HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

LIVE FROM LONDON

Gledwoods deutscher Blog

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Sweating Conkers

WOKE UP MIDDAY: LATE, crawled up the high road into my local "town" (nobody goes shopping in Central London (at least not normally) unless they practically live there) ... I was sweating like a swine when I got there. I rang "da man": the first time it took my money ~ansafone, I got paranoid it was switched off;~ tried again from another box five mins later, a woman answered. Not a good sign. Piled more money into phone box as she summoned da man out of bed. A horror-film voice spoke to me. He'd been in deep sleep. (It was now long after one pm. Pathetic.) He said he'd call me and say where to come presently. I said this was not possible because my phone is so knackered it might well hang up on him mid call. So he said go to my friend's flat (who is now clean). I said I cannot do that; I'll meet you on the stairs. So I stayed there for ages scribbling in notebook and sweating horribly. Eventually, another two calls and over an hour later he did come. By which time I was in such a disgusting state I had to call on my friend Mother Hubbs to use her bathroom facilities (mine still aren't up to scratch.) She had kindly washed my clothes for me, so I did a complete change ... read the Saturday Mirror (full of crap) watched an amusing thing about ancient Rome being sacked by Barbarians (they looked like the old crusties we used to know from the park!) Got home. Got a vein (thankfully). Feel human again. And clean. Even though I'm (drugs-wise) dirty ... but that's the junkie life ... Ho-hum ...

***

THE BLOG I HAD HOPED was Madonna's I've now confirmed is not. If you click here it will take you back to the first week's posts on said blog. And you'll see beyond a doubt that it is a spoof that took off over the months into something a little bit more. Sorry to anyone who was taken in but I now know beyond a shadow of a doubt now that it is not Madonna's personal site at all!

29 comments:

Paterfamilias said...

Hi guys!



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gledwood said...

Hi Paterfam!!

The Beach Bum said...

Gledwood -

Reading your daily blog is saddening and depressing.

I just don't understand how an intelligent person (as yourself) can slip into illegal drugs and become an addict.

My legal drugs Alcohol and Tobacco are slowly killing me. I can't quit to (literally) save my life!

So I understand addiction. But I don't understand why a person would want live their life as you do.

I'm an "old man" in my sixties - change is very hard for me. You are still young and should think more about your future.

Best Wishes on your recovery!

The Beach Bum

Sharon said...

I am glad you enjoyed my post and stopped in for a chat.I am not sure where my sister in law found it.
Sorry.
I did come by and see your post.
I read some of your other posts and my heart hurt for you.
I was not sure how to take your blog.
I am a Christian and my relationship with God is very important to me.
Not long a go a guy that had attend our church fell into a life of crack addiction. We have prayed and fasted for his freedom and recently he was set free and went into a three month program at a Christian rehab house. I know this life is rough and hard to step out of.
Without God's love, life I guess, at times would be very hard. But, because of the overwhelming love I receive from him--life is worth living. I have a hope and a future with Him. And because He loved me first and always loves me just the way I am--I find I want others to know this love also.
Do you know of His love for you?
When He sets you free--you will be free indeed.
It does not mean you will not have struggles--but if you call out to Him for help as His child---He will come.
He gave His son so that you could be free. He can never love you more or less than He does right now. He created you to have a relationship with Him. The choice is yours.
I pray that you find what you truly need.

Edyta said...

Gleds!
Hey there. Well at that blog "Madonna" dissed everyone except herself so it couldnt have been hers, i guess. She's not THAT VAIN.
& as for ur last reply to my comment: i love it bold :D makes me feel spesh :)

Audrey said...

It really strikes me the terminology used regarding heroin dependency, just wondering if this comes from the association with needles...if so I think its sad that its then personalised.

Lol Im so green I had thought when you said shopping I initially made the association with the great gods Top Shop etc..My daughters are often found in the centre, Prada being a particular favourite(otherwise known as PRIMARK)

My daughter set up a bebo page for the two fictional characters in a film her company is producing.. Elvis and Annabel some of her friends still think they are real.

Puss-in-Boots said...

Bugger, Gleds! What a shame you have this awful addiction...

However, I think some of us are born with addiction genes, for wont of a better expression. Some people don't have the problem, others like you, my bro,me and millions of other do...whether it be for legal or illegal drugs.

Look after yourself my friend, you have a precious talent in your writing.

The Discovering Alcoholic said...

I saw that the "Recovery Beckons" meme caught on to one or two others. That's good, because it does. Head for the Emerald City Gledwood, the wizard will tell you how to start.

Hint: It doesn't involve stealing the witches broom.

meeyauw said...

Sigh.
You are polite to spammers.

OK I'm not going to comment on the comments.
But

If I were to quit smoking I think I would be as public as you are. These addictions are secretive, even if others know about them. You hide to take illegal drugs. I hide when smoking. (Yes, I know it is not fair of me to equate the two but I have.)

We are equipped, or not, with resources to fend off these bad things according to our personas and backgrounds. Some of us can resist and some of us simply can't.

When I read this post, it became a black and white movie (not even an old movie) that was sad and lonely. Has there ever been a time in history as sad and lonely as ours? I look around at all that is wrong and I think not.

Merle said...

Hi Gledwood ~~I am so sorry you are
still addicted - I hoped you were winning that war. Thanks for your comments and kind words about my blog
I presume that supermarket thingo
meant the kid's coin operated cars.
I love the word fantabulous and the
weekend has been OK Thanks for your wishes. Please take better care of yourself my friend, Regards, Merle.

IVY said...

Hi Gled, what a jerk for making you wait so long when you are in that state, i remember how it used to feel to wait that long. i recently wrote about a friend who made me take a three hour bus ride when he was going to immediately drive into my city when i got there anyway. i guess he was just being a mind fuck or pot head.
Madona's web site huh.. how do you find the real site of a famous person, assuming they have one up? I WOnder why this person wanted a fake one. I presume the attention and maybe thought a journalist would be fooled and offer money for reprint but still... are journalists ever fooled and can they print fake stuff and not be sued because they thought it was the real thing?
PS. Left you a long answer at the last place you commented at. It's the third entry or fourth entry on my site/

Jeanette said...

Hi Gled. Sorry to hear you are still very addicted, was hoping you may have been trying to give it up,You are such a gifted writer I like to come read what you have written.
thanks for the lovely comments, Take care, stay safe,,

gledwood said...

Nononono! The message at the top came from Gabbly which is not really for messages it's a chat room. So I highlighted in blue what he said and transferred it here. Only I transferred the welcome note by accident that's all it's not spam seriously.... btw did you know spam is taking off big time as king of luncheon meats ... out popularizing corned beef for the first time since the 1950s!

Gledwood said...

Beach Bum: I understand your point of view. Also I expect the older you get the less point in bothering to change... I only managed to get addicted to heroin through a series of kind of "staged events" almost like they were staged to trap me ... 1. getting to know addicts 2. finding sizeable stash of this drug on roadside and 3. going out with addict for 2 years ... without those 3 factors I'd never have got addicted to begin with I can assure you!

Sharon: I understand what you are saying I was brought up Christian. I could have gone to a Christian detox but they were so incredibly strict (no cigarettes!!) I don't know I could get through that ...

Edyta: bold...? hang on I gotta look at what you're talking about ... yeah that was how I knew "Madonna" was not writing thtt blog celebs do not slag each other off like that unless they're into a publicity war or genuinely loathe each other. The posts "she" is doing now are so plausible I honestly couldn't tell any different so ...

Gledwood said...

Puss in Boots: do you know what I think everyone alive has the addiction gene to heroin. that's just what heroin is and does. it is addictive. and it kills pain. unfortunately the 2 mechanisms are inextricably linked ....

Discovering Alcoholic: i will go and try find this "meme" ... btw I had not even heard of "memes" till about 2 weeks ago. Where did they suddenly come from~???

Meeyauw: no it wasn't spam! it was from gabbly see above.... secretive yes but this is the internet people who see me every day also know something is wrong though they might not know for sure it is drugs (they might assume it is drink bc I drink as well just not as much) ... do you see what I mean... appearances

Gledwood said...

Merle: how can I explain ... it has been such a long time I have given up on false hopes ... really if I cannot change my own behaviour I will have to go into an institution to have it changed under semi-duress. of course it's not really duress and you can walk out the door any time. but a lot of people seem to need that... i don't even know why ..!!

Ivy: 1. he was asleep 2. they know that unless they take advantage seriously badly you will wait. I could have gone home and rang someone else but prefered to walk home with it on me.... as for Madonna my theory is it started as a spoof. he/she got better at spoofing and the spoof turned into a fake. also some people are v gullible. the attention was addictive maybe. i was pretty much taken in by the recent posts. but the first ones were so obviously NOT by Madonna it blew all doubt out of the water

Jeanette: I know I know! I have to 1. be put up on methadone they insist this! even though step 2 is to come off the methadone!!! (in detox) then step 3 is actual rehab. It is a crazy crazy life and they do say psychiatrists are all mad ...

Wayward Son said...

I have a suggestion.

When you write a post about your using experience, it reinforces the attention you give to using. It is important to give some attention to the issue of using as you could not come up with a solution if you did not. Perhaps it would help to reinforce the experience you want to have if you also wrote a fictionalized account of the same experience you would have had if you were not living in service to your addiction.

I think you would be great at the fictionalized account because you are SUCH a creative writer. Anyway, what harm would there be in such a thing. At the very least, you would be giving the world a good dose of your creativity. I, for one, would enjoy that.

At best, this might be a way to stay focused on what you want. And it would counteract the amount of attention being given to what you don't want, your addiction.

I know. It is all the woo-woo thinking around the law of attraction. But if you really examine this concept, it is only saying that getting what you want in life is all about what you give your attention to. It all starts with the thought.

WS

RAFFI said...

yo i thought this would be soemthing you were interested in:

On their own there is a high rate of recovery among alcoholics and addicts, treated and untreated. According to one estimate, heroin addicts break the habit in an average of 11 years. Another estimate is that at least 50% of alcoholics eventually free themselves although only 10% are ever treated. One recent study found that 80% of all alcoholics who recover for a year or more do so on their own, some after being unsuccessfully treated. When a group of these self-treated alcoholics was interviewed, 57% said they simply decided that alcohol was bad for them. Twenty-nine percent said health problems, frightening experiences, accidents, or blackouts persuaded them to quit. Others used such phrases as "Things were building up" or "I was sick and tired of it." Support from a husband or wife was important in sustaining the resolution.
Treatment of Drug Abuse and Addiction -- Part III, The Harvard Mental Health Letter, Volume 12, Number 4, October 1995, page 3.
(See Aug. (Part I), Sept. (Part II), Oct. 1995 (Part III).)

Akelamalu said...

You know it's never too late don't you? It depends on how bad you want it.

Gledwood said...

Wayward: That's a very interesting idea... but am I supposed to post this fictionalized account??

Raffi: ... & the AVERAGE length of a heroin addiction is meant to be 14 years. How depressing. I'm still BELOW average

Akelamalu: I know. Thanx for the support

Gledwood said...

memo to self: go back to:

http://japingape.blogspot.com/

Ms Smack said...

Hey mate, Thanks for stopping by my blog. I've gotta go to work now but I'll pop by later and read some more of your stuff.

x

Wayward Son said...

If you want to post them, yes. It would be an interesting read for anyone. Perhaps it would be more than interesting for you. Perhaps it would be a look into the life you might otherwise have.

I've thought more and more about it. It's a provocative idea this writing about an actual situation and then rewriting a fictional account of it under a different set of circumstances. It is thought that if one can embody a desire, then the desire will manifest itself. A vision, if you will, of how things could be different. It could be helpful for anyone wanting to change their circumstance. It doesn't have to be about addiction. It could be anything.

What do you think?

WS

The Discovering Alcoholic said...

My calling it a "meme" was an exagerration. I had anonymously posted "recovery beckons" the other day on your Gabbly Chat screen just playing around to see how it worked. Lo and behold I was reading one of your posts the following day and someone else other than me had commented with "recovery beckons". Technically maybe a meme, but it would have to be a meme of the lowest order.

Of course I am used to the bottom shelf brands.

M- Filer said...

You are brave to write about such things. I think it is disgusting, just as you do I know, but I hope that you will "know a new freedom".
Don't give up.

jungle jane said...

Gledwood
That's the worst part about being addicted to something illegal - the pissin about trying to hook up with 'the man'.

No sense saying 'how on earth can you get hooked on something like that'. the reality is that you are. all we can do is offer you unconditional support. Addictions are a bitch - i know how often i've slipped up with cigarettes...smack must be fucking ridiculous to quit.

AintNeverScared said...

Wow, I hadn't read these comments until I read your later posting which stated that many readers were sad that you were still using/slipping or whatever. I recently (as I said) slipped too. And I wrote about it.

I'm not going to give an ounce of advice unless you ask. There's so much to quitting if you even want to. But I have done it before, and life really does change. It was quite the experience. But I lived. And I'm a happy person.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood