Gledwood Vol 2 (Main blog): Calm 1729

DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe) mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Friday, January 21, 2011

Calm 1729

1729 hours precisely. And it and I am both calm at the same time.

I was goinggoingoingoingoing going GOING! until just ONE single minute ago. Now I feel calm, like ADHD on speed, like a kid on speedweed peed haha.

Yeah man I know I know I still GO-GO.

I've got to go outside. I don't want to. But it's not safe here, somebody is going to take me away because I phoned someone. NO! Not the police. Not an ambulance. No no no. I'm staying here until I break into so many smithereens I'm not left to retrieve how long will that be ja think?? I don't know go go go. Go outside. I have to go outside.

I'm off. It's not safe in here. Somebody will take me away. I'm losing everything anyway. Might as well ************** ************** ************ [I had to delete something i cant say everything i think or you'll think the worst] it wasn't suicide i was talking about it was something else

am i really so inconsiderate? I try to be considerate at a good rate 8.

o man man manananana

i keep losing money losing thingsi have lost itititi it lost it.

i have lost it

i can concentrate but it is so very hard it's easier to imagine i'm dictating very slowly then i can put down every word in one bit piece

in one bit

there is nothing wrong with me

i feel absolutely clear headed

and clear

and shiny

and OK.

And NOT stoned, as ... I'm not.

this is so confusing, but i have to go outside because it's not safe i'm leaving the lights on

do you think that happened so intense because of half a cup of coffee? I suddenly dropped 2 stages low in one second and felt it, then i went higher without knowing it, then i decided to get in touch to find out my appointment time but i don't trust them at all

so i have to go outside. anyway before now when i can at least think english even with difficulty i lost it so much i was just thinking noise then i tried to speak french in my head and got voulez vous coucher avec moi and je prendrai l'eurostar a paris i don't know why my head really went went ent broke up very upupupupupUP UP UP i don't feel up i feel sideways i have to calm down and stay up how do you do that?

somebody made me laugh, saying "prostitute" i thought that is a good one

only sensible person in a brothel is the one leaving with more money they came in with in my book

and keeping their clothes ON. you can do that by owning a brothel. or doing whiplash come to think of it i knew people into that its for bored middleaged losers sorry but ... well that was them, this is now. she was going to be a domino

a pizza
with leeza
pleasa please pretty pretty please pleas

i have to go whhy am i posting myself when i dont' exist i dont geddit im losing everything anywaynothing is important to me that is self reliance rely on nothing and no-one that is how you do it

cant rely on myself i cant even keep money keys self in same place i'm going out and hiding i don't trustustustusut i don't trust anyone these days

i don't care any more who gives a shit about what i put itittttt itt itt itt itt tit tittt titter bitter litter embitter embalm calm CALM see you can find peace eventually. unless it's just peas spelt wrong. y'see?

6 comments:

lizzydripping said...: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eqMKU3dQpZg&NR=1
cracking track this (listen to it all)-made me think of you -i was listening to it in the car on a new cd someone had downloaded for me illegally,basically its trippy as fuck and all over the place and there is a voice saying 'what the hell are you on they keep asking' which made me think of your comment about everyone thinking you have taken something when you haven't
- enjoy mate
best wishes lizzy :)
p.s best at full volume or through headphones; 21 January 2011 at 19:42
Akelamalu said...: You don't sound OK Gleds, I'm seriously worried about you. :(; 21 January 2011 at 19:59
Gledwood said...: Thanks Lizzie

Akelamalu if I really am not OK i promise I will go hospital before I do anything stupid you know i'm not stupid you know me i'm still me just a bit cuckoo

don't worry too much i'm not asking anyone to worry about me i'm just being me

so what you see is what you seee

ok this will never end i think you get the point

i'm not as hyper as i was before and it's 9:10pm and i've taken the sleeping pill already; 21 January 2011 at 21:10
bugerlugs63 said...: i think u sound fine. a lot better the moon has peaked and all is calm. even the schizo robo! wahat was he doing? i am real shocked. yes they have the odd squabble whre they both stand up and try 2 shout at each other. but never any further no bald patches, no bites, no warning. they had plenty space/food/wheels/ seperate rooms in case they wanted 2 be alone,yet the slept all huddled up together, so so sweet and then that. i have racked my already half recked brain(s) as 2 y? and looked on many sites but all i can think is; when i bought the 2 "males" that had the babies,maybe the parents were from the same litter which apparently can cause problems. but theres problems and problems! i really cant get me head round it. me and kids had his funeral, so sad. i held it together 4 kids but wen i put him in coffin one of his ears was sticking right up. so sad. i cant just go on and on about it, but its flummoxed me proper. and i hope thats the end of it. reginald who was last seen cleaning blood off his hands has been v subdued. i think he shocked hiself. like he just went mad and now he sat worrying and hoping thats the last time he does that. its bad yes its defo bad. i need 2 try and clear my head of it a bit, cus its sort of stuck there distracting me. poor jack with his stiff ear ah; 21 January 2011 at 22:07
Gledwood said...: Buggalugz: I know this is hardly the same, but the NA Basic Text, when I was trying to read it earlier said to me as I turned the page (thinking of something) "Shut up!" and I went BOOOF! and got rid of that. You can sock negative stuff away. No need to let it run round and round. And best of all that works. I'm sorry about the hamsters though. I say hamsters plural because it's the living we should feel sorry for, not the dead, y'know...!

Lizzie: thanks for that tune, I'm saving it for tomorrow when all is a bit clearer. Zoppicloned out and very mellow. 2 or 3 hours later. So will I sleep...? I don't know. I'll try

Lizzie:; 23 January 2011 at 00:51
Gledwood said...: Lizzie I don't know why you came up twice this is a few days later. I wasn't trying to play a stupid game. I just do things like that. Same as I find toothpaste down the side of my seat. It has to do with doing or intending to do and then not doing it. But it does look like being stupid I know. I'm trying to look rational, looking stupid doesn't help me. I need to be taken seriously... what do I need to do? Put myself together nicely. That's what I need to do.

That record is amazing.... "what the hell are you on.... is what they keep asking...." WOW!!; 25 January 2011 at 01:40

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!