HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, January 10, 2011

A pleasing aroma

I SHAT, SHOWERED AND SHAVED THIS MORNING. I look a hundred times better clean-shaven than my ordinary homeless look. I'm one of those folks who scrub up really well. Formal clothes really suit me. See I should have been born a 1920s aristocrat. I've got that "don't care" attitude down to pat already. When something goes utterly tits up distraught I call it a "mild inconvenience". I ought to be living in Brideshead Revisited. Unfortunately I don't.

And I know I shouldn't be negative, but I don't really feel any better for having cleaned myself up. (Should I?) I need to get some of that fake perfume from the pound shop. Their best one was called something like Code Green. It was pretty pukka. Unfortunately those cheap scents omit a crucial ingredient (I've no idea what it's called) but this missing ingredient makes the aroma wear off about ten times faster than proper perfume does.

When it comes to proper designer scent my favourites are Opium pour homme. Our local Boots pharmacy used to have this on tester. I showered in it free every day. Mother Hubbs used to say I smelled "like a French tart's boudoir". But it's better than reeking of BO. Opium Homme is the only male fragrance available in eau de parfum, that is ultra-strong formulation. I loved this stuff. And no it wasn't JUST the "druggie" name that appealed. (Incidentally Opium smells nothing at all like actual opium, which is highly acrid.

The other drug-oriented fragrance I like is Dior Higher. I love incense-flavoured perfume and Higher smells just like joss-sticks.

My favourite perfume of all time is Antaeus by Chanel. Several people have described this as "edible". It's absolutely sublime and like most of the best men's fragrance there's no female version.

Another one I like is Givenchy π Pi (the gold version; the blue one has a missing ingredient, it's just not as good) once the horrible aniseed top note wears off this stuff is really really nice.

If you're into something mellower the best stuff's made by Davidoff. Cool Water is like a vastly superior version of Joop.

If you're wondering how an inactive junkie like me knows all this stuff, it's because I did used to work and when I worked I wore proper perfume (as I call it, if you've masculinity "issues" or a tiny wonga you might want to call it aftershave). The designer stuff really is far better than cheapo alternatives.

My top tip for men's fragrance is NEVER EVER BUY AFTERSHAVE. Aftershave means marginally cheaper and VERY much weaker. It's a ripoff. It has nothing to do with shaving (you don't splash aftershave on your face unless you're a masochist). The best place for perfume is the neck. Or just spray it all over. Gift packs are good with the shower gel, soaps and lotions. If you shop about you can get these for the same price as the perfume alone.

•••••••


The music of my youth is now labelled "old skool"... how ancient does that make me feel! Here's three classics:~

WE ARE IE



CLOSE YOUR EYES (FORGET YOUR NAME, FORGET THE WORLD, FORGET THE PEOPLE)



DEAD DRED (WHAT'S THE TIME DRED)

9 comments:

Jeannie said...

The difference between cheap and expensive is 1. the essential oils - cheap uses chemicals - the good stuff uses the real thing & 2. the dilution with alcohol gives you the various strengths with toilet water/after shave as most diluted and perfume as least. We used to sell the real colognes but they were diluted in a cheaper alcohol - they were not knock-offs - they were identical to the designers but had to be left unnamed due to copyrights. Some people preferred them because they were stronger than the designer colognes. I think they turned faster than the real thing - because of the cheaper alcohol.

Puss-in-Boots said...

One of the most sexy in men's fragrances I have ever smelt is Fahrenheit...can't remember who makes it. But, oh...is it divine? My new favourite is Chanel's Allure Sensual. Coming through Duty Free I found a tester and just had to use it!

One of my everyday perfumes is White Musk oil from the Body Shop...I love that and have been wearing it for years.

My youngest daughter would not dream of leaving the house without perfume on. She's been like that since her early teens...she is now 40. She just adores perfume.

But I agree the knock offs are a waste of money...give me the real product!

lizzydripping said...

my favourite is addict by dior,wonder why they give perfume names like addict and opium??fave mens one is farenheit also.

goon show us a picture of your dapper new look!

Syd said...

I like bay rum or cool lime. Something subtle but hardly ever wear any.

Vivian said...

replying to your comment...

I'm not "on" anything, except cigarettes and pot. And I don't think I'm crazy. Maybe I'm just paranoid? actually... being paranoid might make me crazy hah.
And who is this Anna you speak of?

Gledwood said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gledwood said...

Jeannie: yeah you're right. I'd love to know the missing fixative lacking from pound shop perfumes... surely it can't be THAT expensive..! But the lack of it makes their crap wear off ever so quickly. So quick in fact it isn't worth spending £1 on a bottle when you can get stuff that will last and last for £20, £30 or so... stingy bastards!

One of the most fascinating books I ever had was on perfume, wine and cola. In other words the intricacies of taste and smell... Well this guy explained that Chanel No 5 was the first commercially released perfume ever to contain synthetic aldehydes (which would have a fruity flavour or scent)... Chanel Number 5 is my all time favourite women's perfume. That and Giorgio Beverly Hills. When I win the lottery I'll spray Beverly Hills on my curtains, I love the smell so much ha ha ha. I'm thinking of getting a bottle of Opium EDP with the money I've saved not taking REAL opiates ha ha har!

Boots: Fahrenheit is Dior isn't it? I like that one too. I got a knockoff version from the Pound Shop that wasn't too bad but like all pound shop stuff, barely lasted an hour before you had to reapply. And I had to put on 12 squirts at a time. With proper perfume I only put on one or 2 and that lasts all day. I'd consider 3 squirts really heavy. Actually I might get that Opium. I LOVE the way it smells all vanilla and Christmas pudding the next day... wondrous stuff. Even if it DOES smell like a French tart's boudoir. And the women's version is nowhere near as good as the men's. I like my smellies ultra-heavy, unless I'm going for Davidoff style in which case they just need to be ultra cool. I'm not into those modern blue ones, or ones you can barely smell. I want my money's worth, I'm afraid!!

Lizzie: Thanks I'll post that one up tomorrow. Are you an old raver too then?!?

Don't you think a lot of the old hardcore was full of psychotic voices (ie spoken word samples)? Most extraordinary ha ha har!

Syd: aren't they drinks??!? I've never seen fragrances by those names. Are they Jo Malone type stuff? Are they exclusive to the United States?

When I get snobby bitches at the perfume counter, especially in midmarket chain stores I always ask for Amouage. It was concocted for an Arabian prince for his lover. I know they won't stock it and it used to be £1000 a bottle ha ha ha ha har!

Vivienne: I didn't really think you were crazy or "on" anything... but I DID find you from a comment on Anna's blog. Anna as in Anna Grace "I hate this place, I'm strung out again"...

ppfaceannagrace.blogspot.com

she's the one who revealed the glories of cold remedy re sensitivity "below stairs"...!

lizzydripping said...

hi gleds,yes i am an old raver - only 37 and burnt out from weekends spent at free parties and european teknivals completely off my box, loved stimulants now the very thought of them brings me out in a cold sweat, did you like the tune?
big lovE to you x

beatifnik said...

My favourite mens' fragrance is Acqua Di Gio by Armani, so woody and manly, lush! The ones you mentioned are good too, though. Especially cool water. Where did you work before you stopped working? What did you do? Intriguing. Reading about your daily life it's easy to forget there was another life almost that came before all this. I sometimes entertain the thought that you might be a best-selling writer going incognito and this whole blog is just a project... I hope you don't take that as being malicious, what I mean is you write very well and don't strike me as the usual junky type at all (sorry to generalise). Maybe you're Will Self in disguise... I've been reading your blog for well over a year now and I'd like to know more about your past if you feel comfortable sharing it.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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