HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Bodily Functions

This is one of my favourite posts from my old blog: http://gledwood.blogspot.com

START TAKING HEROIN, it'll do little for you at first. Except for the unfortunate likelihood you'll end up with your head down the loo, you may well wonder (as you puke your guts up) what all the fuss is about. Heroin - the ultimate high?

Let me set one myth straight right there. Speaking as one who's tried everything going I can announce that heroin is not the ultimate high.
Heroin kills pain, so the more pain you're in the more it kills. (It might also kill you - so if you must experiment, go easy.)

One less well-publicized fact about heroin: it will only give you its full effects once it's got you hooked. Yep, there's a short-lived honeymoon phase when the drug is stealing your natural endorphins (the brain's feelgood chemicals) so you feel worse without it and without them. And yet every dose you do take fills you right up to the brim.

Then the law of diminishing returns kicks in. I barely noticed until it was too late, that everything it gave me with the one hand it was theiving back with the other.

I can't deny that heroin appeals to the susceptible with its inverse glamour. (It appealed to me as the one thing my druggie friends considered taboo. They said it was uncool: I just thought they were scared of it.)

Somehow, though, grainy photographs of mashed-up rockstars and hollow-eyed models can't quite capture the daily growing misery that no amount of drugs can ever quite cover up - or the bleak reality of withdrawals at dawn. (No-one ever seems to be around to photograph them.)

That's right - ten years on and your head is still down the toilet. Only now you're retching when the drugs aren't there!

The end result of heroin (not counting lost veins, abscesses, overdoses and half your friends having died over the years) is nothing more exciting than an added bodily function, one that costs money to relieve. Imagine waking up in the early morning busting for a pee. You are forced to wait till well past nine o'clock when the man has troubled to get himself out of bed, taken his kids to school (maybe - drug dealers breed like cockroaches, they're always laden down with babies), had breakfast, made himself feel okay, bothered to make his way to your neck of the woods - ie add another hour at least and cross your legs because it's probably going to take longer than that. Once the dealers realize a junkie will wait as long as it takes because they need their dealers (in the short-term) more than the dealers need them. Then imagine you're charged TEN POUNDS sterling (€15; US$20; Aussie $25; Rs Indian 700 etc etc) well I mean a lot of money - it's all relative.

Twelve hours later - tops - the entire situation repeats itself over again. So if you ain't got more money, you'd better think fast and smart and get moving...

So your happiness goes into the hands of criminals. As does every spare penny you've got.

Heroin? I don't recommend it.

26 comments:

Kate said...

Hey, Gledwood-

Good analogy in todays' entry. I've missed a few days, so I'll have to come back and get caught up.

Thanks for taking an interest in Four Corners. It is indeed the intersecting borders of Utah, Colorado, New Mexico and Arizona. The quality of our roads change state by state and even county by county, but the added wrinkle is that the whole area is the Navajo Indian Reservation (It's massive. We call it the Navajo Nation.), so they have their own road system, if you can call it that. So, you drive down this dirt road to a turn-off and go past a booth where you pay something like $4 a person. I think that $$ goes to the reservation. Then there's this big concrete slab with the four states demarkated on it and the flags of each state. It's a little strange, 'cause it's in the middle of the desert, an hour's drive from anything. American grown-ups kind of roll their eyes, but kids and international tourists like to be in four states at once, I guess. My daughter was thrilled. I have a picture - I'll post it in a few days.

The Navajo have booths set up out there, too, to sell jewely, food, souvenirs. I bought some earrings (I have an earring fettish) from a lady and talked to her a little about the Navajo language, which kind of interests me. It's the only Native American language that is still widely spoken as a first langauge, before people learn English. I was always under the mistaken inpression that other big tribes like Cherokee or Lakota also spoke their languages initially, English second. It's sad that they don't - those languages are dying. I asked the lady, who was about 60; she said English was her second language, but,"These young mothers, it's all English nowadays." Sorry - I'm rambling. I get that way about language. That's Four Corners, at any rate.

OCD On A Stick said...

Thanks for adding my blog to your blog links.

I enjoy your humorous insight on addictions. I hope to read more of your blog soon.

isabella mori said...

"your happiness is in the hand of the criminals" - yeah, that's a stark image. (only this happiness is more like a lack of feeling absolutely miserable, isn't it?)

btw, heroin users aren't the only ones who spend time with their heads in toilets. another addiction - bulimia - grants that dubious pleasure, too.

Wayward Son said...

That's a damn good post. It's well written, truthful and clearly understood. I'm going to spread it around as much as I can if you don't mind.

WS

Deb said...

excellent description gled.

You know, I don't know how it happened, but in the neighbourhood I grew up in we lost several people to heroin in a very short span. It was a neighbourhood where we all grew up together - parents got together and the kids all knew each other. And then heroin came along (it was mostly the older siblings of my friends) and within a 5-10 year span, we'd lost close to a dozen people. Most overdosed, two blew their brains out and one hung himself. So sad...I don't think any of them ever imagined it'd kill them.

I'm curious as to how/why/when you first tried it.

Tea & Margaritas in My Garden said...

Good post. I watched a program once on tv about being addicted to it. Sure wish they could somehow get rid of that and crack. "Oh natural" is what should be spent less time chasing after. Look after the stuff that really does the damage.
As for you`re wanting to travel....go for it!

tea
xo

sadgirl said...

Hi Gledwood

Perhaps your desire to travel could be the incentive you need to get clean? The world is your oyster sort of thing. You have everything to gain in getting clean. If you cannot do it for yourself, do it for other people in your life. When suffering from suicidal thoughts my pdoc told me I had got to put other people first in spite of the excrutiating mental pain. So do it for the others.

cheerio
sadgirl x

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

-(It appealed to me as the one thing my druggie friends considered taboo. They said it was uncool: I just thought they were scared of it.)

This should have been the hint. It was about the only sensible choice I made as a kid, because I certainly tried everything else else.

I think part of the problem IS current drugs education. If you tell kids cannabis is almost as bad as heroin, they smoke cannabis and then think heroin is not much more dangerous.

Our current drug laws create, not reduce addiction.

Akelamalu said...

If I was tempted to take Heroin reading your post would put me off, no worries!
Thanks for stopping by my place.

Josh said...

Great post. Story over here in US about mom snorting heroine in front of her kid at a Wal-Mart! Crazy stuff.

Thanks for stopping by Gabbatha. I'll be sure to come back.

Merle said...

Hi Gledwood ~~ Great post and tell the story of heroin so well. I hope you can get clean and out of it's control or the meds you have to replace it with. I wish you the very best of luck. Thanks for the comments
I am glad you enjoy some of what I post. You look after yourself,
Regards, Merle.

pink ginger 珂琳 said...

Great post and so true!!! Glad to read the last line : Heroin - you don't recommend.

Thanks for you kind words over my blog. Hope you're doing well, Gledwood.

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Great post, my friend. It was informative, educational and hopefully some one out there will heed your warnings. Peace.

Mike M said...

Great blog! I will be back for more!!

-0-0-

Sarah said...

great post. needs to be said.

Naomi Joy said...

great post! I might steal it and put it on my blog if you don't mind? we'll see.

RAFFI said...

damn gled! reminded me of films like 'basketball diaries' and 'trainspotting' and 'requiem for a dream', to name a few. heroin sounds so rough, almost like a torture. it was crazy to hear about all your friends that haven't made it.

Gledwood said...

I don't mind if anyone nicks it. Just please give my name, url AND a highlighted linkback!!

many thanks

Katarina Ducrozet said...

my friend terry just dided of a heroin overdose, we havent hung out in years and i heard he was back on, then now i get these news.

Edyta said...

"Heroin? I dont recommend it"
I am with u here. Not even once :S

Anonymous said...

YOUVE GOT SOME GOOD POINTS HERE. SO THE QUESTION STILL REMAINS , WHAT IS THE BEST "HIGH" . THE FIRST TIME I TOOK LSD , WELL THAT WAS A HIGH ILL NEVER FORGET , LIKE DOPE THOUGH , THE FIRST LSD HIGH WAS NEVER REPETED FOR ME . POT IS GOOD FOR ME , IF YOUR NOT GETTING OFF ANYMORE AFTER A DAY OF TOKING , TAKE A NAP AND YOUR BRAND NEW . NO SICKNESS NO SHAKES NO SWEATSNOTHING . THE ONLY REAL SIDEEFFECT FOR ME IS A FEW EXTRA POUNDS FROM EATING ANYTHING I CAN FIND AT 2AM ! NOT SO BAD .

pat said...

I came over to take a look at your blog and from what I gather, you have an addiction to heroin. No lecture here. You have been to my blog and therefore already know my son is an addict too. If I have learned anything in the last eight years, it is an addict will not get clean and sober until they are ready to do so. I hope your time comes along soon but in the meantime come back over and read my updates because you need support. When you are ready, you will enter that rehab and work the program. You take care. I will keep you in my thoughts. And if you ever do make it to New York, come down and see Philadelphia. It is just a few hours away.

Gledwood said...

I'm glad everyone liked this post; as I said it was originally written last year I think for my old blog. But I thought it made the salient point quite vividly ...

Katarina I'm v sorry about your friend ...

isabella mori said...

wow - obviously i wasn't the only one who liked this post ...

yes, katarina, sorry about your friend.

and i TOTALLY agree with crushed by ingsoc:

"I think part of the problem IS current drugs education. If you tell kids cannabis is almost as bad as heroin, they smoke cannabis and then think heroin is not much more dangerous."

... and they also think you're full of you-know-what. when those drug educators spout such nonsense, the kids turn off and don't hear those parts of the message that are useful.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood