HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, January 31, 2011

I don't know who I was yesterday... who will I be tomorrow?

"... I DON'T KNOW who I was ysterday... who will I be tomorrow...?" only time can tell that one Gleds!

Now it's 04:42 hours; I've been up since 3. Ursula le Guin, author of The Earsthea Trilogy, is on the The Interview, BBC World Service radio. She's talking about the last Yahi Indian, whom her father knew (he learned Ishi's language from Ishi to communicate and tape down all his stories and knowledge. Ishi Ishi was the very last of his tribe, the last speaker of the Yahi language and Ursula Le Guin's Dad learned this language. This is fascinating.

Do you like the top illustration? My mental state! The second one's just funky triangles I found. I've updated my
sidebar with some tunes I do actually listen to now. Moby Go, Urban shakedown Some Justice, Joe Beltram Energy Flash and Praga Khan Injected with a Poison (my anthem, that one... "there's a rainbow inside your mind... injected with a poison... we don't need that any more" well said!!

Well I'm going to ping off now. I only wanted to post some more music. Here's Moby's Go. The proper original video mix as well ...

O BTW for me really but in case anybody wondered why I posted up
Trisch Li manic a couple of weeks or so ago, it's because her behaviour is so strikingly similar to mine it's unreal. She's like my sister!

official video. l luuurved this tune



06:38 BBC Today Programme is doing a report on the Heroin Drought and low street heroin purity.
SOCA claim that as well as poor growing conditions in Afghanistan, the cause is more dealers and importers being busted. SOCA also say the wholesale price of heroin has doubled to £40,000 per kg (ie ridiculously high)


lizzydripping said...

morning gleds i really am rushing about this morning getting ready to save the world whilst watching david cameron talking about his plans for the nhs - like my son has just said i didn't think they were allowed dicks on telly before9pm.
got to go - speak later :)

lizzydripping said...

ooops forgot to drop this beauty on you

Gledwood said...

Thanks for that music, I don't know what it is yet. Hey I'm getting a DVD player today!! I found a SLEW of Nigerian films... enough to watch one a day for about 100 days!

You son's line was bang-on!

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

Saw your comment on Syd's blog.

Gotta say, in regard to the "they suggested I go to three meetings a day, am I supposed to have nothing else to do?" comment...

It's so funny how you will argue that you aren't going to count days and are right on down with the day at a time thing, but when someone suggests you go to 3 meetings a day, you are perfectly happy to begin to contemplate that as "THE REST OF MY LIFE" and lament.

The idea is to do that RIGHT NOW, because RIGHT NOW, 3 meetings a day is what you NEED to get better.

You run how many blogs a day? How many hours a day do you watch crap television that brings you absolutely NOTHING in terms of serenity and peace? Wandering the streets or laying in bed sleepless how many hours?

But unwilling to spend 3 hours daily actually participating in a powerful program that provides direction and peace to those who are willing to throw themselves into it and do whatever is suggested.

What lengths are you willing to go to in order to receive the peace and joy that those of us who were willing to do that, 3 meetings a day at first, have received?

Up to you, you live in your head and life 24/7, course considering the information you continue to post here... I wouldn't think 3 hours a day is too much to give to this program for a while.

Gledwood said...

It's the practicalities. I don't do more than 10 minutes of a meeting usually as I don't have attention span for it. I'm sleeping an hour and a half again they're all too slow then when I talk they act like they just got electric shock JOLT. I was only expressing anger!

Last week I had no clean clothes nothing I still went in what was least horrible, but to get them clean took out one meeting, going to the methadone place takes an hour or half an hour by bus... it would end up with no time left at all...

If I could focus I'd go to more but I really cannot follow what they are talking about sometimes, only in little bits. If only I could get it broadcast into home to I'm not sitting next to someone I'm paranoid is trying to pickpocket me, another is doing prostitution, people are staring at me, I cannot tell who is talking when because voices go off, it's all too confusing it's THAT stopping me going, plus the lack of time. Yeah I know you can call it paranoia. But I could turn everything on its head and walk down the street naked. Telling someone not to be paranoid is telling them to go against their instincts. And I cannot talk about being on antipsychos they judge me enough in there. The whole thing is one big headfucker so I do 10 mins, turn up late, leave early. Only way that works.

Gledwood said...

no I didn't really think someone was "doing prostutition" what I was trying to say was I felt really uncomfortable, like I should have been paid prostitution money for being so close to someone it was horrible there was no physical room at all and I was so paranoid

I'm not deleting that other comment although it makes me look idiotic as per usual most things do

Jeannie said...

You are sounding more like yourself again today. It is too bad you have so much going on in your head. And it is too bad they don't have meetings online or something - of course you wouldn't have your say then if you felt inclined. I wonder that they haven't got a chatroom somewhere though where you could interact when you needed to.

Gledwood said...

they do have meetings online, but i have a child lock on my broadband that's stopping me going

i tried twice, once by phone, another time in the shop, to get it chucked off, but it's still there

i think that's incredibly crap, it lets the most vile stuff through by accident then blocks "empty cockatil glass" photo!

don't get too taken in by my newer post I was just pissed off

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

Well, there is one thing to be said for you, you're consistent in your ability to take your own insane direction.

Does it occur to you that the whole feeling you're having is EXACTLY how EVERYONE who begins this process and is coming down and re-joining the normal world feels?

You are self-centered enough that you don't even care what it does to other's attention span when you sit there fidget, jiggle, come in late (interrupt) come in early (interrupt) REFUSE to accept the program as it's worked for generations of recovered alcoholics/addicts. We've all been paranoid fidgety and weird, unable to focus and unable to sit still, thinking constantly of our fantasy of the ax murderer in the seat next to us (after all I'm in the room with a bunch of liars, cheats and thieves) Not once thinking I AM ONE and they're actually here to try to get better not to steal my shit (which btw aint really worth much anyway).

we who accept this program, as it's been performed for over 75 successful years, really have something that we'd love to share. But you have to be willing to accept it, as it is - as directed, because it doesn't work your way.

We continually try to accept that the direction is right when someone says, come a little early, stay for the WHOLE meeting, stay a little late. Instead of saying I can't or I'll do it my way cause thats the only way it works. You're way doesn't work, or you wouldn't be in NA trying for a new answer.

We take suggestions from those who actually DO have time, can sit still and are more even keeled in temperament.

A suggestion: Get to the meeting 10 minutes in advance, sit down (on your keys if necessary)If someone tries to touch you, take a step back and put out your hand as if to shake the person's hand (if necessary) and say, it's nice to be here, hello or thank you to their greeting. You can probably manage a hand shake if you try.

Then, upon sitting begin this exercise:
breath in through your nose and out through your mouth 3 full times, full breath in full breath out. As you do this say the serenity prayer in your head:

Full breath in (thinking): God grant me the serenity

full breath out (thinking): To accept the things I cannot change

Full breath in (thinking): The courage To change the things I can

full breath out (thinking): and the wisdom to know the difference

Do this over and over throughout the meeting as you get fidgety, every time you think you can't stand it one more minute do that breathing/prayer exercise. If you repeatedly try this it will help you to stay in your seat and focus yourself on the experiences being shared in the meeting.

A thief constantly worries about someone stealing from them because in their world people are incapable of being honest.

BTW, in the real world, if you look someone directly in the eye, shake their hand and greet them sincerely they are MUCH less capable of stealing from you anyway. Did you know that? Test the theory.

Gledwood said...

This is what I'm saying I don't want to be sitting there causing a distraction. I want to be at the back on my own! That's ALL I ask from a meeting. Physical space. In a decent meeting it doesn't cause trouble when you leave, the doors are open all the way out you just walk out, smoke, come back. That's what I usually do and nobody gives shite! I'm not exactly the only one doing it. I try not to leave when someone is starting sharing bc that does look rude.

I know exactly how it looks, like I'm a real "new comer" I know that. I do try and tone myself down of course I do. When I couldn't I didn't go at all. On those days I couldn't understand what the hell anybody was talking about anyhow. They claimed not to understand me but I was speaking plain English. They weren't. They kept talking like UH??

You see what that methadone is doing to me? I've only been this bad since on methadone. The nuthouse nurse says "you were self medicating on heroin" Yeah that sounds a real attractive get out. I don't care what spin anyone puts on it i DON'T WANT NEAR THAT SHIT AGAIN I CAN'T STAND THE STUFF I LOATHE IT. I DON'T CARE WHETHER IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER I'D RATHER BE DEAD THAN ON HEROIN I'VE HAD ENOUGH.

I'm far better than I was last week. So I'm on the road to recovery. I did feel far better when hyped out of my head, obviously, as you do. You know I hadn't taken heroin for God knows how many weeks when that happened to me. That's what pisses me off. Methadone is supposed to stabilize you. It doesn't do that to me.

Thanks for that serenity prayer. It's the COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN that I'm after right now, the rest of it too, but I'm more into actively changing than just being serene.

Serenity comes later. I've never seen serenity except in several years clean.

Thanks for answering. If I've missed some enormous point I'll get back to you again. I know I probably have :-(


Syd said...

Gleds, I do agree with Jess. Perhaps doing your best to say the Serenity Prayer over and over until it calms you will help you to stay through an entire meeting. It is a hard thing to walk through the door of a 12 step meeting. But you have done that. Now it is time to sit through a meeting and absorb. I found that volunteering to make coffee or to put away chairs--anything really to help out--is a good way to get out of myself. I am not an alcoholic or addict so I don't know anything about coming off of drugs. But I do know that the program works and has for so many, if we are willing to work it.

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

And don't be surprised if you are shakey making coffee or helping with set-up clean up. The first time I made coffee I started the coffee maker without the filter in place, boiling water going all over and me a basket case. And it's not like I've never made coffee, but the newness, rawness and nerves just didn't let my head or hands function right.

It settles in time, the idea is to try the meditation consistently over a period of a few weeks, it really will work if you continue to attempt it constantly and consistently as you attend meetings.

We, who have been where you are, understand that you really CAN'T sit still, just keep trying to go to meetings and staying as long as you can stand it with the meditation exercise in place :)

Good luck Gled, I sent you my e-mail addy. Chat with you soon!



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood