HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Cuboid Eyes

MY EYES ARE SQUARE, my brain is fried. Ziggies are zagging from retinal glare right back to the right back of my head. Why did I actually decide to post up a blog full of trash? Paris Hilton. Lindsay Lohan. That's what people wanna see. So in a moment of madness I posted it all up. If you wish to view it, press here.

As it is I am now tired and unsure. And hungry. And have to wait to get the money to eat. Which is so typical.

I did have a meeting with yet another drugs nurse today. She encouraged me to write out a brief sketch of my life so she at least has something to go on. This is a good sign. It means they may actually see the wood rather than just the rotten trees, know what I mean?

Also I did a wise thing and told her that if I am to get clean I wish to go abroad. Europe is suppsedly a single Union and I should have the same rights to training, housing &c as here. There are Members of the European Parliament supposed to protect these rights. And agencies through which millions of euros are funnelled who are supposed to inform me of these rights. At present I'm looking for an access point that will put me in touch. Google just has the obvious stuff for businessmen wanting to trade overseas.

Perhaps my earlier posts gave the impression that I want to travel. That isn't really it. I want to uproot myself and plant down somewhere else. Whoever came up with that idiot saying "Grow where you're planted" ... well plants can obey that little credo. I have legs for a reason. To get me out of places I've had enough of!

Basically, what I want to do is pick a town (not necessarily a large city but those are the places I gravitate to) and make that home. Paris, Amsterdam, Berlin would be the kind of place. Or somewhere hot by the sea ... Costa del Sol, Barcelona, Italy somewhere, Greece. I'm blessed that I do pick up foreign language pretty easily so that isn't the biggest barrier. But where I end up... eventually... wherever I like I want to stay. I hate feeling like an outsider. I'm willing to be one but only while adopting pastures new as home.

As I said the other day my family sometimes seem to think I'm assuming the grass is always greener. I know it is the same grass just a different field. I have a vision of being somewhere overseas with people babbling all around me feeling miserable, thinking what am I doing here. But I'd rather be thinking that any day than be stuck in middle-England feeling more isolated, let down and flabby because I never even made the effort to go anywhere to begin with. My family is scattered worldwide because of itchy feet in the past and now I've just posted my own daydream. Well... we'll see ...

21 comments:

The Beach Bum said...

Thank You for your comment on my Blog!

At the time that I was there, Eritrea was a province of Ethiopia annexed by Haile Selassie and sanctioned by the UN. You can read about it in Michela Wrong’s book “I Didn’t Do It For You”.

I too am an addict. But only to legal drugs – Alcohol, Nicotine and Caffeine.

I wish you the best in you rehab!

BostonPobble said...

Gledwood ~ Thanks for stopping by over at mine. My transit map is of Boston, MA. I am currently in Washington state visiting my fella but am permanently located in MA ~ thus the Boston Pobble.

Hope this ends a little but of the eye spinning for you! :)

Get Off My Lawn! said...

Hey gledwood. Where I grew up on Vanouver Island, BC Canada, we have blackberries. Way too many blackberries. They're really tasty and are really good in pies because you get a perfect mix of sweet and tart. Anyway, the damned things are taking over. Cities and towns have to hire people just to keep them from crowding out lawns and gardens. They grow like nothing you've ever seen. The funny thing about blackberries is they never stay where they were planted. They grow so tall that they fall down and where they touch the ground, they grow new roots. Then it starts all over again until entire estates are eaten up by thorny blackberry arches.
I don't know how that fits into your planted paradigm, but there it is.
Cheers and thanks for stopping by my Bill rant. I'm glad someone was willing to defend him.

Elween said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Elween said...

ehmmm..the whole post sounds "green" and i feel green too. haha. well, i am here to say hi and thx for visiting my blog and continue work out on your gledwoodceleb blog too~!

well done and thx for a great comment:)

jungle jane said...

i'm constantly uprooting and plopping down in a new country. its a bit of a pain when you have two cats, but they seem used to it now. mind you, the recent 72 hour flight over from Australia knocked the wind out of them a bit. but only for a day or so...

Puss-in-Boots said...

Keep dreaming, Gleds. Sometimes it's the only thing that keeps one sane.

I hope you can get your rehabilitation sorted out...and that you find someone who'll see the wood for what it is...good, bad or ugly.

Good luck with the planting. I uprooted from one country to another and...it's the best thing I've ever done for myself.

Talk to you soon.

Merle said...

Hi Gledwood ~~ The new nurse sounds like a better one. I do hope you can get yourself clean and go on to travel. Good luck with your dream.
Thanks for your comments. I hope your
lamb casserole was delicious. I have never cooked mint with lamb, so must try it. Thanks for the tip. I use mint sauce on lamb. Take care,
Regards, Merle.

Rauf said...

A change of atmosphere would help Gled. Before that standing firmly on your feet is necessary. You've got the strength to pull yourself up.

Gledwood said...

Beach Bum: Re Eritrea~~I thought so! See I'm not THAT ignorant of the facts of the world. Wow I actually knew something. Re your "drugs" good on you. Don't dabble in anything harder!!

Bostonpobble: I still don't get what "Pobble" is ... the tube map is brilliant. Much straighter than ours. Ours looks like a half-buried milk bottle with roots and sprouts shooting out in every direction. Best of luck with the MA. Yeah the eyespinning's ended, thanxx

Get off my lawn: what a name!! We have blackberries too, in profusion, about the end of August, September. Sylvia Plath used to write about them... "hooks" ... I'd always thought of them as a very British fruit for some reason, brambles. Make fantastic jams and crumbles. Do you have crumble in Canada? Like a pie but with well, crumbly top .. haha!

Gledwood said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gledwood said...

Elween: yeah the celeb blog's hopefully gonna get fabulouser and fabulouser ... haha!!

Jungle Jane: no cats so no prob! Sometimes you gotta move, you know?

Puss-in-Boots: thanks for the encouragement. As I said: if I lived out my life rooted here I'd feel I'd let myself down BADLY ...

Gledwood said...

Merle: the new nurse was an AUSSIE coincidentally. She told me to look up on Google. I didn't reveal to her quite how MUCH I use the internet ... haha! Yes the mint IN casserole was fresh and I just slit the leaves a bit and put the stalks in pretty much whole, intending to pick it all out. In the end I just ate the soggy stalks with it all, It was OK! And not TOO minty despite about 20 times as much as you might normally put in and fresh

Rauf: Yeah I've been advised definitely to sort myself out BEFORE travelling and not the other way round!!

Thanks again everyone your encouragement much appreciated!!

Akelamalu said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog.
As a new reader, can I say I hope your rehab is successful, your dream to live somewhere else is fulfilled and you continue blogging because your writing is excellent.

buffalodickdy said...

I never preach about addiction-everybody gets a different deal in life. I can hold more alcohol than is good for the internal organs to try and handle, and I fight with it. Good luck with your fight. Humans- So high in the food chain, so low in what we could be....

gledwood said...

Akemalu: yeah I was wondering whether to continue blogging and under what circumstances but I think I probably WILL continue, no matter what. Thanks for your comment

Bufalodickdy: yep, quite right

Nicole said...

I do hope you get to live elsewhere. I've been to London and I wouldn't want to live there either.

Plump Pigeon said...

well, England isnt the cheeriest place in the world, and i dont blame you for setting your sights somewhere else. Though not that England doesnt have its perks. Like speed bumps and roundabouts. Wait, thats wrong....

Wayward Son said...

New York is an incredible place to live. However, it is a sink or swim kind of town. better not to be weighted down with that at the moment. Have you considered a sleepy little village by the sea somewhere? (with access to the Web, of course)

I think new places are great for new beginnings. But please remember that geographical changes make personal change more interesting but not less arduous.

I think writing your life story for the nurse is a risky proposition. meaning some needs might be overlooked because you are such a charming writer!

WS

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood