HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, January 09, 2011

The birds are singing in the jungle

WELL IT'S BEEN NOT MUCH OF A DAY. I barely slept last night I'm happy and unhappy and annoyed and not annoyed and on drugs and not on drugs (ie I haven't taken any since this morning and that was because somebody else paid). From tomorrow onwards it's no drugs for me. I can't believe I backslid so ridiculously. I'm highly annoyed with myself.

So here's some birdsong to strains of drum & bass. MY LIFE KEEPS CHANGING... it certainly does.

It's Sunday night and I cannot wait till all this is over and Monday has begun. I loathe Sundays, absolutely hate them. All time pits day of the week ...

Fabio and Grooverider* played this on their jungle sets on Kiss FM in the early 90s. I spent ages seeking out this tune and found it at last:

VAN KLEEF: LIFE BEGAN CHANGING
I like the birdsong




*Idiotic DJ Grooverider was arrested with 2.16g cannabis at Dubai airport and sentenced to 4 years prison. Unfortunately no public whipping, which he wholly deserved. Considering most tokers ~ bar the most selfish type ~ pass this most noxious and evil of all drugs to their friends, and that cannabis can induce psychosis within two minutes of ingestion, that sentence is very light indeed. They say the only case of death from cannabis involved a kilo-block of hashish falling from a high window and striking an unwitting passer-by in Morocco. What they fail to mention is the living death cannabis induces in its more sensitive users. I can't believe they dealt with this guy so leniently. he even got a pardon 10 months into his sentence. Heroin addicts ~ who merely self-medicate the unbearable darkness of being ~ are treated like the scum of the earth. Just goes to show how The Rulers of the Dark object to any escape from the misery they impose on those who dwell on earth.

8 comments:

naomi said...

my mother is a nurse, has been since she went to hitchin to train aged 17 (she is now 53), she is also a qualified midwife, now working as a district nurse. i admire medical professionals beyond belief. she deals with a lot of drug addicts, alongside old people, as often their gangrenous legs mean they cant get out etc, their collapsed veins have caused them problems, heart issues etc. she and her collegues treat them with the upmost respect it makes me want to cry.
ANYWAY my mum worked in pallative care next dore to a famous hospice in cambridge called arthur rank (my uncle died in here) and i often donate to their shop. i tried to volunteer here and they contacted my key worker and gp for references and they said because i had bipolar disorder etc. i was not stable enough to deal with death and i couldnt volunteer there- or rather, it wasnt advisable.
not wanting to put a downer on it or anything, you are older; i was 21, but they might see you better able to deal with it. hope so. it can be amazing.

my mums patient just went into that hospice, and she visisted him. he couldnt really talk but the way his eyes lit up and seeing her come; that she bothered, when she was just his nurse, made all teh difference in his dying days. good on you for volunteering, its wicked

YOU ARE NOT THE TYPICAL JUNKIE!

Anna Grace said...

This comment has nothing to do with the post, but do you masturbate? If so how often? If not when was the last time?

Did you know that Brit woman have the largest breast per capita. Did your ex have large jugs?

Btw, sundays do suck. If my questions to private no need to approve it or answer, but you could email me, and tell me.

Syd said...

Whew....

Puss-in-Boots said...

Put the past behind you and move on, Gleds. So you backslide...tomorrow's a new day to look forward to a new start. You'll do it...on a much lesser scale it's the same for a smoker trying to give up. (I know about that). It took me quite a while and I backslid a few times. The beauty of it is that a backslide is not the end...it's just a delay and you can start the quitting process again. The main thing is don't beat up on yourself, Gleds. You're human and allowed to make mistakes. As the song says, they're the only things you can truly call your own.

Hang in there...you'll do it.

Furtheron said...

stop having Sundays.... what I mean is find a way to fill Sundays up - I know AA members who go to 2 or 3 meetings over the weekends just to "shut the head up"

anyway - hoping today and the rest of this week is a good one for you

Gledwood said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gledwood said...

Naomi I'm with you there. I agree with the hospice system 100%. Leave poor dying people alone. As they say laughter is the best medicine (on top of diamorphine)... be kind, be nice, bring joy to people's last days. That's why I want to work in a hospice. I think it's an honour to be with people in their final hours. A real honour.

AnnaGrace I wish I could. At least I might get some fun. Like I said, I have no libido at all, I'm sure there's something wrong with me. It's not physical it's mental, the desire just is not there. In a way this is really good. Most of the problems in the world are caused by sex, let's face it. If there were no sex there would be no wars, no murders, no anything. No babies either, but hey. No poor little doots born into this miserable world. So it's plus points all round!!!
Now I've a question for you, how much are you into wanking or would you rather have a booty call?
When I was into sex I just did casual sex it was much more fun and I tended to be the one obsessed about rather than doing the obsessling. This meant I got loads of favours a lot of them didn't even want to repay. Male sexuality is weird though. When you HAVE to perform bc your girlf is horny and you're not it can feel like a real imposition. Of course women do the equivalent all the time but men can't lie back and think of England (or Wisconsin)... at least not in the same way. I used to have this fantasy about having a vagina installed in on the back of my lower left leg. You know how much perverts will pay for something unusual. I could stick my leg out as far as possible from the revolting hairy disgusting punter and let them fuck me while I had a nice leaf through Take A Break magazine or whatever. Also this vagine would come in really handy for drug smuggling ha ha har!

Syd whew what?

PussInBoots You know heroin and cigs are VERY similar.

It does annoy me hearing heroin addicts talking about this first time high being the ultimate and their spending years trying to recapture it. UTTER BUMKUM!

When you smoked, were you trying to recapture the feeling of that very first cigarette?

Just as with ciggies, heroin makes you nauseated and sick first time you use. You use heroin like you eat food. It makes you feel better. Simple as!

Furtheron I think I might well try some meetings. I got a bit averse as some of the members get a bit OTT (I'm talking more NA than AA...)

Over the years I've been to loads. It's definitely something I ought to do again, thanks for the idea. You know me I keep forgetting what I'm supposed to be doing so maybe I should try AA. I've only ever been to 2 AA meetings in the same place so I don't really have a good model of what really goes on there. It seemed to work for you. If it's anything like NA it'll work for the WORST cases BEST. So it should work really well for me :-)

lizzydripping said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pg3JZJk291I

right bacK atcha !
great tune
big love :)

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood