BEFORE I START I WILL GIVE YOU ALL ANOTHER REASON TO BE DISAPPOINTED IN ME. I scored heroin last night. I felt so depressed I didn't know what else to do. I have never felt that way before and not used. Once I had the heroin in my hand I cheered up a bit and blew the last bit of money I had on Chinese takeaway.
The heroin was crap, even worse than usual. It solidified twice in the works but I recooked and banged it up anyway. I lost respect for my body a long time ago. I only hate having to live in it.
Despite this heroin I didn't sleep at all last night. I was looking up ways of inducing a mood-switch. These are 1. stay up all night or get jetlag 2. abuse stimulants (including caffeine) 3. drink alcohol 4. (possibly) eat MSG 5. take antidepressants: I have a 28-pack of expired Prozac, which makes me hyper, agitated and euphoric. Drinking 3 cups of tea in a row on Prozac used to give a speedy high 6. stress (not much you can do about that). Stress induces racing thoughts, and sometimes "voices" (same thing, higher volume) which feel really good 7. sugar. I ate a Cadbury's Creme Egg yesterday and the day before. And the day before it was a Caramel one. Could this tip me over the edge~??The sleep deprivation (which wasn't intentional) didn't work anyway. I slept all afternoon into the evening and woke up feeling miserable, sinful, full of guilt and wishing I hadn't seen that NutNut doctor when I did. Because I have made a reality out of what was previously dismissed as me lying to make myself look more interesting. I know what they thought of me. Well they can spit on my grave, those bastards.
A week or two ago I the same experiences I had when I went cuckoo started coming back but at lower grade. Racing thoughts, euphoria, disinhibition, less sleep etc.
Then of course it just mingled into depression and I've felt miserable ever since. I know a lot of you out there want me to just do myself in, well I have a proposition for you. I'll provide the broken bottle YOU slash my throat you bastards. You want me to die, you fucking kill me. I get death you get life and I hope you get ****d every single day you're in there.So there we have it. I am an illusion. I'm thinking of getting a job as a support worker. Most people feel miserable. Act their way through life, especially at work. Get home, don't even kick off shoes just fall into exhausted coma only to have to get up again far too early to work again to pay for things you don't want. That's what I should be doing. I'm not taking heroin today. I only had one drink.
I know I should work with the dying but I was thinking about that earlier and I couldn't handle the misery. Doesn't mean I'm not doing it though. I've pushed myself through loads of things I didn't feel up to, past tears and into complete physical and mental collapse. How come other people do stuff they don't want to and are fine, but with me I'm in bed for a week too ill to move? I sweated so bad that week the bedsheets looked covered in white wine stains.I don't know what to do. I know no-one can help me. I always told myself if I ever felt really crap again I'm going straight in the nuthouse but the nuthouse wouldn't take me because there's nothing wrong with me except life.
That's been the problem all along.
And I don't have bipolar disorder either. The drugs worker, the mental health nurse, the social key worker all say my experience sounds very bipolar but the dr wants to think it's drugs and I'm with the dr. If I actually am a true manic-depressive I will kill myself and have done with.
Anna you bitch leave a comment under that REM song or was it really such a cliched choice? I put it there specially for you. Or are you really still feeling too shit for words? Anna has the most gorgeous blue eyes and a blue wig. I love all things blue. I love Anna.There was a pill out a few years ago called Blue Mystic. With a name like that I'd have ran to try it, had I not already been engulfed by heroin by this point. I knew it was good as the press claimed several deaths (I've taken heroin for years and know loads of people who died on or via it; I went clubbing two years and didn't even know a friend of a friend of a friend who'd ever died on ecstasy or been put in hospital by that, blue mystic (2C-T-7) or anything else.
That bitch from QVC is on terrestrial television. How this is allowed I do not know. Home shopping! On ITV. And worse still LIVE ROULETTE for hours on end. Imagine this on ABC, NBC, CBS in America, that's what ITV is to us.
Question: have you ever wept bitterly to this tune?
This is way better than the official video. The official one's crap:~
21 comments:
Oh Gleds,
Oh, oh, oh...
Listen, You are disappointing no one but Yourself. I as a internet friend just would like to help you SO MUCH.
i WISH i COULD. (YEARS AGO UPON REALIZING THE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME & DRESSES, i SO BADLY WISHED i COULD BE A PSYCH DOC) SO if I were I could maybe help u.
I've had a 6pack of beer along w/ my meds ,so please excuse my typing errors.
I agree about Anna's eyes, they're stunning and oh so blue.
Trying to get some sleep is a lot harder than trying to Stay Up.
When I don't care how much sleep I get, I fall asleep easily,even against my will and get blissful sleep.
When I worry about functioning next day, it throws off my sleep.
I usually watch THE MOST BORING tv I can find, or read over & over some boring books I have memorized, between the 2 I'll usually get some sleep.
I'm not disappointed at all,c'mon you're human as the rest of us.
Sleep well.
j.
p.s. Love that R.E.M. song.
Also, pleeease do not harm yourself. Know your value, please.
I don't try and sleep at all now. Which is why I stayed up all last night. It wasn't torturous insomnia, just me not going to bed!
Anyway I don't get insomnia now, not with depression: I get hypersomnia and can sleep 12, 14, 16 hours or more at one stretch. And this means asleep, not lying in bed not wanting to get up
Here I am again, sorry.
I just wrote on Anna's that maybe the 2 of u could collaborate on a new blog together.
Does the idea suck?
I just think since you're both dealing with the same crisis, it would be a good idea.
And then u 2 could put a two way insight into getting off heroin & sort of be sponsoring each other like in AA.
At the same time, you both could help other addicts out.
Just a thought, disregard if I'm ridiculous.
j.
for someone who doesn't spend lots of time analyzing their mental state, you seem hellbent on googling symptoms of various disorders and then blogging over and over about all these symptoms that you have...seems a bit like attention seeking to me. you're suffering from lazyitus. anyone would get depression sat doing sweet F A all day long. you should go get a job and lay off the internet. try being more proactive in your life and stop looking for sympathy in cyber space. read over your blogs and you'll see that you're coming across as a whining attention seeker. sad act.
look about 5 weeks ago i went completely crazy, psychotic off my tree, so of course I googled what happened to me, but only a while later when the experience had faded
i have had depression for years so what the fuck is wrong with googling how to snap out of it
i only obsess about being happy. what's to obsess about with depresion? nothing at all
the other issue is I HAVE to be diagnosed, I HAVE to see professionals I have a heroin addiction and I only ever took heroin because I was depressed. If i cannot sort myself out I'll never get off the drugs either so fuck you
aye gledwood fuck that other anonymous, thats not me - i give you a knock a couple posts back but then you seen what i was really saying, youre a good lad going thru a rough time, you got bigger balls than me, i wont even put a name to a comment, FUCKED would i put as much of meself out there on a blog as you have...in 1924 uk doctors were allowed to prescribe substitute opiates for opiate addicts, anything in the formulary, generally what the aforementioned addict had actually been addicted to NOT FUCKIN METHADONE - weve actually gone backwards from that point due to unscrupulous devilish politricians trying to appeal to an undereducated but particularly vocal slice of the populace...think daily mail readers....
my main thing is DONT FUCKIN DO YOURSELF IN GLEDWOOD, DONT GIVE THE CUNTS THE SATISFACTION - IF THEYRE GONNA BREAK YOU MAKE EM FUCKIN WORK FOR IT.....
I echo your reply to the above, anonymous poster.
You try getting off heroin and see how well you do.
Talk is cheap, action isn't. You keep up your determination, Gleds!
Gled...sleep deprivation IS the worst. And it will make you see things in a very distorted fashion. After the Hurricane, I had a problem sleeping. Not to mention the constant pacing. After several months, I went almost 15 days without sleeping a fucking wink...and let me tell you, I was hallucinating. I was insane, and I was definetly suicidal. I was put in the nuthouse for a while before they could stabilize me. Get some sleep. Think about it in the morning. Take care, buddy.
Anon 2: no I won't do myself in. If I thought that would give somoene else satisfaction I wouldn't bother.
Yeah methadone is complete bullshit. I read something online that compared heroin to methadone. Heroin: mood swings, unreliable behaviour etc; methadone no mood swings, able to hold down a job (on what planet, I'd like to know!). They failed to mention that methadone tends to make people feel flat as a pancake and basically mentally shit which is why they use heroin at every available opportunity. It took me years to suss this was the truth and reality not just for me but most other people. I thought I just wasn't trying hard enough.
I'm only taking methadone now as a means to an end. I still think it's like a shitty rusty old bike when you could ride in a Rolls Royce. Diamorphine is only expensive on the NHS because the govt. insist it comes in freeze-dried amps. It always used to come in jacks, like saccharine pills. In fact they pay so much for diamorphine I worked out it's half the price of top-notch street gear ie £5 for 100mg instead of £10 for 0.2 at 50% purity (those were the days).
I'm still glad to be off gear, but I feel like I'm in a black hole. I got advised off the record to get the hell off the juice asap and to cut it down myself. The same as rehabs advise you to stop methadone and go on heroin before detox. I mean how fucking screwed up is that? They ONLY give methadone because it's dirt cheap, can be given once a day and keeps addicts feeling miserable. One youre' off supervised consumption there's no excuse for giving a long acting shitty compound like methadone. And haven't they considered most addicts would be more than happy to shell out £30 a week towards diamorphine therapy, considering most are spending the majority of their DSS on it... that's the ones who aren't still begging, tea-leafing etc etc ha ha ha
Taffeta: I managed to stay off for nearly a month with that single interlude in the middle, what changed? I don't get it
BMelons: why weren't you sleeping? Withdrawal makes me like that but 15 days is a long time. I think I gotta sleep now it's 5.24am!
Oh yeah and to anonymous 1: no I wouldn't fuck you. I wouldn't even fuck you with someone else's
haha why blog if you can't take criticism. seems like i hit the nail on the head judging by your reaction. how would the internet tell you how to snap out of depression? if you've suffered for years, you should know that thats not gonna get you anywhere.
you obsess about your mental health and heroin..which isn't going to help with either. and dress guy, yeah i kicked a habit so i do know what it takes. and i also sorted my shit out on the mental illness front. losers haha
Gled...Post traumatic stress is a bitch. I wasn't sleeping because of the flashing images of death and water. I wasn't sleeping because of this squirming feeling that lodged itself deep down in my soul. The not sleeping was nothing compared to the constant pacing. Could not eat without pacing around the table and taking a bite everytime I passed. Three months of this escalating hell, until they finally threw me in the psych ward and loaded me up on Seroquel. (200 mgs in the day...500 at night, and still the pacing took days to stop!)
Anon1: yeah you did hit the nail right on the head or I wouldn't have gone off like that. Of course I obsess about my mental health because it's shit and all the troubles I have are mental health related. I took heroin because I was depressed. I dropped out of uni because I was way too depressed to carry on. You see it's been going on for years so yeah of course it's a big deal. I was pissed off that you seemed to think it was weird to google your own experience. You gotta understand I had self help books etc on depression and other stuff for years. Rather than doing a Bridget Jones and treating them like scripture I did glean stuff from them that really helped me. I also did counselling for 1.5 years, then 2.5 years somewhere else, then a year more recently and that helped. But it only helps if you take what you say out of the room and change your SELF. Just using it as a place to complain gets you nowhere. Once I got on heroin all these coping mechanisms, all the stuff I'd built up slowly crumbled to dust and I got to a state so bad I literally could not care for myself even in the most basic ways. It's THIS that I have to fix. Forget the shit about going mad, that is really a side issue. A very disturbing one I mean you would be disturbed if that happened to you. I'm talking about psychosis intense enough not to be able to tell the difference between thinking and hearing because everything is voices everywhere. The walls were talking to me, I was seeing things as well as hearing things and I was on no drugs whatsoever and no drink either. I only drank to prove I wasn't DTing. So that's not really self indulgent to want to fix that, ignoring it would have been downright irresponsible... anyway as I say this is a side issue it's just learning to fucking cope with really small basic little things, that is what I have to do. The ONLY thing I am achieving is filling out a blog, nothing else. I used to have some semblance of a life, I want it back
BMelons: fucking hell is post traumatic that bad? I never had a clue about that one I've never been in a natural disaster I can't imagine how bad that would have been. As I said before I do remember thinking What do people on gear do when an entire town just empties and half vanishes?... Now I know!
Anon please get back to me I want to ask you something.
To answer your points I posted how you can snap out of depression. You deliberately lose as much sleep as possible, take stimulants even caffeine or Sudafed (pseudoephedrine version), drink alcohol and this really can snap you from depression into normal or hopefully hypomania. Come on I posted the details up, complete with links.
Re these mental disorders I get asked all the fucking time what diagnosis and I don't even know what to put STILL. I had a 4 hour evaluation with a nurse who wrote up her findings and passed them to the dr. This happened over 3 appointments and my part was to look up all the mood disorders and all the personality disorders and say which if any fitted and if so how.
On the one hand I don't care on the other I care v much, I'm afraid that's the type of person I am I usually have 2 opposite parts going on at the same time. Surely everyone does. Anyway: if there is obviously something going wrong with my life that is to do with my behaviour then of course I want to know what it is then at least I can alter it. If I don't even know what something is called I'm totally lost and unable to help myself.
Its weird you say self pitying attention seeker when I was using I got a few comments saying that's what I was not!! Maybe that's what being clean does to ya. Makes you (me) into a whinger ha ha!
I do want to do a job I want to work in a hospice. I saw a professional a couple of days ago who could have set this up. She knew enough about it to say what do you want to do caring or befriending and I said befriending. Then I said what about the drugs issue as most people in there are on heavy opiates she said don't worry that wouldn't be in your face. Then I said ok so when can i do this and she kind of tactfully siad she didn't think i was exactly ready to do any kind of work let alone that, "baby steps" was the phrase.
So what Im meant to be doing now is cutting drinking down to zilch, not doing drugs, taking care of myself and my house and going to NA and AA.
Like I said please get back to me I wanted to ask you something. At least you have a point of view I don't mind people being frank. All that pissed me off before was it seemed to me you were criticizing me for googling symptoms of my own illness i mean it got to the point where i HAD to get help. If I'd only smacked this shithead who swore at me by the traffic lights I'd have probably got sectioned. Like I told the dr the only way I could deal with walking down the road was by assuming nothing I heard anyone say was real. So if anyone did actually slag me off I have no idea. Like I did point out loads of times most of the time when I go whacko it feels fantastic, like free drugs.
I don't want to forget where I've been and who I was which is why I write it here. If I deleted everything that embarrassed me I'd have barely any blog left. I'm not trying to impress anyone. If I was trust me I'd write a v different website to the mess you see before you.
Too long for one box; part 2:~
As for attention seeking you're missing the point this is my diary. I don't keep any kind of private journal except this what I put online. Of course I'm aware people read it so I have to repeat stuff and explain stuff. But most of what I write is really for me not for anyone else. That's why I note down my drinking, and am turning it into a proper drink and mood diary I need this information for future use. That's why I note down how long I sleep and stuff like that. I'm supposed to be doing that for the drs, I don't care who reads it. What I have been looking for is people who've been through the same experiences with addiction and come out the other side because I want to come out of it too, so I'm sorry if it gets whiny and irritating that's just me I'm afraid whiny and irritating is what i am ha ha ha. Anyway the sleep deprivation is going really well I've done one hour in the last 2 days and I'm nowhere near as depressed as I was yesterday see it DOES work. When i tried it before I just got knackered and slept twice as much the next day, usually at the wrong fucking time, this time I really have cut back from well over 12 hours a night to almost nothing. Sleep is a big waste of time.
OK you told me to ge ta job what do you think I should do please give sensible answers. I wanted to be a translator and found courses in Germany and China (way cheaper tuition fees). I'm not qualified to do anything I need a qualification. Chinese courses in China have age limits from 30 to 40 depending on the university and i'm 38 so I'm fucked there I couldn't get my Chinese good enough within the 2 year window. But I could still do BA Chinese in Germany. If that sounds weird bear in mind loads of foreign students with second language English come here. No translator offers just 2 languages you really need 3 or ideally 4 or 5.
The other stuff I was thinking of doing was something working with junkies and nutters in some capacity as long as it's not a methadone clinic at least I know my own kind. But I can't do that unless I sort my own life out first.
OK that's it I hope I answered your popints properly this time; take it easy, please get back to me
i think job wise ur setting your sights too high and the volunteering thing is a bad idea. it would do your head in knowing they was on opiates. maybe 5 yrs clean you'd be ok, but you've been an addict that long that its gonna take time to "forget" that feeling. i know it would just make you use. i've been there saying "no, i really have had it with gear now, i mean it" and that was saying it to myself, and it was a lie haha get on that. addicts are fucked up and it takes a long time to get passed it. you don't wanna be nowhere near and opiate users. and the germany thing, just sounds like its too big a step. A part time job would be best i think. something maybe like shop work. i know it sounds boring but it would help you i think with confidence and just getting back in the swing of things. also there's nothing like a job to improve mental wellbeing. a low pressure job. you'll never take the big step to the translator job without learning to take smaller steps first. just seems like common sense. boring, yes. but necessary.
my problem with the googling shit is that you kept saying how you'd looked these symptoms up but you don't seem to be pushing yourself in any kind of therapy. you just admitted yourself you know therapy works for you, so don't you think you should get back into it?
I've been through it all. addiction, depression, attempted suicide..i put my faith in the therapy system and i came out good. it takes time and for me lots of trying of different medications but when you find the right type, you'll be right. its more than hard work to fix yourself, and it doesn't happen without pushing or more like forcing yourself to take those first steps. and you're not gonna get anywhere if you try and make them on your own.
ps. don't try to rationalize something that is irrational. that was my mantra and still is!
Anon I read what you put yesterday but wanted to consider my reply I went and slept till 4am
Paid work = a big step. Are you British? I thought you were. Benefits trap makes it very hard. Sickness not unemployment. Real fucking rigmarole. I don't have a track record of sorting these out recently I'd probably just beg on the street rather than fill out a form, run about blah blah go insane waiting in that fucking bland office. Why don't they paint the places light blue and have yellow flowers everywhere and orange trees. Why does it have to be fucking dull as dishwater everything. I like the computer you tap in for a job. My searches recently NEVER got an answer I wasn't specific enough.
O shit what was my point o yeah volunteering you can do while still on sick most drs will approve it apart from charity shop which wasn't as boring as it sounds and everyone was young (Oxfam) I did a TV station. O yeah and tree surgery in France ha ha that was fun. We fled to paris after 2.5 weeks I wasn't into hacking through wildlife with butterflies and water rats everywhere it felt more like vandalism than environmentalism
the uni stuff i googled a lot an downloaded prospectuses i wanted them on paper but they made it fucking impossible to order one. i learned German enough to be able to read the prospectus, in any new topica area there might be 50 key words you wouldn't know re the app process, all that shit once you learn them it is crystal clear of course not every single word in every situation is clear you'd have to live there for 20 years to get that fluent
i wanted to do translator bc you can do it at home in your own time, of oourse there's a ddeadline. computers can translate OK. esp. english french i noticed but German they fuck up word order, Asian languages they make a real mess of so I thought Chinese is very useful and I find it easy to remember the characters. About as hard as learning highway code road signs. There's a certain way where the pronunciation is indicated and the meaning is indicated but it would take ages to explain it's not as hard as it sounds there's even a kind of alphabet of elements so 1 Chinese person can describe a character to another down the phone using standardized language a lot of characters are combinations of simple words, so "I" is a hand and a knife, prison is a man in a box etc
have i gone off the point yet again? I'm sober.
my ideal job was/is writer of books. i decided after attempting adult fiction i would rather write for kids. for one thing kiddie books tend to be shit nobody out there has the market in the palm of their hand like Danielle Steel/Stephen King/John Grisham type people in adult writing. J K Rowling isn't really children's. Enid Blyton's dead. Lemony Snickets is a bit weird. R L Stine sold a good 300 million but writes Goosebumps I wanna write normal not fucking kiddie horror anyway........
yeah i did start on it, i did a short story bc i came up with this character i was really surprised it's an obvious one you'd assume had been done before it hasn't, wow. it's the kind of thing you can write basically the same story over and over in different situations that's kind of the joke of it "this person never changes"
o man this thing won't let me have more than 4096 characters
part 2
i know what you mean about work being good i often get envious in supermarkets, the library sometimes in offices i think i could do that. i got sicked off before heroin that's the worst part of it, it meant i felt i had nothing to come back to
i don't know how much of what is caused by what but i had this intuition a long time ago i have to be careful what i choose to do re work. writing would be the best one bc i can still do it even when crazy, couldn't keep still in methadone chemist, could write a blog post, that's apparently not uncommon
therapy the last time i did it the 1 year i was on heroin nearly every day but scripted methadone and of course lying through my teeth on that issue, coming in drunk, drinking in front of her from lucozade bottle until she remarked how drunk i looked one day. she thought alcohol and counselling were incompatible what happened to that phrase in vino veritas?? it was the gear fucking it up bc i wasn't into self analysis i dreaded going in, missed loads of sessions, turned up late nearly every time to cut the time short in other words wasn't engaged in it at all, it was the time before which was just before the gear which was only age 28 to 38 full-on, so i was using heroin but not addicted it pissed her off bigtime when i mentioned it as i loved to do. with this one if i came in and she looked pissed off or wasn't listening i'd demand to know why. counsellinng doesn't work if you're going to obsess about what the counsellor may or may not have thought or meant you have to ask and if you think they're lying tell them.
i did have a problem with counselling of the 3 I saw long term I got under 2 of their skins big time the first one I said something she snapped back "just because you've got under my skin doesn't mean..." I thought aha! i wasn't playing games i was only being myself. the 2nd one cried at the last session. this puts me off doing it again
i know people in na do counselling well some do. i don't want rehab if i can avoid it rehab is a bubble id' rather do heavy na and know i'm walking past a dealer not using than not being near a dealer because i'm in rehab at least the na thing is real also i find rooms full of junkies pretty boring. nutters i can handle way easier than junkies at least nutters go nutty in different ways addiction is one same boring thing i can handle na but that's just 3 hours or does it just feel like 3 hours i usually go out and smoke at the end to avoid the group hug then i come back in
i hope i have answered everything if i go back and read over my own shit i will never click that button so here goes
BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Thanks for comment on my blue eyes. The song, how did you know I love REM? Did I mention it in my blog? I love you too. I've been on a binge, and just haven't been keeping up. When you first put this up, it took me two days to read it.
I've noticed your writing a lot lately. Long posts, very interesting stuff. I'm no doctor but what your describing is nearly identical to what I suffer. Exception is I only hear one voice at a time.
I'm commenting on your blog today, Jan. 19th 2011, just doing so where you asked me to. LOL. I've read everything I missed. Your going out of your mind. Email me and keep me up to date on what your feeling, and doing. Anything private.
I wish I could be there for you. I'm really slaging off now that I'm using again. I consider you a true friend. Someone I really enjoying hearing from. Valarie is brillinat, and keeps me smiling even when I'm down.
I hope you feel somewhat normal soon. NOt depressed, but how "normal" people feel. I have no idea how that feels, but I wish it upon you. It seems they are pleased by the smallest of things. Like shopping.
I would like to please you if you catch my drift. LOL! Not kidding.
Love you,
Anna Grace
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