When I Find* My Winning Scratch Card ....

*AND I DO FIND THINGS: Just found five Richmond Superkings cigarettes in a packet five minutes after posting this ...

DEEP AGAIN SLEEP AGAIN ... two thirty pm rising?? Seriously what is this. I've sat here plotting my life out. Not just the past that I've told you but the future.

There are, at present £77,777 lottery cards being sold everywhere. And every time I see a dropped ticket or scratchcard I have to pick it up and check it. Why? Because one time I was forlornly traipsing up the road in search of dropped money (admittedly if it's there to find I'm excellent at spotting it. But of course people just do not tend to drop £20 notes on London's pavements. And when they do, such notes don't stay undiscovered for very long. Also, Londoners are such litterbugs the streets must be swept several times a day with sit-on lawnmower sized great sucking, whirling cleaning devices, like the Teletubbies' NooNoo. Anyway this one Sunday eve I found a footprinted, creased and muddy lotto card. Checked the nine amounts of money ... hang on! £25 came up three times. So I ran straight to the corner shop. Got a very funny look (which somehow made it all the more worthwhile). The man had no discretion but to pay my £25. Of course within half an hour £20 of this was spent ...

Anyway if I won £77,777 tax-free what would I do with it? The question focused my mind on what I actually want to do with my life. And the answer was surprising. Far from go on another binge, I'd actually call the private clinic I know straight away. For just under £5000 they will take me to a semi-secret location where I will be knocked out under general anaesthesia for three days. During this time I will be dosed with naltrexone, which knocks all heroin and methadone off the brain's receptors. I will wake up feeling terrible but with the worst of withdrawals already gone through. And more to the point I'll already have been fitted with a subcutaneous naltrexone patch that blockades the effects of all opiates for over six weeks. (This is the treatment Pete Doherty went through.)

Unlike Pete Doherty, for me the drugs "don't work" ... or to put it another way, even when they do "work" they're somehow unsatisfactory. I'm rapidly approaching the point where "clean" is more exciting than using has been for a long time.

With the rest of the money I would pay off my debts (which come to less than £5000 in total), then fly off to pastures new across the world (have always wanted to see South East Asia. And you can be as cynical as you like on my motivations for going but I'll be opiate blockaded so it will have to be beaches, temples and elephants I pay my attentions to, not the local pharmaceuticals. Using other drugs whilst heroin-clean was so horrible in my last experience I never want to go there again ...

Then I will chose some place somewhere that I want to live, go live there. And inflict my writings on the international reading public because now I'm clean I'm desperate for some creative project ...

And ~ ta-daaa!! ~ that's my £77,777 (or more!) fantasy!!

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RIGHTY-HO it's 2111hrs I'm just about to tap in today's installment. Good news: it is short. Bad news: it is not the last. Should be done within half an hour ...

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OK this is something purloined from a comment at nicole's ... (stop press: and then edited bc I read thru and it was near-nonsense...

that £77,777 post did you get what i meant (thanks for the offer though! haha!!) ... that i actually checked myself in a daydream that i wanted to be clean... most daydreams upto now (also, daydreaming is something i pretty much stopped doing since i got addicted, which is odd, since i used to do it all the time)... most daydreams upto now involved having a million or more pounds and being able to use myself to death... see. not that i was necessarily suicidal but even in the daydream i acknowledged i'd get myself in a state. which kind of self-aborted the fantasy

yeah clean, how odd. i really want to be clean

but of course it never is as simple as that. i'm trying to urge the clinic to put me into anaesthetic detox which they probably won't do (never done it before)... but why not? oh & so on....

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Southeast Asia? Here's my Debs answer

Southeast Asia bc I STILL ACTUALLY OWN (most of) a really expensive Linguaphone Thai course. It is FANTASTIC the best language course I've found anywhere. It was actually designed as the first year Thai coursebook for students at London's School of Oriental and African Studies which pretty much vouches for how good it is. And Burma/Myanmar... wow! That to me is the most mysterious place on earth