HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, June 22, 2007

Late Day Early Night

THIS IS LATE FOR ME. 11:26pm as I write. Because I foolishly lay down for "five minutes" haha! That turned into much more like five hours... Because the solstice was yesterday it remained light till something like ten thirty p.m. (surely not literally that long? But it felt like it. I know it can stay light till about ten because I remember staying out that late as a child.) ... Brains still not in gear... they want me to take hep C tests again ... I don't think I've got that anyway ... on a lighter note I've found these French bread rolls called briochettes. You get about eight for £1 and they're really yellow because they're full of sugar and egg, which makes them soft like bread should bee (crusty bread~ ukk!). See what happens when I force self to write yet with nothing to say. I'm going back to lalaland ... nightnight ...

... aa! But those bread rolls= the business!

***

Here's some words of wisdom purloined from Sit With Me Awhile ...

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in
front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large
and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then
asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the
jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas
between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was
full.

They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the
jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and
poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space
between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to
recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the
important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends
and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they
remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house
and your car.

The sand is everything else---the small stuff. "If you put the sand
into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the
golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy
on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are
important to you.

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play
with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your
spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to cl ean
the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the things
that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee
represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,
there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

19 comments:

Anonymous said...

"Sit with me awhile" this is the blog I found when logging out of google just now:

http://slgb65.blogspot.com/

it is good

Gledwood said...

come on! I posted a long pears of wisdom thang below and still it's yet to appear .... com ON

Deb said...

I loved that gled. Great post! (And I agree that the crusty stuff's gotta' go)

Shaz said...

Hi Gled. Pleased you liked our blog. There's no special reason it's set out that way other than I like it too. I don't follow my stats. If people want to visit, stay a while, comment etc that's good, if not that's up to them. Feel free to pop by any time you like x x

Akelamalu said...

I have seen that before, but it never fails to move me.

I like soft bread too!

The one said...

Hi Gledwood

Hows it going today? Have you decided whether to try and kick the drugs yet? I look forward to your next post.

ttfn sadgirl x

Audrey said...

What a great find, a real pearl of wisdom. I wish I liked briochettes they look so tempting but they are too sweet for my tooth, I prefer crusty and savoury........with poppy or sesame seeds on top :)

Edyta said...

HAHA!
i soooooooooooooo know what a 5 minute nap means! espesh in ,my school days. LOL. I'd come back from school, lay down for a sec-ya know, it was hard- but that sec turned out to be 2 hours... & guess why i was going to bed at 12 am & waking up at 6.30 am? cuz of those goddamn 5 minute naps. LOL!

"It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,
there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

Not only that, but there is also room to change for a better life! At least i hope so!

Becky Fox said...

Hey, thanks for the comment you left on my blog a little while back. I'm finding your blog real interesting too. I like the fact you write so honestly about stuff. I'm battling with severe epilepsy right now, and have to take tons of drugs for that, which leave me in a spaced out state... nothing like your drugs obviously, but still it's good to read about your stuff. Like the pearl of wisdom you included there too. Anyway, cheers for the read. Becky

Gledwood said...

Debs: I'm glad you agree. Soft bread rolls ("baps") = proper, crusty = vulgar (& they actually paint on especially egg white/ (or nowadays probably Glaxxo chemicals) to make it go horribly crusty... how terrible ..!

Sadgirl: That's the point; I cannot say any definite "when" because all my drug-addicted life I've been making such promises. Sorry to sound so limp about it, but that's as specific as I can be. I'm just not willing to make anything resembling any kind of promise because of what happened before. When it happens it happens and that is all I can say. Sorry I cannot be any more precise than that ...

Audrey: Glad someone else knows briochettes. They're fantastic aren't they. I wish I had not eaten the first one with garlicky hummous(!) tho and had some premium bramble conserve or double cream and something nice with which to Devonshire-cream-tea it up a bit ...

Gledwood said...

Akelamalu: Good!

Edyta: of course there's always room to change to a better life no matter what situation you're in. That's what life means. Otherwise ~ if you can't change ~ you're not living, you're already dead.

:

Gledwood said...

ooer that's me buggered up that comment. it was not meant to all come out in bold. ho~hum...

Gledwood said...

Rebekah Fox: Glad my (adopted) pearls clang bells of familiarity, so to speak. As I said I got it from a blog called Sit With Me Awhile which I'd never even come across till tomorrow evening ...

Shaz: Likewise. Thanks for the lovely message

Gledwood said...

Shaz: I recently got over 10,000 hits as well ... no the only reason I asked about stats was because my counters don't seem to measure how much time anyone's spent on my blog unless they do more than one "page view" otherwise it counts their visit as 0 mins 00 seconds ... I thought that might be the reason for your unusual format ... why did you choose to format it like that then??

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Good find, Gledwood. Thanks for sharing. It was very clever and the message wise. Hope you've got all your golfballs! :)

Andree said...

Never had briochettes or brioche (spelling?). I just make my own bread.

I don't understand why it stays light so long there, solstice or not. I'm at the 45th parallel and it stays light till about 9:30 PM. Now I have to figure this one out.

grrrrrrrr

Andree said...

Forgot to say how much I like that mayonnaise jar story. Until the coffee/friends ending which was weak. The rest was outstanding and I'm saving it.

Tatyanna (and Dorian too) said...

Ah, you see? We writers (and you, like me, are a writer by nature, I can tell) must force ourselves to practice our craft each day even when we "have nothing to say." I liked the story and I've had that kind of bread before -- DELICIOUS.

Tatyanna (and Dorian too) said...

BTW, I wrote a little something about my own issues with drug abuse. I'm just starting to really face matters and come to terms. Stop by the blog and give it a read if you get the chance. I would like that.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood