HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Saturday Afternoon Quick

I am rushing faster than I thought I was. Two cups of tea set it off, if you want blame. Should I blame something or was it just me? I felt anxious, then had to find my keys, then had to go get methadone after going post office to get out money to lend someone else. Then I went saw Paddadadster gave him £25 then I felt PHEWWWEWWWW!! Deflated, down to the ground, but in a good way, then I was hyper again by the public library, pacing, racing. Pinging in all directions inside there. Found a Readers Digest Family Health guide, right there on the shelf-end, found myself in there, didn’t like what I saw. Snapped book shut. Pinged out, up the road, phone rang someone had seen me who was in that Magical Mystery Tour Car last Saturday saying I saw you from the bus how’s it going. Very well. Very quick. I didn’t say quick, but talked it.

Now I’m in bedroom as other room so chilly my hands barely move. Open windows no heating. My own heater’s broken or the fuse has gone.

Last night I slept maybe 11 or 12 hours. 10:30 to 10:30 with some awake “uuuuuuh?!?” in between. First time I got up it was just after nine, but I was sure the click was broken and it was 7pm ie not 0900 but 1900 hours but no. It just felt like I slept hours and hours and hours MORE than I did. I had a weird dream about a servant girl from Upstairs Downstairs in our house sneaking upstairs to take the dogs for a walk.

I went to NA last night but was only there for the chair [life story given at beginning]. I was tripping* with “auditory hallucinations” all day and all night.

Yesterday day time I went to the laundrette but again was tripping. And trying not to drink too much as people think I’m an alcoholic when I just was off on one anyway.
That’s my diary for today and yesterday. Hope it makes sense.

Hope y’all are OK. Take care XX

*I haven't taken a drugs trip for over 10 years, this tripping/hallucinating is just me, what happens

thanks Lizzie
part of that's the tune from moby's GO. jam and spoon did AGE OF LOVE BY AGE OF LOVE remix
which is fantastic trance classic, from a Tsuyoshi psychotrance mix tape we had back in 1994 which seems ANCIENT now!

this tune is transcendently beautiful. note the foreign voice "come on, dance with me, move your body..." trance was & is international
VIDEO the waters are Goa-green. When I went to India, the water I saw was emerald green, not sapphire blue I was expecting... except perhaps in Tamil Nadu, which is on the Bay of Bengal-cum-Indian Ocean (not the Arabian Sea as is Goa) ... I'd love to Goa back...
for non-trance-party purposes, i thik this mix is better than the one at the bottom

AGE OF LOVE AGE OF LOVE JAM & SPOON REMIX same as above but longer 6 mins not 3

MOBY GO 2 VIDEOS the distinctive tune is the twin peaks music, not the theme tune, the tune that made it seem so dreamlike in-sequence ...
apart from the awful piano break i quite like this one:~~~~~~~~

different visuals, different mix


lizzydripping said...

loving the music gleds moby go makes me want to cry
how about this one its the first 12" i bought after my first ruhbarb and custard at my first spiral tribe party

Gledwood said...

Papua New Guinea... doesn't that sound a little bit like Long Dark Tunnel? I can't play till later, broadband maxxed out!

I always used to mix that tune up with Urban Shakedown Some Justice, the sunlight at dawn "Now-eeee-yeah We Live As One Family" "woman" sounded rather New Guinean to me ..!

Baino said...

Great music choices although the 'trippiness' is a bit weird. Part of the withdrawal maybe? You talking to your psych about these episodes?

Gledwood said...

yeah the psych knows about them, he was asking me how paranoid i was etc etc, then i went into one re hep c tests and their computer then (a few hours later) thought "oh shit" ~ that was paranoia speaking!

i'm on methadone though, just not heroin. nobody else seems to get it this bad, which i don't understand. maybe i'm just not receptive to methadone mentally. i got told you feel flat and assumed everyone felt suicidal/or just started into space when not doing anything. That WAS me on methadone. Now i'm too hyped up. which i cannot 100% complain about, obviously it's better than depression any day of the week, even though it does get ultra intense...

... hmmmm. strange, i know

i see the psych in a month, that means (i hope) it's rolling appointments from now on. you wouldn't usually get appointments more frequently than that on the nhs, only emergency ones (like the other day)

muhammadrazzaq said...

In the final analysis, I have to tip my cap to any magazine that has the balls and intelligence to include Japanese animation on their list.



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood