HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Last Hit

LAST HIT:
FOR THE FIRST YEAR AND A HALF of my addiction I was so convinced
I would be "stopping tomorrow" I must have had 365 x 1.5 (at least) "last hits".

Of course I look back now - not in anger, not in sadness. But I can barely smile at this. It is so pathetic. How can I possibly have been so naive?

Many times I recall meeting surly characters on the corners of streets - they always knew to pick me out; they even seemed to know what precisely I was on at the time (heroin, but not crack). I remember taking their numbers and saying thanks but thinking, No thanks. By this time next week I won't be needing this. Sometimes, when they spotted my hesitation, I explained I was intending to go away soon. Sometimes they smiled back knowingly. After all, a good dealer knows his business, and heroin is about the best business to be in because the drug brings the customers back. Contrary to some of the rumours of old, addicts don't need to be cajoled or threatened to continue purchasing their daily fixes. Withdrawal is a more powerful motivator than blackmail or violence could ever be. The drug takes you back every day. Hold your arms out, close your eyes. You'll walk unconsciously in the right direction. For that's what you are now - a zombie.

Night of the living junkie. Know what I mean?


***

IN THE CHEMIST'S JUST NOW: the one pharmacy this side of my "manor" that does exchange "works" I stepped in only to hear a too-familiar voice. It was Lynette, an old friend of mine. "The Mouth of the South" you might as well call her. She was right at the back pharmacy counter (where I'd have to go) waiting on her own prescription. I turned on my heel and vanished down the road to a charity shop where I browsed, ostensibly for Enid Blyton.

Then I saw what kids do read these days. Goosebumps by RL Stein, Awfully Unfortunate Adventures by Lemony Snicketts and the dreaded JK Rowling's Harry Potter. How many of the 180,000,000 sold have ended up on sale second hand down my highstreet? Too many. The final volume of the seven-part series: named something like Harry Potter and the Bird-Pecked Giblets is out soon. Kids dressed as wizards will hijack morning TV and JK herself will host a five-hour live reading at South Kensington's home of the dinosaurs, The Natural History Museum ...

Anyway after this un-asked-for children's books interlude (I wasn't in the mood for musty clothes, piece-missing puzzles or yellowing thrillers about conspiracy and the President of the United States. Because that's what else charity shops stock around here ...) I checked out the pavement both ways (no sign of her. Not a good sign as she's normally found someone to harangue on lazy afternoons like this) and snuck back to the pharmacy. And to my horror the woman was still there. Thankfully she seemed wrapped up in dialogue on her mobile phone. So I swept to the side of the counter (she noticed me at once) rapidly exchanged old for new, did the obligatory hello while her eyes fixed unflinchingly on the dark grey shadow inside the white chemists's carrier bag. But because she was talking she could not challenge me about its contents .... I gestured my wrist like I was pushed for time (she knew what I meant) and flew away up the high road ... That was a close scrape. Why shouldn't I keep my own business personal?

***

IT'S A CLASSIC NEWS DAY FOR The Sun, Britain's top-selling daily paper.

Little Madeleine McCann (the lost four year old)'s father had his wallet snatched (where else but in London, how typical) and has lost three "irreplaceable" shots of her. Of course with 24-hour hotlines ("Do you know the thief?") and a nation's fury ripe for a scapegoat, whoever does have them will now be far too scared to give the photos back.

Kate Moss fills up page five in an article heavy with suggestion on her "skeletal" figure.

The "pale and frail" model was "helped inside" Paul McCartney's 65th birthday "bash", so the newspaper reports.

Her "junkie boyfriend Pete Doherty" was not with her.

"'Stress, depression, drugs and alcoholism can often be behind not eating enough and losing weight,'" the paper points out, underlining in metaphorical red the otherwise unspoken suggestions of the suspected cause of this weight loss...

... And the rest of the paper's a melange of Big Brother, other celebs etc. To be honest I'm too tired to bother ploughing through it and I know you've heard enough. On that note I'd better go.

If you want to see something really entertaining, take a look at my Celebrity Blog clip of Naomi Campbell on a Japanese gameshow. It's hilarious!

See you tomorrow!

G

***

PS Come here for one of the best photo-blogs I've found: Maiylah's Cluster of Leaves

***

PPS Come and see this: Kate Moss in Pete Doherty's amateur homemade video. This is the one everybody's talking about. They're dressed in matching red soldier suits ... click here to see it.

44 comments:

Martha Elaine Belden said...

i do enjoy reading your miscellanies.

it's so hard to read of someone's battle with something as ugly as heroine. but i'm proud of you for your honesty.

thanks for sharing :)

Kao said...

Yeah, I thought the same when I started smoking (only cigarretes) but it does me something ill.... after all... noone ever really quits...

and being naive... I think I was naive... but the drug this time was a woman... quite sad... wait! heroine is a female name! (well in spanish it has)... so women and most drugs turn us into real junkies... I guess...

well...

I' not making much sense but at least I tried to say what I think... xD


see you!

Gledwood said...

haaah, kao! i'm glad someone understands !! see. it's v slippery and deceptive. and in the beginning you really CAN quit the next day with very little suffering. only after time it gets harder and harder ... hmmmm

martha: glad u liked it!

Shari said...

This is different. I've seen other "battle" blogs (battling cancer, dealing with childhood abuse, autism, and of course, mine about Usher Syndrome).

I've never gotten into drugs or cigarettes. I am a social drinker, but pretty much like to drink water most of the time. I have enough to handle as it is.

I got my avatar from Glitter Graphics: http://glitter-graphics.com/ and downloaded a clip art to my computer's My Pictures folder, Then I used Ripway: http://www.ripway.com/ to upload the avatar. Then in the edit profile (found on upper left side on blogger dashboard)-scroll to Photograph URL and copy and paste the URL on your Ripway acct. Maybe someone else has an easier way, but that's what I did.

I like white tigers, dolphins, and penguins. It was a tough choice.

gledwood said...

good on yer for not touching the cigs let alone drugs

~tiger: you made the right choice!

Kao said...

wow that was fast posting!

well you know... there are more addictions than just drugs.. so I think I got your idea...

and besides... this feeling of having an angst filled heart is my most dangerous and harmful addiction.. so imagine how I feel when remember that I can't tlet it go now... so sad...¬¬'

and you said it becomes harder and harder after time... but reached a time you simply can't quit...

see you!

Rodrigo said...

Oi, achei teu blog pelo google tá bem interessante gostei desse post. Quando der dá uma passada pelo meu blog, é sobre camisetas personalizadas, mostra passo a passo como criar uma camiseta personalizada bem maneira. Até mais.

Gledwood said...

Kao: I don't quite get your point actually

Other Italian/Spanish person let me Babelfish your remark

Gledwood said...

o how typical I name 2 languages and it's blinkin' Portuguese!!

hahaarrgh!!

Gledwood said...

OK this is what Rodrigo says:

Oi, I found yours blog for google tá well interesting I liked this post. When to give gives passed for mine blog, is on personalized t-shirts, shows step by step as to create a well personalized t-shirt way. Until more. 21 June 2007 23:15

Gledwood said...

Thanxx Rodrigo

Nicole and Debs chatting said...

Hey Nicole and Debs chatting:

3 gabbers
deb: ha...that's funny. reading about gled going to the charity shop and that's exactly where i'm heading right now.

Nicole_: No worries. I'm actually just popping in to skim a few entries and I have to go dry my hair before I fall asleep!

deb: well good night...nice to finally "chat" with you a minute

Nicole_: have fun at the shop!

Hope you find something cool!

deb: thank you...love to look for treasures

we have two very good shops here...one profits the hospital, the other one is for abused women/children

Nicole_: crap... I'm such a klutz

deb: how come?

Nicole_: I just pressed some odd key combination and my browser went back 2 pages

deb: oh dear...like deja vu?

Nicole_: it's this funny little gabber chat... I still have no control over it LOL

deb: i know...a mind of its own

Nicole_: I must go and blow-dry my mop now... it's getting close to midnight here

deb: o.k....take care nicole

Nicole_: you too :)

byeeeeeee

deb: bye bye :)

Audrey said...

Im tempted to say you would make a wonderfully gifted drugs counsellor/writer one day...oops!!! I just said it.your writing, its so real and honest and truly educating. Ive been naive about somethings in my life, I think we all have, oh the benefit of hindsight... nothing to gain by beating ourselves up about it and its good to acknowledge it I suspect.

I recall a time when I would get in the car and drive for miles just to get that pack of cigarettes at 4am because I was stressed and couldnt sleep,different degree perhaps?

Keep strong, keep blogging and keep your head up Gleds.. your worth it

tom said...

Great post, sometimes it's easy to see with some of the horrible literature that we are bombarded by and the celebrity news and crappy reality shows why we are driven to drugs and alcohol..Last week there was a special news segment of how horrible it was for Princess Di's little princes and the tabloid reporting...aren't there bigger issues in life than the worries of two spoon fed Princes? It's our job to laugh at all of them and try to stay sane. Keep up the fight and write write write!

Just Sharlene and My Spice Cats said...

Hi. First of all, thanks for visiting my blog. Gosh, your blog is so different from mine! I have never seen a blog that talks about his/her addiction to drugs. This is interesting.

Dan said...

Addiction is a real son-of-a-bitch, isn't it.

And it's not just drugs. Nearly every person I know is addicted to something. I'm addicted to more things than I can count.

Have a great weekend Gleds!

M- Filer said...

I really like this blog of your the best. I am a recovereing cocaine and meth addict and I really dig this topic especially on this medium. Well done.

AintNeverScared said...

Just wanted to pop in and tell you that I love to read your blog. Your style is authentic and genuine, plus you often make me laugh! I read a lot but don't always leave a comment. Pop in to my blog anytime. Can't promise it's as interesting as yours, but let's just say I've been in a similar spot to where you are.

Gattina said...

Thanks for popping into my cat blog, but I think you better should read my main blog Writer Cramps. I know that getting away from an addiction either drugs or alcohol is very difficult and doesn't work only by saying tomorrow I'll stop. You always find an excuse not to stop, that's the problem. Fortunately you seem to be out of it !

Anji said...

What an interesting mixture, I see the Sun hasn't changed much in the last 22 years except the celebs have got thinner.
I'm going to get my son to read your post. thanks

Akelamalu said...

You are a talented writer and I like your honesty.
I gave up smoking 10 years ago and that was hard enough. To give up heroin you have a battle on your hands, but anything is possible.

Merle said...

Hi Gledwood ~~ You write so well
about your addiction and how you could stop any day ste. Ans it's not how you fall, but how you get up.
I am sure you are going to make it and travel and write and help others through your own experiences.
Hang in there, the only way is up!!!
Take care, Best Wishes, Merle.

Skunky said...

Did the Sun really refer to Pete Doherty as Kate Moss's "junky boyfriend"? So, so rude. Isn't he also her "musician boyfriend"? This kind of intentional depreciation of people just because of they have addictions really makes me angry. Aren't the Sun writers lordly, self-important cynics?

Yeah, sorry to rant, Gledwood.

I just want to second-third-fourth-fifth the sentiment of many of this post's commenters: your writing is awesome. I enjoy this blog immensely.

How 'bout a hammy update? How's he been lately?

RUTH said...

Hi Gleds; I can only equate what you go through will my inability to give up cigs. I can't even do that so hate to think what you go through with temptation all around you. Easier said than done I know but is there any way you could get away for a while to somewhere, anywhere away from the tempters?
Rx

Gledwood said...

Audrey: drugs counsellor..? Maybe one day. Gotta get clean first!!

Tom: hmmm the princes. I did feel sorry for them at the time bc they were so tiny ... they're only privileged in a financial sense. Neither of them will ever have to worry about being unemployed (though we can crack various jokes on THAT particular theme, I know) they won't ever be in serious debt ... but their lives are far from straightforward. Right from the day of their births their destiny was decided. They never chose to be famous like the stars of stage and screen did, so I do have some sympathy for them.... I mean what are they really meant to DO with their lives except go about cutting ribbons and chatting the most inane stuff the Queen specializes in: "so how long have you been working here?" etc

Charlene: I love your cats blog it's fantastic!

Gledwood said...

Dan: I know it's true in this society most people DO seem to be addicted to something ...

M-filer: best of luck with Recovery ... it's said to be a long slow road, I know that much ...

Aintneverscared: hang on I know your name from before, let me click ...

Gledwood said...

... yeah, go and see my celebrity blog you might like that!

Gattina: Ok I will, I kind of got lost in your profile last time ... the cats drew me in ...

Anji: I hope your son gets something useful from reading my post ...

Merle: you're right. If I can beat this I suppose I could help others quite a lot

(and no-one will ever be able to turn to me and say somehow I wasn't a fully-blown addict like them. because I undoubtedly AM. not that i'm proud of that, but you know what I mean ?...

Gledwood said...

Skunky: yeah it did indeed call Doherty her junkie boyfriend ... her by implication being something of one too. did you know when kate moss came to prominence in the early 1990s the fashion media was rife with kate moss is on heroin rumours ... but nothing was ever proved. also i don't see how you can do the necessary travel on heroin. not unless you have contacts in every major city of the world (and it's not THAT easy to arrange stuff like that. they might say they have something and, not being a user of the stuff, have bought a packet of chocolate powder or dried mud. you gotta have all bases covered if you're in a multimillion pound job ... rock stars only manage to score abroad bc they PAY somebody to go out and score for them beforehand ... touring bands have massive entourages; models do not

Gledwood said...

Akelamalu: you're right it is a real battle, which is why so many people find it necessary to go into rehabs/etc ...

Ruth: my friend Mother Hubbs is giving up smoking as we speak. She says it is weird bc the intensity of withdrawals is so much lower than heroin or alcohol ... but she says you get used to smoking so very often at so many points throughout the day - it is a real HABIT you are breaking as much as a chemical addiction ...

Puss-in-Boots said...

My addiction was nicotine but finally, about 10 years ago, I got rid of it. I actually have money now, my clothes and breath no longer smell awful and I can taste my food. But, don't congratulate me, cause I know I could start again tomorrow...God knows, I made numerous attempts at giving up.

So...in a small way I can understand, Gleds. Your honesty is incredible and I have a lot of respect for you and your unwillingness to hide the truth.

Keep on keeping on, Gleds.

Gledwood said...

PiB: Nicotine isn't that bad for you but tobacco tar is so I'm glad for you that you got over it. I'm still hooked on ciggies desperately .... as well as the other stuff ...

Note to anyone interested. Here's a psychotherapist's blog:

http://confessionsofapsychotherapist.blogspot.com/

Pixie said...

Hi Gleds, I've just popped in to check you out. Thank you for visiting me.

Sounds as if your life is tough enough without having to work your way through the celab thrash as well. but I guess someone's gotta do it.

When I have more time I'll read more of your stuff.
Hugs
px

Merkin said...

Interesting stuff.
Will be back for more once I am suffiently organised.
PS Our Naomi is a veritable Bimbo - but actually pretty fit for all that.

sadgirl said...

Hi Gledwood

I left a comment for you on my blog and on your post yesterday. When you talk about drugs its fascinating. You just don't sound like a drug addict however that is supposed to sound! I am blatantly stereotyping due to ignorance. So come on Gledwood tell us more About your life and how you came to be here. perhaps its too painful? I don't know. perhaps us people in blog land can help you work things out.

cheerio
sadgirl x

Edyta said...

Gleds!
I wanna jump with happiness cuz u r trying to quit! OMG! JOYOUS DAY T'IS!
Kate Moss? Losing weight? A skeletton already losing weight? Creepy.
No wait. I still am happy u r quiting. Yay. YAAAY. YAAAAAY. Wait, i'm getting psycho.

oh & i agree with Kao. He seems to be romantic, but yeah, a drug is a woman. Hehe. i ought to know, i was called heroine & it was supossed to be a compliment. HUH? :D

pink ginger 珂琳 said...

Happy quitting, Gled. I will give you support.
I enjoy reading this blog so much, I'm proud of you, and your honesty.

Have a nice weekend.

RAFFI said...

just keep it up, gled. i think it's funny how you mention the dealers on the corner. when i pass by them, they want to sell me crack... and i'm like "do i look liek a crack addict?" then, they say "got some trees (weed)." it's sad because he's out there trying to make a dollar, probably will get killed in the process, and all the while people get addicted.

Naomi Joy said...

maybe i should become a dealer...i could make money and become rich!haha

Deb said...

or go to jail and ruin people's lives. Depends how you look at it I guess.

Audrey said...

Clean or not Gledwood, your blog is a real credit to you, its educating me, blowing away the stereotypes and presumptions I can make at times, also made me realise that whilst I may be addicted to nicotine Im not categorized and depersonalised(for want of a better word) to the same extent that other users are.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Oh, Gledwood, I'm sorry you had such a difficult day. That sounds patronising and as if I don't know what you're going through, but I sort of do. You are being very strong. Your round-up of the Brit press says it all!

meeyauw said...

Hi Gledwood. It's 11:38 here in Vermont and I should be in bed too. I have been skimming your writing for at least a week and tonight I am finally giving it the attention it deserves. I don't know how you do it. You are honest as everyone knows. But there is more: it is as if you have given up your defenses in order to try to heal. You have surrendered to something.

I have not been able to do that. You may be learning and exploring yourself but you are also forcing me to do that, too.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

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Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood