HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, January 17, 2011

Sunday night


17:12 I FEEL really really upset. Somewhere sometime I have done totally the wrong thing and now I'm paying for it. I don't know what to do except a whole load of nots. Not drinking being a big one.

The rest of it is stuff that I don't want to face. I don't want to do anything at all. I'm totally sick and tired and I have had enough.

22:03 I went abysmally low this evening I really felt bad. i went out to get money from someone who owed me £20. my old best dealer had just come back on. my first reaction after being told at the end of my road was to ring straight away. then i thought hang on a sec you don't need that.

even if the gear had been ok which i doubt it would only have set me back and i'd have to go through all the same stuff. i was lucky enough to be crazed through the first 14 days which is supposed to be the worst even if it is just methadone switchover.

Still, I went out and got a £20 I was owed, the person wanted to pay in 3 days time but I said no I need it now. So I had the option to use and declined the option.

A pervert tried to pick me up on the way home. This did nothing to help my frame of mind.

The gist of what went through my head was repeated aloud a couple of minutes later. I was hearing myself, someone was repeating me, whatever I wasn't really listening. I went home and stood outside my house but didn't want to go in. So I walked round and round the block, not wanting to be anywhere. It started to rain, I didn't want to go inside.

I went to the Mongolian Chinese takeaway, finally it was open. Somebody else was standing there I couldn't face another person so I handed over my cash and went outside in the rain on the pretence of smoking. Rather get wet than be near another person. Sorry: simple truth.

I still can't eat because I feel sick. Chicken curry mix vegetable fried rice is my favourite meal it's half left at ten to midnight I can't handle it.

I had 3 drinks. Drink number 3 made me feel a bit better. I got another just now it's going in the fridge.

How I'm going to give up the only crutch I have left I cannot envisage. No I don't feel powerless over drink. What I see is a future where the one thing that holds me together goes and I fracture up. Imagine you took a chisel to your own reflection and smashed the mirror so none of you connected any more? That's how I feel when I crack up. I feel ill now. Better than before; still ill. I'm going to bed I've had it with today.

3:30am still awake. It occurred to me a couple of hours ago that come 4am I'll have been awake 24 hours, that this isn't normal. I tried to sleep. Not in mood for it. Appetite terrible, did force entire Chinese takeaway down throat over course of 5 hours. Usually I'd eat half, then eat the other half a couple of hours later.

I'm back on the black coffee.

Yeah earlier on I went into real depression only for a few hours, I don't really feel too "well" now. Yeah it could have been a bad mood. A bad mood where you hear echo-thoughts, are too low to go in your own house and would rather walk aimlessly in the rain than be inside even though you've fallen out with nobody, are avoiding nobody who's there. The reason I wasn't at home was that I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to be anywhere so I walked on and on and round and round and up and down the road. I could not engage with myself with anyone else with food with sleep. I am engaging with ITV Nightscreen purely for the music. And coffee and cigarettes. And that's it.

I'm going as long as possible on no sleep at all. See if I can break my 4-day zero hours record.

So there's self indulgent post number infinity+1.

Did anybody out there know Trisch Li personally? Trisch Li as featured in "phone calls to Jen" videos posted over last few days....? Please get in touch.

I'm posting this without reading back, not in mood.

Here's how you do a chart that shows how you feel. Mine was too simple. Dur.

06:30 Uuuuuuuuh. I don't really wanna go more than 4 days without sleep, but what do you do when you can't? I'm gonna bed now. At last. Ignore the rave videos unless euphoric recall is appropriate (got that expression from NA, doncha love it?!)

I don't know if the vid looks as terrible on yours as on mine. Like heavy psychedelic without ya contact lenses in:~

I remember this being played at 6am on white label in a barn in Thetford forest, Norfolk, tripping on Domes/snowball Es.... wooo


Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ I am so sorry you are still having so many ups and down in your life and hope you can cope with it all,until you feel better.
Thanks for your comments about the floods in Queensland - they have been horrendous and are still in a hell of a mess. The waters have flowed south to New South Wales and Victoria but not as bad. I had heard about the awful floods in Brazil that killed more than 500 people. How bad is that and so many loved ones lost. Also in Sri
Lanka. The world's weather is just
diabolical at present.
Take care my friend,Regards, Merle

Gledwood said...

I don't know if you know Gattina, but she's not religious and she said her friend who's also not religious says it's the end of the world, which is weird, someone I know, who's also not religious said exactly the same thing...

Gattina said...

As long as you are still able to write there is hope !!
When I was depressed I wasn't able to do ANYTHING, but laying in my bed like a vegetable only vegetables are not laying in beds.

Gattina said...

BTW I know Merle !

Baino said...

Oh you're such a bollixy boy. I thought you were winding up the blog. Coffee before sleep NO. Small amounts of alcohol ok put ice in to dilulte. Makes you feel like you're having a whopper but not really.
Oh hits? Yeh I get a bout an 80% bounce rate but i don't care about hits. Just those who comment. Have a hot shower and a nice cup of chamomile tea before bed. Guaraneed ZZZZZ. Go to bed you smackhead.

Whitenoise said...

Hey Gled, hope you're feeling better. There's a life without drugs- a good life. You can find amazing beauty in the world without chemicals...

Anyway... will be back on overseas in about 2 years- hope you're still here so that I can meet you then and buy you a meal.

cheers buddy.

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

How was that meeting you were going to, you remember NA? The meeting? The thing you could do instead of all the other can'ts, won'ts and shoulda's in your head. You aren't able to stick to a simple decision by yourself anyway, so what have you to lose?

“All The Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas
Layin' In The Sun,
Talkin' 'Bout The Things
They Woulda-Coulda-Shoulda Done...
But All Those Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas
All Ran Away And Hid
From One Little Did.”
~Shel Silverstein~

The one who did, went to NA and said yes to what they were doing instead of sitting doing nothing or the same ole' things. Which was a load of crap really, since they couldn't keep themselves to a single decision or get any peace without the help of a much greater community. Even the druggies need the community of drug dealers and druggies to stay alive in the power of the drug.

Nothing happens in a vacuum, so instead of depending on the community that's killing you and really couldn't give a shit if you don't have something to pay or give them try to depend on one that will save your life and help everything you've gone through and every shit experience you've had to become useful, all of it crap can turn to gold if.... if...

you become the one who DID walk to the NA meeting and say, Ok, what do you need me to do next?

Gledwood said...

Gattina: yes that is very true. i don't do lying in bed i do staring into space/the tv in an armchair for a while the tv wasn't even tuned in but i barely noticed (erm....) no i feel like KICKING THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF SOMEONE I AM SO ANGRY if i let myself be but i'm not violent. so i won't. i will have a creme puff and smoke a silk cut even though i only smoke high nicotine fags

Baino: hi you black eye old wino how are you!!
no i never for one second was going offline i apologize i was hacked off feeling very exposed and shitty and fed up for being judged for it by some people who really do not know. bear in mind i'm NOT ON DRUGS and ALL THAT FUCKING SHIT ABOUT METHADONE STABILIZING PEOPLE ALL IT HAS DONE IS DESTABILIZE ME really obviously everybody sees it it's fucking ridiculous they deserve a smack in the face, not to mention some real smack so they ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT i mean what kind of freak would ever choose to work in a heroin clinic correction a heroin clinic GIVES HEROIN this is a bullshit blinkered no-option but methadone shit clinic with a few very cool people who work there but the overall philosophy stinks worse than ive ever done despite hydrophobia

Whitenoise: buy me a bottle of single malt please. or margaritas you're canadian, canada is next door to america. men and women are human. women drink margaritas when they go out. i've never tried one

so what are you doing where and when are you still flying aeroplanes..??

Gledwood said...

Jess: sorry your comment didn't load until the screen was already up so i missed you... na is tonight i know one i can get to in 20 mins tops at 7pm

yeah a few things i've heard at na re junkies just do not register with my way of thining one was "the myth of self-reliance/independence" or some such bullshit language as if by being an addict you're somehow NOT totally dependent on your dealer and that chain from whatever source country to you, that if you're committing crime you don't utterly rely on most people being honest or crime just would not pay, not even shoplifting. nearly all forms of money making used by addicts rely on normal people with jobs to give money or pay for something knocked off or pay for sex youre utterly dependent on all this, you depend on the govt state benefits, you depend on a trust fund and/or your family or an allowance from rich parents you have to arselick (not my situation but knew people from uni in this boat) you know all that not to mention relying on chemicals for your basic wellbeing are the very opposite of INdependence they are DEPENDENCY fucking hell how can anybody not get that one???!!!

the v best meeting is a nuttery club i go to once a week when xmas isn't in the way it's way better than any aa or na for one thing people actually understand what you meant if you only could say how you actually are which you can't at na because to them "insanity" means living a totally disorganized fucked up life to me it means being in total pieces that tallk but not to each other and whoever talks in my head isn't me any more

yeah you hear about crack breakdowns but that is paranoia more than anything else paranoia is just the start of madness

i'm still going but i do feel that i'm putting myself in a box too small at na and that aa is even smaller as the drinking i've done is in no way as bad as the worst there, they all pissed and shat their beds every single one at one meeting with 6 or 7 people i've never pissed myself even let alone shat myself. i've pissed down my clothes so i had to use the loo like a girl every time for years i gave up peeing standing up it was too much hassle trying not to piss all over myself so yeah i know i belong there i don't see it as a complete therapy, no single place will be of course it won't i need to find as many as possible

there's a cocaine anonymous id like to go to just to hear people doing coke how i never did it

i wish there was heroin anonymous but that's what narcotics means it means opiates despite american erroneous nomenclature labelling cocaine narcotic it's NOT

so i'm off i'd really like just for one fucking time one other person to want to come with me. i only got that one to happen once but the best thing at na is i meet people i even shared houses with people i knew from outside... that NEVER hapened for more than 8 years. na and the rest of my drug life were in 2 separate bubbles, now at least they intermingle which is good i'd rather be at na than a street corner waiting on some cunt who will spend my money on his grasping whore you know

Gledwood said...

the nutter club is called dual diagnosis for drinkers and druggies who are also nutter not just nutters that would be just a waste of time

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

I like the book you can get (here) at AA.
One young lady I met at AA was only coming to meet guys and then she'd see you on the street and holler "Will you be at tonight's AA meeting?"
She was thrown out because she always forgot to respect the privacy of it. After she was expelled, there wasn't much fun there.
I know the purpose of going isn't for entertainment, but she added something to it.
Plus she never drank a drop and so her answers were funny, cause she made them all up.
Rambling again, gotta go....

Gledwood said...

Oh for crying out loud that's ridiculous. Who did that offend? The person shouted at? That's one thing. Somebody else? Not their issue

Syd said...

I am hoping that my comments are not inflammatory or nagging on about your welfare. But I still hope that things will turn around for you.

Gledwood said...

No. You mean the... I mentioned stuff like that twice "timewasters" meant people who were being totally irresponsible. If they said stuff like that to a friend of mine I would hit them, re me I don't care don't care it's gone

no nothing at all to do with you

did i actually use the word nagging? that isn't what i meant

the only 2 things that have bothered me are talk about my mental health by people who cannot know, though they're trying to be reassuring it sometimes feels like being written off yet again when the dr who saw me was visibly shocked, and comments by real idiots, which I haven't had in quite a while and i don't count a certain anonymous i started out arguing with and then ended up conversing with i mean really really stupid people whose stuff couldn't go up it was so offensive

Gledwood said...

oh man this mental health thing has to drop the last thing i want is somebody who tried to reassure me to fuck me off and stop commenting or get all para about what i just said everybody just keep commenting as you do all of you



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood