HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, January 07, 2011

£9.30 takeaway

Tonight I had balti chicken with nan bread, yogurt dips and a green salad for the princely sum of £9.30. Well it's not going on heroin, I reasoned. Heroin is a thing of the past, yet again. I can't believe I ever went back to it. And with that friend who tempted me I am highly annoyed. I have had enough of people. People bring nothing but confusion. They mess up my existence. No thanks.

I felt so stupid wielding that needle around hands and feet and legs. Over the time I'd stopped I'd grown totally unfamiliar with the process of banging up the Z-grade narcotics found on Britain's streets.

I wasted more than £80 chasing a high from rubbish that was never going to do anything for me. £80, £90... nearly £100. The binge went on for four days. I call it a binge because compared to not using at all for weeks on end, that's what it was. A huge waste of time and money. I only had the money because I'd NOT been blowing it all on piss-weak "heroin". And what did heroin ever do for me anyhow?

Nothing. It only ever was a massive waste of time.

True, very briefly the drug put me back together again at a time when I felt I needed to be together, to function, to get things done.

But the upshot of heroin use after years is the very opposite effect: protracted apathy, low-grade misery. A wasted life. I never really needed heroin then. I certainly don't need it now.


Anonymous said...

i read your blog and i relate to your struggle to a certain extent being a struggling baghead myself but its wrong to blame your pal unless he had a shotgun at your head forcing you to do gear

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Balti chicken sounds good.
Kinder to your stomach too.
Everyone binges on something,be it food,alcohol,sugar even.
If you recognize it as a waste of time, it's probably less a torment to one who doesn't.
I hope you achieve anything you desire. You seem to be very strong willed and that's a plus.
best wishes,

Gledwood said...

Anon: I gave this bastard a huge speech about how crap the gear was, how he was wasting his money, how I hadn't the slightest interest in doing it "oh but you don't have to do it"... yeah right. Next time I'm making it real real easy for him and telling him FUCK OFF. No fucking respect.

Yes it's true I never said "no" but I did literally everything else except say NO. Someone who cannot hear that really has a screw lose.

True I cannot blame him; on the other hand if he hadn't insisted for half an hour nonstop I'd never have gone near that shit like I did. I'm also charging him £100 for the money I wasted.

Taffeta: I had balti, Valium and drink. Way better than heroin. The idea of giving up drinking's gone on a backburner thanks to idiotic HEROIN.

I'm really pissed off with that bastard banging on at me for gear because I so much didn't want it.

Thanks for the comments they are good points.

Merle said...

Dear Gleds ~~ Thanks for the royal
bearing and Queen Mum mention. I do
believe you were not overly fond of the Queen Mum. I certainly enjoyed my visit to see all my relatives.
A quiet Christmas and New Year was probably better for you with your current fight to get free. I hope the psychiatrist can help you, but you need credit for what you have done yourself. Making the decision to be rid of drugs is a big move and despite the binge. I am quite
sure you will achieve success. And who knows what great things await you. BTW your house cleaning is inspiring me to do some of the same, so thanks for that my friend
Take care and Happy New Year, Love, Merle.

Gledwood said...

I can actually see my FLOOR now Merle!

I didn't "hate" the Queen Mother, I just had this theory that she was rather into getting her own way and didn't allow the Queen the leeway she deserved to be her own person, especially considering she IS the Queen. I always found it weird the way they had the same favourite drink (Dubonnet and gin), the same dogs (Corgis) etc etc... since the Queen Mum died the Queen really seems to have come into her own, her fashion sense has improved drastically. No more of those dreadful Norman Hartnell dresses that I loathed. Now she wears amazing hats and for a lady in her 80s dresses absolutely amazingly. Good on her!

Yes the binge messed everything up. I'm determined not to go back to that rubbish. I'm fed up of heroin. The damage it has caused me is unreal.

It's weird though that despite the constant low-grade misery addiction imposed on me, heroin did hold me together. When I stopped taking it I lost it BIG TIME. People don't seem to grasp just how severe that breakdown was. I googled the symptoms and they match "psychotic mania with mixed manic/depressive features, severe hallucinations (I was hearing voices) and pretty extreme paranoia). I know people were trying to be nice but it sometimes sounds like they're trying to minimize an experience that was very, very intense, very weird and very extreme. Far more extreme than anything I've experienced before. The point being I was NOT on drugs when this happened, neither was I in withdrawal. When I saw the psychiatrist, thinking I was OK, because the very peak of this lasted only 2 days. But it actually took the best part of 2 weeks to wear off and afterwards I felt like a road accdent victim, covered in bandages and in such pain. I once got hit on the head by a truck and believe me this psychotic experience was FAR more intense, more jarring than concussion ever was. All I could do afterwards was curl up in an armchair trying to heal myself. My head was lit up like a television set. I could see people stabbing each other. I was VERY VERY down. Then within hours I was HYPER and HIGH again, high like on crack. But I'd not been using crack. I'm glad the doctor saw this. Now at least they know when i say these weird things happen they know I'm not just lying to make myself seem more interesting and complicated because that's the impression I got. I really need to sort myself out but HOW? Before I went on the heroin binge I was hearing voices again. Not really loud or bad, but I was. I know people have tried to be kind and supportive but they sometimes seem to miss the point this stuff is outside the range of ordinary people's experience ~ of course it is. I need to sort myself out. No excuses. No self-indulgence. I really need to know what I can do. I now have the willingness to do it.
When I think of this from a distance I feel sad, because my experiences are those of a pretty messed-up person. Surely there's something practical I can do. Whatever happens I will survive. Thanks so much for your comment, Merle. I'm sorry if I've gone on, I just find it difficult to explain the inexplicable. A lot of my life IS inexplicable. That doesn't mean I cannot cope or come out of it. It just means I perhaps need different techniques. Know what I mean?
Have a great New Year, Merle xxxxxxxx

Furtheron said...

the curry sounds great...

your struggle sounds to still be in the right direction... as ever my best wishes for you to keep moving in the right direction for you

Gledwood said...

Furtheron: The curry was really good. At £9.30 it had to be! And I got 2 free chocolates! AND I found a Chinese restaurant-cum-takeaway just down the road that was packed out. A very good sign. I wonder what their curry chicken mix vegetable fried rice is like. My local one does ordinary fried rice with Morrisons frozen mixed veg stirred in ~ NOT my definition of good cooking. There's one called Dong Fng Hong about 25 mins walk tht's way better. Their vegetable fried rice has cabbage, sweetcorn, mushrooms nd all manner of sweet entertinment inside ~ WAY better than Pong Bong, my local. If I had the NRG I'd go to Dong Fang Hong every single time..!! I'm going to try Bang Tong next time, the restaurnt that was packed out. SOMETHING's bringing all those people in there... it must be loads of MSG or really good cooking.... or hopefully BOTH.

BTW I found out something vaguely disconcerting about MSG. In psychosis, glutamate metabolism goes through the roof in mania and excited states and shuts down almost completely in depression and withdrawn states. So there is a possibility that my "mental breakdown" could have been triggered by excessive MSG consumption. I KNOW that glutmate metabolism and MSG consumption do not NECESSARILY go hand-in-glove the way one might assume, but it DOES seem suspiciously coincidental that my Pong Fang MSG went MISSING while I was crazy. I thought a goblin had purloined it for the sake of my mental health. It just might be that the Mental Health Goblin was absolutely correct to do this...(!)

PS Anonymous: Mr Forced Me To Do Gear is visiting this afternoon. I cannot wait becuse I'm REPREHENDING HIS HEAD OFF for fucking my life up. The bastard!!

It's always good to blme someone else for one's troubles and I blame Mr Get Me Some Gear Even Though I Know You Don't Take It And I'm Totallly Jeapordizing Your Sobriety Just By Asking ~ he fucking deserves good reprimand. Plus he owes me £100.

Akelamalu said...

I love an Indian take-away occasionally but I couldn't eat a full one to myself so MWM and I usually share it and there's plenty.

I'm glad you spent your money on food and not heroin m'dear, keep it up. x

Liz said...


I am grateful for your blog.

Anna Grace said...

I'm apathetic.



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood