HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, January 17, 2011

Today, this afternoon, here just me ha ha hee hee

AKH i couldn't sleep last night!! up till well past 6. i slept from sometime around 7 till a couple of mins past 1pm. Carol McGiffin was on Loose Women. Loose Women is like that American tellyprog where Whoopi Goldberg comes on and talks, it's supposed to be like that but less substantial (unusually: transatlantic thihgs often go the opposite way round as y'all might have noticed). yeah i woke up with my head buzzing music words yeah yeah ha ha from the second i woke up this means i am hyper ane enjoying it. if the methadone chemist dare gives a "you're on crack look" I will yell I'M NOT SLEEPING I'M ON NOTHING. i actually forgot to go to bed last night. well not that i usually need to remember. within 24 minus however many hours i sleep, give or take 2 or 3 i'm out for the count. this time it took a good 26+ hours to go, i had pictures behind my eyes that were really cool, like when you're heavily stoned on cannabis or mildly stoned (in my case) (what does happen to other people? i've no idea really............) {not the ultra-bright imagery i mentioned before, more vivid hypnogogia the second eyes are closed in full consciousness}
yeah yeah what gotta go fucking chemist not in mood for that little escapade being judged YET AGAIN. all that could ice my present cake is the landlord if he really wants to be yelled at i'm in the mood to GO. do you know i have never actually lamped someone my entire life, apart from very childish behaviour in primary school. never actually got into a fight because in my ordinary state i would never rise to one. i think you're giving somebody one over you if you let them get to you. you shouldn't hang your feellings on someone else, ESPECIALLY in a relationship. listen to amy winehouse's lyrics. that girl has a lot of growing up to do, or did when she last put out some music.

i think that one's messed up a possible international career for good. she'll always have a career in britain because once you make it here and are able to connect to your audience you always will have a career. it's much easier to be a star here than the usa, just read a few biogs if you don't believe me. i used to love life stories of famous, or more to the point high-accomplishing people because i took inspiration from them. this was before the current trend for giant-print (ie hardly any content) written in 2-weeks, never even met a friend of the person just collated press clippings and got £20 grand or so for a book on somebody like KERRY CATONA. i of all people shouldn't label anybody else a train-wreck but i do look at her sometimes and think bloody hell WHAT is she doing? supposedly bipolar though i've never seen it. you wanna see bipolar, look at frank bruno on This Morning ~ really entertaining slightly inappropriate wording. it's his overall demeanour that's manic he was so funny. he always has been funny. frank bruno is a boxer. i once won £10 by betting tyson would knock him out in round 3. never made money on a dog. can do boxing and horses. horses i pick like a girl, by the name and the odds. if 3 horses in one race are at 3 to 1 there's little point putting money on a 6 to 1. i bet at about 6 to one when that's the 3rd or 4th horse down in level of odds. really even odds mean there's little point betting on another horse. i've won a few times on horses. dogs i do not understand. hamster betting i might be good at.

talking bipolar i just remembered the biggest load of cowshit i have ever seen. mike tyson and his ex wife robin something on tv with him obviously chemical-coshed and her ruling over him with the word "bipolar" as the stick to beat him. i'm not posting the youtube you go find it yourself if you want it, but that is bullshit when i see it.

what am i fucking talking about/?? well nothing doing so far except me swaying in the chair feeling nice nice way nicer than yesterday night i really felt awful bordering on desperate yesterday evening

drinking: i had 4 cans and i just deleted a load of expletives as i don't want to aleinate anybody by being my idiot self yes 4 cans is DOUBLE the day before big fucking wow

today so far, 1 can. o hang on was it 5 yesterday...? I don't think so i am pretty sure it was 4. mood yesterday bottomed out -3 for a good 6 hours rest of the time at night weirdly sistant mild euphoria mingled with urge to cry that's all i can say on that score i'm supposed to rate myself not by the plus minus scheme i invented but a more biorhythmic one where sleep, appetite, euphoria/dysphoria, mental energy, physical energy etc are rated separately that's because they don't always go up and down in sync hence the weirder symptoms when it stops being just a bit whacky and is mentally ill with a nasty sounding label. well i fried my brains on acid didn't i so what can i expect


this isn't the clip i meant this is far more recent with holly willoghby presenting. she looks really good in a dress, like my ex did, turn sideways there's a hip-to-thigh shiny S. when i put on the dress it nearly burst at the shoulders and was empty where it looks sexy on her yeah bc i wear women's clothing so very frequently along with decleor fuckit i don't even know what the shit is called

going to see my friend, my old friend rebsie who i met, weirdly when on the pipe but not on the pipe end of last year we have in common a not bothering with gear despite her 35 year habit my 10 year habit and i love her, even though i fucked her off for about 5 years which isn't personal it's me drifting away or her drifting away if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my freinds friendship lasts for ever, friendship never ends.... i texted her an hour ago im going down there later on

Illustrated: Bruno/Tyson fight; Carol McGiffin (Rebsie my friend looks like and is like her sister); Kerry Katona; Holly Willoughby in a dress

Online NA meetings UK: Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Sunday 19:30 hrs local time. That is 2:30pm Eastern; 11:30am Pacific; 20:30 Central Europe; 06:30 Australia. If you're reading this long after it was posted bear in mind time differences alter in summer


lizzydripping said...

i have similar thoughts about kerry catona - more like personality disorder me thinks!
good luck with rebsie i think you are a beautiful soul and deserve a bit of lovin'
big love to you mate x
p.s. was that you i was talking to on gabber at around 6ish this morning?

Gledwood said...

she's not my lover she's only my friend we've never done it despite her flashing her tits when she managed to burn one deep-fat frying while pissed

i have to go to na at 7pm which is going to put this off till tomorrow considering it's 6 now aaarrkkhhhhhhhh

yes it was me! i switched off b4 you said goodbye i know bc i had 2 screens open

Baino said...

Well that was a fast paced rant if ever I read one! Have fun visiting your friend.

lizzydripping said...


another classic tune!

Gledwood said...

Baino: it's always lovely to have a rant yeah. hey i went to na and was NOT ON HEROIN wow

Liz: sorry I have to wait to view that as broadband stick running out

Gledwood said...

Lizzie: Wow! I posted that one up ;-)



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood