HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

The Blogging Habit

POSTING ON THE BUS - you see this is where pen and paper will take you but not a laptop. Note that's our word while the manufacturers hopingly call them "notebooks". Notebooks? Yeah ... The kind you can't keep away from an electricity supply for more than 24 hours. Can't leave unattended in any public place. And certainly can't plop into a full-to-the-brim bubblebath and hang out to dry. (Not that I take bubble-baths. We've no hot water at all still. So bathing in any fashion other than stood at the sink with soap and sponge is out of the question.)

I was sitting cross legged swaying earlier - to the rhythms of life - when I realized I was unusually high - especially for nowadays when they rarely seem to touch the sides - on very expensive drugs. Indeed they are expensive: they have cost me nearly my life.

And yet they tell you; all the time they insist that you cannot afford to stop taking them. Could never live without them. Which is, quite possibly the biggest catch-22 in the entire world.

One hour later, return bus journey: still buzzing. Money's worth?

And I have to be so careful how I post this "high" stuff. Even posting about the lows of using I'm cautious to do ...

One time, a couple of months ago (and bear in mind I spent over six years of my life studying the German language) I chanced upon a photoblog not only from Germany but from Berlin. Berlin, the one city in the world that I want to see before I die. More, even, perhaps, than New York City ...

So I left a brief note saying hi.

It just so happens that when this guy returned the visit, I'd posted prominently some anecdote to do with my habit. I opened my comments only to be assailed by a curt and irritable answer berating my "boring dope stories" - and I returned to his blog only to find my own original greeting summarily deleted.

My mission here is to show the world (as I profiled myself somewhere last night) that not all junkies are purse-snatching psychos. I'm blogging to tell the world that I have a heroin habit and yet am still a nominally functioning member of the human race.

Believe me, if I didn't have that viewpoint you wouldn't be reading these words. Because I wouldn't have bothered to take up blogging at all ...

***

Three blogs of note from today:
1. San Miguel de Allende - tales from visitor to a small town in South America
2. Customs Law - rants and opinions from someone who ties (and unties) red tape for a living
3. Moyameehaa - a crazy blogger from the Maldives. "Unique" perspective on life ...

oh and one more
- World's Best Bathrooms - "the average person spends x hours per day in the bathroom..." this site reviews (with photos) some of the most salubrious (in New York state, I think ...)

32 comments:

Anonymous said...

Some people can't deal with it; some of us can. I've had friends who were fully functioning people with jobs, relationships, etc. Lots of people have addictions, not all of them illegal. Not all of us wish to face that, so it's easier to just separate ourselves and resort to "boring junkie stories."

I find I write in a completely different style when I'm not on the computer. I'm generally far more thoughtful. I have a notebook I never use for exactly the reasons you've cited.

Take care and keep sharing your world.

ggirl said...

Again, I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Anonymous is ggirl. I'm just going to sit quietly at my desk now.

Gledwood said...

don't worry about it ggirl! don't worry

Kate said...

Hey, Gledwood-

Thanks for coming to see me in the suburbs. My husband (who is English)(and likes to plead the fifth) thinks that Americans are overawed by the US Constitution and that we would be better off if we adopted the British practice of ruling by legal precedent. To be honest, it hadn't occurred to me before (steeped on my own cultural propaganda since birth), but he's got an excellent point. Americans literally worship the Constitution - yet so many countries manage as well or better than we do without one.

Come to think of it, if he has so little repect for the "supreme law of the land", he really should stop using it to avoid marital butt-confrontations.

PS. As stated in an earlier comment, everyone has addictions, baggage, pain and bullshit. I'll keep coming to visit and see what you can teach me.

RAFFI said...

no doubt, you're definitely functioning. blogging is so addictive, sometimes i find i overlook or brush off my "to do's" of the day. pen and paper just don't cut it for me. besides i'm faster and more stream of consciousness on the keyboard and screen. anywyas, i'll leave you with a word from bradley nowell who lost the war.

RAFFI said...

these bastards don't let hyperlinks connect directly. here's the http:

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/sublime/poolshark.html

thejunkyswife said...

I have mixed feelings about sharing my blog for similar reasons. First of all, I'm kind of proud of it because I'm doing some good writing there, and I'm always looking for freelance gigs, so it's a great opportunity to showcase my writing skills...but, it also reveals that I'm married to a heroin addict, which doesn't say much to the average guy about my ability to make choices or my stability. Ahh, well...we should never be sorry for telling the truth!

Wayward Son said...

You haven't had much luck with the Germans and your addiction. We all see what we want to see. So choose something better to see when your friendly advances are rejected—like how a lack of compassion, an inability to see another point of view and rigid intolerance is not your problem but his.

Then forgive him. After all, he has a lot of problems.

WS

Katarina Ducrozet said...

are u hot??




lol..

R2K said...

: )

gledwood said...

R2K: you've changed your monika! But the comment's the same (more succinct than my: i'm a blogger too!! do drop by my place!! i'm at http://gledwood2.blogspot.com!!! i soo look forward to seeing you there!!!

katarina: very. saw you on raymi's blog the other day when i was looking through back issues

wayward: i know

junky's wife: i suppose you could always start a non-linked cooking blog or something of that ilk ...

raffi: have you been spying on me? how did you know i do the very same? btw your hyperlink did work but came to so many popups the explorer had to shut down and take a little rest for five minutes!

kate: i think british democracy actually seems to function better than american in many ways. e.g. the prime minister has more powers than your president re internal policymaking and actions. that's why i think bush is such an international "tyrant" (as so many like to view him) ...

gledwood said...

o btw the german's url is

http://frompath.blogspot.com

so you can all say hi to him there!!

Naomi Joy said...

ahh being without hot water sucks...its been 4 days for us now.

Gledwood said...

you are kidding me.

i thought i was the only person living in 3rd world conditions not in the 3rd world ... actually that's starting to sound bitter and twisted about it. really i'm so used to it it barely registers on my radar except when i irritatedly mention it to others

Kao said...

Well, I do think peoplecan live and have an adictio too.. so it's no big deal...

and with that point of view I think it's cool enough youcan blog your experiences... tough you're not the only high person who writes about it...

that's good...

but I also have my addiction: sex, tobacco and a little of alcohol...
perfect mixture... xD

if you have msn then add me: kao_x_1@hotmail.com

see you around the blogs or msn then..

xD

Gledwood said...

that msn thing is still a mystery to me. i think i've seen other people use it but ... it is beyond me...

you can live and have an addiction.

you gotta be given the chance, though

many thanxx for the message

Anonymous said...

Nicole_: Gled - Just stopping by and saying hello - I'm off to sleep now. Have a good night! I sent you some email.



Welcome to Gabbly!
Learn how to make money from hosting a chat by registering your name here!

S. said...

Thanks for your visit, even thought you don´t understand portuguese.
Fortunately, I do understand english, so I will return here... See you soon.

IVY said...

You have to be careful just because one guy erased your greeting? Whaaa? Makes no sense. Dont be careful.

Chef Jules said...

Good evening, Gledwood. I'm glad you dropped by my blog to visit today -- it's good to meet you. I won't purport to know the essence of your day-to-day existence,your trials and triumphs. I feel as though I missed a block of info having come in on Vol 2.

You have a great sense of humour, self, and expression. I look forward to getting to know you via the blogosphere. Keep on writing!

slaghammer said...

Ouch! I think you are handling this pretty well, a lot better than I would. I guess that’s what happens when you reach out to self-important douche bags. I know it’s not the same, but when people discover I’m from Texas, they automatically assume I’m a blithering idiot with Jesus envy and a stunted worldview. They think I must be dangerously arrogant and completely full of crap. We all have our crosses to bear. Hopefully, within the next fifteen years, our image will revert back to simple country folk all dressed up like cowboys while driving trucks with chain saws and shotguns bouncing around on the floorboard. Those were simpler days.
Oh yeah, sponging yourself off at the bathroom sink is referred to in this part of the world as a “whore’s bath.” Did I just reinforce a stereotype? I guess I did.

RUTH said...

You can't please all of the people all of the time...I've had a few nasty emails about my blog about Mick and my subsequent battle re benefits and also some saying they are no longer able to comment on my blog because of the content...don't let it get to you...some people just live in their own little cocoon and don't realise there's a real world outside, with real people and real problems.
Rx

Peter said...

Hi Gledwood, re the "Melbourne car alarm bird" you asked about, I think it was probably a Lyre Bird you meant, these are a forest dwelling bird and are superb mimics of any and every noise they hear during their lives.
Some of their specialties include; Chain saws, Camera shutter noise, Car alarms, and pretty much any other bird they hear.
The Galah that you mentioned is a member of the Cockatoo/Parrot family
a grey bird with a pink breast which gathers in fairly large flocks

gledwood said...

no Ivy - he was the one guy who said something. Maybe 100 would have thought the same thing over time & said nothing. I have to be careful not bc I'm scared of offending people but bc of the subject matter. I don't want to cast junkies in any worse of a light than they're in already

Slaghammer - wow antiTexan prejudice? Never even knew that existed

Jules - you're welcome

Peter - that rings a bell. Lyre bird. Thanks for that info

Ruth - seriously? That is utterly ridiculous. But I can well believe it

ScaramoucheX said...

Lemme tell ya: yer 'boring dope stories' are alright with me...
I hate when people invalidate states of mind that are egendered by the ingestion of substances they think are taboo.
I do not owe to anyone a justification of how I weave my 'logos'; what they refer to as 'substance abuse' is often merely the use of sacraments, usually within ritual, that help the supplicant achieve a certain (often reverential).

I would rather that I be judged by them for my works...

Good blog, don't let bravery quaver in the face of the Other's attentions (but do take care to be clever, and discreet).

Cheers

gledwood said...

Thank you for that!

"Boring dope stories" touched a nerve bc it's always easy to slip into childish (a) self-pity or even worse (b) kind of bragging about drug use. That's territory I try & steer well clear of

Dan said...

Oh course you're functioning even when you're high. Better than lots of non-high people I know.

I'm sending a bunch of hugs your way.

gledwood said...

thanxx Dan~!!

Sandy said...

Well for you, I wish you weren't addicted, but then again, what do I know..I've never been. Maybe sometimes life looks and feels better that way...but whatever...I like your blog and your style...sandy
ps.my addiction use to be cigarettes..not that much anymore..I decided I wanted to breathe when I got older..but now I'm addicted to "breathsaver mints"...go figure...There is always an addiction somewhere waiting to attach itself to you.

gledwood said...

hmmm i was told i did not have an addictive personality. but that was before the heroin got me!!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood