gently settling down. Although I didn't sleep last night, except 1:30am till 3am. 90 mins. I don't mind not sleeping. 1 sleep is a waste of time anyhow and 2 lack of sleep makes me feel happy. I went out and bought a DVD player today. Argos's cheapest at £19.99 + £2.49 for SCART lead. It works. I got it to play Mandarin Chinese at me, so I remember me tones now.Then I did my own amateur cooking (haddock parsley sauce on broccoli florets on stuffed mushroom tortelloni). The food was yummy. That's another thing: will I have to inflict Iron Will on self to counteract antipsycho weight gain? Eating is just another addiction. Chained to the body, to the ground. I like feeling like energy, up in the sky. At my highest point I felt like I was flying in outer space looking back down at the tiny earth behind me.
This is the problem I have with NA: my mood. I'm so vehement my talk goes through the room like an electric jolt. Or I cannot focus at all and only catch the chair (the speech at the beginning: somebody's life story). Or a couples of shares (people's reaction to a life story I haven't heard or just their account of their day (which I prefer); if there is a silence then I speak. I'm not shy about sharing, but it annoys me having to edit out what's actually going on (my lovely potty mental condition) and talk about what isn't at all relevant because it barely crosses my head (my drug habit). I only talk in terms of drugs as they are terms of reference I think of in terms of energy, mood and feeling good. I have never felt good not on drugs, bar a very few occasions. Not in my adult life, where I was depressed or ill a lot of the time, or in low-grade depression for more.
Talking about personality I hated the mousy person I was and would gladly have watched him be smacked by an express train over and over again. Loathing. Not even self loathing: that person is someone else. I will kill him. He can die. He is not me. That's how I feel about that one. I hate that person, which is why I decided if I got bipolar disorder I'm doing myself in, there is no point living like that. No point living like me. That's my view, not my mood, not a swaying whim.
Then on the other hand I have More Iron Will and think: if you don't like who you are CHANGE IT. If you don't like your life CHANGE IT. If you don't like drugs DON'T DO THEM. If you want to be OK ~ DO RECOVERY. See I have two opposing characters fighting constantly. The stronger one is so far winning but I hate the weak one with a passion and still want it dead. Yeah I will get rid the nice way by "changing". I'm still mighty pissed off with that person.
I know this is going to look all messed up in the head but I'm posting anyhow. I'm not unhappy today I'm just angry with this person who has messed my life up by being sappy, feeble and pathetic. Forget drug addiction. That's for NA to obsess about. I'm talking my entire life. You wonder why yesterday I said I "had nothing to go back to" ~ well I didn't want to go back to that life-destroyer. A slow destroyer. I don't even want to talk about that person so I'm going now.
Don't worry about me I'm OK I'm not depressed at all, I'm just ANGRY at myself. I have to BE myself but I don't want to be who I was I want to be who I am now and a better version at that!
This is my life goal.
*the crap in question is the mental health thing I'm getting antipsychotics for, not a drug state!
PS re NA it's paranoia that makes it so difficult, people looking at me, sitting right next to me, hemming me in... all that stuff. I know my attention span is lousy. I wouldn't be able to post if I couldn't touch type. At least with posting I have the luxury of stopping and smoking cigarettes. The time of the post is nearly always the time posted, not begun. OK I'm off, take care and don't let me get to you. I don't want to get to anyone, I'm just letting off steam, I'm fed up with myself.
5 comments:
It's about time that you are angry with yourself you should even be furious ! You let yourself go the last weeks that's a real pity !
The expression "take care of yourself" is not that bad !
I thought you seemed better but you're ranting again m'dear. :(
Gattina: you make a v good point. I'd be crazy to be happy with myself wouldn't I!
Akelamalu: I suppose I said in a nutshell the confusion of a self-inflicted condition like addiction where you are 2 people, one using, the other being used... it is confusing and it destroys self-confidence, so that's what you read. An addict's rantings!
I am glad that you are sharing at the meetings. Have you thought about getting a sponsor yet? Working the steps, really working them, is an awesome thing. It could make a lot of difference for you Gleds.
Far as I know you're not allowed to on methadone. Which makes giving up drink seem a waste of time. I'm not lying to anyone, I don't care. I'm supposed to be doing it for me, not them.
I wanted to get 2 sponsors, a woman I know who is a crackhead, and a male heroin addict who I haven't picked yet.
Your sponsor is supposed to be the same sex as you and (I imagine) have a similar history, esp. in the beginning. I was going to ask her to be my stand-in sponsor and thereafter #2 sponsor.
I know most people don't have 2 sponsors but why the hell should I copy anyone else. Least I won't be lost for sponsors, will I!??!
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