HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Going to NA Again

ALTHOUGH I AM REALLY NOT in the mood for NA. I feel very sour. I slept about 10:30am to 3:30pm [it took an hour to get to sleep] I don't want to sleep any longer than 5 hours it will only bring me down even more. I can't handle going to an NA meeting feeling depressed. Not depressed like that. Ie wanting to run yelling out of place and jump over the bridge just down the road from that one. This place is in a mess. Yesterday I was spoiling for a fight over it; today I cannot handle the idea of facing anyone. People keep talking their business outside my open window which I do not wish to close, I would rather have the ventilation. But they keep chatting their shit and I don't want to hear it it's making me paranoid. This whole post is making me look like a fuck-up because underneath this, as you can see is the stuff I banged in last night. Or rather this morning. It is annoying me by banging on about feeling brilliant. I do not feel wonderful any more. I don't want to go to this meeting at all. I do not have a single clean nice fresh stictch of clothing to wear. I cannot face a launderette I will try to but I really am not feeling OK. I couldn't face it yesterday because it involves a degree of concentration and an unfamiliar enivornment with buttons, slots, machines whirring making noise demanding money and people people everywhere judging me for not being able to keep still, thinking I'm on crack when I'm not. Now I just do not want to go. Going there entails deciding what is what OK OK if I do one thing today I will do that at least there is cheap white cyder on the corner.

Oh shit. I just glanced through what it actually says here. Well that's what I said, so that's going in:~

09:30 hrs. My moods for Monday 17th January 2011 were: +2, though it lulled in the night. Most up in the morning [the early afternoon when I woke up buzzing: sleep is all over the place], least high at night. I caused a slight commotion completely unintentionally by making a cup of coffee too noisily. Then I had to sit there, reading the literature during the boring bits as thankfully I was right next to the literature table, fidgetting (or rather, trying not to) and enduring the Chinese torture of being still and quiet. Eventually I just had to go outside. Not for a cigarette, as per usual, but to pace about and as I said the lights in the adjoining carpark were really beautiful. At night I was using the computer all night while watching tv. I was only going round and round in circles. Then I collected some of Valerie, the middle-aged respectable bouffanted housewife China White Queen of Australia's Greatest Writings from Anna's comments and spent half an hour laughing my head off. Once I'd started laughing almost anything set me off. Then I was tired between 4am and 9:39 which it is now, but I didn't sleep. I went to get the methadone and walking of course set me off so happy I was laughing while crossing the road, laughing a lot of the way back. I don't feel hyper any more I feel really mellow and high. Like free exhaustion heroin. Really quite nice. I am about to gauwch on my free heroin and sleep. Hopefully not for too long because I want to stay the way I was yesterday when collecting methadone around 5pm I felt wonderful (walking again: see any theme developing here..?) I never could actually get high from walking. If I could I wouldn't have wassted all that money on drugs. I'd just have walked to the dealer's and not scored and walked back and been really really happy!
Oh by the way I've found some mood stabilizers that cut out depression but not mania. Which is obviously what I want as I'm not giving up my free highs for anyone. Yes you can get drugs that stop you getting depressed and hopefully keep you hypomanic for life. That is my goal. To be euphorically hypomanic forever. Even a bit manic. Ideally I'd have a slider control fitted behind my right ear to set and reset at will. On my scale it wouldn't go any lower than +1. It would go all the way up to +4 but no higher because I cannot imagine a 4.5 would feel very nice. 4 got terrifying. I was in a state at times when I could have picked up a chair and smashed it through the window, if I'd wanted the broken glass to do myself with, because I was suicidal while very hyper which was a horrible state to be in. Luckily this alligns rather conveniently with distractability of the most exensive nature meaning every little thing sets one orf like a starburst.
That's what I was like in the end, in the week following: a starburst wand. Everything I thought I saw four or five eventualities at once and so could not follow merely one. This was mild and/or I had strength enough of character to force through this and so my fractured thinking didn't really show up.
Wow I just shut my eyes I'm going to try and sleep feeling high it is wonderful. I'm tripping on visuals but all dizzy and euphoric I feel pretty wonderful. Night night all! 09.48am


Dad and Mom said...


Hang in there and stay focused as much as you can. One day at a time is so cliche but if it takes minute by minute go for it. There isn't any perfection, high or sober. We just have to make it best we can.

Gledwood said...

I feel so fractured and in pieces you wouldn't believe it i wrote down my thought process to remind myself i was going to post it i might do evverybody thinks i am on drugs i am not but i am tripping ketamine tripping and acid things all over the place but i'm not taking drugs im' hearing voices i try to focus but i go all over, out in a firework shape

that's what's happening

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Hope everything's going well.
Chinchilla looks so soft.
If you have a chinchilla , do you still need to dust or does the chinchilla roll around in it?

Syd said...

I hope that things will get better and not so fragmented. I used to quiet my mind by simply saying the Serenity Prayer over and over. Or even counting can help.



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood