HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Dream

I WOKE UP at about quarter to one in the afternoon having just dreamt about "Nutnut" my "ex". I wish I had not taken to calling her Nutnut here. That was a name somebody else came up with. Because shorthand seemed to suit the needs of a blog it kind of stuck here. I dreamed of her and woke up missing her and feeling forlorn. Also I dreamed of a young kid breaking into an old lady's home. I could see him crawling in through the curtained window clear as I see this screen now. He got injured and was lying there. The lady called the police. He was about to attack and kill her. Somehow this and Nutnut got mixed up in a dreamlike way. Now I just feel tired, exhausted and more confused for having tried to unravel the unravellable.

Well it's a hot Sunday. The world is kind of swimming past. On days like this, all we need is a beach to run parallel with the high road and this place would be perfect. I've to go up the road later. Mother Hubbs is cooking. Also I have two friends who got clean after thirty years or more of using. They are a he and a she. I suppose I ought to have mentioned them before ... He went onto buprenorphine "Subutex" and came off that way. She just came out of a ten-week hospital detox. For him I have few worries, though he has just been diagnosed with cancer he gives the impression it's one of those livable-with ones. I'm not so sure. As for her: she lived between one person visiting her tiny flat and the next showing up. Drugs came in with the people. I don't see how she is going to live now. I'd always thought she was strong, but lately she seemed to have been getting weaker. I just hope both will be okay.

I have to go because I'm literally out of time. Maybe I should tell more about those two some other time. Sixty years between them on heroin. Sixty years! And both stopped. Amazing ...

16 comments:

Rauf said...

Your dream is like a movie script Gledwood.
i apologise for my late response as i have been traveling. Got back home completely exhausted.

i am no saint, can't offer any suggestions to drug affected people. They need company. Some sincere words of love and encouragement. i have done that all my life, except one all came out of drugs. Good to hear about your friends who came out of it. Please give them company, give them strength. Sincere words can do wonders.

Thanks for stopping by, my active blog is 'Daylight again'

Queenie said...

Thats really good news about your friends, 60yrs gosh thats some years. Tried to work out your dream from my dream book, sorry all I could get was the window could mean new openings coming your way............

依着随心 said...

so lucky to know you via my friend wow.and i feel so happy that you like chinese characters.
if you can understand the auto-translated words,i can put that widget in my blog,haha ,but i'm afraid you can't.
i dont think google can follow my free words.

gledwood said...

60 years between TWO of them - ie 30 years each mind

Rauf: movie script? Do you think so? What I omitted was that a thing about disabled rights was blaring via the TV while I slept... that kind of might have explained the old lady ...

Queenie: hopefully!

依着随心 your comment has just vanished. Hang on a sec

gledwood said...

OK, 依着随心

Oh yeah I love the Chinese characters. Especially the traditional ones. If I had more va-va-voom about me I'd learn Mandarin.

Va-va-voom= sticktoitiveness= the persistent application of natural aptitude sorry I can't make it any plainer than that

gledwood said...

ps what does 依着随心 mean?

gledwood said...

依着随心: oh! I just found out. Chinese Traditional meant ones xxx xxx heart. Chinese Simplified gave "According to one's desires" ... does that make any sense? Please tell me yourself what your name means ... many thanks

Sean from DocintheBox said...

I'm going to have to do more of the random blog searching thing. Most bloggers are stuck in their comfortable little circle that really doesn't change all that much.

Gledwood said...

Random Blog is really entertaining. Just be aware that some people pay to be on higher rotation and some blogs pop up all the time

依着随心 said...

“依着随心”are the words which i described as "free words".google may not tranlate them,and i'm afraid i cant do it,either.my english is so poor.
according to the words,in my opinion,it can means that"upon to one's freely mood,and live a freely life,dont engage oneself to anything".
so my domain name is www.freelydave.net
my name is DaveWong,freely DaveWong.haha.

依着随心 said...

ps:my username is "依著隨心"in traditional chinese characters.they seem the same,if you are't carefull enough.

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

It's not too late to change the name used to refering to your ex if you want to. Just explain the change.

I would love to read more of this two friends who have managed to stop after such a long time on the drugs.

gledwood said...

But 依着随心, when I entered it as traditional it gave a nonsensical translation, when I entered it as simplified, it said that "According to One's Desires" thing

Yeah I will post more about the two Incredibly Clean Ones ... I kind of assumed that SHE wouldn't stick to it for long, where as HE is sticking to it: I may well be wrong.

Yeah I shall tell their story soon (well, more about it)

OK then

Annelisa said...

And, I guess, what your two friends managed to do makes it more possible for you too...

Not impossible, anyhow...

I laughed at what you said to sean from docinthebox about the random blog button... you've managed to turn up on mine 3 times 'accidentally'... two of them by random blog (I think)... I assure you I don't give any money to anyone for that priveledge :-)

You also managed to visit my blogs last night (Forest Dogs) via Liz, who I've only just recently met... smaller blogging world than I thought!!

Oh yes, the other thing I was going to say... you clicked the Mr Linky (seriously, I didn't name the thing!!) for having added the peace globe/ post... c'mon, Gledwood... now you're comitted to actually doing one :-D lol

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood