HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Bloody Confessional/Worker Working: Personal Goals ... etc...

WRITING THIS BLOODY CONFESSIONAL tale of my drugs downfall is pretty exhausting I can tell you, honestly. Also I look back and just see the mistakes and bits that could have been phrased better. Loads of bits. Hmmm...

FINALLY I did get to see my worker at the clinic. The interim one I saw last week wanted my lifestory in brief. So I turned up with seven A5 sides of squiggles, saying "don't you want me to boil this down to a bulletpointed sheet of A4?" "No, no~ that's perfect," two of them said, salivating at the prospect of tucking into somebody's personal scandals for photocopied bedtime reading. I supervised the photocopying myself as I didn't want other pages "accidentally" getting copied and spiced all over the internet ... woo~hoo!!

We talked about my personal goals. And she tried to justify the head of department's fascistic decision not to allow people anaesthetic detoxes costing £4000 when actually six weeks in the Maudsley hospital South London might well cost that (as a local council-funded "private" patient, which is where you are with drugs, in a pecuniary no-man's land ...) So we've agreed that next time I return with details of this proposed detox of mine with full pricing. Then at least they can knock me back (as they're surely going to) in the full knowledge of what I actually do propose ...

I'VE NOT TOLD THEM AT THE CLINIC about this blog. That would be taken as evidence of goal-seeking behaviour and seen as a good sign. But it would also tempt them to keep trying different search-terms and urls to read my scandalous revelations and I'm not too keen on that at this point in time. (Not that they don't know the "scandal"~~ it's just kept somehow within a different frame of reference at the drugs clinic; that's all I can say ...

MY EVIL LANDLORD wanted me to produce by midday written proof of my continued extended warranty or whatever they call it~ some silly term like that~ to actually live where I'm living. I said yeah yeah, fully knowing that personal callers are no longer welcomed at the Housing's homelessness services. So he'll just have to telephone them himself or take a fax like other people do. When I left in the morning it was actually to go round the off-licence, collect mail from Mother Hubbs's and do more important things than satisfy his scummy ego.

THIS LIFE STORY, as I said earlier, is really exhausting me and I don't feel it's as well put as it might be. I churned a lot of it out quickly as I could to get the main points covered; there seem to be so many of them it's hard to keep a grip on it all sometimes. Also bear in mind that is a lifestory focused on drugs. If I'd told it via some other viewpoint it might sound very different indeed ...

If you're interested in reading times before that, go see my post From Depressed Acorns Miserable Oak Trees Grow ... (what a self-pitying title!!) ... anyway ... you might like it ... that is the story of my childhood....

OK I'm off to finalize my scribbling of today's magickal instalment of My Life On Drugs ... Coming to your computer screens very soon ...
All the best

Gleds


***

RIGHT, IT'S APPROACHING A QUARTER PAST ELEVEN and I'm just about to tap in the next part of my saga. Should be ready by ten to midnight London time ...

5 comments:

Kahshe Cottager said...

You are really on a journey of your soul I think. It would be hard for anyone to write of this I would expect, as these journeys always seem to wind in and out, up and around before there is an "Aha!" moment. You are brave to be doing this with an audience - kudos to you!

Nicole said...

Hi Gled, just dropped in and saying hello :)

Gledwood said...

Thanks Nicole. It's 10 past 11, I'm just about to post my next intstallment ...

Kahshe: journey of the soul. You're right, I always have been. It's just got a bit dark for the last few years, know what I mean ...

P.L. Frederick said...

Hi, there! Thanks for stopping by Small and Big and inviting me over here.

I can tell you put a lot into this posting. I agree: It certainly is not easy to write our life story, not easy for any of us, even for someone like me, who usually feels pretty good about life. Trying to stand back and write with some higher view or greater perspective is almost impossible, for me, anyway. Because, man, when I am writing down the stories in my life, I'm in my memories—at that moment I'm living that bit of life all over again. And it usually doesn't go so well. Recently, a news article appeared online about a book called "The Redemptive Self". If I understand the article correctly, the book talks about how our narration of past life events, our entire outlook, can be changed by tone. Haven't read the book myself. But I printed out the article and find myself thinking about it occasionally. In the chance that it might be interesting to you, too, the article is called "This is your life (and how you tell it)" and is at http://www.iht.com/articles/2007/05/23/healthscience/22narr.php. It's from the International Herald Tribune.

Take care,
Paula
Small and Big

Naomi said...

wow i just read your old post about your childhood. I love the title. yes it is very sad but it is expressive. just beautiful. It was a hard post to read it brought tears to my eyes. I'm sorry u had to go through that with your parents. my parents divorced but lucky for me niether ever got remarried.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood