HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, January 17, 2011

NA Meeting

I WENT! I'M GOING TOMORROW. Apparently a lot of people got sick and tired during the drought I'm not the only one. I'm not interested in rubbishy gear or good gear. No gear was ever good enough for me. Even when unusually strong I got used to it disturbingly quickly then couldn't feel anything else. That's the main reason I drink, I needed something else to intensify the effect of heroin.

I had some difficulty keeping still and not fidgetting and keeping quiet. Walking hypes me up when I'm feeling a bit hyper. So walking there gave me a nice euphoria. At one point I just had to go and walk around a few local car parks, ones with nice lights and shiny windows (I get a great buzz off lights). I think I'm getting a lift to another meeting tomrorrow. A lift is a ride: do you say a lift on foreign shores? I've no idea.

I found American online meetings. The UK meetings are given in the post below.

These take place at 10pm Eastern time which is 3am UK time and there are no physical meetings to attend at this time although in London there are some around 6 or 7am.
3am uk is 4am Central Europe and 2pm Australia (the next day). The link is here.

I'm really hungry, my body is hungry, food is there. Little appetite. Have to try.

The abstract bassy dmm dmm dmm dmmm dmmm is what I particularly liked about the music of this time. Thanks Lizzie
BTW if anyone is thinking this makes me want to use just because I talk about drugs I gave up more than a decade ago and haven't used at all for a good 8 years you really are barking up the wrong tree. Not interested!




01:14 Hey I just googled Domes and Snowballs which were the same thing, really strong trippy E and absolutely lovely and the link came back saying exactly what we were told "half at a time, lads" I did as told, reluctantly and was Eeeeeing and tripping strongly, cabbaged on the floor of the rave seeing acid smileys jumping out of people's dancing knees. I fell in love with a girl called Abbey from Gt Yarmouth. The pill was so strong I saved the 2nd half for later and scored speed instead and did the rest of the night on that, still tripping, tripping for 24 hours. And it didn't feel like MDA which I tried. It felt like MDMA+something like DOM it was intensely trippy, trippier than the MDA caps I got. Unless the MDA was something else, maybe 2ct7 and the domes actually were MDA. I do remember the girl saying "they're MDA domes" and we both thought "she's left an M out" (ecstasy is MDMA). Beautiful beautiful beautiful I adored it like nothing else.

05:55 THIS is why I love ITV Nightscreen: trancy supermarket music. Am I getting really old or is the first track especially really cool? This is a mockup but it's just the sort of stuff they play and highly addictive once you get used to leaving the telly on and sleeping with it in the background

10 comments:

beatifnik said...

Well done, Gleds! Keep on keeping on.

Gledwood said...

well i'm going tomorrow, getting a lift, at least getting a phone call

Dad and Mom said...

Gledwood,

This is honestly the best thing I have heard today!!! So glad you are doing this for yourself.

Gledwood said...

Thanks. Strange that you should come to a post that started with NA and degeneraged into me banging on about ecstasy. Fair enough I did used to love it. The bit I'm not mentioning here is crying in bed for days after, feeling lied to. That was the ultimate effect of that drug. It felt like a lie. A nasty chemical lie. Like all drugs.

Syd said...

I am glad that you are going. Good for you!

Gledwood said...

Yeah it's the only place I can go except AA and the Dual Diagnosis Club, from now on

BMelonsLemonade said...

I am glad you liked it. And I am glad you are going again. Good for you, Gleds.

Gledwood said...

It's the dual one I like the most but NA was OK. I did keep my trap shut re mental health and tried not to get irritated when one talked about mental illness in a semi-symbolic way and another talked about being "manic". NA call using "insanity" ~ to me "insanity" has a different meaning and it may or may not be brought on by using. More crystal meth or crack than heroin and you know exactly the type of stuff I mean

but as they say you have to take life on life's terms and accept NA on NA's terms. And that means hearing terminology I use to mean a severe and disabling condition to describe something a little less severe and disabling, but in a different way... And you should never ever judge another person's reality, esp one you don't know. Suffering is relative, which is why I have been very careful not to give the impression that I think my own experience means I have suffered any more than anyone else because that is not necessarily so. The Big One in December was horrible but fairly brief. Some of these people have had very upsetting situations lasting years that may have been caused by another person they couldn't get away from (for example)... something that's actually more difficult to treat than anything I've gone through. Which is why as I say I try and remain open-minded in my views about most things.

I think NA really does work for those who work it but it really is not for everyone. I've seen it work on others. I've been enough times over the entire length of my addiction. I wasn't even addicted to heroin the first time I went, I was using crack and even then realized it was a problem. I don't feel that I wasted mine or anybody else's time, I was glad to know of a place I could go any day ~ and it really is 7 days a week, 3 times a day if you want it here. Very glad indeed to know it's there. And quite possibily, for me, a far better option than rehab.

jams o donnell said...

This is god news, I really hope that it helps you

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

That's great!
Seems like the sensible thing to do:)
I'll keep u in my thoughts,
j.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood