Gledwood Vol 2 (Main blog): UP BRIGHT AND EARLY!

DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe) mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Friday, January 21, 2011

UP BRIGHT AND EARLY!

I TOOK THE WONDERFUL SLEEPER as I said zopiclone WORKS no dreams like somebody said dreamless lovely sleep I was out for the count in not much longer than 35, 45 mins. It came on 17 mins after midnight by MOUTH that is quick you can tell zopiclone is coming on your mouth goes bitter.

Its now 0504 I've been up for half an hour with Nightscreen playing that piano track they used to that went for years now its back I want that one at my funeral that is me my life that tune.

Went NA last night for the higher power not that I HAVE THE HIGHER POWER I WANTED THEIR SERENITY. Power I have. Serenity I don't have. Togetherniess i need.

My Higherpower has done for me whatSid spent a lot of money on Ibogaine the miracle AFrican root IBOGA that trips you flips you not in psychonaut terms they call it something more specific a deliriant rather than a trip? Yeah it's meant to be a kind of waking dream where your issues come. Then you're clucking but only a bit. Most of the clucking is taken away. You are in no fit state to use. The igobaine works its magic and gear and the compulsion to use go awsy. Sid has money to do this because he WORKS.

How anyone holds down a job on gear.... you have my admiration.

How anyone holds down a job on methadone... that is alice in wonderland stuff so out of my league it mystifies me if I could have a job now I would love it. Supermarket lots of things with wheels on to move about an dgo in and lots of pots and pans and ings and ongs and pings and pongs and hello hello hello hello how are you how are you??! cutomer service?

why does everybody look at me like i'm deranged? HA DON'T ANSWER THAT ONE. RHETORICAL ONE THAT ONE

hey i got down the meeting i took a tube, i heard 2 shares 3 shares in this dark rooom the rest of the building was wonderful i had a good explore

i want to find a little old lady having a cup of tea in a cupboard
i want to find a magic bunny in the wall
i want to find a million pounds cash in the wall with my name and bank details attached MY MONEY
i need a pickaxe, a toothbrush, a teaspoon, something that if you scrape at it long enough i get into this wall and have a real good look i need something ha ha ha ha

sorry sorry osrry osryy round and round and in and out that is weaving could we weave together some light please and knit me a sweater made in stardust

that is what i want for xmas

summink good. summink cool. summink BRIGHT, SHINY, TRANSPARENT. BLUE WITH OTHER COLOURS PI-P-POPPING PSYCHEDELICALLY ALL OVER IT

lovely psychedelia those youtube rave vids are amazing that is my head
my head is a party

a part of a party
the party is in my head

i see the fireworks eyes closed

ha ha! i got a good one about furniture and buttons tell ya that one later!

gotta run have fun see ya WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WORLD

HELLO HELLO HELLO HI HI HI HI HI EVERYONE

someone please tell me how you are why all me me me this is boring i want to know how you are keep it nice and sweet "I am fine I went to x today" is enough for me please somebody leavea a message or has the universe gone empty? all the fireworks will go then

o man i need a wee i need what do i need?

WHAT DO I NEED?

now there's a sensible question. what do i need?

9 comments:

lizzydripping said...: hi gleds
i'm fine today but a little bit cold
off to work soon
(you did ask)
big love you
are doing fine
Lizzy :); 21 January 2011 at 07:26
Anonymous said...: Gleds mate,
Sorry I haven't been around for awhile. I hope you are getting the help you need. NA is there to help, at least they are trying. If they are not helping, then tell them why they aren't and how they can be. Be honest, what is there to lose. They say they are there for you - put them to the test. I want to tell you that God is there for you too. Take a step of faith and test and experience his faithfulness for yourself. If you need to talk more, send me an email. Lots of love, brother.; 21 January 2011 at 07:39
Gledwood said...: Hi Lizzie. Is it warm or cold today? I don't know and more to the point some to think of it have i taken my methadone

well fuck that one it's a toxin anyhow

Squirrel: erm....

what is there to lose from honesty?

them thinking i'm a complete nutter.

that's what

to be frank

they don't seem to get it, all think i'm using, don't understand the high is me high high hyper proper high not crappy drugs

WHY THE FUCKING HELL WOULD I NEED DRUGS TO GET HIGHER WHEN I'M ALREADY HIGHER THAN ... than most people who work in shoe shops.

know what i mean??

sorry to rant. the NA thing is becoming a bit of an issue but i'm coming back tomorrow night

actually hearing the chair might have been nice; 21 January 2011 at 07:56
Gledwood said...: Akk sorry Lizzie that all sounds a bit rude.

HI HI HI

I'm not going to say "good morning" more than once i'll turn into drum-banging woman...!!!

good earlier part of the day to you.

there said it again without losing identity

better leave it there

have a nice day :-); 21 January 2011 at 07:57
lizzydripping said...: :)
didn't think you were being rude just pre-occupied,
speak later perhaps; 21 January 2011 at 08:19
bugerlugs63 said...: real pleased u slept good. i dint mean they gave everyone those dreams(soz if came across that way). that was my experience, i have strange dreams without them,but i was talking and acting them out on zoppis(according to partner at time)woke up 2 find either reginald or laddio has killed jak. (our robos) i cant beleive it they got on good 4 eight weeks. just been on several sites 2 find out y this might occur but it has and its v upsetting. bledy full moon. i need abag to numb that one and i aint gonna get one. meth and citalopram are not doing it 4 me at all. i cant get upset cus the kids r upset (off school) sorry i know this is not a help line. i used 2 ramble on thimking it prob dint get read or taken in, but after comment on dreams i realise maybe some of it does. u sounding a lot more "normal" those ears again. but like u say; comfort in madness. coming down is like any come down. anyway kids need me, what do i need?, who do i need? gotta go; 21 January 2011 at 09:19
Gledwood said...: buggalugz
a hamster?
they can squabble robos can squabble
if they bite snd draw blood that's probably bad sign innit

todeath? that's bad

those dreams i used to get them off temazapam but only at the end after the benzoation wore off

yep lizzie preoccupied is a good word for it, hmm im a bit preoccupied. you know in shops its easier to point than talk much easier

i hope i got this right i have to come back later typical me to utterly miss a point; 21 January 2011 at 18:24
Anonymous said...: Hi Gleds, hope you're good. I'm fine, been busy at work and went to Manchester to see some old friends last night. Tonight has been nice and lazy, tomorrow I'll go to the gym. How're you feeling? xx; 22 January 2011 at 23:40
Anonymous said...: Man, something is really up with you, your entries have become really rambling and hard to understand, nearly incoherent. I do not say this to be insulting, I know it can be hard to be self-aware whilst in a manic state, be advised you really do sound a bit insane lately; 24 January 2011 at 03:26

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!