HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Saturday Early Morn ...

SATURDAY A.M. - 04:52hrs.
WITH MY WINDOW AJAR - as ever - and the world lit cyan-grey
, birds a-chirping, the dawn of a new day seems friendly. And not despairing ("more of the same, same for ever"). I can hear the cars at the crossroads by the big park by my local tube station. Is it the sound of tyres on road? They are swooshing straight across the far horizon of my soundscape.

The alarm clock bird, here yesterday, is silent this morning. Or gone. Or dead.

But what an irony. For what I said above "more of the same - same for ever" shall indeed be true today. And true for the forseeable future.

But this no change no change same all the same. Such sameness! So much the same for me. This era has to end...

The only query is: when?

Of course I can't answer that. If making changes to my life were as easy as all that rest assured - I'd have made them long ago. I can be lilly-livered, shrinking violet and so on; but I'm not that bad ..!

One day, when I've decided, it shall all change indeed. It will probably be difficult to communicate, to stay in touch. I may have to move quickly. Decisive action can't always be intricately planned.

But if and when it happens, be assured: it will be a "happening".

I will rock my own world ...

And then, well and truly, all around me will know that a new day truly has dawned ...


I'm sorry. What else can I say about that? Eeewgghhkkhhkkttpkk! I wrote that, as I said, in the very early hours. Those were my thoughts. I know More than Just Thinking is Required for a Future.
I know that.
Don't even need to say Gimme Time
I just gotta make the right enquiries and
Go Ahead ...

Know what I mean ..?


Edyta said...

awww! birdies! & btw, yaaay, i am first :D hehe. so those were ur thoughts. good to know. sometimes mine are soooo alike. i think with ager i dont become wiser, i just degradate demote or relegate. u name it!

ps. i have nominated the other five ages ago. well... yesterday morning :D

Edyta said...

I WAS at Kao's blog & RUDELY STALKED u! No, not really, i somehow saw ur comment that u r going to REHAB.
I definitely support this decision.
I thought i'd let u know.
I'm ur comment box spammer! For sure!

Nicole said...

You can do it Gled!

thejunkyswife said...

Watch me be a crazy codependent:

If you go to rehab, I'll click on your ads. I have taken to clicking on the ads of blog friends, but I hesitated on yours because I don't want to help "pay" for using...

So you've been bribed by a crazy electronic codependent! Watch me save the world with Google ads!

Bimbimbie said...

here's to the dawning of your new day Gledwood *!*

Audrey said...

You express your thoughts so well Gledwood, and dead right your not 'that'bad, you have an inner strength that comes across through your words as well..

Was it T.S.Elliot who wrote 'what we call the end is often the beginning, for the end is where we start from.'

Wayward Son said...

Find a facility with Web access. If there isn't one, there needs to be one. Maybe we can make that happen. Harder things have been more easily done.


Zhu said...

Hey, just though I'd check on you, it's been a while !

Your whole blog is so honest... really you deserve better than addiction. You're NOT that bad as you put it...

Rauf said...

i know you only through your writing. i can see the strength and determination in you Gleds.

Deb said...

if you're gone, we'll just wait, no worries. And we'll know you're taking a step forward. Whenever and whatever...good luck.

you're too good too just waste away and you deserve a good life. You have so much to offer. Blah, blah, blah.


junky said...

Gled, glad you stopped by the other day. been having a rough time and this I believe? inadvertent poetry post of yours is absolutely beautiful.
If you go try to get word too all of us in blog world, good luck and god speed my son.

Deb said...

i think i put tooooo many oooo's in some toooooo's. It's one of those kinds of nights.

Deb said...

junky...we're pretty tricky, huh?

Deb said...

was it good for you?

Deb said...

and are we supposed to go have a cigarette now or something?

bored...going to work out now.

bye gleds.


Puss-in-Boots said...

I like that..."I will rock my own world". Good for you, Gleds. Take the world by the throat, give it a good shaking and see what happens.

I think that underneath it all, you are a strong person, Gleds. You will come into your own when the time is right.

Keep on keeping on.

gledwood said...

No I've not gone away... generally you have to give weeks' notice. (For state funding.)
No, if I'm going to rehab you'll all know in advance ... or to put it another way ... I've to sort funding first, which I have not done. So no surpise disappearances YET!

Gledwood said...

Thanxx for the msgs everyone... Edyta: yeah, birdies ROCK!

Nicole: I know I can do it... if I WANTED TO enough. Know what I mean..?

Junkyswife: would you. Oh ta! Nobody bloody clicks 'em at the moment!!

Bimbi: o! thanxx!

Gledwood said...

Audrey: thanks, I'm glad I can do SOMETHING properly anyway!

Wayward: yeah you're right there does have to be computers at the rehab. Tho this is considered way less of a priority than it would be e.g. in the States I'm sure

Zhu: aw, thanks darlin'! Glad someone appreciates me

Gledwood said...

Rauf: do you really think it shows in my WRITING? but writing is just words. actions speak SO MUCH LOUDER - know what i mean..?

Deb: I know that. It's chronic, innit?

Junky: I think you've been having a worse time tho, seriously. Grasping load of bastards honestly. Family. Who'd have 'em??

Gledwood said...

Debs: I have a cigarette before after and during everything I do a/nyhow!!

PiB: "I think that underneath it all, you are a strong person, Gleds. You will come into your own when the time is right.

Keep on keeping on. .."

that is hopefully all true. many thanxx

ggirl said...

I do indeed know what you mean.

In one of my many Buddhist books, someone talked about the "monotony of life." At the time I read it, I didn't understand. Now I do.

Have a lovely day, Gled. Take care of yourself.

Gledwood said...

GGirl: thanxx! ps did you read my reply to the coming back from the brink mental comment?

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood