HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Thinking About Tomorrow

REHAB: THE IDEA is still growing on me. After getting up early I nearly ran slap-bang into my loathesome landlord at five past eight this morning. His very presence is so disagreeable that instantly I was set to thinking, "Surely I cannot live out the rest of my life like this here ..." &c, &c, &c ...

Entering rehab just to get away from it all, I think, is a bad idea. Though the idea of retiring from the world seems unbelievably attractive to me at the minute.

If I did begin the process now, I could enter in August-September. And commence 2008 with a genuine fresh start ...

I have indeed been pondering this quite a lot. But I'm not going to make any rash remarks or implied promises here. And the vague idea of entering Treatment means nothing. You must make up your mind precisely WHERE you intend to go. And considering that place becomes home for 3-6 months (or more) an awful lot of seemingly petty things - like House Rules - must be given some thought. More thought than I gave them last time. (Which is why I get annoyed at being told I "think too much". All too frequently I don't!)

I suppose it would also be handy to have at least a vague view of where I want life to take me afterwards. That I can answer in two syllables: abroad. (But where? I don't know.)

OK. Oh well. We'll see ...


NO TV FOR A FORTNIGHT! What a terrible punishment. Am I "grounded" as well? I think that's the consequences Paris Hilton expected for driving without a valid licence. Though I hope she is not being abused by fellow inmates (it's not as if their lawyers wouldn't pull all the same stunts if roles were switched - is it?) I still think the message sent out by that soft-headed "Sheriff" was outrageous. Confirming at the highest level that there is indeed one law for the rich in America. The judge did right to overrule him. Justice and injustice should not boil down to how much you can pay. Hardly an original sentiment but I'm stewing like my lamb and margarine dumplings just thinking about it.

Want to see George Bush's phantom wristwatch theft in Albania?
The Evidence!
President Bush's Watch stolen - click here.
President Bush's watch not stolen - click here.

I have not watched any television for over two weeks. And more to the point I've not missed it. Five channels of 24-hour rubbish. Soon to be replaced by thirty for everyone once analogue transmissions are finally terminated in 2009 ... I hope I'm in a place where TV doesn't matter as much by then. Like busy doing something worthwhile!


BLAST FROM THE PAST: a book I saw at the clinic two weeks ago was still there last time I called. They can be borrowed by anyone as long as you do bring them back. Don't laugh: it's If Only by Ginger Spice, Geri Halliwell. I don't know how she's viewed elsewhere (if anyone really remembers her) but here she is seen a little bit as an annoying attention-grabber with an empty publicity-seeking existence.

Having said that, she always was my favourite Spice Girl and once she left my interest in them flew to the four winds. Yes - I liked the Spice Girls. As did so many others in this country and across the world in 1997 and 1998. Cast your mind back. They were the biggest pop phenomenon to come out of this country since the Beatles. Easy to turn back and laugh now. But there was a time when "who's your favourite Spice Girl" was on everyone's lips. In a recent poll (about 4 years ago) they got the dubious honour of most unpopular group. The anti-Spice backlash is probably the biggest in popular culture I've ever seen. One moment they were riding high. The next, Geri left, nobody was that interested anymore, the group disbanded and five irritating solo-careers were launched.

I'm just enjoying reading about youth and success and thinking back to a time when things seemed a lot rosier for me as well. In 1998 I wasn't "happy" but was at least doing things ... Sometimes I wish I could get some of my old self back again.

Hmm. I'm shutting up now. As for the future: we shall see ...


SQT said...

Hi, thanks for coming to my blog. Since you asked.... I got my avatar (my picture) right off the net. It's a drawing of Mystique from X-Men. All you have to do to get your own avatar is load one on your profile page on blogger. After that it will show up everytime you make a comment.

Gledwood said...

yeah but how do i do that??

i'm having severe trouble just getting the graphix for my thinking blogger award ...


RUTH said...

When you right click on the award picture it should come up with a list of options...click save and it should allow you to save in a folder on your computer. Then when you post just upload the picture from that folder.
Really hope the decision you make about Rehab is the right one.

Sarah said...

Hey there. Saw you on PTC's blog and wanted to stop by and say hello. I'm in recovery myself and if you ever want to chat let me know. Somedays it's beautiful and some days it really sucks. Rehab saved my life, I have no doubt.

Take care

maiylah said...

hi! hey, thanks for dropping by my blog(s).
interesting read here. congratulations on getting the Thinking Blogger Award! cool ... :)
btw, you can make comments on my "other" blog ... just click on the words there that says "do share some thoughts" (found on top of the picture). ;)

take care, and thanks again! :)

Naomi Joy said...

do you know how to upload? there is a help page.


and check out the blogger basic links. that will tell you how to upload a photo to your profile and to individual posts. Anyway hope it helps. u can ask me if u need anymore explaining.

Mousie said...

hello my friend...rehab program...travel abroad...many projects...that 's good...if you need a mean of transport I could lend you a magic bubble...
Take care

Gledwood said...

sqt: I want one of those

Ruth: I'm going to probably have to give up on displaying my medal I don't know how to do it

Sarah: thanks I will get in touch ... if I ever do sort "it" out (u know what I mean)

Maiylah: I will have to look for that little "facility" on the other blog ... never saw it (obviously) first time :: the pixx were fantastic

Naomi: I went to Blogger and got distracted by their terms and conditions (ie we provide a service and owe you nothing bc it is free ... well fair enough but ho-hum ...)

Mousie: I might ask for that magic bubble


sorry i took so long to reply i am v remiss sometimes

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood