HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

LIVE FROM LONDON

Gledwoods deutscher Blog

Bitte hier klicken ...

DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, June 01, 2007

Vulgar Noises

I'VE VERY LITTLE TIME to post to I'll make this brief: more stew (neck of lamb), Enid's gone to the Turkish lady in the corner shop who wants to learn more English. And glancing upon my burgeoning cupboard this evening I caught sight of something I found in a local alleyway many months ago but lacked the requisite electrical adaptor ... checked the back of this thing and the front of my tiny-TV adaptor and -- presto! -- the wonders of synthesized music boom out for my entire building to hear! I've so far inflicted Ave Maria (from the stored songs catalogue) at top blast 180 bpms, Jingle Bells and Silent Night. Other classics coming soon to divest Laundretta and Matran of their undeserved sleepy mellow afternoons!

Back tomorrow

G

PS In response to Bag's remark: the Blyton book I found and it just grabbed me ... the music didn't come from a cd player or radio it was the preset tunes in a Casio synthesizer!

12 comments:

Evil Spock said...

Evil Spock is glad that we're not neighbors.

Anonymous said...

for more reasons than one!!

Bag said...

Strange choice of music and reading material.

I've not read Enid Blyton for a long long time. Her Five series was the first set I collected.

Anonymous said...

I only found this book by chance ... I've had such ill-luck concentrating on anything yet that somehow grabbed me ...

the music wasn't coming from a radio/cd player that was a synthesizer with pre-set tunes!

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Hello, Gledwood. It's me from Sicily! This looks like a great blog and I like your honesty in your profile. I'll be back tomorrow. Meanwhile, I think your music choices are classy.

RUTH said...

I prefer lamb stew to beef stew...Silent Night & Jingle Bells!!! don't make me think about Christmas...haven't paid for the last one yet!...LOL
Rx

Merle said...

Hi Gledwood ~~ Thanks for your message. I see some of my friends have commented - Robyn and Lee and even my brother Peter.
Glad to hear that the ICE message is getting across for cell phones and
hope yours continues to work. I have
never owned one. Take care, Regards,
Merle.

Jo said...

You have a lovely blog, well catch up with the rest of the reading later date.

Plenty of links of other fellow aussies also if your interested.

Have a great week, and c u around.

Jeanette said...

thank you for your kind words and visit. I had bowel cancer 3 years ago and had major surgery to remove part of my bowel.

Wow im glad im not next door with your loud music playing, all my kids had Enid Blyton books.

Deb said...

hi Gled...haven't been around much. It's been so beautiful out so I've been out and about after work. I see I've got a lot of catching up to do here.

Those electronic keyboards can be a lot of fun. Funny, I scared away someone with my headphones of all things...I posted about it.

Have a good day my friend, going to get caught up on what you've been doing.

Gledwood said...

i don't normally play loud music
in fact it was me who got brahms's lullaby round and round and round at 4am
but it did its job
i could barely move to get up at 1030 this morn

Nicole said...

The only thing possibly worse than a synthesizer is a banjo.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood