HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

Bears


RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK is on. No wonder I'm depressed. A mad guy living with bears is on the other channel. Black bears. Why do they never live with teddybears ~ proper brown ones? Brown bears are far cuter, not to mention tubbier. O hang on I think one's doing a poo in the woods.

Those black bears are barely any bigger than a domestic dog! They're tiny.

Now I must go. I ate an Iceland steak pie and I'm in a bad mood.

9 comments:

Gattina said...

I didn't eat a steak pie but I am also in a bad mood ! It rains now ! after all that snow ! I think I have to imigrate to Australia with the cats of course !

Tatyanna (and Dorian too) said...

LMFAO. that is all. oh, and also, it really isn't right on any level not to live with a "proper brown bear" -- a teddy bear, if you will, if one is going to go stark raving and live with a bear at all.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I'm in an okay mood. It's nearly lunch time. That helps. Laugh.

I heard that the brown bears are more prone to attack humans than black bears.

Love you.

Reeny's Ramblin' said...

I am always in a bad mood from 9-5pm. Bears are freakin' scary. I was up at our cabin and a black bear was under the structure scratching itself on the foundation underneath. The whole cabin shook like you wouldn't believe. My worst fear is being mauled by a grizzly. If you ever get the chance watch the doc on Timothy Treadwell, he's the nutter that lived with wild grizzlies in Alaska - funny enough one eventually attacked and killed him. It's called Grizzly Man.

Gledwood said...

Gattina: ah! But were you THINKING ABOUT eating a steak pie..? Especially Icelalnd's own. THAT should be enough to put you in a bad mood all day!!!

Tatyana: what on earth's LMFAO? I want to live with a grizzly. I shall feed it 10,000mg diazepam daily. Then it will be in a good mood and love me.

SB: that's because browon grizzlies are far superior to black bears. A male black bear might weigh barely 300lbs. A male grizzly can easily surpass 500lbs... even up to 800lbs. See how superior they are. Also grizzly bears are teddybears, they look better and their furrier. Hence they are superior ;-)

Get one as a pet. Please. I'll look after it when you're on vacation having traction, skin-grafts, limbs re-attached... etc :-)

Reenz: "bears are scary?" no wonder! You're talking about half-arsed BLACK bears. GRIZZLIES are the proper type of bear. Those are real-life teddybears. Go up to one and punch it and watch it smile benevolently back at you!

PS you do realize at least one of those "bear men" had untreated bipolar. Just watch the way he rants away and you'll see hypomania pure and clear, hahahaha.

I'd rather be hypomanic and killed by a bear than depressed and live till age 95... wouldn't you??!?

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

How about pandas?
I'm still thinking of that Full Moon party.I could sure use a nice girl rubbing up against my back.
j.

Gledwood said...

Back in the day you know I was so naïve. I remember this muscly guy asking me to massage his back. Now on Ecstasy there is nothing necessarily sexual about this, but to some folks there is. E was never a sex-drug to me. I naturally assumed the experience of others mirrored my own. To me, E was a dance drug...

What I do remember was chasing these knots of tension up up across the shoulders and away. Maybe I ought to be a massage therapist; I was quite good at it. And I never saw anything sexual in the procedure. Perhaps he did. I didn't. Am I naïve or not? Who noze..??

Gledwood can be rather slow and THICK sometimes y'know. For all my powers of pereception and amazingness (I'm a pretty good judge of character, yet like everyone else I'm far from infallible) ... I can be very slow at times... very slow indeed!!

Gledwood said...

Taff: sorry I missed your point about pandas. Yeah they're lovely bears. My old hammy was called Pandable after his big poppy black eyes.

I once saw a Youtube of a panda attacking an unwitting idiot specttor at a zoo. This guy had gone and ventured too near the bars. Single bars so the panda could reach right through.

It looked just like a man in a panda suit going nuts. Nothing at all like a docile black and white big-eyed panda!

I'll look up the film for Furry Friday/Saturdy if you like. There's another Panda film I'd love to post up too... you'll see what I mean at midnight London time going into Saturday :-)

Liz said...

We saw bears in the wild when we were in Canada. It was fab! they do make you want to cuddle them ...

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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