HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, January 08, 2011

Still on drugs. And ashamed.


I SCORED HEROIN YET AGAIN THIS EVENING. I wasn't intending to do it. But I did. I used. I bumped into a posh boy who grew up with every advantage in life. Privately educated. The whole shebang. He should be married by now with a trophy wife, lovely posh kids who call her Mammar and him Pappar. A job in the city (if he feels the need for a job). His wife would probably be in PR, events planning (setting up stuff like Cartier Polo) or jewellery design. I believe (or suspect) that his family have cut him off. Smart move on somebody who grew up totally dependent on the family's money and status. No wonder he's in and out of prison. Thievery is the only way he knows how to make ends meet with a raving heroin and crack habit.

He scored me a lovely £20 bag of gear. Nothing is as it was before the extreme heroin drought that thwarted supplies, reduced purity to a minuscule fraction of what it had previously been, and left multiple thousands of addicts in constant withdrawal sickness. Even now in the new year things are a mere shadow of their former selves. I used to fix up a £20 bag (0.4, 0.5g) in two or three hits. In my recent binge I've done it in one. I seriously doubt the situation will ever go back to how it was pre-drought, not for many, many months indeed.

I can't believe I've let this relapse go on and on for as long as it has done. I'm beginning to feel desperate. When I did give up heroin I was lucky. I had a psychotic episode that threw me so far off centre that gear was the last thing on my mind.

So I'm now musing on whether or not I ought to score cannabis and smoke it heavily. Cannabis makes me psychotic. My last highly "enjoyable" (not!) experience involved heavy paranoia and voices from the sky yelling down at me. I don't want paranoid psychosis, but if it stops me being a heroin addict, it's surely worthwhile. And the druggieclinic don't mind anyone smoking "dope" as it's naïvely labelled here. (Doesn't "dope" mean "heroin" in the USA? The Americans have the right idea, as in most things.)

David Chaytor, Member of Parliament is being severely punished for swizzling Us the People of fraudulent expenses claims to the tune of over £20,000, that's more than $30,000.
He will be punished in prison for a mere nine months of his poxy 18-month sentence before the idiotic justice system lets him out on licence. Unfortunately because he's not in Malaysia or Singapore he won't be whipped on the bare buttocks until they explode and blood pools round his feet. You can see the photographs here. I'm hoping the one featuring quasi-medical treatment involves rubbing sharp rock salt crystals into the rapist's broken bum. A more severe whipping ought to have been imposed on that MP. That would make those bastards think again before claiming OUR money for duck pond islands, moat cleaning and castillation repairs on their castles. Whipping should be brought back for housebreaking (definitely ~ domestic burglars are the lowest form of scumbags and I'd be well up for rubbing rocksalt into THEIR wounds), muggers, loan sharks, cannabis dealers and most especially corrupt policemen. The ones who spray CS gas into "suspects'" eyes at point blank range. The ones who perjure themselves in court. The ones who beat up "suspects" in the cells. These should be whipped without mercy.

If you want to watch a celebratory 20-cut spanking on a Malaysian rapist, click here. Be warned there is blood. But who cares what happens to a sex offender? The only disappointing thing is he doesn't scream enough.

When I was about nine years old some pleasant young man tried to pick me up from our local railway station. This bastard KNEW MY NAME. Despite the fact that I'd never knowingly set eyes on this character in my entire life, he KNEW MY NAME and insisted he was here to pick me up, and I was to come with him.

I wasn't at the main part of the station, I was on the footbridge, where I waved a 1977 Silver Jubilee Union Flag at the express trains as they trundled past. This made them honk-honk! To my juvenile mind this made it all worthwhile.

Of course when he said are you Gledwood? I'm here to collect you I said, "No that's not me," and this threw him. The fact that we were on the bridge made things, to my present recollection dodgier still. Less chance of genuine mistaken identity. More chance of a pervert willfully picking me up for God knows what. I wish he had got caught and spanked.

In my view paedophiles ought to be shot by firing squad. And none of this pussyminded crap about loading only one gun. Every single gun but one should be fully stocked with bullets. And I'm talking machine guns here. No crappo rifles. Death should be swift and merciful. Put the bastards out of their misery. I feel sorry for them. Remember I'm a drug addict. I know how it feels to have an addiction disapproved of by society. So kill the bastards. If the death penalty seems too harsh, institute a voluntary one. How many prisoners attempt suicide? Many, many thousands. All they need do is get them to fill out a little pink form, then within five minutes the firing squad is assembled and BANG! The bastard is dead!

I don't know what to do about this ongoing addiction of mine. Should I take up cannabis? Surely it's better to be crazy than addicted to heroin. Committing suicide is immoral so I can't do that. That's why I believe drug addicts should get the voluntary firing squad too. I'd have signed up for that years ago.

Happy new year everyone. The bastard from the council had the cheek to inform me my living conditions are of a reprehensibly low standard. Well he can go piss himself. It's my life. If I want to sleep in a nest of quilts like a tubby grizzly, that's what I shall do. He should FCK OFF and be soundly spanked. Or better still hanged.

How do I give up this terrible habit? I purchased some diazepam blues (Valium 10mg). They make me feel rubbery and nice. But nothing makes me feel nice enough. Is it really wrong to want to die? I never asked to live. Now people want to convince me that it's my duty to suffer. Why should this be so...?

I'm putting down my name for the Hospice Work I was talking about. It might take some time to get through the process of Reference Approval. I have no references, but the Druggie Agency ought to provide some. They are there, after all, to set druggie idiots back on the straight and narrow.

So wish me luck, please, and if you've any ideas, please pass them on. Click on "Answers" below ....

JOKE!

What do people call it when you talk to God?
Prayer.
What do people call it when God talks to you?
Psychosis.
What do you call somebody who thinks he IS God?
A psychiatrist.


HM Prison "Service" website. (A "service" most "service users" could well do without!)

Spanking in Singapore, Malaysia and Brunei


Illustrated: evil cannabis spliff; idiotic cannabis man; rapist's bum after 20 strokes of the cane; another criminal's bum after a good whipping ~ this is what they should have done to those corrupt MPs; Her Majesty's Prison Wormwood Scrubs where £20,000 fraudster MP will be punished but unfortunately not soundly caned.

33 comments:

Baino said...

Aww man! You were doing so well. No don't take up dope because if you have psychotic or psychological problems it exacerbates them. Cannibis can cause psychotic episodes in healthy people so if you're prone to depression or any psychological condition it is guaranteed to make it worse.

Z said...

Don't be ashamed, love, but please try to work out a way not to put yourself in temptation's way again. Please don't go on to cannabis if it makes you psychotic. Your only chance of getting well is to stop. I know that's easy for me to say, but don't hate yourself. Be a friend to yourself. You have friends here to talk to who don't judge you as harshly as you judge yourself.

Gledwood said...

Baino: I hate cannabis. The effect is so horrible it's unreal. I would never take it except from severe desperation. In a way I was being rhetorical, but if going crazy makes me not want to use, surely it's worthwhile... know what I mean? I don't know what else to do. I don't WANT to be continuously on heroin. And it's SO much more expensive than it used to be. Like I said I used to get 2 or 3 goes from £20, now I get ONE because it's so piss-weak. The idiots who take it every day don't seem to have noticed this, but I have. Also I'm shocked at their low standards. Nothing but the best is good enough for me, so I'm highly disappointed by the crap on sale now. How am I going to stop without going crazy again? When I was crazy last time I stopped. When I was on antidepressants and got severely depressed (which ought to be a contradiction in terms, but that's what happened) I also lost my desire to use. So will it really take a nervous breakdown to make me stop. Just shows what a ridiculously dire situation I actually am in. I HATE this drug. I HATE being an ADDICT. HATE HATE HATE... what shall I do????

Z: that's the thing, going mad is the only thing that made me stop before, so the cannabis has a kind of temptation about it. Maybe I'll ask the dr for some of those antimalarials that also send you over the edge. They might help... o what am I saying. See this is desperation talking

Puss-in-Boots said...

Sorry to hear you're using again Gleds. I've heard it said that it can take several attempts so don't give up. Remember, today's a new day and you can't do anything about yesterday. It's gone...over. But there's always a new start today.

All the very best in your efforts and no, smoking cannabis is not a good option. I've seen the damage that does in my own family.

I hope you can get the hospice work...it may help.

Hugs to you, Gleds.

Gledwood said...

Cannabis has a terrible terrible effect on me. It brings on a pretty full-blown paranoid psychosis complete with hallucinations.

I was only considering smoking it in the hope that the ensuing craziness would distract me enough to put me off heroin ever again.

Those idiots who believe cannabis is benign and ought to be prescribed to mental patients in lieu of Valium really haven't a clue what they're on about. THEY should try being psychotic and smoking a spliff on top and see how THEY like it. Fucking wankers.

Many thanks for the support. I just want RID of heroin from my life at any cost. NA say you need to go to any lengths. If sending myself mad is what it takes then I'm only doing things the NA way and NA cannot criticize me, ha ha ha ha har!

People who deal cannabis should be spanked until their bum explodes like in those photos. In fact I think caning should be reintroduced to this country for bent policemen, cannabis dealers and sex fiends. But most of all for the police. It would serve them right for CS gasing innocent people and using those tasers they love too much. If I knew it was the police I was beating I'd be well up for training as a State Whipping Operative. Fucking give those CS-gas, taser-happy bastards a taste of their own medicine. I'd only be willing to inflict sentences of 20 strokes minimum. And only if I could abrade the wounds with rough rock salt afterwards, then taser their arse and CS gas their eyes from a 1-inch distance. Like THEY do to innocent people. Fucking serve them right.

Anonymous said...

gledwood i wouldnt advise you getting a draw, it was alright 15 years ago when you werent forced to buy fuck off skunkweed every time you wanted a spliff, i guarantee with a decent bit of black or pollen press that psychosis would be lessened immensely - trouble is no fucker sells it any more...its like the breweries suddenly deciding everyone wants to drink woodses navy hundreds rum neat all the time and fuck everything else. unfortunately my friend you like me are in for the rough ride at the moment, i just hope something changes to make it a bit easier and i dont have the feeling of head-between-two-grindstones all the time like i do presently

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Gled,
Chemicals wouldn't be out there if people didn't need them.
My sister is an ex heroin addict. I never doubted that she needed it to cope with life.
I only wish this was all legalized, the one's wanting it, legally obtaining it..
I think many people cannot survive such a world witout chemical assistance.
I've hoped that in the U.S., fairly sensible place would recognize a need to legalize and provide with or w/o medical prof's opinion the psychological need of chemicals to those that need it.
I'm on xanax & amytriptiline 20+ yrs.
The dose I've cut myself down to hardly has any effect anymore.Though cause of the hasty,professional weaning process, I'm so afraid to up my dosage at all.
It's all unfair.
I understand your predicament very well.
I hope changes will occur, but it seems like only a miracle would get med. practitioners to open their eyes.
Anyhow, I stick by you, whatever, and hope your personal goals are fulfilled.
best regards,
j.

Baino said...

You're such a trippy bastard. I've left you an email so read it sometime. As for spam, get a decent spam filter you can download freeware if you want but gmail is pretty good at trapping spam in it's own filter and you just delete it. Doesn't appear in your email. Or just create a new email address. Hey you slipped off the wagon, get back on. Go read my email you twit. Honey I don't know what you should do but you have one of the best health systems in the world. Get over the self analytical shit and use it to your advantage. Wish you were here. I'd hide my wallet but I'd help you through. MWAH

Gledwood said...
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Gledwood said...

Taffeta, do you mind my asking how many mgs Xanax and amatryptyline you're on?

When i had that psychotic phase some weeks ago I lost all interest in heroin. So I wish I could have one again

As it is, I'm on about 30mg diazepam/Valium today, about 2 or 3 cans white cyder 500mls at 7.5% ABV (I have to count alcoholic units). I had a £20 bag of heroin but it was only 0.2g (ie about HALF what I'd have got before the terrible drought that's been going on for sucha long time. People think the gear is wonderful, the guy who scored for me (off a dealer I know anyhow) was raving about it, but he's been using every day. Unlike him, I had several weeks' break so I KNOW the current gear is CRAP. I do the entire £20 bags in one single hit now. You used to get anything from 0.6g to 0.5g to 0.4g. I'd get 3 hits from 0.6, about 3 from 0.5 and at least 2 from 0.4. Now I get ONE hit from 0.4 because the gear is shit. I cannot believe I'm wasting all this money. I've blown over £100 in about 5 days. Money I was meant to be saving for something PROPER. Now I feel like the biggest idiot.

If only I could go mad again. Yes I was "manic" ~ very fast, hearing voices, very paranoid, my mood varying from crystal clear to euphoric to briefly ecstatic... but swirled into this the deepest darkest depression I have experienced in my whole life. Perhaps it didn't show in writing because I was writing pretty fluently despite the fact that at some points I literally couldn't tell whether I was thinking or hearing (I was hallucinating voices so much). At some points my brain stopped thkining English and just went bada-bada-bing-bing-bong-bang-boom. Madness. But I was totally off drugs. This wasn't detoxing btw. Yes I switched heroin to prescribed methadone, but looking back I realized I was hearing voices 2 days BEFORE I switched over. Which throws any detox theory out the window. I just don't know what was happening, it was very intense, very crazy. The worst of it only lasted 2 or 3 days. I didn't sleep AT aLL for 2.5 days ~ 60 hours, then I slept about 4 or 5 hours. Woke up thinking I was listening to the radio but it was a hallucinatory voice, babbling away for over half an hour! It kept going when I got up, went to the loo, this radio broadcast continued. Most intriguing! I saw a shrink on the Thursay, thinking it had worn off and I'd come down but he saw that I most definitely hadn't. I was bouncing off the walls! In the following days I felt so bad at times, if you imagine waking up after a car crash covered in bandages in pain, unable to move, that was my mental state. All I could do was curl up in a ball and try to heal. This was THEE most intense psychological experience of my life bar none. Afterwards I was extremely shaken and jarred. I got hit on the head by a truck some years ago and got concussion. For a week I literally did not know what was going on. This psychotic thing was many times more jarring than getting hit on the head by that truck. I coped by withdrawing into myself... am I really going to have to go through that all again just in order to be well?

I'd RATHER be CRAZY than an addict. I'd rather be WELL than CRAZY. By well I really do mean well. Properly well. Not some half-arsed version of well, low-grade depression and misery I mean FINE AND OK AN DOING VERY WELL INDEED... how am I going to achieve this.

I'm going to do this Hospice volunteering.

Please if you have any good ideas or advice, COMMENT, PLEASE!

I'm lost lost lost. I need to be FOUND FOUND FOUND. And properly OK. A half-arsed version of OK is just not good enough I NEED TO BE WELL.

Many many thanks for all your support.

HAVE A FANTABULOUS 2011!
;-)

Gledwood said...
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Gledwood said...

Baino what do you mean about the analytical shit and doing what I need to do re the health service? You mean seeing a psychiatrist?

That's what I'm going to have to do? It got to the point when I went crazy that I HAD to see a doctor to say LOOK THIS HAPPENED TO ME SEE WHAT I TOLD YOU WAS REAL. I'm glad they saw it. Now they know at least I'm not a bullshitter just making up a mixed bag of everything to make myself seem complexicated and interesting. Because that's the impression I was getting. That nobody truly believed me. They saw me as a bullshitter. Now they've seen how I actually AM. AT LAST. That wasn't my motivation for going to the dr at the time, but afterwards I saw I'd done myself a huge favour by showing the dr who I actually was. They got me SO BADLY WRONG.

YOU TALK ABOUT SELF-ANALYSIS but I was ASKED TO DO THIS!!!

I don't spend hours navel-gazing, I really don't. My writing style is analytical, my living style is not.

When I went into that psychotic "manic" like phase self-analysis was the last thing on my mind. I was having a ball, watching amazing lights. I saw the Northern Lights in multicolours inside my own home. I saw police lights flashing and was taken to an ecstatic "7th heaven"!

The only analysis I need to do is to write down what I think my problems are. My problems aren't to do with "oh I'm suffering so terribly, my life is so much worse than anyone else's" ... sometimes people assume this of me, they get me totally wrong. I absolutely loathe that attitude, that one's own experience of life is the worst, that nobody understands me... all that bullshit. I have no time for.

My problem has to do with being one person (we are after all all one person) but one who doesn't add up. I don't know how or why this is. The problems it causes are to do with not getting stuff done I really need to do. THAT is what I need to sort out.

Have you any advice regarding this? I don't care what label might apply. I wanna know how to be BETTER. Not just BETTER but WELL. TRULY WELL for ONCE IN MY LIFE. WELL!!

You don't need to hide your money from me, I wouldn't have a clue where to score in Sydney. Aussie gear is about five times as expensive as British stuff, I could never afford it and druggie tourism is SO MUCH not my style. I'm a familiarity junkie. My entire using career took place in a square of London about 2 miles square!

I'm starting saving money again from next week. Fed up of this RIDICULOUS situation I've put myself in. Absolutely ridiculous and highly annoying. I hate myself for it.

Trippy bastard. See that's me. Trip trip trip. With no trippy drugs. Now ain't that sublime. Means I'm saving myself a fortune on free Ecstasy/etc! Ha ha ha ha har!

I WILL go and check those emails more carefully. I'm scared of getting accosted by more Viagra and rabbits. It's 5:56am and I don't need sexual services from Escorts in Kiev!

Janice said...

Keep trying Gled, we're all behind you.

Gledwood said...

Thanks Janice!

I can but try. But that sounds lame.

I'm not into trying I'm into doing. Trying isn't enough. Doing is what it takes. I have to DO IT. Once it's DONE, IT'S DONE. IT NEVER HAS TO BE DONE AGAIN. BECAUSE I'LL BE FREE OF THAT RUBBISH FOR EVER!!

Baino said...

Sorry forgot to answer your ancestry question, We were ten pound poms also and I came here when I was 11 so English by birth (Stockport in Lancashire) but now a naturalised Aussie (didn't hurt a bit) MWAH

Syd said...

Gleds, I am sorry to hear that you succumbed to heroin again. If you really want to quit, you will. I hope that you do. I think that you know we care about you. But you have got to also care enough about yourself. Wishing you the best.

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

Gledwood my friend, you are living in delusion that YOU can control and enjoy your life and control and enjoy your drugging...which is really just a way to control and enjoy your sobriety anyway.

You are insane and you need to stop. You're going to die doing this.

But you probably don't think so, no addict/alcoholic does. they believe their way of living is the only sane way to get through.

There is a solution.

You have to be willing. Willing to do anything to stop. Willing to stop making your own plans up, willing to stop managing your own titrate of drug and antidote.

Truth is, your way doesn't work. You just keep using anyway and you don't even really know why.

Good luck. I have the feeling you might be one of those unfortunate ones who looks at all the others and says, "I'm just not that bad." And continue to stick to your own plans until one day you realize you got there, to that bad and more, without even realizing how easy and quick it was.

NA, AA, CA all work for someone who wants another life more than they want drugs.

I believe I told you the only direction to take when you finally do get to the bottom, when your finally brought to your knees in the fetal position and being given the choice to pray or score. Desperate prayer works, then you have the ability once it does to take a new direction... the next step in recovery... ask someone who was there and is sober, what next.

Gledwood said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gledwood said...

Baino: o wow! And I bet you're Aussie now, but!

Syd: I do have the will to clean up. I'm tired of my idotic existence. I still have a little money saved from not using and I'm going on a little spree tomorrow to buy normal things that , that you can keep, that aren't gone in a flash. That are worthwhile. I used to love going shopping. I can't wait to get out of the house tomorrow. I'm fed u of everything involved in heroin I want out and away from the sfuff. Tomorrow's mini spening spree ought to be a healthy start!!

Jess: Gledwood my friend, you are living in delusion that YOU can control and enjoy your life and control and enjoy your drugging...which is really just a way to control and enjoy your sobriety anyway...
I take your point. You're quite correct I DID used to feel that way, that I was in control. That was the primary attraction of heroin, it appeared to give GREATER control over my life than I'd ever had before. Very soon I realized I was out of control. I hate being like that. As time went on I totally lost any semblance of control over my using. Which is the problem I have with people who tried to inform me my using was a "choice". To an addict, using heroin is no more a rational, informed choice than a pilot flying a hijacked plane with a gun to his head. My using was automatic. No "choice" was involved, at least not in any meaningful sense of the word "choice". I realized I DID INDEED HAVE A CHOICE. That choice was to STOP. And that's the choice I'm exercising now. Because I'm fed up of joyriding through life with a three year old at the wheel, a child for whose actions I am responsible despite this kid's youth and immaturity. This kid makes moves that truly terrify me. And I want out. I'm a 38 year old man with responsibilities and a "life" I want to live again. With heroin I had no life. I need that life back. Thank God I'm moving forward. Thank God I harnessed some Willingness. Thank God I found myself able to move on meaninfgully with my existence without heroin featuring at all. I hate heroin for all it has done. It's made the biggest mess. It's time to forget heroin and rediscover the art of living. I don't know how to do that, but other people have done that. If they can do it, so can I...!

Akelamalu said...

Aw Gleds I wish you hadn't done that. :(

I don't have any advice for you hon apart from keep trying. If you really want to stop you will do it.

I'm thinking of you. x

Gledwood said...

Tomorrow I'm going into town. That should take my mind off gear!

jams o donnell said...

Don't give up because of this setback Gledwood. You can do it!

Gledwood said...

Aye, I've little choice :-( :-)

Furtheron said...

Love the joke!

"I SCORED HEROIN YET AGAIN THIS EVENING. I wasn't intending to do it. But I did. I used."

You are an addict it is what you do. As the programme says we are defenseless against the first fix, drink, bet (readers insert your vice of choice here)

Failure isn't falling down, it's staying down. Get up again have another go

Anonymous said...

was this mister 'forced you to do gear' again? or did rich kid hold a gun to your head too? did you get the oner back off the first lad? i hope not, you woulda only did it in on the gear you just got....be honest with yourself and your posts for fucks sake, i support you in wanting to get somewhere with your life and i know what a headfuck it is better than your little womens institute meeting that pop up on here ever will but your posts are starting to smack of poor me too much...do you wanna be a daily mail rehabilitation project? eventually when you fuck up completely they can walk away and say 'well we always knew that was on the cards'. GRAB YOUR BALLS AND SAY FUCK IT!!!!!

Gledwood said...

Furtheron: Tomorrow is another day. I'm EXCEEDINGLY ANNOYED ABOUT IT I JUST WANT THIS SHIT ARSE CUNT OF A DAY OVER WITH SO IT CAN BE TOMORROW AND I CAN DO ALL I HAVE PLANNED TO DO TOMORROW. AS IT IS I'M STEWING HERE JUST WAITING FOR THE FUCKING DATE TO CHANGE, FOR MY VALIUM TO KNOCK ME OUT AND FOR TOMORROW TO FUCKING COME. I FUCKING HATE LOATHE DETEST SUNDAY. FUCKING CUNTWANK OF A DAY. NO WONDER THE ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH CHOSE SUCH A SHIT ARSE DAY AS THEIR COUNTERFEIT SABBATH. SUNDAY'S THE SHITTIEST DAY OF THE WEEK.

Anon: OF COURSE I DIDN'T GET THE HUNDRED QUICD BACK, BUT I DID GET 40 quid worth of free drugs off the fucker. Serves him right.

None of this is "excuses" the way I see it. Simple facts of the matter.

I want out out out and I WANT FUCKING TOMORROW TO COME NOW I FUCKING LOATHE TODAY I WANT IT TO BE TOMORROW IN FACT I'M DROPPING ANOTHER 20MG VALIUM I DON'T WANT TO BE CONSCIOUS OR AWAKE I JUST WANT IT TO BE FUCKING MONDAY I'M SO PISSED OFF IT'S UNREAL

hang on poor me, what's poor about me? explain please.

i have lovely psychotic experiences that I really enjoy, I love hearing voices, I love being euphoric and hyperactive. What's poor me about that?

The only poor me is that I'm idiot enough to be addicted to drugs and for that I deserve to die. Face facts: THAT IS THE TRUTH.

YOU'RE WELCOME TO COME AND DO ME IN THE NECK WITH A KNIFE ANY TIME YOU PLEASE. If you think I'm poor me put your money where your mouth is and slash my carotid artery downwards. Don't just bang on about how annoyed you are, do something positive for a change. Make the world a better place

Gledwood said...

Sorry Anon that was really childish of me. You don't have to stab me in the neck if you don't want to. It's just Sunday. I hate Sunday's and I'm pissed off like you wouldn't believe. Don't take anything I say too seriously :-)

Gledwood said...

Sorry Anon that was really childish of me. You don't have to stab me in the neck if you don't want to. It's just Sunday. I hate Sunday's and I'm pissed off like you wouldn't believe. Don't take anything I say too seriously :-)

Gledwood said...

Sorry Anon that was really childish of me. You don't have to stab me in the neck if you don't want to. It's just Sunday. I hate Sunday's and I'm pissed off like you wouldn't believe. Don't take anything I say too seriously :-)

Anonymous said...

see youre not alone gledwood, i hate fuckin sundays too, but its no biggie, cause i hate mondays tuesdays wednesdays thursdays fridays and saturdays too. you really read me wrong there, the last thing i wanna do is stick a blade in your neck, the one thing i wanna see less than that is you doing it yourself - DONT GIVE THE CUNTS THE SATISFACTION....i could fuckin well be you, a double digit year smack habit, history of mental illness, trying to jog it on while feeling like your head is stuck between two grindstones...the shitstem that turns intelligent articulate vital and sensitive people like yourself into smackheads wants you to fuckin do yourself in - fuck em, doing their dirty work for them..thats a sin, but not the biggest one, the biggest one is when they try and outcaste you just cause of what you put in your OWN fuckin body, they cant bear you to have that much independent thought, so the guns of society are brought to bear on you, thats the real fuckin sin....i can function perfectly well on heroin, hold down a responsible job, house relationship all that bullshit - in fact the only reason i didnt do more (degree etc) is the time and money constraints placed on you by illegality...then youre placed on the soul destroying and castrating methadone to turn you into a pliable vegetable, ask your self this, when doctors get opiate habits why is methadone NEVER the drug they divert, its fit for nothing except to give you two habits and the system a hook in your mouth
im rambling now gledwood, i got barely enough strength of my own to fuck all this off, but i wanna send YOU a bit so you can fuck it off too - reading your blog makes me think you got a good heart, i was well impressed by your righteous stance on nonces among other things - thats what im trying to say, the fuckers WANT you ground into the floor by a boot heel, FUCK EM!

The horse lawyer said...

Hey Gled,
Sorry about the relapse but it's all part of the journey. Good luck tomorrow. It sucks but you can do it.

Becky said...

My heart broke as I read your post. I know how difficult it is to give up something you have been addicted to. There is a great book that you may be interested in checking out titled, "Soaring Above Co-Addiction" by Lisa Espich. The book offers a thorough list of resources and suggested reading for both co-addiciton recovery, and recovery for the addict. hang in there you can do it!

Gledwood said...

Anon: I filled in a questionnaire at the druggie agency the other day with my usual answers PRESCRIBE INJECTABLE DIAMORPHINE AND MORPHINE PILLS and told the receptionist, who wouldn't know as she is just the receptionist and she said "I thought methadone was the liquid version of heroin"...!!! As you say nobody ever chooses methadone to abuse. I know that's why they give it out, but they're also shooting themselves in the foot as methadone DOES NOT WORK. It takes away nothing of the desire to use. It holds you physically (just) but psychologically not at all. The facts speak for themselves. Addicts on methadone using on top for DECADES on end.

If things don't get better I'm demanding opiate therapy or some mood stabilizer or SOMETHING I don't think I can do this alone. Or I'll just solve it myself with a glass to my neck and save a lot of people a lot of trouble

Horse: I used yesterday but knew it was a waste as I was doing it. The gear was some of the worst ever. There's a drought, the quality sucks. I think anyone selling gear at less than 97% purity should get life with 50000 lashes. Anyone selling gear of 97% purity or higher should get a £100,000 tax rebate.

Becky: I have to do it or I'm only going to kill myself. Drugs will never kill me. I will do it with my own hand. That is what always annoyed me when my parents friends etc went on about me killing myself with heroin. FAT FUCKING CHANCE. Too much tolerance. I could go well over £100 a day when I had money, that on heroin alone. I will never die on heroin. If only, if fucking only. Main appeal was I knew it was deathly now look at me, a walking shadow but still fucking alive

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood