HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Quick Hi

JUST SAYING HELLO QUICKLY. I know I nearly always post every day.
Woke up at 5am feeling wonderful. All the houses seemed to be polished in psychedelic fairydust - and I've taken no such psychedelics for about a decade so it can only have been a "memory", a "dream" or a "flashback". I don't know. Then eight a.m. came round and I didn't want to sleep but knew I should. Then eleven a.m. Then I was asleep by one a.m. and had to really force myself to get up and walk to the chemist at 6:30... and to cut a long story short I just got up at ten past midnight.
My Geri Spice Book is finished. Admittedly I only concentrated on the last third when she was famous. As I kind of said yesterday it did bring back a real blast from the past. The Spice Girls were reigning queens of pop the same time Tony Blair got in - I remember watching his motorcade driving through London on a sunny day from a helecopter-angle, crowds cheering. That seemed one of the happiest days in living history. (At least in politics.) And look how rotten it's all gone now. I loathe New Labour - I find them hypocritical, naive and blinkered in a way the Tories were not. But I won't go on about politics. We were on the blink of a new millennium and everything seemed possible. That's the affinity I feel with Geri. The affinity of an era - not long ago. That now feels utterly terminated. Since those towers were knocked down in New York - let's face it - the world has been a cold and different place. Maybe it's not a coincidence that I began having nightmares before that time about being locked out in an airport in a blizzard. So determined was I to get on an aircraft to somewhere, I climbed up the stepladder and wrenched the side of the plane off. Then I started dreaming of being in Kings Cross railway station as fighter jets roared overhead. Anyone who has lived near an airbase will know how they seem to scratch the very air itself in two. People were panicking and trying to run into the tube station because fire and pestilence was about to rain down from the sky. Well that dream has yet to come true.

Anyway the only thing I did today was experiment not merely with wholegrain, but with multigrain dumplings. Yeah, man. "Kibbled" wheat, rye etc. The flour mix was meant for making bread and was full of salt. Also - and I anticipated this might be a problem - it was yeast-based and not bicarb based. It didn't rise as well in the pot. So that's multigrain flour out the window. Not literally. (Yet.) But just wait till my landlord's standing underneath!!

Goodnight folks ...

11 comments:

rowan said...

was busy grading papers gled. it was thursday.,
i got kicked out of two starbucks today., they better let me back in because at one of them i meet somebody every saturday there and it is importnat.
i'll tell you the story later.. it's embarrassing. benzos make me do inapropriate things as usual..
where is the nomination for thinking blog? if what you say is true i am VERY grateful.
Ps. Love this line: "All the houses seemed to be polished in psychedelic fairydust -"

RUTH said...

My house is covered in dust...hence why I'm up with Mr Sheen by my side busily dusting before Leanne & Co arrive!!!

Anonymous said...

I saw your comment on whitenoises blog asking about reclaimed railways. There are so many abandoned railways, some have had tracks torn up for scrap metal and the more scenic ones seem like a natural hiking, biking trail...google the "kettle Valley Railway" its awesome...you might even find the story about the wildfires of 2003 and the trestles of the railway

Anonymous said...

Ives: Grading papers - who's the posh teacher now.... go about 2 posts down you have to nominate 5 others (does anyone actually win? & how? I don't know!)

Ruth: Psychedelic fairydust is everywhere here too. I call it spilt dumpling flour

Kelly: what a travesty. All that work with Chinese labourers etc and some idiot 100 years later decides cars are better. Nearly everyone I know prefers travelling by train IF the train is on time, has SEATS FREE, goes QUICK ENOUGH, and DIRECT to your destination. If these factors aren't factored in public transport is a waste of time!

Puss-in-Boots said...

I'm pretty cynical about all politicians and their parties, I'm afraid.

Houses polished in psychedelic fairydust...sounds wonderful, I wish my house was like that.

Bummer with the dumplings, but the experimenting sounds a good idea.

Stay well.

Cheers

Unknown said...

That's really cool. Have a great weekend.

Gledwood said...

Puss-in-Boots: let's form an apolitical political party ... or something to vote for that involves not politicking ... actually no
i
am
talking
crap!!
have a nice
weekend
tho!

g

Gledwood said...

Satya: you too!

George Atento said...

Nicey Gledwood

Gledwood said...

Puss: you can only get your house like that really by taking magic mushrooms, I'm afraid ..!

Satya: hope you had a great weekend - it's nearly midnight in India I know! Wow how times fly - especially as you move round the globe. Time differences are still such a novelty to me online

Famous quotations: won a blog of the day award. Wow! Thanks!!

George: hi!

Unknown said...

Hi Glad,

I would appreciate if you reply in my blog coz i don't go to your comments section actually until i don't have to write a new comment.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood