HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


Gledwoods deutscher Blog

Bitte hier klicken ...


I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Saturday After Noon Calm Down

23:22 Here's a calmer tune for y'all
Melody Lee this is for you. Melody is in New Mexico. They have "underground garage" there. This is UK garage. Underground it ain't. Most dance music is normal as a nice cuppa tea ere....
this tune dates to 1997. BBC Radio 1 started playing it 2 years late forget their own brains one day the BBC will...

14:51 hrs. I'm calm. Calmer than I was before. A thought or a voice is repeatedly saying my name. Thats what was going on today. Things kept echoing every so muchth thought. Not every thought. Not every other one... I can't remember. I didn't count fractions. I will go into the fraction and become a slice of cake. A theoretical one. Which is what a fraction is.

Today I went for a drive. A magical mystery tour. Someone else wanted to score drugs. Ha! Riding about in a car was much more exciting than boring old heroin (didn't even ask).

At the beginning they went nuts because I said don't bring any crack? What?! Crackers or what? What he'd said was something to do with a stone. Thrown to my window. To alert me. Which made me think of crack and go off on one. What REALLY set me off was the sound of my phone alarm clock at 9:30. I'd gone to bed early, woke up very early when it was still dark and got up fairly early when breakfast tv? was on o i don't know 4-6 hours no idea. Aren't I supposed to be keeping a diary. I'm too distracted to be drunk if that's what y'all think. Too distracted to have money which has gone gone no idea where. Everything's "up in purpose" that's what my head says. This is supposed to be a stream of consciousness anyway, innit. Otherwise I'll forget where I've been. But I'm more together than when that really fractured up stuff came out. Me and that are the same, I'm afraid. It takes between 2 and 5 hours [by the clock] of trying to take us apart. And I do try. When it goes really intense, which is at least once per day, it gets intense enough for just words rhyming into chiming concentric magical mystery tour centre of the spiral type experience. To words breaking up. The ends come off and resonate so that is what I think, what I say, what I am. That is what I mean by oingoingoinging. Yesterday I just had noise, like two racing cars or however many cars driving or flying back and forth making a roaring noise. That was my thought. No English in there. That is when I managed to think in French. It calmed me down a little bit. Of course I can engage or disengage to an extent. Which is why I whack a weightless hyperspace tennisball back and forth in my mind, it feels fantastic. That is a way of expending psychic energy. It doesn't set me off. When anything sets me off I go faster and faster into those Intense Zones. I woke up with music going fast round my head and all ping zing zonging. Both times. Yet still managed to sleep! O yeah it was drugs. Prescription drugs. Zopiclone 7.5mg. See you don't need a monster dose.

I'm supposed to find my money card for Monday. And clear up a bit of something in Aladdin's Cave. Aladdin's Cave is what my house feels like. Full of unexpected wonderments. Yet very very stressful to actually engage with. Which sends me off into what I actually have control not to do right now. That sound-think thing.

So that's what's been happening. Hey a clear window. I don't want to come down. I don't want to be a miseryguts.

Hope y'all are having a fantastical weekend and DRUG FREE like me ha ha!

Here's more hardcore:
Seduction: Starlight Judgement Day 1992 2/4

Seduction: Starlight Judgement Day 1992 3/4

Seduction: Starlight Judgement Day 1993 4/4

Seduction 3/4 Quest 1993

Seduction 4 Quest 1993


Sid said...

Only thing with zopiclone is you get a tolerance really quick.. like diazepam.. after a couple of nights of taking them they dont work no more.!
One time I came out of rehab, clean.. but struggling, I went to my GP to try get some blues but all the cunt would give me was some claratyn! Bloody anti-histamine thing that makes you slightly drowsy..! Not even some zopiclone... obvs I relapsed

Glad your sleeping :)

bugerlugs63 said...

yes im glad u r 2. i not in the least worried bout u. only in that u say u wud go into nut house before u did ote stupid, but u wud have already done something stupid by going in there, well stupid is a strange word, lets say dangerous. now that wud worry me! my older bro went in one. its a bit of a story(and with so few comments being left at min i already feel like i am bogarting the comment space) i bet they all back on the gear. . . bastards! no they all pissed. i dont know i just say that as most of junkies i know are coping (or not) by drinking special brew! perish the thought.anyway i digress. the story a bit long but by the time they had finished labelling him and causing him 2 question himself so much he dint know if they were right or wrong. he thought they were tricking him. maybe they were? i dont know. but he was sectioned cus he was homeless so the only way out was a door that led to the roof and it was nine floors up. . and well he died obviously, so dont go there. u just never know, what voids in you brain(s) they might fill and what they might fill them with. with their over read/ qualified/paid utter nonsense. u dont need 2 go. i know i dont know u and relly prob have no right 2 say that but the more time u give it the better it will get. it already has gone some way. i logged in to say something that i forgot when i read the para about nut house. so i gonna have fag and remember what it was. one corner at a time (head and house clear)just one small corner back wen i remember x

Gledwood said...

Sid: i can't remember any tolerance, it does work even for weeks on end. i try not to take stuff like that every day. if u can give it a break after you get a sleep cycle... well that is what it is for.

my sniffy gp turned me down zopiclone. she wants me in her house while i'm not sleeping. wouldn't turn me down again.

been like that for years. severe insomnia. then oversleeping

and they can medicate you 7 nights a week indefinitely rotating temazepam 30-40mg or more, zopiclone 7.5-15mg and chloral betaine, can't remember dose it would be about 2x666 or equivalent in hydrate don't remember the numbers probably 2 big purple pills my ex was on them during extended home detox i KNOW someone on this so that crap they give you is just that CRAP

also they can give pain relief to a heroin addict, they can use ketamine, they can use propofol to whack you out


oh yeah and they can titrate IV diamorphine up to 1000+mg or more if you need it, but it would probably be in a syringe driver, not hits, after the first one


strangely i get understanding in psych, they know i need to sleep, they give me sleepers. that's because they see someone with nothing wrong but a little confused (someone told me nothing wrong with me, i don't think it was a dr) i wonder if dr "poisoning my methadone" will give anything effective the key to sleep is in his hands and the guy on the street corner who sells zopiclone to people with FUCKED UP SCRIPTS A GENUINE SCRIPT FUCKED UP SO I FUCKING HAD TO SCORE [zopiclone] HOW SCREWED UP IS THAT

i'm coming straight off methadone as quick as i possibly can i keep forgetting to drink the SHIT anyway cannot remember when have to do it in one dose per morning

i said today i'm coming off the shit everyone in the car went WHATTTT!!!! "that is your lifeline" EXACTLY thats why i'm cutting it


get rid of that FUCKING JUNKIE LABEL


sorry for the rant. if i edit it i'll only get lost in cans/can'ts

not without putting in a totally different one and what will that say? existential.

i was really popping off on one going off on one boingoingoigngoingoging just now
i took a zopiclone can just feel taste coming on which is distinctive with zopiclone, a bitter taste in the mouth means its working

so the ibogaine is working???


Gledwood said...

buggalugz: what everyone's on drink instead of fucking gear? someone got the best one about we had to drive for half an hour to get it, i didn't even think about it, just wanted to get out of the car.


I have Found My Higher Power so I don't need to use.

NA don't understand that. Theirs might be serene. Mine goes with intense rapidity.

Long as i'm off heroin i'm relatively safe in a psych unit. NO FUCKER will ever ask me for it. I will ensure to that using my mouth or more. No bastard is bribing me to get drugs. No fucking way.

The nurse where i had to go to see a dr so the guy who took me there coudl have it on a form that i am who i am ie i'm PROPER me now, actually my whole self fucking who cares if its their idea of sickness i had to go play in a room for 2 hours until some nurse found me that was the first time i went ultra ultra fast, on my own, outside the earshot of main nurses outside main cctv area i don't flatter myself nobody spied on me but i tried not to make an exhibition JUST BEING MY FUCKING SELF you can't even wave arms in there they'll take it as a symptom you have to sit arms flat down, you have to talk slow, you have to stay on topic, you have not to light up when lady psychiatrist walks into room you have to not do so many things i was told i'd done all ov them i was told...

... that i was using heroin as a medication. first thing i noted on heroin: no sunny smiley days any more. no depression either until i tried to kick it, then i got that... then my moods started showing through despite all that

thanks for your caomments y'all

i'm off supposed to sleep don't know if it's going to work tonight... (don't know) "try"ing to sleep means going to bed. not doing that waste of time lying there for more than 5 mins if i'm not out by then i'm not sleeping it has to be quick


Baino said...

Hmm I was going to say that you sounded a little clearer, not sure after the comments. Ha . .word verification is Pandab

Gledwood said...

I felt v much clearer in the eve the night. I'm faster in the morning than the evening

took a sleeping pill around 930 didn't sleep till past midnight or 1am woke up around 7am.... well it couldve been earlier aren't i supposed to keep a diary this will go in the post

no i'm ok i'm fine how are you?



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood