HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Rehab or "Bust"

WHERE DO THE BREASTS COME IN? I asked myself, attempting to rewind mentally to this headline. Victim of my own visual mind I saw boobs in that headline. Hmmm. What's new...?

Rehab...? Having been thrown in with those all the same junkies with their drug-talk, prison-talk, grafting-talk (money-raising techniques) and so on I can confirm they are indeed a drab bunch to be with. All the same, most definitely. And NA say you should focus on the similarities not the differences. The similarities are overridingly impossible to ignore I'm afraid. Junkies are all the bloody same!

My local mental-unit was so much easier going. Not to mention fascinating. One guy, their longest-serving resident (3 years and counting) spoke random phrases from the dictionary, his own verbal fruit-salad. His mind was fractured from the very core, like a hammered mirror. The true meaning of "disorganized schizophrenia".

The manic crew were most egotistical and boring. Full of delusions of grandeur and flagrant lies. E.g. "I wrote that song now playing on the radio. They owe me fifty million pounds in back-royalties etc ..." blah-blah. When they weren't boasting uproariously, the more intelligent maniacs engaged with anyone who would listen (i.e. mostly the nurses) in one-sided metaphysical discussions about the construction of the cosmos and other unforseen queries of universal ponderance (that would be their kind of phrasing, not mine ...)

The depressives were to greater and lesser degrees withdrawn, according to the severity of their illness. One man, put on "one-to-one" care (a humiliating situation where you cannot sleep, go to the toilet or do anything without being in the company of a nurse) seemed like the hollow shell of a human being, the insides having been blasted out. His eyes were dead. But I know from experience that anyone, however far out they have travelled in the realms of insanity can come back again whole. Or even enriched from the experience. Which is impossible to see at the time. In fact reality can't be seen at the time. That's what madness is.

One man, for example was wearing socks on his hands and hitting pool balls with his elbows when I first saw him. He later escaped and reappeared wearing Guantanamo Bay style uniform (this is how the police dress inmates they pick up naked.) When I encountered him a few months later he came up to me, full of conversation. He remembered the time of day I'd given him through all that madness and now he was well again. Quite amazing.

The personality disordered were the strangest bunch. They seemed for the most part totally normal - except for their outbursts. One had cut his arms in symmetrical places with a samurai sword. He spent all day chatting and smiling. And insisting to all who would listen that he wanted to die. He did all he could to stay inside the unit, prolonging his internment voluntarily for several weeks.

I made friends with the randoms and the paranoid bunch. Living with Nutnut, whose psychotic vibes wormed their way into my fragile consciousness eventually nearly flipping me out, I had an understanding of the fragile balance of the human psyche. And how easily one can come under psychic attack from Greater Forces.

Now I'm called a junkie "with low mood". Yesterday's doctor held off on prescribing antidepressants until I've had a full psychiatric assessment. I bumped into a friend this afternoon who's just been through one of these and, on reflection, believe that would be the best way forward. Having abandoned the driving seat a couple of years ago, I must accept that I am steering the course of my own life and nobody else. And if I give up control I become victim to life's every gust and downpour.

So I don't know the way forward. I just know that only I can push myself there. Wherever "there" may be ...


sadgirl said...


I don't know how you feel about taking anti d's. I take a few. I have just started supplementing this with EPA fish oils which are supposed to help if you are looking for an alternative. I can tell you more about this if you want. I hope you choose rehab but I expect it is a difficult decision that only you can make.

all the best
sadgirl x

Wayward Son said...

I know that because your dealing with opiates there is a that part of your addiction that is physiologically different from mine. And though the combination of the physiological, logistical, emotional and mental aspects of one's addiction are unique to each individual, the overwhelming difficulty of the task of getting better is universally shared. So in that way I "feel your pain." Figuratively speaking anyway. I know you can do whatever it is you want to do.

The issue I grapple with is staying focused on whatever my desire is. It changes a bit every day so I keep having to adjust my plan of action. It's like how nature is always shifting to stay in balance. It's helpful for me to look at it that way and keeps me from getting to far out of the moment, which is my want.

I think you know this already because you mentioned it in your post in regards, "But I know from experience that anyone, however far out they have traveled in the realms of insanity can come back again whole."It is in the striving, is it not, where the most reward is found and not as much in the end result as one would think. Perhaps that is why we continually create challenges for ourselves.

Your the best, WS

The Discovering Alcoholic said...

Dear Gledwood,

I have added your site to our blogroll at the in commemoration of your hopeful entry into recovery.

The only advice I can give about entering rehab is that I hope you do it while its still a choice and not just the end of the road. Your assessement that all addicts are alike might as well include the behaviors of alcoholics like myself, the only difference in all of us is the degree in which our drug of choice has destroyed our lives. I had to become one of these palsied, drooling nutjobs before I had suffered enough to seek recovery, please don't make the same mistake.

Take care, and shoot me an update so I can put it on our site.

Take care,

The Discovering Alcoholic said...

Between preview and post it destroyed a link, my apologies for the open tag!

gledwood said...

Sadgirl: I'm looking into going to a Therapeutic Community where people are in for mixed reasons. So much more tolerable than a house full of boring old junkies. The antidepressant I want to go back on it mirtazapine

Wayward: I can never focus on anything except scoring. That's been the only thing I've ever focused on. Scoring and using. "Will"power is the power of "will". And my "will" has always been to use!

Discovering: couldn't have put it better myself

Gledwood said...

Adamsposse.blogspot = typical baby/toddlers blog - for the record

Gledwood said...

another entertaining baby blog

(I'm taking these down as future recommendations. find so many baby blogs!)


Nicole said...

That was like part one of a great novel!

I shall await part two eagerly.

Gledwood said...

I forgot to wrap up what I was bloody saying anyhow!

gledwood said...

ooo wonder what amoryn is? just gottan ad forit comeup ...

ggirl said...

"But I know from experience that anyone, however far out they have travelled in the realms of insanity can come back again whole."

I beg to differ, Gled. From personal experience.

Hope you're having a lovely day

RAFFI said...

gled, you're a good guy and i get the impression you're tired of the torture. being a slave to anything sucks. i hope, whatever you choose to do, we hear the story that you came "back again whole".

gledwood said...

Ggirl: CAN do - not always does. Get my drift?

Also paradoxically the more severely mentally ill somebody is the more the psychiatrists seem able to do for them.

It's people smashed up by the nastiness of LIFE itself they have trouble helping. These people need love, respect, quietness, care - not a doctor

gledwood said...

Raffi: I am seriously thinking of going away. As I said (somewhere) earlier; I'm thinking of going to a mixed therapeutic community if I possibly can - rather than just a druggie rehab

CG said...

Your comment on my peeling paint photo was wonderful; so perceptive. Good luck with whatever you decide to do: all the very best xxx

Gledwood said...

cg: I had to go back and look at what I'd said ...

I love dereliction photos... don't know why but you can almost smell the years of sunlight beating off that peeling wood, know what I mean .???...

mmmm what I said is definitely true.
Sometimes when I dream of derelict houses I can smell the dusty carpets in my dream. I don't know that many people smell in their sleep!

Dan said...

Gleds, don't lose hope.

This was a wonderful post, sort of like a Cliff's notes to the mental unit. But you know what? The thing that strikes me about all those folks you named is that those are conditions we ALL have, only they exhibit them more accutely.

For instance, folks who talk to themselves do so by speaking. We talk to ourselves all the time, in our heads. And it drives me nuts sometimes.

gledwood said...

yeah you're right actually. recently psychiatrists had to recognize (but officially, not just in office chats with ... o man! i nearly said "clients" then! PATIENTS. CHATS WITH PATIENTS that psychsis is a matter of degrees and tails in totally with "normal" ... which we all knew anyhow... also bipolar as well - as we all know, some have bigger ups and downs than others. but they're not all "bipolar" ...
i feel this comment badly rambling now
but thanxx for your message Dan
all the best
... g

Katarina Ducrozet said...

i took my x to rehab actually detox first like 5 times. hopefully it works out better for you.
u will just have to get another addiction, like sex,or candy,or buying shoes.or start to chainsmoke and drink mass amounts of coffee

Vinz said...

Good going Gleds! Drive safely :-)

Audrey said...

Yet again a wonderful post Gledwood..No advice, no words of wisdom other than you will know deep within what is right for YOU, whatever you decide may it lead you forward in strength..

Recently I had the joy of seeing one of the people I support(through by sheer chance seeing a locum psychiatrist) have her diagnosis of schizophrenia queried after five years and her medication stopped, she went through a week of hell due to rebound psychosis, but today 3 months on she is like a new woman, full of life and more able to concentrate, focus and just be present..Its wonderful to witness this..of course she still struggles with daily living but to a lesser degree as she is able to now access the support she needs and more aware of her true feelings.

All the bestx Auds

Gledwood said...

KDC: a nondamaging nonfinancially ruinous addiction tho!

Vinz: ta

Audrey: really? Schizophrenia/rebound psychosis ...

they don't like giving the diagnosis schizophrenia today, am I right? they like to say things are schizotypal, schizoid, schitzzy etc but not schizophrenic unless the illness unremittingly declares to them they have to ... if you know what I mean... Psychiatrists love to subcategorize things. Love people to fulfil diagnostic criteria. Love people to be mentally ill so they can treat them. Psychiatrists are the real nutters!

Liz said...

Have you ever listened to REM's songs? I am convinced the words are chosen at random from a dictionary.

Anyway, I think I mentioned Zac's place in a previous comment: a young girl from there has just gone into rehab. She's on her third week and doing okay. However long she sticks it out, just going in is a huge step. A decision, a determination, a want. Do you want?

Audrey said...

Gledwood, yes your right, psychiatrists are changing their language and the younger ones tend to use the terms you mention, in the case I spoke of the lady has been said to be suffering a psuedo psychosis which I guess covers it all...in a strange sense.

An experiment was carried out years ago where rational,healthy people were admitted to psychiatric hospital having presented with false symptoms, the genuinely ill(the patients) eventually cottoned on the the fact that they were not genuine but the participants in the experiment found it very difficult to convince the professionals that they were not suffering and that they were part of an experiment, the professionals put this down to delusional thought...its a complex area... mind boggling. Our psychiatric systems operate on the maintenance model, the recovery model is slowly making ground in changing our language and puts a very different perspective on how people are treated and at the helm, the experts, the people with the real experience, the ones who have made the journey..not back but forwards often still experiencing symptoms,but they have found effective ways of dealing with them,so they dont impact in the way the used to...Quite inspiring to meet these people, the best teachers there are.. Much strength to you Gledwood

Cristiane Benedicto said...

Vc é genial, parabéns...

Gledwood said...

Liz: I'm not 100% sure that's why I'm staying noncommital I'd rather stay noncommital than be the kind of annoying person who says he's going then backs out. Because that is so easily something I do ...

Audrey: Do you think they really wanted to "maintain" their patients as patients? Maybe they assumed nobody could be cured and so maintenance was seen as the only option...

C Benedicto: let me find out what that means. Aren't parabens ingredients in shampoo?

Gledwood said...

OK this is what it means:

Vc it is brilliant, congratulations...


ggirl said...

I understand the difference, Gled. I just don't agree with you.

I have ptsd from many, many childhood years experiencing the nastiness of life up close and personal. Doctors have helped.

Yes, they can treat some major psychiatric illnesses with some degree of success. Coming back whole? No.

It could be that we have different definitions of "coming back whole." I don't know. We don't have to agree, do we?

I hope you find your way soon. I definitely believe *you* can come back whole. Best wishes, Gled.

Gledwood said...

GGirl: thanks

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood