HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Antipsychotics

HEY I FOUND MYSELF A PROPER NUT-CRACKER DOCTOR!! AT LAST. MY OWN PERSONAL ONE.

Before that he was a dr. I had seen who works there. Now he's my dr.


I'm on antipsychotics. Respiradone or risperadone, I don't know what it's called (I'm not looking it up) 2mg x2 daily. That's not supposed to be very much.

He said it's for schizophrenia and mood problems and it should stop my moods being so extreme. I don't think he was telling me I had schizophrenia. The S word terrifies me even though the other words are probably worse. I don't mean to mystify by not giving other words I just don't want to.

Obviously I had to say how I felt today. Which is less hyperhigh than yesterday, which was less than the day before. Saturday in particular, Saturday morning and early afternoon I was off my rocker. That's when I had to do a car journey. "Had to" meaning chose to and forced self into it. I am a little toddler and a horrible parent.

When I was using heroin the brat was in charge. Strangely even though I was going crazy and knew it (most of the time) ... even then the parent kept charge. If he hadn't I'd have got myself in tremendous trouble. My ideas included 1. walking to Paris (through the channel tunnel) and 2. giving up methadone (all part of the same scheme) and 3. throw all my possessions out of the window and set fire to them on the street (again, part of the same scheme) which was inspired by paranoia and "grandiosity" as they might call it. Feeling I don't need anything or anyone because I'm above it and "turning into pure energy anyway"... ahem. Well I told ya everything else, might as well shove this lovely lot in ya crack pipe and smoke it. Yeah I was going crazy yeah yeah I know. Maybe at that precise moment in time I didn't have quite the same view on things, but I must have had some view as I didn't do it. Also you have to bear in mind my attention was so fractured I sometimes literally could not follow what people were saying. So my hopes of actually chucking everything out of a window and locating lighters and kindling and fuel and walking to Paris were slightly slim, to say the least.

I hope someone somewhere has been really entertained by that revelation as I don't know whether to laugh or... what?! I don't feel depressed. (Thank God.) I just feel less hyperdiaper. The dr. wanting to know how I felt I was I could only say "well I think I'm absolutely fine and would willingly stay the way I am today for ever" (that is less hyper than before but still hyped up a bit)... "but you will probably think I'm still gone"...

... then I had to answer a string of questions about whether some outside agency was controlling my body (no) could other people read my thoughts (no) did I hear my thoughts aloud (yes)... then voices voices. I don't even wanna talk about voices. No I don't hear voices telling me to do stupid things. When I was out of it everything I heard whether or not it was "real" sounded mighty peculiar. Just the noise of a car going past sounded like an inverted SWOO-OO-SHHHHHHHH-H-H-H through a cosmic sound vortex. I kept forgetting I wasn't actually at a hardcore rave. It was like a party all the time. A fantastic nonending over a week long party. Which is not a bad way to feel.

So now I'm on antipsychotics. I hope this is followable and rational and all. I am trying to be boring and grounded. I don't want to be boring. Maybe I'll try just the grounded (one foot only).

I'm looking for a life. Have yet to find one. Did find my DSS Money Card! Wow! Bought cyder and a pie with it.

Oh and stopping drinking isn't my biggest priority, that's official, from the dr's mouth. He wasn't condoning drinking. Just said it's not as hugely bad as ... I dunno. I can do it. I don't WANT to be an old drinker so I'm stopping anyway. Don't need a dr. to tell me to do that.

OK I'm off. Take it easy.


ps of course i'm looking up what crap i'm on, just not today, not now
can't believe i'm about to take that stuff. ukkk. has it really got this bad that i'm "severe"... o man... o shuttup gledwood shuttup i'm off

i had to take my psycho-script down my normal chemist. wasn't in mood for sniffy other pharmacist to give me "you're a nutter" looks

illustrated: nutcracker suite. some ballet. i like the picture because it has people flying through the air. and because it is blue


19:50hrs OK I just double-dropped 2x 2mg Risperidone. Might as well get it over and done with. I bosh it all back at night to start with; then one nightly one daily from next week. I have x3 zopiclone 7.5s (as required) which he told me was today, tomorrow the next day. I'd rather save them... That's it

15 comments:

lizzydripping said...

i am pleased gleds that you have been given risperidone its not a bad one and it should help to calm things down and stop some of those voices, you might not want to take it but give it a try
good balanced info from Rethink as usual here

http://www.mentalhealthshop.org/download_only_the_be.html

love to you x

would write more but just been to see my bro in the jail and its done my head in a bit - sorry normal service will resume soon but i do think off you everyday

Akelamalu said...

I'm so glad you're getting proper help Gleds, I've been really worried about you m'dear. I have been reading your though I haven't been commenting much because quite honestly I couldn't make head not tail of what you were saying. x

Gledwood said...

Lizzie: not too bad? I Hope So. Take care of yourself. I won't go on and on today. I'm saving the world my "thoughts", ha ha!

Akelamalu: was it really that bad? I'm not minded to potter about looking things over right now... I'm sure what I did read back at the time, because I read everything back later on... seemed to make sense, I know it went gagagadadadbabas a bit but that's all my head was doing so I put it down. If I couldn't touch type I don't think I could have posted anything!

Gledwood said...

Lizzie: to be honest it isn't what they say at all, at worst they're usually confusing. They do occasionally piss me off. I don't want to go on about them because it feels weird to do that more than anything... odd.

I had to put this now, else I'll just forget

jams o donnell said...

I really hope that the medication helps you Gledwood.

Gledwood said...

cheers I only took it a quarter of an hour ago, there's something with ultra furry huskies on bbc1 so i'm watching that

lynn said...

hello gledwood.glad it went well with your doctor,you seem really positive today i hope the pills are the answer 4u .all most of us want is just to feel ok i think.i cant work out how to start a new paragraph on here its all new to me! glad u found your moneycard as lets face it everythings more bearable when you have money in your pocket.have u thought about what to spend it on now your not spendin it on gear? must say im impressed that you reply to all the comments etc on your blog,thanks for that!would you say that since you started the drought post loads of new people have been reading your blog?i used to check the drought post a lot then found i had to check in anyway to see what you were up to everyday.o dear i sound like a stalker! i had a giggle thinkin of u marching determindly thru the channel tunnel towards paris!the tunnels practically on my doorstep so just in case the customs didnt let u leave this land let alone get to the other side pop by for a cuppa! well gledwood sorry for waffling on,all i really meant to say was glad your doctors appointment went well,hope it helps,hang in there mate and keep on blogging.nightnight.lynn.

lizzydripping said...

not quite sure what you meant gleds in your second post........unless you mean the voices,i guess i meant your unpleasant symptoms like your paranoia that time you walked down the street and thought everyone was spitting and swearing at you not nice at all eh?
my bloody space bar is broken so unless i hit it real hard in the right space the words join together so sorry if some slip through.
medication aint the whole answer though you probably know that you need to look after yourself,dont get too stressed,not too much alcohol,proper food and good long walks or some other form of exercise
http://www.aminormal.org/home.htm
http://www.aminormal.org/stress.htm

have a look at these two links i think they are rather good especially the stress vulnerability bucket cartoon.
getting to know and talking about your experiences is not self indulgent you know its a big step in managing your experiences

plus chucking in another classic tune
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HHZUpubNMk0

lizzydripping said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i1IxA4IPu7M&feature=related


even better than the last one me thinks -enjoy xx

Anna Grace said...

Gledwood I love you, read my blog

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Hey Gleds,
Seems like you're benefiting from the meds.
My nephew cracked up a little after coming off crack,Oxycontin and morphine patches & discharged on Risperdal 25 mg x 2 daily,Risperdal Consta injections x 2 weekly and Seroquel 200 mg 2x daily.
Now years later they have him only on Clonazepam.
It'll all work out. You're doing well to get the edge off.
all the best,
j.

Gledwood said...

Lizzie: I'm saying this first before I forget. I suppose they say all sorts of things they only swear when I'm paranoid, I suppose I filed that one under P for Paranoia rather than V for Voices. Very confusing. I always think I'm all right in the head. Banging on to a shrink just feels like going to a dr saying "I read the paper today, had a cig, went down the betting shop, put £2.50 on a nag, won £20, watched telly and went to sleep" ie that there's nothing really wrong, not really. It's v confusing to me. The illness is really someone else's idea. I was taken aback when someone described something I'd said at Nutter Club as "illness" I ... don't think of it like that unless I'm CALLING it that. The rest of the time it just happens and I don't call it anything, it's like having a cup of tea... I hope this makes sense.

Gledwood said...

Lynn: when the drought was bad i think i got a lot more people from the uk ~ before they were about 40% American, 25% British, 8% Aussie and 8% Canadian, the rest from elsewhere.

No it's not stalking to check a blog every day. I do that with other people's and I check their comments because I get into dialogue through the comments. That's where that "get a life" quote came from. I learned to type quick years ago so it takes a hell of a lot less time than it might seem... otherwise I'd not be able to post when out of it. I wouldn't have patience for a start. And writing on paper would probably turn into spirals and pictures of stars knowing me...

Anna: I did, I only replied really quick and it's stuff I didn't want to forget so it's really less personal, not more... I will reply proper in email. Once I open the fucking thing

Taffeta: he said that risperidal was low, but it feels strong in a drowsy way, it's horrible the way it puts brakes on I hate that I like rolling forward like flowing with a stream.

He actually seemed to think I was on more drugs than I was but didn't seem to care that much. I only felt like using this morning before methadone and because I was in a bad mood and having mood swings up and down. I'm hoping to go up not down.

It's a bit disappointing to know that up leads to just jinglejangling letters, it's only lower than there that I felt floating on top of the world looking down on it. Really amping with drug-type energy only happened for about 3 days in the middle. I don't even know what that is now.

I can't be bothered looking up that drug stuff I'm on it's annoying Risperidone? Risperidal? See I can't even remember the name and the page has scrolled down...

Clonazepam must be a benzo...? Or is it antidepressant. Am I confusing things... I dont know. Thanks for the message!

lizzydripping said...

where i work we try and move away from the word illness as your right its experiences peoples lives, illness leads people into the sick role and then they never get better self fulfilling prophecy and all that
thats why idont talk about schizophrenia i talk about psychosis, schizophrenia is such a loaded and hopeless word whereas psychotic just means loosing touch with reality.

Liz said...

He sounds like an okay doc. Hope this stuff he's given you helps.

Hang on in there, gleds. x

P.s. Don't you love the way the Word Verifier tries to second-guess what the word - or more like collection of letters - you're typing is? It doesn't stand a chance!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood