HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, June 25, 2007

My Drug Story: Part 1: Genesis

BECAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE ASKED this and because it's a complex tale to tell (with an extended flirtation in the beginning spanning several years until I ever became familiar enough with it ever to feel casual enough around heroin to become a daily user ... I have a lot of memories to sort through in my head, a lot of remeniscences I'd actually really rather forget. And a lot of explaining to do: to myself, really, not to you. but it's all a tangle and prising the bundled-up lot of it undone and laying it out in chronologial order let alone summoning the sense to explain half of it is going to take some doing. And though I may find myself doing this; I'm rather loathe to post in two or more parts (stop press: I'm going to have to...) unless so doing definitely makes sense ... (stop press: it does ...)

So please bear with me as I dig (it's a complicated history with all manner of stop-starts in the beginning) dig deep shovel my muck out and try to make at least some sense out of how the squarest boy in my class at school could wind up a decade later as an injecting heroin addict. Whilst the others are settled down, married homeowners with kids, careers and divorces under their belts: all the normal stuff. I must pause and ask the question: How did this happen to me~??

Actually (and think of how bizarre is this!?) I was an inpatient in a mental hospital when an item came on the evening news about drugs programmes in women's prisons. And who should they feature? But the same little girl (a grown woman now, of course) ~ hair dyed but definitely the same person and looking good considering ... who I used to walk to primary school with for a time ... Here she was, in prison for a three-year stretch. Why? Because of the same stuff that had pretty much put me in hospital: heroin. Just like me she was a junkie. They say at NA that addiction's an illness with a chronic course whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions and death... Death, the last of these, has taken too many people I've known. Jail I've avoided by stubbornly refusing to get involved in dodgy schemes. So it was the "institutions" that got me ... Living with a mad woman I'd met on the street it didn't take too long till I went crazy myself ...

*

GENESIS. HOW IT ALL BEGAN:
I FIRST HEARD OF "DRUGS" aged about 13.
Leafind through a 1960s medical text I came across a write-up of the substances available at the time: " ... LSD, amphetamines, barbiturates, cocaine ... heroin ... " I don't remember reading about the dreaded "pot". But it must have been there. It was never around me and so never an issue.

In my teens drugs were taken by scruffy, rough people who I had nothing to do with. And the drugs of choice (this was 1980s rural Wales) seemed to be cannabis (back then ~ mosty hash I'd guess) and magic mushrooms. These grew in profusion in the Welsh countryside and hit the local "cat pu tree" newspapers when police raided scruffy hippies' caravans, pulling out hundred of the dried little "liberty caps" into daylight ...

Aparently the local cows and sheep graze these, standing wide-eyed at their water troughs and watching faeries dancing on top as the world goes paisley-patterned by (or whatever it is tripping livestock see ...) They get very territorial voer their mushroom patches and will aggressively shoo away hapless humans who come to pick their stashes ...

So anyway I took no drugs at all at school. Between tehn and university my one experience of drugs was watching some Dutch guitar-strumming musicians passing a herbal ciggie to and fro in France. I suppose I must have known what was in it, but cannabis never held any appeal to me. Unlike most people, I suppose, the idea that a drug was "weak" made it less appealing. If I was going to try anything, I wanted something strong!

When I went off to university everything changed when a girl form my course, who looked like Daryl Hannah, asked if I'd ever tried ecstasy. Just looking at me the answer was so obviousy "no" but she invited me to a party that weekend nonetheless.

A couple of days beforehand we made an appointment for me to try a spliff. I duly turned up armed with notebook and pen (such a student! I don't know why we didn't set up a reel-to-reel tape recording as well to really immortalize the experience! Seriously!!)

Cannabis, it transpired, was just a cigarette that made me dizzy. To try proper drugs, I'd have to wait till that weekend ...

***

And here endeth part one. Seriously: remembering ... You don't know how tiring this is!!

***

to be continued ...

29 comments:

Tickersoid said...

There, but for the grace of God, go I.

Gledwood said...

There but for the grace of God goes everyone I think!!

Lippy said...

Good luck with the detoxing - hope it goes OK.
I wish you through the other side of it , and safe.

Paul said...

This is totally irrational, but I sometimes feel jealous of people who do drugs in their youth and then get over it.

I never smoked, never did drugs - just didn't really have any reason to want to, was aware of the risks and the kids I hung around with weren't into it.

And all my adult life I jogged.

Then at age 37 I come down with a progressive illness - thirteen years and counting. So I figure I should have gotten wasted more as a youth... ?

Ellee said...

This is real soul searching stuff, I look forward to the next instalment.

gledwood said...

Lippy: Thanks. I'm not even booked in for it yet... have to sort out local government funding 1st ... then find a rehab to follow on from the detox ... ho-hum ...

Yeah but Paul I never got over it... read the story till the end!

Ellee: this time tomorrow. I'm scribbling it on paper as we speak ... (well kind of ...) ...

gledwood said...

Lippy has anyone told you you might possibly be wearing too much make-up ... "LOL" "LOL" "LOL" ... wow imagine turning up to the solicitors' office lookin' like that ... is that why u blog in disguise??!?

gledwood said...

Everyone on "Madonna's" blog says "LOL" when they fear they might have offended her royal harness .../unemployed guy in East End of London with Madonna fantasty prob./whatever

I'm convinced the blogging "Madonna" is 1. male and 2. british bc he gets American terms wrong like attourney = barrister not solicitor. Also he dropped himself in it by declaring Madonna had read ,Harry Potter and the Hen-Pecked Giblets when everyone knows no-one but no-one save Her (J. K. Rowling's) editor and agent get to read said novel ahead of publication ... ho-hummmmmm.

gledwood said...

oh maybe attorney doesn't mean that but hey ... think of those Henpecked Giblets ... out at a bookstore near you very soon!

RUTH said...

It's all too easy to get sucked in.....thank goodness you are letting us all know the perils/hurt/anguish etc and hopefully!!! how to pull yourself out of it all.
Rx
to Paul; maybe you wouldn't have seen 37 if you'd turned to drugs...many don't. Wishing you the best that can be under the circumstances you're in.

Gledwood said...

yup Ruth ...and it's to be continued tomorrow (well I've barely started yet!)

AintNeverScared said...

Man,do I RELATE. I often write in my journal, trying to get my entire story out, parts of my past, and it is exhausting.

Interestingly, I always felt the exact same way as you: if it's just some weak, silly drug, like Robo-tripping (what the kids over here do with Robitussin) or weed, I don't want it. Drugs should be STRONG. That's the attitude with which I started my habit too.

Hey Lady said...

Whoa. I've never been tempted to experiment. I can be a real anal control freak. Shit, I hated being under anaesthesia for my dental surgery! The thought of being totally incapable of controlling my body freaks me the hell out.

Of course, my control-freakness is also probably one more reason why I've never had the big "O", so...

I guess you win some and lose some, eh?

Best of luck with the detox. Have you thought of picking up something else to do? Am I being a complete dork by suggesting crochet, knitting or yoga? (God, I LOVE yoga.)

mellowlee said...

As tiring as remembering is, thank you for sharing with us XOXOXO

Audrey said...

It is tiring Gledwood and it also takes courage to write as openly honestly and frankly as you do here. I admire you and wish you continuing strength and courage in any decisions you make.

Thank you for sharing and raising my awareness.

Puss-in-Boots said...

Tiring but courageous, Gleds. Keep telling us about it...I think the pitfalls should be made known...but some will always try for themselves, won't they? Hopefully it's a bit cathartic for you, too.

Hugs

nash said...

Hi Gledwood,
I'm looking forward to reading Part II (and beyond). You might inspire me to write about my own initiation into drugs...

Tea & Margaritas in My Garden said...

Wishing and hoping you make it to the other side finally. It must be awful. Thanks for writing about it. Your sheep scene amidst the mushrooms gave me a chuckle.
As for margaritas...yeah, they`re quite popular here. Frozen usually into a nice lime sweet and sour slush. I could get addicted to them very easily, but tequila`s too expensive to drink very often.

tea
xo

rebekah fox said...

Cheers for commenting on my blog again... yeah, it was a rainy weekend down here too. Anyway, thanks for sharing that post with people, i look forward to the next installment... i think your honesty is real good and helpful for others. I completely understand how tiring remembering is though.

Dan said...

Fascinating stuff Gleds. But if you find this tiring, don't continue my friend. Give yourself a break. Hugs to you.

Akelamalu said...

Easy to start but hard to stop. I really hope you get the funding.

Melanie said...

This must be very difficult for you. I can't imagine. I hope that being able to blog about your feelings will help you beat your addictions.

gledwood said...

memo to self: twominutesthirtyseconds.blogspot!

gledwood said...

OK folks: part II is comin' up shortly ...

Naomi Joy said...

hey thanks for sharing your story! it may be hard but I definitely want to know the rest!

Gledwood said...

It is very tiring ... I've just spent ... well it was "only" 45 minutes typing out that "part 2" post but man! how exhausted I am!!

There but for the grace of God goes anyone who is more sensible than me!

Thanks for the messages everyone!

meeyauw said...

I heard it this way: alcohol leads to only three things: death, jail, or insanity. Then it was alcohol and drugs lead to only three things . . .

What is spliff? A joint (marijuana cigarette)?

I am slowly making my way through the story. It is spell-binding.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood