Gledwood Vol 2 (Main blog): DIddy di di di knee busy bee

DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe) mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

DIddy di di di knee busy bee

UUUUUUUUUUUU SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT I KEEP REALIZING THINGS REALIZING THINGS THAT ARE THE SAME THINGS AS NOW FROM BEFORE WHEN I DIDN'T THINK I HAD ANYTHING WRONG WIHT ME DINT THINK IT REALY THINK IT PSYCHOTIC DEPRESSION SUICDIE TRAIN NOT DIE STAY ALIVE DEAD BY THE TRACK WITH IT RAINING ON ME I AM INVINCIBLE I WILL NEVER DIE NEV ER DIE EVEN DEPRESED NOT DEAD ALIVE ALIVE ALIVE ALIVE NOT DEAD ALIVE ALIVE WHY WHY WHY GOA GO TO GOA GO GOA GOA GO GO KNOW WHAT I MEAN ARRRY
KNOW WHAT WHERE TO GO CANNOT
FOCUS
IN
FULL
BITS
PIECES
THIS THAT WHAT THE OTHER THING FULL EMPTY HOW MUCH HERE NOW THERE THEN EVERYWEHRE SHOWER
GO IN THE SHOWER
TAKE OFF CLOTEHS
DO NOT SHOWER WITH CLOTES ON I CANNOT SHOWER HOUR FOR HOUR HOUR HOUR HOURS IN SHOWERS CLOTHES IN SHOWERS WHICH ONES WHICH WHICH PITCH ME WHICH ONES FOR HOURS AN DHOURS IN SHOWERS CLOTHES UP MY NOSE NO COCAINE HAS GONE UP MY NOSE
HI HI HI HI HI HI HI EVERYONE HI

CANNOT MODERATE COMMENTS CANNOT READ COMMENTS APRECIATE COMMENTS CANNOG FOCUS LOCUS LOCUST HOCUS POCUS FRACTURE IMPACTURE FRACTURE CLINIC INNIT
SORRY

SORRY CAN'T GOTTA GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GOING ANYWHAY UP UP UP ROUND WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
!!!!!

GOTTA GO AND DO WHAT EVER IT IS SOMETHING THINGS LOTS OF THINGS IN RINGS AND RINGS AND ROUND AND ROUND IN THE SAME BITS OF SOUND AK AKI AKA AK AKAKAKAKAKAKKAK

HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1D

1149 please nobody tell me to go to na annot cannot am not frac not cant not appropriate
it is not approparate
its not the right thig for now
smbody just foned me i cannot speak
except like this is is is is is okokk K K KKKK
cannot focus
cann am up up not bad good good good its v good it's good
i'm up it's all ok
make the stress go away
lots of shit is in the way
today
so i am going to play

NOT THINKING ABOUT HEROIN CRACK ANY DRUGS NOT OBSESSED DONT CARE SO FUCKING LIGHT YEARS PAST ANY OF THAT ITS NOT ME ME ME OUT OF TREE EE E E E EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
NOT
YES UP NO DRUGS
FUCKED UP YES FUCKED DOWN DON'T GO DOWN
THE HEROIN BLOCKED THE UPS AND DOWNS IT WAS MY MEDICATION
OH WOW WOW I CAN FOCUS A BIT I CAN KEEP NOT SLEEP IT ALL IN A LINE
WOW CALM CALM CALM DOWN I NEED TO CALM DOWN AM TRYING
I AM TRYING
I TRY

1227 SHIT A person a friend foned me i couldnt talk to them i was oinoinonioinoinoinoinoinoingingingingin
down the phone
they said
we
are
coming
round
to
look
after
you
i
don't
want
a
dcotor
i
want
a
cigarette
sorryi cannot concentrate i'm trying to calm down
bc if i don't
they'll set me off really bad
and i won't be able to sepeak proper anymore

and that's it so far
i have to write it down
while i happens
ori;lllforgetnotyetetetetetetetetetetetete

they are coming round
i will be nice
and yet get rid

fuck what are they going to do i cannot worry about anything i will not i refuse to engage to worry to stressessess stress i will not do do do it
i won't
i dont have to stress

i need to calm down
need to go chemist
no sleepers no methadone just bits of apaper prescription sleeping pills senior psych next week i can just about cope at home alone no stress i can barely do anything
i can barely go out
i do it
i washed i just washed a tenth of me
everything is very complicated
that is
that
ha ha
i gotta go now

4 comments:

Gledwood said...: HI HI HI HI HI

HI WOW THERE IS A CALM BLANK IN THIS ZONE

NOT LOTS OF THINGS

NOT

WOW

SORRY

I'M

ONLY JUST TALKING TO MYSELF

HOW ARE Y'ALL HOW ARE YOU TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU TELL ME HOW YOU ARE ARE ARE TELL ME HOW YOU ARE HELLO Y'ALL

KEEP IT SIMPLE AND SWEET LIKE CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE IS NICE BUT HAS UPPERS IN IT DID YOU KNOW THAT I HAD A COFFEE I CANNOT DRINK ANYTHING NO ALCOHOL ACCFEINE CARFF CAFF FEIND
I'M NOT A CAFF FEIND

O MAN

I'VE GOT TO GO GO GO HELLO!!!!!!!11; 20 January 2011 at 12:09
Akelamalu said...: I'm really worried about you Gleds, what have you been taking?:0; 20 January 2011 at 13:11
Anonymous said...: this doesn't last long.

a few days.

get some rest.; 20 January 2011 at 17:08
Gledwood said...: akelamalu: black coffee, cigarettes and not enough drink probably

i had none yesterday. sorry 1

2 today

it makes me FAR CALMER

but is not the root of the issue

because it doesn't start/stop doesn't even always dampen down

sometimes

seems to help so i still drink

on a declining basis

as i said i wouldn't do it

anon: thanks i have a horrible feeling this has been going on 20 years non stop basically

the way the guy was questioning me yesterday i realized there has really been either a considerable down or an up hardly any true normality for more than a single month in all that time

which is pretty depressing as if this is fucking manic depression it means it's
means its all the fucking time which is the worst type i feel really pissed off just thinking about that i am hacked off and tired and not into indulging negative thought then when i try not to especially not be anxiour i go far too fast i truly did someone's head in this morning as they phoned right in the middle of a bingbongtingtong session with a psychedelic church window in the middle i flashed right into the centre of concentric lines in my mind i was pretty UP UP UP UPUP ha ha!

laughing in ... rather trying not to laugh inappropriately. i'm not managing that one ha ha; 20 January 2011 at 17:13

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Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!