HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Thinking Blogger Awards

I AM PROUD TO ANNOUNCE that I've been tagged, by Ruth, for a Thinking Blogger Award.

(If and when I ever get the hang of how to do this, I shall paste up their logo (my "medallion" as I took to calling it yesterday) in this space ...)

Rules are I have to give their link which is here (click).

And nominate five others:

OK here goes. Now this is for words, not visuals, we are talking thinking blogging here so:-

1. First comes Ivy. She blogs about everything and anything including her dreams and her enormous methadone habit. Plus she is doing an intellectual college degree.

2. Wayward Son of CrystalCleanPersuasion - he has done an amazing six months clean off of the dreadful crystal meth. Read his blog for the story of his recovery.

3. My Vancouverian friend Deb (though I nearly always call her Debs because I add an S to most names) keeps an ongoing blog-journal of her life that's always fascinating.

4. Sadgirl I have not known for very long. But her story of life with depression is enlightening and inspiring.

5. Edyta. Blogging from Lithuania. I didn't even realize English was not her mother tongue. (I thought she was somewhere like Chicago.) She posts modern poetry and gleaming prose.

Ta-daa!

32 comments:

meeyauw said...

Hi there!
Thank you for all the kind words. I'm not worried about those "mosquito hawks" but am curious about their name. In other parts of the US they are called "skeeter eaters" (skeeter being a shorthand word for mosquito).

We always tell folks that they are the male mosquitoes, which now I have no idea if it is true or not. Their other name, crane flies, as you noted, indicates they have nothing at all to do with mosquitoes.

The recipe blog . . . is intended to inspire me to cook. But having nobody to cook for and no interest in it, I don't. And I continue to collect great recipes from King Arthur Flour Co. and any other place I find them. There could come a time . . .

Thank you again!

Gledwood said...

"The recipe blog . . . is intended to inspire me to cook. But having nobody to cook for and no interest in it, I don't. "

Oh, I know how you feel!

Dr. Deb said...

Congrats on your THinking Blogger Award status. Blogging has been a wonderful experience for me. I feel enriched from all the blogs I visit. Many make me think. Some make me laugh.

Chef Jules said...

Gled, you are very deserving of the nomination as I think you embody the definition of a "thinking, feeling, individual". Though some things you write of are situational, most of what you write speaks to the universality of the human experience.

My best,

Jules

Edyta said...

omg omg omg!
i wanna thank the academy for making this happen! also my mum, father... everyone! LOL! kidding!
thanx Gleds! U r awesome! I hope i get the hang of it soon aswell :)

Edyta said...

oh & gleds, i dont mean to be apain in the ass but u can proudly show of the medalion if u upload the image to for example www.photobucket.com & paste the code into ur blogger template :)
as simple as that :)

gledwood said...

... my blogger template? What is that??

Tea & Margaritas in My Garden said...

Hi Gledwood :)

Congratulations on your award! Your niminees sound interesting. I was niminated awhile back and haven`t took the time to figure out how to actually put the little sign on my blog LOL
Have a great weeknd.

tea
xo

Edyta said...

well
if u wanna post something, u go to ur admin's page or how can we call it. & there r options that u can do. there is a link, called template, its a bundle of codes :)
then, u can insert ur award's code whereever u want it to appear.
template = layout.
how your page looks.
emmm... was i okay in explaining that?

Gledwood said...

yes but I'm afraid of my entire blog crumbling like a sandcastle if I insert code in the wrong place... I used to blog with a company other than blogger and installed a sitemeter it messed the blog up so badly I couldn't even LOG IN to TRY and put it right.

Horrible

Edyta said...

oh then u can insert it in different places & just click "preview" & u will get a page with a preview NOT changing ur clog. its a nice function. & u can moderate ur blog with this function :) if there is something wrong & u dont like it, u can just click "clear edits" & ur blogger template wont be even touched :)

Jen said...

Gledwood,
I'm responding to a comment you left on my blog about the "Thinking Blogger Award." To get the logo, simply click on the one on my page, which will take you to the graphic itself. Then you can right click, save the logo on your computer, and incorporate into your blog as necessary. Hope this helps!

Puss-in-Boots said...

Hi Gleds. Congratulations on the nomination. I was nominated earlier in the year and had trouble inserting the "medallion", too.

I'd offer to help you...but I've forgotten how I did it! D'uh!

Re your post on the Spice Girls...I thought they were great! So did my granddaughters back then, too.

Kahshe Cottager said...

Congratulations on the Thinking Blogger Award!

PS.. How are the dumplings coming along? *-)

ChineseSnow said...

Hi!
Thanks for the comment on my page, well I had a camera and went out and took some pictures of the nature.. nothing special really.. I printed them on paper which look much nicer then using my digital camera.. Umm if you don't understand I can try to explain myself better later on.. Have a wonderful day!

Simone ( Exercising for comments) said...

Congrats.

"Cyber handshake" - nice to meet to you.

Thanks for stopping by.

RAFFI said...

dood congrats! you deserve it.

Kao said...

Wow! you really deserve it... apart from the fact that you base your blog on your experiences you have a lot to write (and you also write a lot!)

I thought you were only addict to your drug, but also to blog xD

kidding...

congratulations for your medallion!

tha link of your award leds to a page... I thought it was just a photo... hope you can put the image alone... xD

it's too long to explain how I can put images on the blogger old version, cause I got the new one.. xD

change to the new version and it'll be a lot easier... xD


see you!

Kao said...

By the way...

do you know my mother tongue is Spanish??? I guess you did 'cause maybe I don't write English as perfectly as you do... xD

Next time It'll be gatoz with a new story... xD... It'll be in english!!!

see you!

Wayward Son said...

Thanks Gleds. I'm working on my list. But in the mean time I have proudly uploaded my trophy graphic! If you need help getting yours up let me know. I can compile a set of instructions or refer you to the Google help that is applicable.

WS

Lillemor Laidlaw said...

Hi Gledwood
It was fun to get a comment on my blog today from a total stranger. I am a librarian in Copenhagen and we have all been inspired to make blog and 23 things to keep up up to date on the electronic world of information. But you can see I am Canadian!! -living in Danmark.. now for about 35 years. I came as a young girl as I have a danish mother and that is is long story!!
best reguards Lillemor

IVY said...

Darling that is so sweet of you. If you email me your address i will send you something. unfortunately it cant be what you want because of dogs sniffing mails, but i will send you f a gift. you know the email.. try the velvet one.

IVY said...

but if you cant remember the velvet one then the clementine one is fine. Thanks so much. xoxoox

Deb said...

thanks gled...honored you'd consider me. I don't mess with my template much for the very same reasons...I'm a 'fraidy cat.

And I've been away from the blog world alot lately...busy as a bee. I go for a simple surgery Tuesday so doing all the pre-op testing crap that goes along with it.

Good night...I'm off now.

Gledwood said...

Meeyauw - we get literal plagues of those insects come late summer

Dr. Deb: likewise. I've made so many fascinating friends online. You would not believe

Chef Jules: thinking, feeling, etc... I try to do all that despite not because of my "junkie"-dom ... know what I mean

Gledwood said...

Edyta: well come on nominate another five then!!

Margaritas: if I manage to put the lil sign up I'll TRY and tell you how I finally did it ..! ...(!!)... ,,

Jen: I've tried highlight-clicking. Nothing happened. Sorry. But thanxx for getting back to me. It's v much appreciated. I've seen your flower out there b4 bc it reminds me of Ruths. Thanks so much for coming back & saying hi!

Gledwood said...

Puss: I know and aren't people a snobby bunch of hypocrites! Pretending they never liked them all along when we all know they did!!

Kahshe: dumplings are fine as long as I stick to Stork Marge and plain selfraising flour. A tiny hint of x-hot chili powder really jazzes them up too!

Chinese: o ... ok ... but yours came out looking really surreal and cool. Was it just an in-the-moment thing then? ... ok

Gledwood said...

Simone: likewise!

Raffi: likewise!

Kao: likewise!

Gledwood said...

Wayward: I may have to ask for your help. Or may just leave it blank as it is ...

Lillemor: your picture really caught my eye. I could tell from your photos, though I could not understand a word of your blog, that you were quite some character ... what a fascinating background. So glad you got back to me. Please stay in touch!

Ivy: ok - i think i understand

Debs: take care. My thoughts are with you. I will pray for you.

Gledwood said...

Don't know if you even believe in prayer ... but how can it harm you.

I believe - I've had miracles granted me before!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood