All I'm doing at the moment is1. seeing psychiatrists
2. going to mental health groups/meetings and methadone clinic appointments
3. sorting out housing problems (I think this social worker type person is meant to get in touch soon)
4. looking after myself in basic ways
5. going to NA
I'm not sure I could do more than that. Not today.
My attention was so scattered last week I could focus on nothing. Cooking was fun because everything burned (couldn't hang on to the fact it was in the oven) and the smoke alarm which "went right through me" felt absolutely fantastic. Rather than just pissing me off the way it normally would.
I didn't realize I had a truly "high mood" until last Wednesday when I got taken to a Mental Hospital for being too hyper (and proving I wasn't on drugs with a drug test) and having complained of mood swings (up and down) for a long time. And now being tired of just not functioning the way others seem to find it easy to function, and living in a mess. And also getting pretty badly depressed on occasion. These were and are what I'm trying to sort first. Drug addiction itself has to come second. As my old Worker, who was a mental nurse, told me I was "self medicating". At first I thought this was just a load of tosh that sounded good, though I'm sure I repeated it here. Then I slowly realized how true that was. Now I'm after either Nothing (ie I piece my life together myself with no chemical assistance) or I take psychiatric meds. The word "antipsychotics" has come up repeatedly and not out of my mouth. From doctors' mouths.
Yesterday I was in a meeting and couldn't focus for hearing voices. I was nowhere near as hyped up as I've been before. Yesterday morning, for example, I had this weird sensation of actually being in my body, the way I was before, but hadn't been for about 9 days ~ and didn't care about, at the time...
So I'm off to this doctor in about an hour's time. I will post what happened, unless I just decide to hibernate.
This is another problem, and I suppose it comes under self-care in the above list. I just am not sleeping the way "normal" people seem to or the way I used to (which often involved feeling crap and sleeping too much).
I was taking sleep meds (zopiclone 7.5mg). I was prescribed a week's worth and took it every day in an attempt to reset my sleep cycle.
It hasn't entirely worked, as on Tuesday night I slept between 1 and 2 hours then just woke up and got up. Yesterday I was absolutely exhausted and slept about 7 and a half, going to bed in the early evening and getting up at 2. Yes I know that's not ideal timing... just you try and be that tired, that distracted and not sleep, knowing there's a good chance you might go UP and keep going through the night.
Yeah I'm pretty sure this is what doc-docs like to call a "mood disorder". I certainly had one before (depression). Whatever this one is I cannot diagnose so that little issue has to remain there.
Now I'm off. I have pizza cooked for breakfast. It's only 10 past 10 in the morning, but I've not eaten since I got up. I have no appetite, interspersed with sudden, intense hunger.
So that's what I'm up to, and thanks to the person who said get a life at Melody's, you inspired a fairly focused post for once.
I told that person to get their own then tell me about it. I wasn't being entirely sarky: I'd be interested to know what that person does do with their time. I mean if they keep house, have cats, kids, a job. Or whether they're just some addict who cannot break their habit. I know how the latter feels, but not really the former.
Take care y'all...
:-)
4 comments:
Hi again Gleds ~~ Well you are doing all the right things it seems and trying so hard to get well again and I hope it doesn't take 1000days. It should get easier as time goes by. Wish you could sleep like you should as it helps us heal.
Stick with it all. I can't believe they took you to Mental Health and gave you a drug test.
Anyway, my friend, I wish you well as
always. And I knew you could do it.
Take care, Love & best wishes, Merle.
hiya.i think after years of using that basic self care and keeping appointments is enough to worry about .hope you get somewhere with the doc today.im strugglin too since the drought but you had the will to leave the crap gear alone and im still hoping each time i score somewhere different that it will be better gear.rarely is,and the odd good bit justs keeps me lookin day after day.i just try to keep the depression at bay as it scares the hell outta me how i feel without gear.anyway enough of me.really hope the doc helps in making you feel better .look forward to hearin how you get on.take care,lynn.ps.sounds like your doing better than me at the basics,most times i cant even make it to the drug clinic without gear in me first,so hang in there mate .i only started using computer at start of shortage when i found your blog,now im gettin addicted to that too.love reading your stuff and got loads of info from it.nice one.
Merle: I'm not offended about the drug test, I took it before the mental health, at the drug clinic. The worker drove me to the nuttyclinc/"mental health facility" (ahem). Being a drug addict who likes to tell esp. now EXACTLY what I used (which was kind of impossible before as they expect a Great Three Times a Week Lie (not nearly every day, as it actually was)... also a psych dr had only seen this other thing whatever it's called (hyper) once. Now he's seen it twice and another dr has seen it and neither time I had drugs in me. It can be caused by drug withdrawal but I'm not withdrawing, and wasn't then. The only jolt my system had was heroin to methadone and methadone alone. I've never known anyone go cuckoo on methadone or nothing who didn't have issues anyway. Akh I am totally ambivalent on this issue. Putting it all down to drugs is good as I can take drugs away. If drugs made it worse, from what I know it doesn't alter any diagnosis. Only "substance-induced" (meaning in the short, not long term) would.... Sorry Merle, I'm going to post on that dr. in a sec. Hope this hasn't gone round in circles too much. I'm far more focused today than any other day in the past week and a half, so that's good.... (wow I called something that didn't involve a stratospheric high plus a feeling of being plugged into the Electricity Grid of the Galaxy "good" ... mean's I'm .... "getting a bit better".
I am avoiding using a word that rhymes with frown and begins with the letter d as that makes me think of another word "epression" that also begins with d and I hate both of them
Lynn: especially when I got a Bitch Worker I could not make it in without gear. Before that at one time I used gear and crack and drink then the worker I had then started breathylising me. Loved that little machine did that one. Using it all the time on me on all her punters. They all moaned about having to sober up before they got their scripts. Being as I'd nearly always picked up methadone a day in advance it made no difference.
Computers make great therapy. Along with great time-wasting. Problem I had last week was to do with barely being able to post what anyone seemed to understand (I wasn't trying to be incomprehensible! When I was totally gone I tapped in what was happening, then when I felt I was OK I tapped in again, but hardly any difference seemed to show except less bing-bang-bong crap-ap-appapapap o man can you believe my head actually did that? I didn't even know that happened. Knew people "heard voices" knew there was a thing called "paranoia" knew all that. Tapapapapapppapapping I knew nothing about. My brains disappearing into a noise! What's that all about? Dr Headshrinker seemed to find a lot to type about today.
Thanks for the message. I'm trying to be Extra Clear today, so I hope I'm past mud and if not crystal then... maybe black tea clear..??
I hope ... ??
Take it easy. Don't do anything I would. And don't take any drugs either. (And how you'd do that I've no idea!)
:-)
You're sounding good.Everybody gets messed up on their sleep time 2 time.
Take care & sounds as if you are too :)
j.
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