded when the real world impinged. The Raymi of the dream had just been about to tell me something when some real person's desire to speak over-ruled that. Phone ringing woke me up. Gaah! How come everybody loves me when I don't want to get out of bed.

OK, back to worldwide web things, here's some background to the dream. My grasp of North American geography is pretty poor and Canadian - worse than that. I know there are two main centres of population which are Vancouver, on the Western seaboard, then there are various blobs on the Eastern side somewhere above New York. But I'd not congregated together in my mind the facts to explain how Montreal appeared to be directly to the North - where most folks speak French. And yet somehow Toronto was also on the water yet couldn't be to the North. So where was it?

Basically I'd not realized that Toronto is not by the sea at all, but on the Great Lakes. And that's where Lake Ontario comes in. I found a map that explains everything beautifully. Click here if you want to see it.

Yesterday evening she posted some photos of a waterfront gathering presumably in her hometown of Toronto. I posed the following deliberately dumb query and bat-and ball action ensued:

is that water lake ontario?
Gledwood | Homepage | 06.07.07 - 2:16 pm | #

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what do you think toronto is in ontario, right?
raymi | Homepage | 06.07.07 - 2:21 pm | #

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yeah but that doesn't mean the lake should be named after the state does it? i've never been within 3000 miles of the place!
Gledwood | Homepage | 06.07.07 - 2:31 pm | #

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canada has provinces and territories, NO STATES!
raymi | Homepage | 06.07.07 - 2:32 pm | #

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only altered states of conscious tho, i bet
Gledwood | Homepage | 06.07.07 - 2:49 pm | #

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oh my god Gledwood, you're a retard. no wonder you're american. why are you so sheltered? go look at an atlas. quit being a trashy, bible thumping, flag waving dickshit.
Ether Bunny | 06.07.07 - 4:02 pm | #

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or british
Ether Bunny | 06.07.07 - 4:04 pm | #

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thumping, bumping
Ether Bunny | 06.07.07 - 4:05 pm | #

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wherever you are in the world, you suck.
Ether Bunny | 06.07.07 - 4:05 pm | #

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I didn't know what that body of water was. I might have asked...sheesh, KILL THE GUY!
Wendy | Homepage | 06.07.07 - 4:20 pm | #

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At leat he figured it out in the end.

Leafs Fan | Homepage | 06.07.07 - 4:51 pm | #

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Ether: 1. I got the place spot on first time - so how am I a retard? 2. as I said in my 2nd comment I've not been within 3000 miles of Toronto - where in America would I be from (except Hawaii)? and 3. "or British"? That doesn't make sense. 4. so I suck, do I? Nice to know you're from such an open-minded people
Gledwood | Homepage | 06.07.07 - 5:43 pm | #

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ether bunny, apologize.
raymi | Homepage | 06.07.07 - 6:07 pm | #

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just like to say, ether bunny will for sure for sure NOT apologize. especially if told to.
internets | 06.08.07 - 12:51 am | #

Which made for strange tendril-tied serendipitosity because only that afternoon I'd asked someone (coincidentally it was Raymi's blogging Mum (click for picture)) why she only accepted comments from logged-on members of Blogger. She replied:

I did allow for anon comments when I first started out
but then I found out the hard way that there are blog bullies out there who love to tear individuals apart, they thrive on it and then don't want to leave a name which is so cowardly. So most bloggers moderate anon comments,
always a few bad apples looking for negative attention.


And I wondered to myself that (specially considering how people might take exception to who I am and what I write) I've had hardly any negative comments and certainly nothing I'd want to delete. Then all of a sudden I was being vociferously slagged off online and I suddenly realized how it felt to be the object of blind (and ignorant) cyber-fury. So I consider myself educated now. I've taken a peek at the grotty underbelly of the blogosphere and I did not like it!

***

Righty-ho. On a lighter note, Ruth's passed on to me a site called Cooking by Numbers where you tick various items you might have and be willing to use and it comes back with a recipe that includes them. How cool is that?

By the way: here's a contrast.
Olive, the World's Oldest Blogger
and
Afonso Cardoso, (featured yesterday, from Portugual) but quite possibly the World's Youngest ...

***

Right I'm knackered now. Seem to have spent over an hour jiggling bits of text from here to there, superimposing comments, finding photographs that do have urls in haystacks full of photos that don't and basically linking all those purple words you saw before you above ... my mind is spinning like a singing top and I need a can of cyder or a lie-down.

Take care everyone and have a wonderful weekend!

22 comments:

Annelisa said...

Hey Gledwood

I had to laugh... First you stop by on my blog (for the third time) and say ehm... haven't I been here before (again), and now you've just done it to Mimi

Maybe you could have some sort of ongoing record of all blogs you visit, and they light up if you've been there before? :-D

Anyway, it's good to see you round the place... I'll see you next time you stumble past :-)

Take care til then

Gledwood said...

Do you know where this comes from? That damn Random Blog Button! I go hop hop hop on it. Anything interesting I leave my name my url also & see if they get back to me. THAT would be why!!

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Hi, Gledwood.
I agree with you, I think, on reality - or unreality in cyberspace. We think we "know" people out here but we don't, because you can completely reinvent yourself online. And, as you say, second life and all that takes it to extremes. I've enough trouble with my first life, myself! But, hey, it happens in the "real " world, too: I thought myself a wise lady till I was taken in by a conman and you feel so stupid! But I do wonder if a lot of crime happens because the perpetrators don't think it's "real".. anyway, this is one of my hobby horses so I'll go now before I rant. Buon weekend, Gledwood!

Amazing Gracie said...

Hello!
You made many valid points about "reality." I don't know how to be anything but real. I am guileless and it rears up to bite me, but I don't want to be anyone but who I am, even if at times I don't like her!
I'm sorry you were attacked by pinheads about something so insignificant as geography! I quit making the rounds of several political blogs because instead of arguing a fact or point, people get ugly and attack you personally. Who needs that??? I don't have the time to waste. I'd rather visit people who have something to share...
Hang in with the remodel - do I understand how you're feeling!!!
~~~Blessings~~~

Wayward Son said...

Hi Gleds, I have a few thoughts on the science of "keeping it real."

If you think people do not manufacture personalities in face to face encounters you are mistaken (note I said mistaken and not wrong—no judgments here). Everyone, including you and I, want external audiences to perceive us in vaguely specific ways depending on what the agenda is. Be it good or be it not so good, there is always an agenda. The most important perception of ourselves is the internal one as that is the most influential.

We are all multi-dimensional (more than three) beings who are influenced or are influencing a gazillion things at any given moment in time. Any given moment in time can only be experienced in the three dimensional physical plane in which we live. Therefore, no one can reveal their entire dimensionality or real self, all at once. The only time our complete selves are revealed is when a relationship, whether it be virtual or in-the-flesh, has been maintained over a length of time. Thusly, the strongest bonds of any relationship are formed over time and when a variety of conflicts have been survived—conflicts that occur because of clashing personalities being revealed at, again, any given moment.

The fact that we create personalities around ourselves is only an extension of life. We mostly do the best we can given the circumstances we are operating in. Some do better than others but all-in-all we do what we think is best given our situation AND in a given moment of time. Once that moment is gone, we may feel differently and present a different self to the world. That is why a buffer of time between thought and action is generally a good thing.

This buffer of time seems somewhat lacking in the reactionary events of the world at present. This buffer of time also seems a bit too extended at times as well—a combination of too much action and too much inaction. Regardless, over time the "real" selves of people are ultimately revealed.

BTW, Canadians are generally VERY sensitive to some things. As they are also generally outstanding citizens of the world, it is generally easy to forgive them these strong sensitivities. I always say, if one must generalize, one must do so broadly. :–)

WS

jmb said...

Well Gledwood, not all Canadians are like that. Well maybe she wasn't a Canadian, now I think about it.
Well I'm impressed by all the links, it took me a while to learn it and I know it's a lot of work.
Isn't Olive cute, although she doesn't really blog. Those Australians are tough old birds, I'm one too!

Squamer said...

yes, american high school is an incredibly arduous experience, and I find it absolutely dascinating that you dont get things like cheerleaders and jocks etc.. It's not as bad here as Hollywood movies would make you think, but it's bad. I try not to get caught up in it though, I have been lucky enough to come across a group of friends that dont need to be a part of that.

I have a question: is "A Bear's Tail" on BBC four any good? I have seen clips of it on youtube but havent seen full episode.

WOW said...

First of all thank you to visit my blog, I returned to the voice mail. Now, I went back to visit us your blog, when I came here when good feeling. Although my English is not good, but I still relatively View English blog. Well, bless you!

Merle said...

Hi Gledwood ~~ Thank you for your comments on my post and like you I like stories with a twist in the tale. I went to read The Necklace,
by Guy Maupassant and enjoyed the story. I had not seen it before.
Take care, Enjoy tour weekend.
Regards, merle.

Edyta said...

Hey!
I mist confess whilst reading this, i felt u had a good mood. Joyous day it is!
Peculiar dreams u had :D i wonder if i ever dreamt of an online friend... hmmm maybe i have but i dont remember at at moment.
oh & i agree abt the anonymous comments thing... why r ppl afraid to give their signature above or below their own opinion? bleh...

oh & abt modelling :D haha, u want me to say good bye to FOOD? all that awesome wonderful FOOD? Those yummie tasty cooking posts? NOOOOOOOO! LOL!
I mean to become a model i have to be half size as i am. No food? But i LUV IT! hehe :D

gledwood said...

Just reread Annelisa's comment: "I'll see you next time you stumble past :-)" - v perceptive! How did you know I'm stumbling? Is it quite that obvious??

Edyta you wouldn't have to give up food to be a supermodel. You are thin enough already. OK then be a Hollywood movie star instead. I know you can act, the proof's still on my Random blog

Merle: that Maupassant story The Necklace is brilliant, isn't it?

Wow: you know you can read my blog in your own language: go to the Babelfish sign in the right sidebar under the 3 adverts. Click on the Chinese flag. Instantly the whole blog transforms into Chinese! I couldn't believe it the first time I tried it out (I happened to pick Korean. Wow!!)

Squamer: I've not seen a Bear's Tale I'm afraid. Haven't watched any television for over a week!

JMB: I suspect the "Ether Bunny" WAS Canadian because I tried to trace the hit by matching the time of the comment with who had been on my blog near then and Toronto Canada came up ... but generalizing anything to do with where people are from is rather ridiculous anyhow!!

Wayward: you're quite right, people do put on false faces in reality. I suppose what I was saying was that in cyberspace they are blatantly false - ie quite often the opposite sex and everything!!

Gracie: I agree. If anyone went too nuts at me in comments here I'd just switch on moderation which I think would be a shame

Welshcakes: yeah you're right. Some people are experts at being phony. What a shame they don't put the talent to better use on the stage perhaps.

Edyta: you are not phony though. You should just be an actress for the sheer money, fame and glamour

gledwood said...

o no! look what my google listing says about me now:

Gledwood Vol 2oh my god Gledwood, you're a retard. no wonder you're american. why are you so sheltered? go look at an atlas. quit being a trashy, bible thumping, ...
gledwood2.blogspot.com/ - 9 Jun 2007 - Similar pages

Deb said...

I had a "cyber fight" with someone once and, conincidentally, they've ended up as one of my best cyber friends. Strange. But I know how that feels and it doesn't feel nice at all.

The first half of your post I really connected with.

Oh and Ruth's recipe blog sounds like something interesting...I'm going to check it out now.

Edyta said...

Oh Gleds, don't pay attention to critisism as long as it doesnt go from a good place & decently said. That's just plain crap.
I get a looot of critisism everyday. Sometimes it's jealousy, sometimes its hatred. I wish ppl didnt know how to be jealous. I think it's a disease. Espesh girls tend to be jealous. WHATEVER FOR? okay, i am not an angel or something but i can clearly say: i havent been envious. i mean this BLACK envy. Sometimes i envy ppl in a good way, i mean i am being happy that they have purchesed or found something fancy :) but ENVY? NOOOOO!

abt being an actress. LOL. i think u overrated me :) there r kazillions girls like me with greater talents & better looks waiting for their opportunity :) i hope there will be more talented ppl on stage & on the silver screen. cuz some ppl.. wtf? how did u even get there??? LOL!
oh & btw, if u have the youngest & oldest blogger then I AM THE DUMBEST!!! weeeee! i gots me a prize! LOL.

gledwood said...

the recipe blog is really something different

Edyta - look at what's out there. Lots of mediocrity makes it to the top....

Anyway if you don't wanna be an actress be a supermodel then. You don't need to act except in split-second bits (in Japan the call a model a magazine actress)

Kahshe Cottager said...

I see you dropped in for a visit to see the chickadee! They are the cheeriest little birds especially in the winter I think.

I am a little surprised that you would be criticized for verifying the location of Toronto. One of the very nicest things about blogging for me is visiting new places and learning more from the people who live there. I sure hope you don't form a negative impression about Canadians or Torontonians from that posting!!

Gledwood said...

I love tame birds. When I was a kid I used to wonder why they always flew away the minute they caught sight of me. I wasn't going to harm them. In fact the idea of "catching" them only came to mind BECAUSE they flew to vigorously away!

Steve G said...

Gledwood, enjoy your weekend.

Liz said...

I'm about to write something on my blog about online security (sort of). But I'm sorry you had that unpleasant experience. What is it with some people I wonder?

My knowledge of geography is shocking. I have no idea where anything is.

gledwood said...

Liz: When I was little I had an atlas. Also I think I have a good memory for maps. So I DID know where things were... then the Iron Curtain came down, I went 20 years without an atlas in the house, all these countries popped up with names like Slovenia and Moldova... I hate to admit but I've hardly a clue where any of these places are now ...

Steve: weekend's going ok ta!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood