HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Slippery Saturday; Sullen Sunday

I HATE SUNDAYS! I SURELY DO!! ... So I stayed in bed as late as I possibly could, which involved sleeping about 12 or 13 hours till past two in the afternoon ... I know everyone's dissapointed with me because I "slipped" yesterday ... maybe it says something that I posted it quite unawares of the fact 1. that I had slipped or 2. what anyone would think about it... this situation has been ongoing for such a very long time with so many repetitions that it's no longer any surprise or letdown or shame to me to be doing what I always was doing despite the best intentions (at whatever point in time before hand) to change my ways, to be doing otherwise.

THAT is why they wanted me to think about rehab again. Though I'm not keen on the thought of going somewhere to do what I should be able to do for myself ... if I can't then rehab remains the only option ...

***

DIDN'T really do anything of interest except had Sunday lunch at my friend's house. It's got awfully nondrinking nonsmoking there (but still drugs on occasion, not that they had any there) ... I had to go in the back garden for a simple cigarette... I'd even like to give up those; but one thing at a time. I always thought it was best to give up cigarettes first if I could as I've seen so many clean addicts absolutely chained to the nicotine as their last vice and luxury (though I suppose "luxury" is an odd way of seeing it ...) And what exactly do cigarettes do for anyone anyhow? They're barely mood altering. The tiniest little lift ever accompanies dragging on a cig ... Well stopping is going to get easier as smoking is to be banned practically everywhere from this summer. Even phone boxes have signs in (that I originally took to be a joke) "it is illegal to smoke in these premises" ... (well it will be) ...

ho-hum ...

Whatever I do I will keep you updated ...

13 comments:

Oceanshaman said...

Hey Gledwood . . .

Glad you liked the Warriors of the Rainbow video. Post it all you like . . .

When you get a chance, go back to my blog and read the very first post back in archives. It tells my story . . .

I'm a fellow alcoholic, addict, chemical dependent. Never got to needles or rock, not because I wasn't headed in that direction, but because I got my ass handed to me and hit by bottom beforehand. I was pretty much into percs and powder, washed down with copious quantities of beer and some xanax to sleep when the party was over. I relapse in my head every day, but somehow make it through with prayer, tai chi, sitting meditation, and a meeting.

I know where you're at. Keep talking about it. Keep sharing. Keep working through it.

We're seekers. We just have to figure out how to achieve peace, balance, and serenity without the instant gratification and eventual ass-whooping of drugs and alcohol . . .

You know where to find me . . .

PI said...

Thanks for dropping by.

Alexys Fairfield said...

Gledwood,
Sounds like you're swirling in uncertainty. Even if you don't like the idea of rehab, it may offer something that you can't get on your own. We all have our struggles, sometimes it takes going outside of ourselves to get inside ourselves and put ourselves back together.

Change is difficult at first, but once you do it, the dark clouds separate and you see through the heavens. But you have to really WANT to change. If you really want to change, the people will be there to help. Remember Fields Of Dreams? "If you build it, he will come."

Be well.

gledwood said...

Thanks everyone!
Shaman I've not seen your 1st post yet but will go... Pi keep matriarching like the best of them ... and Alexys thanks for the support

La Muck said...

Ok, this is not meant to offend but to amuse:

Tips: Irritate the shite out of anyone that will give or sell you drugs, shout at them embarass yourself in front of them, hey, walk around with a t-shirt that says ' I got drugs off them [arrow]. If you can't stay away, make sure they do (sociopathic tendencies are appalling, but here they help). Forget your pin number, then you can only use cards. Move somewhere where you know no users, this may mean leaving your friends for a while bu it is something you need to do. Keep active. Even if it is dancing for hours on your own in your room. Sometimes it is boredom, and not some deep soul-searching is what gets you into it.

I'm struggling with the cigs, and occasionally I still have one too many drinks, but no more need for booze and drugs. It is a constant battle, one which I have seen many people lose. One day at a time and don't wallow if you slip, punish yourself with exercise (just exercise, nowt else, mind)

Good luck. Enjoy life with your eyes open and your brain functioning.

Lord Milky said...

Hello Gledwood. Thought I'd pop over as you asked nicely. I'll be giving you a read tomorrow whilst I pretend to do some work!

Cheers

Chuana said...

Hi Gledwood, it was nice of you to comment on my blog. It sure was funny to know how you got there :) Sorry for only answering now.

All the best
Chuana :)

TTQ said...

It's past midnight your tiome, I hope you got to some sleep without your fix. Not sure how you stumbled on to my blog, as I only see two blogs on your sidebar that I read, but I don't comment on them.. Very rarely do I comment on mental health or sobriety, I like to keep my blogging as light and humourous as possible (though occasionaly I rant). I see enough struggle of both diseaeses everyday in real life. But I do read those type of blogs.
Good wishes on getting clean and staying clean. Remember it's easier to stay clean than to get clean. Sometimes you have to give up the drink as well to get the drug addiction kicked. either way you can get off the elevator at anytime..you don't have to take it all the way down. though most people do. *shrug* It's your choice.

Deb said...

hey, feel no shame here. Your honesty is refreshing and it's an ongoing process, not an immediate thing. I think you're on your way and noone should expect that this will happen overnight.

Just keep trying, that's all. We're behind you. :)

jungle jane said...

i really don't think anyone is in a position to be 'disappointed' unless they too have been hooked on smack and understand exactly what its like to try and get clean.

it's really not that simple - if it was, i doubt anyone would be addicted to anything.

Allen Carr's quit smoking theory is interesting - i often wonder if it applies to all addictions. just substitute the word 'heroin' for nicotene. sounds like it could be a similar theory...

Gerusa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood