ALTHOUGH I AM REALLY NOT in the mood for NA. I feel very sour. I slept about 10:30am to 3:30pm [it took an hour to get to sleep] I don't want to sleep any longer than 5 hours it will only bring me down even more. I can't handle going to an NA meeting feeling depressed. Not depressed like that. Ie wanting to run yelling out of place and jump over the bridge just down the road from that one. This place is in a mess. Yesterday I was spoiling for a fight over it; today I cannot handle the idea of facing anyone. People keep talking their business outside my open window which I do not wish to close, I would rather have the ventilation. But they keep chatting their shit and I don't want to hear it it's making me paranoid. This whole post is making me look like a fuck-up because underneath this, as you can see is the stuff I banged in last night. Or rather this morning. It is annoying me by banging on about feeling brilliant. I do not feel wonderful any more. I don't want to go to this meeting at all. I do not have a single clean nice fresh stictch of clothing to wear. I cannot face a launderette I will try to but I really am not feeling OK. I couldn't face it yesterday because it involves a degree of concentration and an unfamiliar enivornment with buttons, slots, machines whirring making noise demanding money and people people everywhere judging me for not being able to keep still, thinking I'm on crack when I'm not. Now I just do not want to go. Going there entails deciding what is what OK OK if I do one thing today I will do that at least there is cheap white cyder on the corner.
Oh shit. I just glanced through what it actually says here. Well that's what I said, so that's going in:~
09:30 hrs. My moods for Monday 17th January 2011 were: +2, though it lulled in the night. Most up in the morning [the early afternoon when I woke up buzzing: sleep is all over the place], least high at night. I caused a slight commotion completely unintentionally by making a cup of coffee too noisily. Then I had to sit there, reading the literature during the boring bits as thankfully I was right next to the literature table, fidgetting (or rather, trying not to) and enduring the Chinese torture of being still and quiet. Eventually I just had to go outside. Not for a cigarette, as per usual, but to pace about and as I said the lights in the adjoining carpark were really beautiful. At night I was using the computer all night while watching tv. I was only going round and round in circles. Then I collected some of Valerie, the middle-aged respectable bouffanted housewife China White Queen of Australia's Greatest Writings from Anna's comments and spent half an hour laughing my head off. Once I'd started laughing almost anything set me off. Then I was tired between 4am and 9:39 which it is now, but I didn't sleep. I went to get the methadone and walking of course set me off so happy I was laughing while crossing the road, laughing a lot of the way back. I don't feel hyper any more I feel really mellow and high. Like free exhaustion heroin. Really quite nice. I am about to gauwch on my free heroin and sleep. Hopefully not for too long because I want to stay the way I was yesterday when collecting methadone around 5pm I felt wonderful (walking again: see any theme developing here..?) I never could actually get high from walking. If I could I wouldn't have wassted all that money on drugs. I'd just have walked to the dealer's and not scored and walked back and been really really happy!
Oh by the way I've found some mood stabilizers that cut out depression but not mania. Which is obviously what I want as I'm not giving up my free highs for anyone. Yes you can get drugs that stop you getting depressed and hopefully keep you hypomanic for life. That is my goal. To be euphorically hypomanic forever. Even a bit manic. Ideally I'd have a slider control fitted behind my right ear to set and reset at will. On my scale it wouldn't go any lower than +1. It would go all the way up to +4 but no higher because I cannot imagine a 4.5 would feel very nice. 4 got terrifying. I was in a state at times when I could have picked up a chair and smashed it through the window, if I'd wanted the broken glass to do myself with, because I was suicidal while very hyper which was a horrible state to be in. Luckily this alligns rather conveniently with distractability of the most exensive nature meaning every little thing sets one orf like a starburst.
That's what I was like in the end, in the week following: a starburst wand. Everything I thought I saw four or five eventualities at once and so could not follow merely one. This was mild and/or I had strength enough of character to force through this and so my fractured thinking didn't really show up.
Wow I just shut my eyes I'm going to try and sleep feeling high it is wonderful. I'm tripping on visuals but all dizzy and euphoric I feel pretty wonderful. Night night all! 09.48am
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