I HAVE NOT GIVEN UP BLOGGING I AM STILL HERE AND WILL BE UNTIL LIFE OR DEATH PREVENTS ME.
17:12 I FEEL really really upset. Somewhere sometime I have done totally the wrong thing and now I'm paying for it. I don't know what to do except a whole load of nots. Not drinking being a big one.
The rest of it is stuff that I don't want to face. I don't want to do anything at all. I'm totally sick and tired and I have had enough.
22:03 I went abysmally low this evening I really felt bad. i went out to get money from someone who owed me £20. my old best dealer had just come back on. my first reaction after being told at the end of my road was to ring straight away. then i thought hang on a sec you don't need that.
even if the gear had been ok which i doubt it would only have set me back and i'd have to go through all the same stuff. i was lucky enough to be crazed through the first 14 days which is supposed to be the worst even if it is just methadone switchover.
Still, I went out and got a £20 I was owed, the person wanted to pay in 3 days time but I said no I need it now. So I had the option to use and declined the option.
A pervert tried to pick me up on the way home. This did nothing to help my frame of mind.
The gist of what went through my head was repeated aloud a couple of minutes later. I was hearing myself, someone was repeating me, whatever I wasn't really listening. I went home and stood outside my house but didn't want to go in. So I walked round and round the block, not wanting to be anywhere. It started to rain, I didn't want to go inside.
I went to the Mongolian Chinese takeaway, finally it was open. Somebody else was standing there I couldn't face another person so I handed over my cash and went outside in the rain on the pretence of smoking. Rather get wet than be near another person. Sorry: simple truth.
I still can't eat because I feel sick. Chicken curry mix vegetable fried rice is my favourite meal it's half left at ten to midnight I can't handle it.
I had 3 drinks. Drink number 3 made me feel a bit better. I got another just now it's going in the fridge.
How I'm going to give up the only crutch I have left I cannot envisage. No I don't feel powerless over drink. What I see is a future where the one thing that holds me together goes and I fracture up. Imagine you took a chisel to your own reflection and smashed the mirror so none of you connected any more? That's how I feel when I crack up. I feel ill now. Better than before; still ill. I'm going to bed I've had it with today.
3:30am still awake. It occurred to me a couple of hours ago that come 4am I'll have been awake 24 hours, that this isn't normal. I tried to sleep. Not in mood for it. Appetite terrible, did force entire Chinese takeaway down throat over course of 5 hours. Usually I'd eat half, then eat the other half a couple of hours later.
I'm back on the black coffee.
Yeah earlier on I went into real depression only for a few hours, I don't really feel too "well" now. Yeah it could have been a bad mood. A bad mood where you hear echo-thoughts, are too low to go in your own house and would rather walk aimlessly in the rain than be inside even though you've fallen out with nobody, are avoiding nobody who's there. The reason I wasn't at home was that I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to be anywhere so I walked on and on and round and round and up and down the road. I could not engage with myself with anyone else with food with sleep. I am engaging with ITV Nightscreen purely for the music. And coffee and cigarettes. And that's it.
I'm going as long as possible on no sleep at all. See if I can break my 4-day zero hours record.
So there's self indulgent post number infinity+1.
Did anybody out there know Trisch Li personally? Trisch Li as featured in "phone calls to Jen" videos posted over last few days....? Please get in touch.
I'm posting this without reading back, not in mood.
Here's how you do a chart that shows how you feel. Mine was too simple. Dur.
06:30 Uuuuuuuuh. I don't really wanna go more than 4 days without sleep, but what do you do when you can't? I'm gonna bed now. At last. Ignore the rave videos unless euphoric recall is appropriate (got that expression from NA, doncha love it?!)
LIQUID: SWEET HARMONY
I don't know if the vid looks as terrible on yours as on mine. Like heavy psychedelic without ya contact lenses in:~
PRODIGY: EVERYBODY IN THE PLACE
I remember this being played at 6am on white label in a barn in Thetford forest, Norfolk, tripping on Domes/snowball Es.... wooo
The egotism of shyness - A few posts ago I wrote about feeling responsible for killing people. I realised today that I blame myself for many things. Most things. To be honest quite...
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