HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Midnight Music

02:58 I've been up since just after 1am, meaning not much more than an hour or so's sleep. I need sleep (far as I understand it) not to set myself off more. Here are some lovely garage links for those into parking cars... the music [of today] is more reminiscent of the rave music of my youth, with a funkier beat on top. Quite good really. I prefer a lot of the newer stuff to the classic garage I've been posting up. If I can find a good tune or two I'll post it up.

GARAGE: this is the station I'm listening. With these things it's usually the later the better. When I woke up at midnight it was pssssht-ta-clonking pleasantly ~ Love FM Live

Melody here's that other garage track I was telling you about. I prefer the no-video version .... this classic track from the mid 90s doesn't have that rave-sound I'm talking about that's new; this is old


this is a funkier pirate radio edit, note the lovely authentic needle jump at the beginning!

bizarre track, excellent video "be careful if photosensitive epileptic!"
i love this

Old techno from the hardcore rave era. I used to love this: the quotes are from Shakespeare's King Lear


Gledwood said...

hello good morning y'all it's 4am whacha doing you lazy lot!!

comen on north america is 5-8 hours behind is giving NO EXCUSE for no slew of comments about these obscure british tunes!

hey i feel all normal ~ faintly boring ~ today. ukkkk!!!

how terrible can it be getting WELL!

(getting depressed more like, let's be frank)


Gattina said...

When I cannot sleep I read and wait until a fall asleep. If I don't then I continue to read until I want to get up. You get only upset if you try to sleep and it doesn't work.

Syd said...

I have been doing Scrabble, as you know. Maybe start playing a public game or two. Reading is good too when I can't sleep. Do they have 24 hr. NA meetings there? I am up and about. But it is a luxury to not have to be up at 0530.

Anonymous said...

good luck with the shrink today.btw why shrink? sorry dont mean why you seeing one just wondered why idiots like me use the word shrink for a head doctor?shall i attempt to spell pyschiatrist.well that actually looks right!anyway gotta go get kids from school.bye,lynn.

Gledwood said...

Gattina: that's why I'm up like a lark at 2am, not trying to sleep for anyone. I can only read what I already know, or something short. So I've been reading the NA Basic text 6th ed. The stories are different from the 5th ed. Full of Eskimos and Saudi Arabians and English people whereas the 5th ed was just 1960s Americans! I read their Big Book for the stories, love 'em.

Syd: they have meetings around 7am and ones in the late evening. How typically backward and British NOT to have 24 hour ones. I'd go. I'd like to go to one online but this computer thinks I'm under 18 so it won't let me!

Lynn: why go to a psychiatrist? I hope I spelled that properly? I went to see my worker last week and was off my nut. I just thought I was slightly hyper. I was very hyper and ended up down a mental hospital getting assessed (nothing to do with being let in, it was so they had actually seen me in that state). Usually I get depressed. I remember blogging other stuff to do with my "mental health" that wasn't just plain depression but unless those professionals see it you won't get the right treatment. I can't take antidepressants, they make me speed off my head, which is not what they're meant to do and last time I crashed horribly while still on them. Whatever the hell this is it needs fixing.

lizzydripping said...

did you see the doc today-any good?
loving the garage i'd forgotten about 'it's a london thing'
love it :)

Anonymous said...

how did it go with the doc?it was today you had an appointment or have i got that wrong.anyway hope your ok .?lynn

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Hi Gled,
I like your music!
Hope all is well.

bugerlugs63 said...

HI. hope all ok.
just passing by with 1000 things 2 do.

logged in 2 c how u got on.

hoping no news is good news
(as they say)

but my natural pessimism
(& cynicism towards drs etc)
keeps suggesting otherwise.

will look in again soon when got cubs and pup fed and sorted.


Gledwood said...

The dr is today Thursday. I did have an appointment yesterday but everything got confused, so it's today.

I keep wondering what the hell I'm meant to say. I won't indulge that as it's a waste of energy. So I'm pouring energy into cooking. Cleaning.

As well as blogging.

And going to endless appointments and meetings.

Gledwood said...

If I've missed any major point here I will come back to it. I'm going to read through my comments carefully later on and answer any Missed Things

now I have to rush! As in running

done enough Mental Rushing for... quite a while

though it was v nice

and FAR better than being depressed




Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood